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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

281 replies

alisunshine29 · 23/02/2013 12:35

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 24/02/2013 00:22

What is this fantastic career? I guess it employs no parents at all what with the fact that nobody who chooses to work in it is also able to actually parent even of the only have to do so 2 weekends a month.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/02/2013 00:23

If they not of the

WilsonFrickett · 24/02/2013 00:30

Yy my dad had an A.Maz.Ing career. And now he has a sad, lonely old age.

::must leave this thread::

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/02/2013 00:31

Well I better sack everybody with kids and then quit myself, obviously having a career is incompatible with being a parent

KatieMiddleton · 24/02/2013 00:34

poor kids :(

dayshiftdoris · 24/02/2013 00:37

She offered him alternate weekends and when he couldnt do it she told him to take her to court...

I don't blame her... she offered him a level of contact most men in your DH's position would chew their right arm off for but it didn't suit him so he turned it down.

She was probably stick of having to be his parent too.

I can't even begin to tell you how frustratingly nauseating this thread is... my ex's new wife could write this... poor DH, so stressed so hard done by...
Reality is that he has disappeared off the face of the earth to those children BY CHOICE because he would not commit to contact with them for their benefit, would not inconvenience himself to maintain his relationship with his children or acknowledge that he had a responsibility to do so... He would rather blame his ex, his job, his anxiety to seek sympathy for his plight.

If he suddenly decided he wanted contact it would take a lot of work - lots of tiny baby steps to regain the trust of the children, lots of time and energy... it would take 100% commitment with that process his number one priority

And quite frankly if he has even one excuse why that is not possible then you need to seriously consider this... if it was your child would YOU want him dipping in and out of her life at whim? Would you want to manage a constant dashing of expectations and rejection from her other parent?
What would you do? I think if you really consider it from the point of view of this happening to YOUR DD then I think you might not be quite so supportive of his excuses.

prayingmantisgroupie · 24/02/2013 00:44

SqAwe

CheerfulYank · 24/02/2013 00:50

He really can't ask to, say, work longer hours every other Thursday so he can take off early Friday to get them at school?

Go to court. See what the judge has to say. She/he may well say that the mum HAS to deal with a later pickup. He doesn't know til he tries.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/02/2013 01:44

Its quite likely a judge would be inwardly sighing at yet another prat bleating about it being everybody else's fault as to why he couldn't see his children but saying he wanted to but only if its at his convienance and only if the mum brings the children to him but only when he can be bothered to arrange his work/ home commitments and can't commit to regular times

MusicalEndorphins · 24/02/2013 02:07

You dh doesn't sound like he cares about his kids.

I know someone who told her ex he wasn't the father of his ds, as she wanted him out of their lives completely.
It wasn't true, but he couldn't be bothered to demand DNA testing.
Somehow the truth came out after he was a teenager, and he has a good relationship with his father and his family now.

He needs to go to court, lack of money is just a weak excuse. Do you have legal aid in the UK? Or as you said, he can go without a lawyer.

CSIJanner · 24/02/2013 04:25

Please say this is a reverse thread?! It's heartbreaking otherwise.

OP - I understand that you didn't like DP's behaviour today and that you do feel the need to try and defend his POV, but in reality, whilst he does work, there is no excuse for behaving in the manner he did today. He needs to try and resolve seeing his children by negotiating with ExPas opposed to saying one weekend every six weeks. Just read FFJ and you'll see how some men are desperate for access to their children - your ExW has been offered some v good terms and he's turned it down with no negotiation. Does he write to them ever week? Tell them what he's doing, how much he misses them and asks them about their lives? Has he tried going to counselling with ExW about access?

I know it's not you who is doing this but the victims here are his children, who may very well have seen their dad hide at the swimming pool. Shame on him! Agree with others that he needs to talk to work about being more flexible, which he should be able to request, and then either renegotiate with ExW or go to court. He needs to repair this damage before his relationship with his children is irreparably broken.

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 07:18

lots of of us have careers.

if my career was incompatible with my son what should i do? should i abandon him? say well i'd love to be his parent but it clashes with my terribly important career?

you are avoiding looking at this for what it really is.

why do 'i' have to arrange my work around my parenting and he does not? why does she have to make herself available every day for her kids but he can't be expected to make himself regularly available every other weekend?

i think you may need to reflect on your attitudes to men and women. are men just more important and their jobs more important and everything should move around to fit them and their wants and needs? is not doing that unreasonable?

and are women just the ones who should do everything for the kids and be grateful if their father pays maintenance or wants to see them at all?

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 07:31

incidentally spending time with your grandparents doesn't mean your mum is a shit parent. ds spends one night a week overnight at my parents house allowing me to have a late finish at work one day and an early start the next and (shock, horror) an evening to myself. they sometimes have him more than that if i've got things on. he and his cousins have their own rooms there full of stuff for them. it's called family and ds is blessed by having grandparents able to offer him love and commitment especially given he hasn't got a father willing to do the same. some families are like this.

i wouldn't say me and my parents were particularly close, in fact we have very difficult relationships really but i do much egg shell walking because of my son and my neice and nephews. single mums with willing parents are blessed with support and more security and love for their children than everything coming from just one adult.

you should be happy for those kids that their gps are involved in their lives not using it as a point against their mother. presumably that also explains why she moved fifty miles after splitting with him - to be near her parents who were willing to be a supportive part of hers and her children's lives.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/02/2013 09:30

Ali - I think you are a kind person who feels understandably torn about how to proceed. Your DP's ex is making things hard for him (eg not letting you collect SD from after school club on a Fri) and you are not sure how to make him behave acceptably. I honestly think your DP needs to get legal advice urgently about re-establishing contact ASAP. Why don't you find a solicitor and then tell DP you want both of you to go there to discuss the way forward. The solicitor will tell you how best to approach his ex and what reasonable contact terms will. They will advise on to mediation or a court hearing as necessary to sort this out. I think you need to push you DP to sort this out rather than hiding from his kids otherwise they will never forgive him.

MidniteScribbler · 24/02/2013 10:21

What a fuckwit. What an absolute fucking disgusting excuse for a humn being.

I have no respect for anyone that could even begin to defend his actions.

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 10:23

bit harsh midnite. i have no sympathy for him but the OP got together and had a child with this man and obviously loves him and has watched this all unfold since falling in love with him and becoming pregnant.

Spero · 24/02/2013 12:54

You can always find time for the things you want to do.

Just make sure you keep careful records of all your family finances etc so you have the information you need when he runs away from this family too.

'Physically ill with stress'. Ah. Poor little baby.

DontmindifIdo · 24/02/2013 13:23

there's a lot of excuses. Unless his career physically removes him from the country (pilot, oil rig etc) then he could at least ask for a flexible request (I know CID officers, consultants, nurses, air traffic control staff who all should have fixed shift rotas being able to get changes to their shift patterns when they requested because of childcare). The answer might be no, but he should at least try...

If she doesn't like you picking the DCs up, tough.

She upsets him, well boo hoo, he managed to live with her long enough to knock her up twice. she can't have that bad an effect on him... Hmm

marfisa · 24/02/2013 13:33

This is heartbreaking to read. I want to sympathise with you, OP, but it's hard to do because you keep citing your DP's excuses as though they were valid reasons not to have seen his DC for 16 months.

Loads of people have careers. Loads of people can't bear to be in the company of their dreadful exes. And yet they compromise/abandon their careers and put up with the company of their exes anyway, because they are grownups and they recognise that their DC COME FIRST.

Your DP's behaviour is pathetic. I would not be able to sustain a relationship for a moment with a father who neglected his DC in this disgusting manner. He needs to man up immediately and start being a proper father to his kids. ALL his kids.

cory · 24/02/2013 14:05

Has he actually made any attempts to look for a more family friendly job? Has he done any retraining? Has he tried medication or counselling to cope with the stress of meeting his ex?

We know he hasn't gone to court for residency- has he applied for DNA testing? Neglecting his children because he "thinks" one of them might not be his hardly cuts much ice in a time when the issue can easily be put to the test. The child would hardly be any worse off, would they? (there would be absolutely nothing to stop him from carrying on with the maintenance payments if he cared for the child, would there?)

He can't be bothered to send a card "because the ex might not give it to the child" is another pathetically lame excuse- what harm would an undelivered letter do? Would the effort kill him? At least he'd be able to tell the child he tried if they ever were to meet up.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 16:07

I'm sorry but if a woman said her ex was abusive, adulterous and made her ill with stress you wouldn't call her a baby. Just because the situation is reversed and it's a man that's suffering these feelings it doesn't make them less valid. Also you wouldn't tell a woman to quit the career she loved, worked incredibly hard for and which funded her children's lifestyle to make contact more convenient for her ex, yet you expect DP to do just that. His kids had no problem with 6 weeks between staying contact when it was happening, it was his ex wanting more regular nights out that caused the alternate weekend demand. That and because she knew his job made it impossible and was busy teaching the kids to call her boyfriend of. 2 months daddy and trying to change their name to his.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 24/02/2013 16:08

The thing is, OP, his ex can "not want" things like you picking the kids up from school etc etc, but at the end of the day, if DH takes her to court it's not up to her to set rules like that, it's up to the judge. You're both full of excuses.

AnnieLobeseder · 24/02/2013 16:10

And no manner of abusive, adulterous or bloody-mindedly annoying ex would keep me from fighting tooth and nail, day and night, to the ends of the earth, to spend as much time as possible with my own children. Surely you feel the same way about your children?

cory · 24/02/2013 16:11

No, but there is no way we would condone a woman walking away from her children because of stress before instead of dealing with her stress through medication or in any other way.

There is no way we would condone a woman waiting 16 months without moving a finger to organise access through the courts.

There is no way we would condone a woman hiding from her children in a public place.

There is no way we would condone a woman not even sending her children birthday cards "because they might not get deliver".

Would you?

Bobyan · 24/02/2013 16:12

That's the spirit Op keep the excuses coming.

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