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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd1 aged 13 wants to go to a party tomorrow......

139 replies

Xroads · 21/02/2013 08:43

wearing these

and some wet look leggings (which she wants to buy today, I've said I think it will look tarty for her age) and a top.

She thinks its ok to spend all her money on the shoes and leggings (£35) and not leave enough to buy drinks whilst at the party. I said she will get dehydrated.

AIBU to not allow her to go? (she has already been grounded for the past 2 days so it was touch and go as to whether she was allowed to go anyway)

The party includes getting ready at her friends house and staying over after btw.

ps I have pmt so I am aware I may be unreasonable, hence the question.

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 21/02/2013 09:31

You want her to buy cheaper shoes? Cheaper than £19.99?
Please point me in the direction of this fabled shoe shop, I will snap up their every pair. Hmm

Implying your daughter is a 'tart' (yes you are btw, don't pretend you aren't) is fucking horrible. She's 13! She should be able to go the party in a bikini without that kind of label. As, incidentally, should we all.

And as for this dehydrated business - words fail me...

imnotmymum · 21/02/2013 09:33

See I thought this was a party which is different to an under 16 night IMO.

HollyBerryBush · 21/02/2013 09:33

It could be worse OP, she might have wanted to go in cut away hot pants with her arse cheeks hanging out!

mrsjay · 21/02/2013 09:36

MY dd had shoes like that at 13 I dont think she looked tarty I think they are fine for a 13 yr old let her go to the party or dont but do not call your child tarty or say things she might wear are tarty .

Lovecat · 21/02/2013 09:39

Is it a rave? Why on earth are you worried about her getting dehydrated? As others have said, tap water is free... It won't do her any harm to learn to budget and she's being sensible going to New Look - you'd be pushed to get clothes/shoes cheaper round our way, even the market stalls are pricey!

WRT the outfit, I have a pair of shoes from New Look a bit like that (same shape, more funky) and after a couple of hours they come off and I'm in the flipflops I brought along in my handbag - they're not the most comfortable shoes! If she's not used to heels that high (even though they're wedges they're still fairly precipitous) then perhaps you might suggest she brings along some flats for later on (btw, I tend to wear mine with a matching dress that's above my knees - am I a tart too)?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 21/02/2013 09:45

Those shoes are actually quite nice (I must be a tart) and wet look leggings are very fashionable right now.

My parents let me do absolutely nothing as a teen. What did I do? I ran away at 17 and was pregnant at 20.

Let her go to the party. Talk to her properly about sex and relationships and pressure and saying no. Open up non judgemental lines of communication if you want her to be able to talk to you and not keep secrets. And stop using the word tarty.

mrsjay · 21/02/2013 09:46

DDs were purple I thought they were nice

imnotmymum · 21/02/2013 09:46

I think she has sort of apologised for using that word. And I hope she does not refer to her DD again in such a way. I believe it is not what you wear it is how you wear it.

bringbacksideburns · 21/02/2013 09:49

I wouldn't be focussing on the clothes tbh, unless they were shockingly revealing.
Shoes look like the kind of shoes teenagers like and her feet will be killing her by the end of the night.
Cut her some slack. I had a friend who had a green mohican and wore a kilt and fishnets when she was only a couple of years older. Let's hope she doesn't go punk, eh?

lljkk · 21/02/2013 10:22

yanbu about her need to budget more wisely.

Tarty to me is an alternative to chav: cheap and bad taste.

Fashion conscious 11yo DD likes the shoes but understands why you disapprove of wet look leggings (personally, I think they're hideous). That said, I'd probably prefer my DD to wear sensible shoes & I'd ignore the stupid leggings, so I'd lean on her to choose that way.

Startail · 21/02/2013 10:43

The first clothes I ever bought all by myself were a short rara skirt and a vest top. My excuse was it was a very hot May day.

Truth was that was the fashion of the day.

I think your have to leave her to it and concentrate on ensuring she is sensible at the party.

No getting drunk (I would be totally hypothetical to say no alcohol, because by 14/15 and may be younger our local dances and some pubs served us).

Boys may be kissed, nothing more. (this never had to be a rule in my pre aids, pre condom machine days, but things have changed).

But most importantly of all, you are where you say you are, when you say you are. You only accept transport off agreed, sober adults your parents have agreed to.

You stay at the house you agreed to stay at. You are polite and respectful to parents you stay with or are given lifts by.

Cassarick · 21/02/2013 11:23

STOP people STOP. Don't you know the difference between:

tarty as a noun

and

tarty as an adjective?

Dear oh dear some of you really get it wrong, don't you??

perplexedpirate · 21/02/2013 11:59

How is tarty a noun?

Coconutty · 21/02/2013 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

simplesusan · 21/02/2013 12:36

I would let her wear the clothes she wants.
Wet look leggings are fashionable.
As for the shoes, I have seen worse.

I would let her go.
Pick her up afterwards if you seriously don't want her to sleep over.

Bear in mind though that sleepovers are fun for kids of all ages. I would check out who is sleeping over and if it is just her then let her go.

Saski · 21/02/2013 12:40

How else is one to describe unwholesome clothes? She's not calling her daughter a tart.

I wouldn't let my daughter wear them at 13, but I don't have a daughter. Heels are for women, not children.

Ashoething · 21/02/2013 12:49

FFs pack it in with giving the op a hard time-does it really make you feel better about yourselves?

Op-I am clearly in the minority here as I would not be happy with my dd going out in the outfit you have described-13 is far too young. The shoes themselves are ok but NOT teamed with ultra tight shiny leggings.

But then again I see girls around here as young as 11 with dyed blonde or jet black hair,ratty extensions,vile false lashes and nails and ridiculous shoes. There parents clearly give them the cash to buy this stuff and I presume must thing they look good

KellyElly · 21/02/2013 12:49

Wet look leggings are fashionable and the shoes are pretty safe imo. She just wants to appear grown up, I know I did at that age. You say she's She's very confident and a lovely girl, I'm very proud of her. so reward her for being like that and allow her some freedom, choice and trust. Regarding the money, well it is her money so she should be able to spend it as she wishes (within reason obviously). At this age pick your battles OP or you'll have a rebellious teen on your hands instead of the girl you have described.

Wowserz129 · 21/02/2013 12:55

Leave her alone about her dress sense, you will only bash her confidence! She's 13.

Are you honestly angry that she spends money on clothes instead of keeping money to spend on a drink so she isn't 'dehydrated'?

You need to lighten up and not be so boring!!

As for party I would phone and check the arrangements at the other house and let her go

loubielou31 · 21/02/2013 13:37

Water is free, she will not get dehydrated. She may well get very cold but it seems to me that teenagers never wear proper clothes.

Original poster
Xroads · 21/02/2013 15:44

Thanks to those that have stuck up for me Smile

I'm in a calmer more rational mood this afternoon, dd1 is out shopping but has rang me to say she decided against the leggings after all so no idea what she is coming home with instead but I do trust her so we shall see........

The sleepover I'm fine about, the girls parents are lovely, I've met them quite a few times and I totally trust them to make sure she is ok and the friend she is staying with is a nice girl too so no problems with that.

The shoes.....still not keen but she takes after me in the height department so I can understand her wanting to appear taller to fit in with her friends.

Yes yes yes to the poster who said

I think your have to leave her to it and concentrate on ensuring she is sensible at the party.

No getting drunk (I would be totally hypothetical to say no alcohol, because by 14/15 and may be younger our local dances and some pubs served us).

Boys may be kissed, nothing more. (this never had to be a rule in my pre aids, pre condom machine days, but things have changed).

But most importantly of all, you are where you say you are, when you say you are. You only accept transport off agreed, sober adults your parents have agreed to.

You stay at the house you agreed to stay at. You are polite and respectful to parents you stay with or are given lifts by.

Dd1 was grounded for a couple of days at the start of the week for not being where she was supposed to be and not being contactable by phone, I do not pay for her to have a phone that doesn't work Hmm she's learnt her lesson and I have to give her another chance to prove herself to us.

I was a nightmare teen so I know how much worse it could be and am therefore very grateful for how sensible dd is........

OP posts:
OhMerGerd · 21/02/2013 18:26

Agree with DazR - a party at a social club ok if it's a lock-in private do organised by parents of and to be attended by her peers ie children 11 to 14.Otherwise I'd be saying no on grounds of age appropriateness, and I wouldn't give a monkeys if she planned to wear a floor length pinafore with a polo neck underneath and school shoes.

Re the money if she had it spend, it's up to her how she spends it that's how she learns, but as she hasn't got it you're right to say no.

NorthernLurker · 21/02/2013 19:11

Sounds like you've worked through this OP. Well done Smile

Bunbaker - my dds go to plenty of sleepovers and similar. I just meant they haven't gone to larger scale parties which may or may not have parents there, have a mix of ages and potentially booze available. If they desperately wanted to go I would let them with appropriate ground rules but atm none of us are keen so it isn't an issue.

twinklesparkles · 21/02/2013 19:27

Yabu

MoominmammasHandbag · 21/02/2013 20:11

Wow, I am obviously a proper old codger ( clutches pearls ) cos no 13 year old of mine would wear shoes like that. But my 17 year old has wet look leggings and I think it is quite a overtly sexy look.

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