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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

281 replies

alisunshine29 · 23/02/2013 12:35

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

OP posts:
cory · 24/02/2013 16:13

And more to the point, will you condone it when it is your child? Because I have never come across a man who treated the children of his first relationship shoddily and then did not go on to do the same to children of subsequent relationships.

A good man puts the wellbeing of his children before his own wellbeing. A man who does not is not, by definition, a good man.

marfisa · 24/02/2013 16:15

His kids had no problem with 6 weeks between staying contact when it was happening, it was his ex wanting more regular nights out that caused the alternate weekend demand.

So you think the DC were happy to see their dad once every 6 weeks? That was what he and they wanted, until the ex stepped in with her crazy suggestion of alternate weekends?

I am hiding this thread now because it's making me see red. The two of you clearly deserve each other.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 16:23

I was ill with stress, had panic attacks, while being treated like shit by my ex, but i still managed to deal with him for the sake of my DD, my ex cheated, manipulated, lied, but i still did it.

My Dfriends DB, has had every piece of shit thrown at his face by his ex, she lied, has been an absolute bitch, but he kept on spent money, put himself in debt, because his son means that much to him, nothing will keep him away from his son.

You and your DP, are coming out with crap, being stressed is no excuse, her being a bitch is no excuse, not going to court and get access, your DP quite frankly doesnt give a SHIT!!!

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 16:39

Look if it was up to me, I'd go to court tomorrow and get it sorted but it isn't up to me, it's up to him. So realistically it's pointless you all having a go at me - I agree with you all that he has behaved terribly and those children need a father. But I don't think it's fair to insist he must have contact on the exes terms at the expense of his career. If the children were fine staying for 3/4 weekends in a row every six weeks with midweek contact in the meantime and very generous annual leave to have them in school holidays then the ex should have no problem with it.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 24/02/2013 16:39

Fact is, alternate weekend contact isn't to make it easier and more convenient for the ex, it's to make it easier and more convenient for the kids. How do you know the kids were ok with only seeing their dad once every six weeks? I think you said the kids are now 6 and 4, and that the youngest was 2 when he stopped bothering with them contact stopped, so they were 4 and 2 the last time he saw them. Yes, I'm sure a 2 and a 4 year old clearly and rationally verbalised that they were absolutely fine with contact every six weeks Hmm.

And so what if she wants to go out every other weekend? None of your business what she does when the kids are at their dads which is currently never.

And yet more drip feeding! The new bf being called daddy! The ex wanting to change their names! It's like a fucking soap opera this.

Your DP is a joke. Quite frankly his kids are probably better off without such a pathetic, selfish, flaky loser in their lives.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 16:44

Wasn't drip feeding, the new boyfriend they were calling daddy is no longer around so wasn't sure it was relevant but the fact it coincided with her stopping contact is. Not to mention the fact that she had a child with him also but won't allow contact because of whatever bullshit reasons she's dreamed up that he's terrible to the kids - yet she was fine to leave all three in his care while going for nights out and sleeping around on him too.

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 16:46

How do you know all this stuff about her?

cory · 24/02/2013 16:48

But how can you cope with a man who doesn't even send his children a birthday card in case it doesn't get delivered? How can you have any respect for him?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 24/02/2013 16:52

I'm fed up of this now. You just can't see it, can you? It's all someone else's fault, isn't it? Blah, blah and triple blah. I feel really sorry for those kids. And that includes the one you have together.

dayshiftdoris · 24/02/2013 16:59

Go to court?

And say what exactly?

'Well I want irregular contact when it suits me, not the children and I want my wife to care for them so I can work'

So WHAT that he can do 3-4 weekends on the trot... that's not child centred as then their mum doesn't get to see them and have leisure time for weeks at a stretch.

OP... I suggest you find a Dads board but I warn you - they will say similar stuff as here.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 17:08

Because she used to ring DP to pour her heart out about it, even telling him about having to have extra attention in pregnancy as she had two STDs. Nice lady.his proposal for contact means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/02/2013 17:16

OP As someone whose ExH did take her to court and attempt a 'when I feel like it' court order - trust me, the family courts take a very dim view of this kind of stuff.

At the very least he would need to show evidence from his work stating why he was not entitled to flexible family working to see his chidren every other weekend.

If he just stands there and slags off his EX, without any firm proposals for regular contact ... what a waste of time, energy and money that could be getting spent on the DCs.

CheerfulYank · 24/02/2013 17:18

But if all you're saying is true and the ex is a nasty manipulative piece of work, doesn't it make even more sense that he should have contact?

If, God forbid, my children were in the care of someone I felt was not always a good parent and didn't always have their best interests at heart, I would fight like hell to stay around them so I could make sure they were okay.

Actually, I may have dragged him to the pool by his ear...

He is massively delusional if he thinks someone who hasn't seen him since he/she was a two year old would all of a sudden decide to live with him after absolutely no effort on his part. I am an extremely forgiving person, but I'd never want to see him again.

He needs to talk to work (has he ever tried) and then go to court. The judge will sort it out. There is no excuse for not trying.

Honestly, I'd leave him if he didn't. I couldn't be with someone so spineless and cruel.

HopingItllBeOK · 24/02/2013 17:19

I haven't had a night out in years because I can't find a sitter able to cope with my 3DC and their issues.

Can I get my martyr award now please?

Bobyan · 24/02/2013 17:20

his proposal for contact means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

Except for the fact that he's never formally bothered to try to get this set by the court, so the stuff above isn't actually true is it? Anyway lots of people don't have weekends to themselves or nights out. IT'S CALLED BEING A PARENT.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/02/2013 17:23

Call a family law solicitor first thing tomorrow. Make an appointment and tell your DP you expect him to come with you. It may be he's afraid to take the first step so I think you should support him by helping him to organise it. Once the solicitor is involved it shouldn't take too long for contact to be re-established. If your DP is decent he will be grateful to you for getting the ball rolling when he is afraid to.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 24/02/2013 17:28

Oh, funny how you have a go at his ex for wanting/having nights out but when it's your DP that doesn't want to give up his nights out or weekends to himself, it's a different matter. Double standards much? Sorry but that is selfish. And surely he doesn't have weekends 'to himself' anyway, what with having a DD and DSD living with him?

I'm a single parent and can count my nights out since DS was born nearly 7 years ago on both hands. Probably on one hand. My DS's dad doesn't give a shit about him (similar to your DP with his kids) so I have had him every weekend since he was born. Every single weekend. You know why? Because that's what decent parents do. I work too, and yes, my career has taken a back seat because my role as a parent has to come first. Clearly your DP doesn't understand that concept because everything on this thread has been about how this affects him, what he wants, how stressed he is. Pitiful.

LineRunner · 24/02/2013 17:29

There are sadly some men who bang on about what they would like in terms of contact, what they would do in court, blah blah blah, but who never deliver on this. The 'blah' is to try to impress people, to try to make out that they are not useless wankers.

Either they never actually bother with court; or they do and make twats of themselves; or they get orders which they then break within a month.

That is incredibly insulting to all the women and men who do care for, and about, their DCs, and who make make huge efforts and sacrifices to be with them through thick and thin.

BratinghamPalace · 24/02/2013 17:33

This is NOT the ops fault. He is the father and must take responsibility
For himself. Ironically his rensponsibility for his children is being passed onto TWO women, ex wife and current wife.
OP no matter What the mother is he is the father. Simple as that. for you now OP, I feel really bad. Because you have to live with thiS man kowing he turned away from the most venerable people on the planet, a two and
4 year old.

BratinghamPalace · 24/02/2013 17:34

On iPhone without glasses. Excuse all mistakes!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 24/02/2013 17:38

It's not the OP's fault but she enables him to continue this way (including hiding from his own children, ffs) and just comes out with excuse after excuse as to why he won't/can't pursue contact and bitches about her DP's ex.

I asked way back what the OP's DP had said when she told him hiding at the pool was an awful way to behave. She hasn't answered. I think this subject is brushed under the carpet at their house which in my mind is unacceptable. It clearly needs dealing with. But the excuses keep getting in the way.

mynewpassion · 24/02/2013 17:41

so he is not playing happy families with you and your DDs on the weekends he isn't working but going out instead? Children and families seem hard work for him.

You really picked a treasure, didn't you.

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 17:42

god forbid a woman should want the father of her children to take some of the strain of parenting on a regular basis and to have some regular time off herself. how very dare she? Hmm

i'm afraid it is beginning to sound like you deserve him. and like yet another case of the ex is such a bitch/slag/selfish/lazy/spends all her maintenance on booze and rizlas blah blah blah but my nigel is a saint story.

you do get that those kids need parenting and caring for every single day of their lives right? and that your partner made those children with her and took on that commitment? or is parenting your children optional and only to be done if it fits in with your lifestyle?

he hasn't even sent a card for 16 months. he hasn't driven up and sneaked a peek of them coming out of school/nursery? he hasn't called her and tried to talk? he hasn't even talked to a solicitor or asked work for a change of work pattern.

but it's all her fault because she's a bitch?

ffs.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 17:46

My BIL or sister dont have many nights out, since they have 4 children between them, i havent had a night out in months, wheres my martyr award.

Spero · 24/02/2013 18:24

I would talk about a woman who behaved in this way with exactly the same amount of scorn and contempt. How exactly can he be so 'stressed' when he has done fuck all for nearly two years?

And as for the 'nights out'... words fail me. I am eagerly looking forward to the delivery of my medal, celebrating how many nights out I have missed due to being a single parent.

What this collossal idiot clearly doesn't understand or care about is that they are NOT CHILDREN FOR EVER. he doesn't have to curtail his mad socialising for ever, just for next five years or so, while they are little, while they desparately need him, while he can build up a good solid relationship with them, until contact can be more on their terms as they are older, able to travel etc.

he is throwing away this opportunity to be a father for crap reasons. So he works, boo hoo. So do I. so he is stressed. Boo hoo. I bet they were a lot more stressed when he vanished without explanation or warning.