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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd1 aged 13 wants to go to a party tomorrow......

139 replies

Xroads · 21/02/2013 08:43

wearing these

and some wet look leggings (which she wants to buy today, I've said I think it will look tarty for her age) and a top.

She thinks its ok to spend all her money on the shoes and leggings (£35) and not leave enough to buy drinks whilst at the party. I said she will get dehydrated.

AIBU to not allow her to go? (she has already been grounded for the past 2 days so it was touch and go as to whether she was allowed to go anyway)

The party includes getting ready at her friends house and staying over after btw.

ps I have pmt so I am aware I may be unreasonable, hence the question.

OP posts:

adeucalione · 22/02/2013 09:36

I see that you and your daughter have reached an agreement now OP, but FWIW I agreed with your original post.

I think wet look leggings are too overtly sexy for a 13yo, and the shoes are too high. If I was having this argument with DD I would give in on the shoes but stick to my guns about the leggings.

I also use the word 'tarty' to describe a look that makes the wearer look like a prostitute. Not sure what would be a more pc way of saying that tbh, and I think it's important to discuss image with children, the sooner they learn that people judge on appearances (rightly or wrongly, they do) the better.

thebody · 22/02/2013 09:44

I can't begin to understand leggings and sexy in the same sentence.

I do remember the first year of nursing school ( in my day we trained properly on the wards and lived in the nursing home)

The girls who ran absolutely riot and shagged anything that moved were the girls who had turned up in frumpy outfits with correct fussy parents in tow. They were like wild animals let loose of parental control.

If you don't start to unwind the leash by degrees they don't learn.

I thought the outfit looked very sensible and mainstream to be honest.

AngryBeaver, no dought shorts and flip flops are wonderful where you live but not really suitable attire here in cold cold Engkand at the moment, you lucky bigger...

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 09:46

Why have I got flowers!

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 09:50

thebody, yes, I understand it's differnt in the Uk. Fashion is not as big a deal here! It's more sport and stuff.

adeucalione · 22/02/2013 10:00

the body you're right of course, wearing 'tarty' clothes does not make you a prostitute, any more than wearing a frumpy outfit makes you a paragon of virtue. But unfortunately judgements are made based on your attire, which is why most people dress smartly for an interview.

I don't think it's wrong at all to teach children that it's important to create a positive impression on people, and at about 13yo - when they are beginning to push boundaries and assert their individuality - is a good time to do it IMO. Of course they might completely ignore you, but if you've got a good relationship and you've consistently proven to them that you have good judgement, and they value your opinion, it doesn't have to be a big deal.

OddBoots · 22/02/2013 10:04

I agree about presenting a positive impression but I also think it is useful to learn a sense of audience in terms of what is appropriate in different settings. What we wear, how we speak and what we do varies depending on where we are and who we are with.

imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 10:13

Because angry I just felt like giving you them before you are unleashed with a tenn. Regards fashion and sport my kids are competitive sports players both for school and county so I cannot see what you mean. Sports clothes for sports, comfy clothes in house, wet weather for hiking up moors onesies for chilling and wedges and party clothes for party !!!

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 10:15

Well, thank you, it's always nice to recieve flowers.

I am quite pissed now, so going to bed!

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 10:20

INfact, very pissed and have forgotten how to spell

NorthernLurker · 22/02/2013 17:32

Strong independant women are what strong, assertive, independant girls with good self esteem grow up to be. Which is why parents have to let them fly - albeit with the Mother Eagle flapping along behind, dictating landing sites.
Nobody wants their child to be inappropriately older than their age but we do have to accept that they will probably grow up quicker than we expect and you can't stop that. My 15 yr old will play with her sisters as well as going to coffee shops and buying shoes. It's about a balance I think.

NorthernLurker · 22/02/2013 17:32

It's also about remebering how old your children are! Dd1 is 14, 15 in 6 weeks

Still18atheart · 22/02/2013 17:44

YABU! your fear of her being dehydrated is your reason for not letting her go, thats a bit extreme! Secondly, when you were a teenager didn't you wear things which you may not wear now or that your mother wasn't happy about wearing.

LaQueen · 22/02/2013 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominmammasHandbag · 22/02/2013 18:45

DD2 is 13. The last party with adults that she went to, in the village hall, she wore a skater style dress, shoes with little heels and a messy up-do. She looked like a funky Audrey Hepburn. Last sleepover type party (girls only) was probably shorts, tights and Converse. Totally age appropriate.
DD1 is 17, wears what she likes, so quite short shorts and tights, body con type dresses, but she keeps it covered up. She is quite scathing about girls who let it all hang out. I don't police what she wears but then fortunately it's never been an issue because I laid the law down when she was younger.

Happymum22 · 22/02/2013 20:48

You sound a lovely and sensible, realistic mother who has got things just right. She also sounds a lovely DD and her outfit sounds a great choice- suitable for her age and the event. And although you were worried about her budgeting it sounds like she sensibly saved Christmas money and put it all together for the ipad and then bought an outfit for this party which hopefully she'll be able to use in different combinations in the future. If shes anything like my DD that leather jacket will barely leave her body from now on!

13 year olds all go through that awkward phase where they just desperately want to fit in whether through being trendy or good at something or whatever. Clothes and parties may not be where you want her to get her self-esteem from but this sort of thing is where most 13 year old will either feel good or bad about themselves.
At least its not a short skirt and crop top, sounds like she does know about dressing appropriately and that you have laid down clear and realistic boundaries.

Sorry to hear what you went to and glad you are trying to make sure your DD never has so suffer like you did in an abusive relationship

Happymum22 · 22/02/2013 20:49

PS remember to tell her how lovely she looks and wish her a good night from me :)

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 21:25

Ok, I am sober, and I still think no!

And I wouldn't care if there was an almighty row over it, the outfit is far too old for her years..."no is a complete sentence"

Still, everyone is different and if you are ok with it, that's up to you.

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 21:31

northern I agree that strong independant girls grow into strong independant women. However they are NOT women at 13. That is SO young. Far too young to be wearing towering platform heels!!

Yes, pick your battles and all that, but I would pick this one!

I would think a 13 year old in those shoes with wet look leggins, would look ridiculous...like a mini 18 year old.

I was with a 12 year old (13 soon) last weekend (she was taller than me and I'm nearly 5'9)
She had a floaty (shortish) summer dress on and roman sandals, a hairband with a biggish flower on the side, no make up. She looked lovely.
And guess what? Despite her size, she was a little girl!

mrsbunnylove · 22/02/2013 21:31

@angry- absolutely right the coat didn't make her pregnant. the mum's attitude did. she was a nice little girl until the mum made her 'more exciting' in her 'prossy coat'. just an example of giving an impression of yourself which others then respond to.

NorthernLurker · 22/02/2013 23:55

Honestly angry - come back when your dd is 13 and see which battles you're fighting. Don't get me started on the leaving the house without a coat thing...........

ExitPursuedByABear · 23/02/2013 00:04

DD (13) went to a party last week in some ridculously high heels, which she took off when she got there, a skirt which was a mini at the front and long at the back (hideous) and a lacy top. She looked, unusual, and very, very tall, but I told her she looked great.

And that really annoying hair, sort of a big quiff thing at the front and long at the back. Why?

Startail · 23/02/2013 00:14

I think no and clothes as long as they are decent is pretty pointless, unless they are going to a wedding or off hiking.

My 15 yo does sensible middle of the road clothes, because that's the way she approaches everything in life.

My just 12 yo oscillates between little girl and rock chick, has since she was about 9. I suspect she always will. She is blessed with the sort of looks and colouring that let her be quietly pretty or quite striking.

She's going to spend the next 10 years playing with her style and I'm certain I shall have to pick my battles very wisely.

Remotecontrolduck · 23/02/2013 00:19

I think the shoes are absolutely fine, but paired with the wetlook leggings could be a bit much. Depends massively on the top though, a sort of long loose T shirt thing fine, a tight vest top probably not.

There are bigger battles, and wedges and leggings at 13 really isn't bad trust me....it's when they want to go out in those little lycra knicker shorts and stillettos you need to draw the line!

5madthings · 23/02/2013 00:24

The op has updated to say she is wearing a top, jacket and knee length skirt with tights and the shoes. Sounds fine :)

Remotecontrolduck · 23/02/2013 00:25

Nice to see she's picked a slightly more conservative outfit now though

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