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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd1 aged 13 wants to go to a party tomorrow......

139 replies

Xroads · 21/02/2013 08:43

wearing these

and some wet look leggings (which she wants to buy today, I've said I think it will look tarty for her age) and a top.

She thinks its ok to spend all her money on the shoes and leggings (£35) and not leave enough to buy drinks whilst at the party. I said she will get dehydrated.

AIBU to not allow her to go? (she has already been grounded for the past 2 days so it was touch and go as to whether she was allowed to go anyway)

The party includes getting ready at her friends house and staying over after btw.

ps I have pmt so I am aware I may be unreasonable, hence the question.

OP posts:
MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:15

Give her a fiver to get drinks. She's 13....they want to dress up and have fun, life's too short.

The clothes are quite grown up but if she wears a non revealing top it won;t look too grown up.

SandStorm · 21/02/2013 09:15

I'd be more bothered by my 13 year old going to a party in a social club where she is expected to pay for her own drinks. The club won't be an exclusive venue for the party unless the it is prepared to close to its members for the night which is highly unlikely. I would need to know exactly which responsibly adults would be there and make sure I'd talked to them first about the arrangements.

MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:15

I was x roads and I'm 40.....grew up in the 80s.

Bunbaker · 21/02/2013 09:16

"I wouldn't be keen on my daughter going to parties yet. I have one who is 14 and one who is 12"

You don't let them go to parties, ever? Why not? DD is 12 and has been to a couple of sleepover parties and one Laserquest party. Not all teen parties are booze fuelled sex orgies.

CheeseStrawWars · 21/02/2013 09:16

The leggings combined with those shoes remind me of Sandy from Grease. But if a 13 year old wanted to wear them, then I'd let her. It's getting a bit close to victim-blaming to say she looks tarty in heels and shiny legs... so if she gets any bother from boys, she'll be 'asking for it', is that what you're saying? Really?

Either she'll feel comfortable and confident in them and pull it off, or she'll be uncomfortable and not want to wear them again. Nothing's 'hanging out', it's not impractical for the time of year, it's not overly-sexualised, like padded bras for 7 year olds...

If you tell her she can't go to a party because you don't like what she wears - which in this instance is utterly a matter of taste - that's very controlling. Would you be happy if she had a boyfriend who wouldn't let her go out if he didn't like what she was wearing?

Original poster
Xroads · 21/02/2013 09:16

Right I see you all have the same view on the word tarty, what would should I use instead? To me is just means an outfit where you are trying to look older than you really are.

I hadn't realised the implications of such a word.

OP posts:
Bejeena · 21/02/2013 09:16

I am sorry but I really don't get the dehydration thing. Say party starts at 7pm I mean how much would she really drink of an evening at home after 7pm, really that much? I quite often don't have a drink at all after dinner and just go to bed. So what if she doesn't want to buy drinks she won't dehydrate by not having a drink of an evening!

DSM · 21/02/2013 09:17

Women of. All ages should be able to wear what they like without being labelled as anything.

And tarty definitely doesn't mean 'trying to look older than you are'. It's offensive, derogatory, and suggests that the woman is willing to have sex.

imnotmymum · 21/02/2013 09:20

Look older than you really are. Yes we spend our youth trying to look older then the rest of our lives trying to look younger. I agree if it is a private party with her peers not a problem, but is it open house? Then my 13 year old would not be going.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 21/02/2013 09:21

Wet look leggings and wedges are the "in thing" for kids that age at the moment. It's not Sandy from Grease to them, it's dressing like celebrities/characters that they all like.

As long as she is wearing a long vest or something, she'll look fine. Honestly. You might see '80's nightmare, but her friends and her will love it (until they look back!) and at least she will be covered up and warm.

I appreciate that this is probably all grounded in you getting pregnant at 16 and fearing the same thing for your daughter, but it's not a tarty look, and it isn't too old for her. 16yos wouldn't be seen dead in wet look leggings right now, it's a young fashion trend.

DIYapprentice · 21/02/2013 09:21

she needs to learn to budget

And she will! She's only 13. You're allowed to be stupid with your money at 13. Tap water will be free, so she WON'T get dehydrated. You seem to be ignoring that.

Don't decide whether she can go to the party based on the money issue. Don't give her an advance on her pocket money, as you say, you can't afford it. If she's thirsty all night and can only have luke warm tap water to drink then that will be her lesson. Next time, she might leave a fiver for some drinks.

Original poster
Xroads · 21/02/2013 09:22

It's getting a bit close to victim-blaming to say she looks tarty in heels and shiny legs... so if she gets any bother from boys, she'll be 'asking for it', is that what you're saying? Really?

Of course I'm not saying that, she probably will get attention from boys, she is gorgeous after all......

And no when she is old enough to have a boyfriend that has an opinion I would hope she is old enough to stand up for herself and wear what she wants.

I was once called a slut and punched in the face by an ex for wearing a tennis dress on a sunny day so maybe my views are slightly marred by that. I know that I do have issues especially when I have PMT my brain goes a bit hayware.

OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 21/02/2013 09:23

Oh, and the best way to learn to budget is to have to go without something. Let her buy the clothes, and experience not being able to buy a drink. She'll learn, it's part of the learning curve.

Fair enough if you can't afford to give her an advance, you wouldn't have too if you could afford it, but don't tell her how to spend her money. She won't learn that way, she'll just see it as you being controlling. £35 for two items actually isn't that bad...

Groovee · 21/02/2013 09:23

My 13 year old often wears clothes I think she looks ridiculous in. But she likes them and I am sure she thinks the same about me. Its what 13 year olds do. They wear clothes then in years to come cringe at what they thought looked good.

I think your PMT is in overdrive and maybe you should let her make her own mistakes.

MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:23

Cheese is right...they're very Sandy. Would look nice with a plain t shirt and denim jacket.

OP you'd be better off giving DD the ammunition to deal with unwanted attention than calling her tarty.

Teach her how to get use one liners...how to sense trouble before it begins...how to trust her instincts.

DSM · 21/02/2013 09:23

Grin at 16yo's wouldn't be seen dead in wet look leggings...

And I have some and I am 30.

imnotmymum · 21/02/2013 09:25

I think I have some too actually and I am 37 !!

Bejeena · 21/02/2013 09:26

I would also worry about the party being in a social club, assume there will be alcohol being served to older people or an adult there to control who is being served? Of course a bit of a non issue if she has no money though.

I would not be letting my daughter go to a party where alcohol is served and let her stay over at a friends afterwards. I'd let her go but want to collect her myself and bring her home. I know you said you met the girl a few times but do you know anything about the setup of the house your daughter will be staying in?

That would be my concern over dehydration and wacky outfit choices.

Original poster
Xroads · 21/02/2013 09:26

The word tarty doesn't mean derogatory, and suggests that the woman is willing to have sex. to me, if it did I wouldn't have used it, I do not want her having sex, clearly! I want her to have a better future than that!

I think I've said a few times now that I didn't mean it like that, it doesn't mean that to me. Can you all get off my case now? I came here for advice and I am taking it all on board, as i said in my OP i have got PMT and may be being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:27

Yes my neice has some and she's 19!

CajaDeLaMemoria · 21/02/2013 09:27

I didn't mean that anyone over 16 wouldn't wear them...

16yos in particular, at least around here, don't wear them. You get the under 15's, and the over 20's. But no 16 to 18 yos (maybe because they are all going through that rebellious fashion age? Who knows!)

If this is an au fait social club, there should be no alcohol on under-16 nights.

MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:28

If you don't want her having sex (naturally) then you'd better teach her to listen to her instincts and have the confidence to say no....she could be out in a sack and wellies and if she's not got the confidence to say no, then she could STILL get pressured for sex.

Original poster
Xroads · 21/02/2013 09:28

The social club and the house she would be staying in is in one of the better areas of our town and dd looks younger than she is so wouldn't get served anyway.

I'm leaving this thread now as I need to go out. Thank you for helping me put things into perspective.

OP posts:
DSM · 21/02/2013 09:29

That is what the word tarty suggests - you are just unsigned it incorrectly.

There is your advice.

Oh, and let your daughter wear the leggings and shoes.

MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:29

I'm not having a go OP....I think people have seen that you're trying to chill about it....my DDs are only 8 and 4....I bet I'm a total nutter by the time they're 13!

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