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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd1 aged 13 wants to go to a party tomorrow......

139 replies

Xroads · 21/02/2013 08:43

wearing these

and some wet look leggings (which she wants to buy today, I've said I think it will look tarty for her age) and a top.

She thinks its ok to spend all her money on the shoes and leggings (£35) and not leave enough to buy drinks whilst at the party. I said she will get dehydrated.

AIBU to not allow her to go? (she has already been grounded for the past 2 days so it was touch and go as to whether she was allowed to go anyway)

The party includes getting ready at her friends house and staying over after btw.

ps I have pmt so I am aware I may be unreasonable, hence the question.

OP posts:
austenozzy · 21/02/2013 20:28

I took a bottle of whisky to my friend's 13th (I was 13 too, btw...), and got rather ill. I still can't smell whisky without gagging. I can't remember what shoes I was wearing, or whether I woke up with them!

mrsbunnylove · 21/02/2013 20:58

i think the shoes are great.
the wet-look leggings are pushing it a bit but it depends on the top. a good long top, not too low in the front, would make them ok.
she needs money for bottled water and training in how to safeguard the drink - thumb over when not actually drinking, and never go back to a drink you've left unattended.

the main thing though is that her parents should collect her and take her home when the party ends. and make a habit of it, whenever similar situations occur. a girl whose 'mum will be here in a bit' is protected from a lot of unfortunate situations and from a lot of temptations. it is equally important that they should have safe places to experiment with clothes etc. a supervised party is ok, a party where your own parents are present is better.

i don't use the word 'tarty' very often but i would use many other words meaning roughly the same thing. it is imperative to train girls in how to give the right impression. start early, as soon as they become aware of other people and their clothing. to tell your daughter something will 'look tarty' is not the same as telling her she is a tart.

one girl i knew thought it was wonderful when her mum bought her what the mum termed 'your 'prossy' coat' (white, pvc) and she and mum were probably just as delighted when she was pregnant at fifteen. her clothes said she was available. prior to the coat no-one made that assumption.

chandellina · 21/02/2013 21:23

It's a world gone mad when you can't call a tarty look tarty. How about just sexy then? Way too sexy IMO for a 13 year old, but I do agree you have to pick your battles.

Original poster
Xroads · 22/02/2013 08:06

Thanks everyone.

Dd1 didn't spend the money on leggings, shes going to wear a white t shirt tucked into a black skirt which is to the knee with tights those shoes and a leather look jacket. Smile

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 08:10

Well tell her from me to have a good night !! (and stay safe)

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:31

mrebunnylove, I undersatns where you're coming from, but you lost me at "no-one made that assumption before he had the coat" I am pretty sure a coat doesn't get someone pregnant!Hmm

The fact that you say her and her mother were delighted that she was pregnant and 15 speaks volumes, but to blame the #2prossy" coat for the conception is a bit daft.

I wore some HORRENDOUS ourfits during my teens, some might have read these outfits as "I'm available", but I certainly never gave that impression myself.

I was actually terrified of sex, but liked to look "sexy".

Clothes do not determmine the person.

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:33

sorry for typos, trying to settle dc3 ....
Fore what it's worth, no way would I let my dd wear those clothes or shoes. She is still a little girl, no?

Feminine · 22/02/2013 08:38

13 is very young but I'd let her wear them, there are much worse out there.

I don't see anything wrong with using the word "tarty".

Its very appropriate sometimes.

NorthernLurker · 22/02/2013 08:39

Angrybeaver have you actually dealt with a teenager recently? Clothes and shoes are a very big thing for them and actually no they aren't little girls. They are still children who need support and guidance and sometimes protection but they also need independance. It's not easy at all. I think here are some quite substantial differences that have arisen in opportunity over the last 20 years. Dd1 has a bit more disposable income than I had and she also has a greater selection of cheap clothes to choose from than I did. As a teen I would have loved to spend money on silly shoes Grin When alls said and done clothes are just clothes. Not worth stressing about when there are plenty of other things that they do need a maternal hand to be taken.

imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 08:43

No at 13 they are most certainly not a little girl. They are turning into independent strong women. School work is mad, deadlines to keep, sports is more competitive... It is not as though she is wearing this walking the dog (even though...) it is a bloody party!!

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:47

No northern, my dd is only 6. But, I still feel that 13 is very young, still a little girl. 14/15, big difference.

I really think that I would say no to these shoes and clothes at that age. Also, sleeping over after the party.
It just all seems too much too young!!

We don;t live in the UK and girls here do not seem to have the same issues at that age, thank god.

They probably snog boys and do naughty things Mums wouln't approve of, but, they stil - in the main- dress age appropriately.

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:48

By that I mean, shorts t-shirts, flip flops, not much make up...really casually.
I am glad of it, tbh.

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:50

Did see one girl (but late teens/maybe 20) where her shorts were so short, that she stood up to get off the ferry and you could see her, ahem, flappage Blush

imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 08:50

Black skirt, white t shirt ... not really radical is it and shoes well shoes are shoes. sorry Angry and I do not wish to speak out of turn but the transformation is undeliverable even in year 6 my 11 year old has changed and you can see her blossoming and is so ready for secondary school they do grow up overnight. They take their GCSEs at my DD school at 13 no room to be a little girl when chasing a*

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:52

indepdant strong women??At 13? Shock
Maybe for some, at the cusp of childhood and adolecence...but a STRONG WOMAN?? I think not.
Quite disturbing that sentence, imo.

imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 08:56

You just wait and see...I am proud my 14 year old is strong in her views, confident, self assured and intelligent and my nearly 13 is the same. You would be doing your DD a discredit if you did not bring her up to be the above. I know it sounds young and my DDs do not run riot and are in fact real home birds who never seem to venture further than the bottom of the yard...but yes I will describe them as strong, independent women (girls if that helps ??)

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 08:59

Well yes, strong independant girls, i have no propblem with!

But, laying the label of strong independant woman on a pair of 13/14 year old shoulders, is wrong, imo.

Original poster
Xroads · 22/02/2013 09:00

Dd1 has grown up a lot in the past few months, she'll be 14 in the summer, it's scary and I remember being 13 and being very young and then suddenly I was kissing boys and smoking (even though I had been dead set against it for years!!!)

It can be that quick..........

Dd1 is at the stage where hugging boys is ok, smoking is def not ok (I think it helps that it is far less socially acceptable these days and also that you have to be over 18 to buy them) God it's so hard letting them grow up.......I've explained to dd it's like taking your phone/ ipad to a field and leaving it there for a few hours and hope it's still there and hasn''t been damaged by the time you go back to get it (except I can't just go and buy another dd so she is even more precious than something that costs a few hundred pounds) I have said I know she probably thinks I'm ok mum just leave me to get on with it, I know what I'm doing, nothing is going to happen to me etc BUT the thing is everyone who has ever been snatched, abused etc thinks it won't happen to them, I was 19 when I was abused for 2 years and I thought I was old enough to look after myself but the truth is it still affects me now...........

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 22/02/2013 09:01

What school is this where kids take their GCSE's at 13????

Sorry, to get back to the OP, I'm glad you've worked it all out and hope she has a great time. 13 is a really difficult age when it comes to appropriate clothing/ curfews and parties. All you can do is teach them as best you can about sensible behaviour and the dangers of not being sensible, and ensure that there are sober, sensible adults around in case of problems. I'd probably prefer my kids to be in a social club or somewhere than at a friends house as at least the club are more likely to abide by the underage drinking laws and there are always adults present, whereas I've had bad experiences (well, seen the consequences) of unsupervised parties in homes. The last one resulted in a girl hospitalised after downing a bottle of vodka, police being called, most of the kids being very sick and the only 4 girls present being (to quote the boys who were present) "passed round all night". Be warned!! (not aimed at OP but those who have younger children and don't think this would ever happen!)

OddBoots · 22/02/2013 09:02

I have a 13 year old boy and he is still a boy albeit one who needs to shave from time to time but many of the girls in his year are very womanly.

They are still young and need support and guidance but part of that is helping them learn how to handle life in a woman's body both in a biological and social context. You have to do that how you have supported them in every other developmental stage, taking little steps back and catching them when they fall.

imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 09:05

Angry that is funny. I do use the term "Strong independant women" to them and so far no adverse affect to the use of such a noun!!

I know Xroads I shudder at the things I did as a 17 year old. Droppin grandom starngers off after a party, walking through town in the dark we feel we are invincible !! A strong, independant Woman !! hee hee
My DD has just come back from Spanish exchange and I was OK but her Dad worried to death!! It is a learning curve.

feckwit · 22/02/2013 09:09

Pick your battles, I think this one might be one to let pass. Assuming you think the party hosts/location are fine, then I would let her go and make her outfit choices.

AngryBeaver · 22/02/2013 09:19

No, imnotmymum, I'm sure it hasn't! And you must do what you feel is right.
I just feel that they are very far from "women" at that age. Adolecents, yep, but not women for several years.
Not even young women at 13, I wouldn't have said.
14?15, big difference , like I said, maybe young women then.

imnotmymum · 22/02/2013 09:20

Thanks for you Angry x

thebody · 22/02/2013 09:32

The clothes and shoes looked fine to me. I used to wear tiny mini skirts and stilletoes at that age!!

My dds are same age and I learned with my older lads to pick your battles.

I actually enjoyed the clothes phases, my lads were goths, emos and rockers all in space of 2 years. Now perfectly normal looking smart young men.

Anyway if you are going to stress about clothes you won't win. She will wear out what you pick and just change at her friends house just like I did.

Happy days....