Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gaps of 4+ years between dc? Do they get on?

107 replies

Thelittlevoiceinmyhead · 20/02/2013 02:22

I found my baby difficult and now he is 19 months I am now only starting to enjoy him.

I blame it on hormones as feeling better and mentally balanced coincided with my periods recently coming back. I felt anxious, tense and couldn't let little things go as I would obsess about them which also created marriage problems.

I also had terrible insomnia for a year which only went away when I went back to work.

I didnt talk to anyone about it as I thought they would suggest ADs which I would not want to take, so I just went back to work earlier than planned and struggled on hoping things would improve which fortunately they did.

Looking back now I should have asked for help as I think having people to talk to would have been helpful, but I was very irrational at the time as well.

Anyway I was talking to a friend and she asked if we were planning on having another dc soon. She has just had her second with a 2 year gap. I said that I would wait until DS was at school or at least fulltime nursery school so that it wouldnt effect his life so much as he would be more independent with his own interests and friends. I wouldnt want my stressed out moods to effect him if he was younger and more reliant on me.

She was quite persistent in discouraging me from this as she said research had found 4+ year gaps meant that the children did not play together and caused sibling rivalry issues more. She also said I might become infertile as Ill be older (im 32 now).

Most people I know have small gaps (I cant think of any gaps bigger than 2.5 actually, except for those who only having the one child or in the case of a second marriage/relationship.)

It seems that people like small gaps these days, I can can remember when I was a child myself people had bigger gaps between dc.

Please tell me iabu and if you have any good (or bad) experience with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelittlevoiceinmyhead · 20/02/2013 02:27

sorry Im 33 now, I forgot my age!

OP posts:
SashaSashays · 20/02/2013 02:36

You're not being unreasonable as different things work for different people. You're previous situation sounded very stressful and I think that taking that into consideration in regards to another baby is sensible.

The point she made about you being infertile sounds bloody rude.ok yes as you age fertility would in all likelihood decrease and might mean you struggle to have say a third child (if you wanted to) but I can't imagine it being a predominant issue with your second.

I have 5 DC ranging from 6 to 21. So ages 21, 18, 14, 9 and 6, then I also have a 4 year old grandson who is around a lot. Firstly it's really dependent on the DC and their personalities, having 2 close together as my sister has done (6 kids in three bursts) doesn't mean those similar in age will get on, her seem to hate the ones closest to them and being so similar in age appears to breed comparisons and rivalry. You do have obvious issues, such as a 3 year old still really being a baby whereas at 7 they can roar off round the park without you, 13 year old wont really 'play' with a 9 year old or a 14 year old has the hump because the 18 year old can do so much more. Bt I don't think these are massive issues, sometimes they find common ground other times its a bit of a brawl. And they can nearly always unite in their hatred of me!

MidnightMasquerader · 20/02/2013 02:45

We TTC'd when PFB was 7 months old and I was knocked up when he was 9MO, so have an 18 month gap between them. It has been hard work, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Neither can remember a time before the other, they play together now and are into the same things.

But it doesn't follow that ours is the only way to do it. Why do people feel the need to try to persuade others to do things their way? And as for declining fertility, for heaven's sake. If you were 10 years older I could maybe understand her making the point - although it's still rude and none of her business. But now, when you're 33?!

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Imaginethat · 20/02/2013 02:45

I think your friend is more interested in you being like her than in you doing what is right for you. Having a child is not something to do to someone else's timetable, you know your needs and wishes, go with them. And you're only 32. If you were 42 well yes, maybe want to crack on but heavens you have time.

Mine have a 5 yr gap and they play together btw.

DharmaBumpkin · 20/02/2013 04:08

We have a 5.5 year gap, not through choice. DD's play together now, at 8 & (nearly) 3, but I'm aware that might not be the case at 13 & 8! But I hope think that if we encourage them to play nicely, share etc, that they will get on fine, and at 33 & 28 it'll be totally unnoticeable.

runningforme · 20/02/2013 04:10

My dd1 turned 6 just a couple of weeks before dd2 was born, my ds was 7. I get more arguing between the older 2 than with either of them and the youngest. dd1 is especially fantastic and is almost like a second mum. I say do what you feel would work best for YOUR family and ignore your friend. however well intentioned her 'advice' she can't possibly know what's best for you or anyone else when it comes to planning their family.

SquinkiesRule · 20/02/2013 04:20

My boys are 5 1/2 years apart and shared a room, and played together, they are adults now and get on great. Dd is 10 years younger than the youngest boy, she loves them both and they would play games with her, but it's not the same, they are more parental with her now

Kytti · 20/02/2013 04:32

I only have 18 m between mine, but that's my personal choice and it was a SLOG. Many of my friends have bigger gaps and it looks like you can enjoy your babies a bit more.

Your friends sounds rude and it's totally up to you. They'll get on / not get on just like other siblings do.

Stick to your guns! We're all different. :)

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 20/02/2013 04:32

different age gaps give different benefits.........and different problems

I think two who get on really well and are close in age is the "sweet spot" in terms of entertaining one another so you never have to touch a Playmobil set again, BUT if they don't get on, then they are going to argue non-stop which is potentially 16 yrs of hell, and there's no way of knowing which way it will go until the second one is born.

With larger gaps, the potential for all-out warfare seems to be less but they are also less likely to play together - sure the older one might entertain the younger one for a bit, but potential for them to play with one another consistently/ all day/ not beg to take friends on holiday etc is lower than with a smaller gap, and possibly it becomes more problematic when the older one "grows out of playing".

Anyway, my point is, there are good and bad things about all gaps, and often it seems to just come down to the personalities involved, so do what works for you.

nooka · 20/02/2013 04:46

We've a 16mth gap between our two and after the stresses of the first few years it has been great as they are at very much the same developmental stage, have lots in common and enjoy each others company. That's not of course to suggest that all siblings with close age gaps get on well, one of the things I have observed is that boy/girl pairs seem to have generally easier relationships.

I think in general siblings with larger age gaps are less likely to be close as older children (especially when the older one goes to secondary school and doesn't want to hang out with a suddenly 'much' younger sibling) but in the long term I don't think it really matters very much - I am much closer to my two elder siblings than my closer one as an example (but my closest sibling is 4 years older than me).

I don't think it is unreasonable for your friend to remind you that your fertility is decreasing because it is true. That's not to say you won't conceive in a couple of years time, but it may take longer. Of course you might also decide that one is enough or a bigger gap might be perfect for you and your family. It doesn't sound like now is the time to be thinking about conceiving again in any case.

Rosevase · 20/02/2013 04:52

I have nearly a 6 year age gap. They adore each other at times and fight like puppies at others. But no different to any other type of sibling relationship (I hate the word rivalry!). They have completely different social circles of course. But the older is uber responsible and looks out for the little one, and the little one wants to copy and imitate the older one.

Personally I love larger age gaps. It has meant I have concentrate on them both as individuals and not just lumped them together as 'the children'. They have had and still have different needs, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

BelindaCarlisle · 20/02/2013 06:00

I think anything over 2.5 years is bad news for fighting

StrawberrytallCAKE · 20/02/2013 06:00

I had a similar experience to you with dd1, anxious all the time and I just generally struggled with life.

It took until dd1 was 3 for me to be interested in ttc at all. We now have dd2 who is 10 wks and there is an almost exact 4 year age gap. For me the age gap is brilliant, dd1 is at pre-school but not constantly so she doesn't feel left out. I can still rest in the day which really helps my state of mind and recovery and because I have a routine with dd1 I don't feel quite as lost as I did 4 years ago.

We did have a few tears at the beginning when dd1 was asking when dd2 is going back, apart from that this age gap suits me and my family really well so far.

MumofWombat · 20/02/2013 06:13

I suspect it's a case of swings and roundabouts....

A good friend has 4 years between her two. She is enjoying the fact the eldest is at Kindy for 3 days a week so she gets that time to focus on the new baby, but she has experienced significant issues. Her DC1 is very angry that he no longer has every bodies sole attention. He is gentle with the baby, but lashes out at Mum, is very unhappy to share toys when other children visit (but tbh, we had seen this before with him - but it's got a lot worse), regressed with eating, using the toilet, sleep etc
We will have 23 months difference - mainly because of my age - you've got nothing on me, I'll be 39 in a few weeks and DC2 will come a few weeks after that. I already feel a bit guilty that DC1 (who is going through a typical toddler me, me, me stage at the moment) is going to share my attention and he's not really going to understand why, and that DC2 isn't going to have the 1 on 1 attention that DC1 had.

You need to do what feels right to you, ignore anyone else.

PPT · 20/02/2013 06:14

My dh is one of 4 boys... All 4 years apart! So it must have worked for my PIL! They all get on pretty well as adults, and the oldest is definitely see as wisest! I think they all had their own friends and social lives, but I think this is no bad thing.

But, also remember that there is no compulsion to have another. My situation sounds similar to you and we've decided just to not- a personal choice, but something to consider!!

DragonMamma · 20/02/2013 06:46

I've got 3.5 years between mine. DD started school shortly after DS was born so that made life easier.

They just sort of rubbed along together until the last 6 months (Ds is coming up to 2) and now they adore each other. He hero worships her and she looks after him. There's the odd disagreement about what to watch on TV but that is about it. I found being able to explain to DD why things had to wait etc, when DS was younger, great in not feeling guilty that I couldn't do it all right away because she understood.

Now he's almist 2, I can't imagine how people look after a toddler and a newborn. I take my hat off to them, it must be tough.

Belini · 20/02/2013 06:52

My personal experience is a 7 year gap, then 15m then 5 years. Ds14 doesn't get on with ds7 but is fab with ds5 & 1year old twins. Ds7 wants to be best pals with ds14, gets on great with ds5 & has no time for twins. Ds5 loves everyone except me at the moment Grin.

lonnika · 20/02/2013 06:55

4 years between my two and its great. DD 10 - DS 6.
They sometimes play together and sometimes fight. As a previous poster has already said I found having second easier as already had a good routine with daughter and she was at nursery xx We talked a lot about the fact there would be a new baby com g and didn't experience any jealousy x

exoticfruits · 20/02/2013 06:58

It is all to do with personality and nothing to do with age- something you can only find out later. I know identical twins who fight like cat and dog!

LisasCat · 20/02/2013 06:58

Our DDs are 4 years apart which was planned. I got to be on maternity leave for DD1's first year of school and really get to know her friends and the other parents. She has loved being mummy's little helper, and has never been jealous of DD2 because they need me in such different ways. She's brilliant at playing with DD2 and when she has friends round they all play mums and dads, involving 18month DD2 in the game. For us it was completely the right thing. I find the early years quite a strain and couldn't have coped with 2 littleys. Also the spaced out maternity leaves put less pressure on my dept.

Hawkmoon269 · 20/02/2013 07:01

4.5 year age gap and its brilliant. I can absolutely see the benefits of a smaller gap, but as I type our eldest dc is in our baby's bedroom keeping him entertained while we snooze. And they're being quiet as mice! They love playing together and there's never been any jealousy.

Do what's right for you.

Original poster
Thelittlevoiceinmyhead · 20/02/2013 07:07

So good to hear s

OP posts:
CelticPromise · 20/02/2013 07:08

I'll have a four year gap when DC2 is born, not through choice mind. It hasn't even occurred to me to worry about it. There is five years between my sisters, and they've been best friends their whole lives.

OddBoots · 20/02/2013 07:09

The only answer is 'sometimes' just like most siblings. I have 3y8m between mine and it works well for us but the amount they like each other varies from minute to minute.

vvviola · 20/02/2013 07:09

There's almost exactly 4 years between my 2. DD1 is 5 & half, DD2 is nearly 18 months. It's obviously early stages yet, but they adore each other. The squeals of delight as they chase each other around the house is lovely.

It is still taking DD1 a bit of time to realise she can't always be centre of attention, but I think that's a personality trait rather than anything necessarily to do with the age gap (she was already showing signs of it before DD2 arrived!)

One advantage of the gap, from DD1/'s perspective at least, is that she has managed to form a very deep relationship with my parents (as sole visiting grandchild - my DB's children live too far away). While DD2 will also have a very good relationship with them, they've had a chance to build them separately. (I had the experience of being v close in age to the favoured grandchild and never getting the chance to build a proper relationship with my grandmother as she was too focused on him and being at similar stages, I suffered)