Gaps of 4+ years between dc? Do they get on?

[Thelittlevoiceinmyhead]

I found my baby difficult and now he is 19 months I am now only starting to enjoy him.

I blame it on hormones as feeling better and mentally balanced coincided with my periods recently coming back. I felt anxious, tense and couldn't let little things go as I would obsess about them which also created marriage problems.

I also had terrible insomnia for a year which only went away when I went back to work.

I didnt talk to anyone about it as I thought they would suggest ADs which I would not want to take, so I just went back to work earlier than planned and struggled on hoping things would improve which fortunately they did.

Looking back now I should have asked for help as I think having people to talk to would have been helpful, but I was very irrational at the time as well.

Anyway I was talking to a friend and she asked if we were planning on having another dc soon. She has just had her second with a 2 year gap. I said that I would wait until DS was at school or at least fulltime nursery school so that it wouldnt effect his life so much as he would be more independent with his own interests and friends. I wouldnt want my stressed out moods to effect him if he was younger and more reliant on me.

She was quite persistent in discouraging me from this as she said research had found 4+ year gaps meant that the children did not play together and caused sibling rivalry issues more. She also said I might become infertile as Ill be older (im 32 now).

Most people I know have small gaps (I cant think of any gaps bigger than 2.5 actually, except for those who only having the one child or in the case of a second marriage/relationship.)

It seems that people like small gaps these days, I can can remember when I was a child myself people had bigger gaps between dc.

Please tell me iabu and if you have any good (or bad) experience with this.

Forgot to mention that my brother and I fought like cat and dog all of our childhood. We drove out mother mad because we just couldn't get along at all. Our relationship didn't improve until I left for university.

I found motherhood incredibly hard and lonely so couldn't countenance the notion of a second child until pfb was three/four-ish. Then I couldn't get pregnant...then I had a mc and then with further treatment had a second baby so there's an almost 7 year age gap. They fight and play with each other - I'm really surprised by the fighting. I think a close age gap seems better but not everybody has that choice. I think the fact that my pfb just has a sibling is great and definitely is beneficial. Also #2 is really good at standing up for himself and they are very affectionate towards each other (in between the killings!). My mother was a twin and they never could bear each other, my cousins are 11 months apart and also can't bear each other (both girls) so there's no guarantee either way - I just know that I felt I would've sunk into deep despair if I'd had to cope with two close in age even though pfb would've loved a sibling earlier. (I was 30 and 37 having my children).

Not my DD and DS1. In fact everyone I know with a 4yr age gap has said it's just the 'wrong' amount of age gap.

Actually, I don't know whether mine would be closer if they were closer in age. I can't imagine how they could be.

They are as thick as thieves and a great team. They are constantly hugging and kissing each other and telling each other how much they love each other. Quite sickening really

There are 3 years between my brother and I. We despised each other growing up and didn't really get on until our mid 20s.

My DC will have a 5 year gap, and I do feel sorry sometimes that they won't have those shared memories of doing the same things together, that I have with my close in age sibling.

But I remind myself that you're a child for a short period of your life and once the children are say, 17 & 22, they will essentially be of the same generation.

And as a woman in my thirties, I have friends ten years younger and ten years older than me!
You are an adult for a lot longer than you are a child, and I hope my DC will be able to support each other as adults and be some kind of friends then even if they may struggle to do so when 16 & 11.

My 2 are 4 years apart, they don't 'play' together really as their interests are very different but they don't squabble much either DS will happily help DD as long as adults don't interfere.

12 years between me and my twin brothers - I detest their very existence and feel sorry for the women they eventually marry (they have never taken care of themselves/chores/etc). Mothers who play favourites have a lot to answer for!

I agree with exotic upthread, it really is more to do with personalities than age difference.

My dm had a 2 year gap, 7 year gap and 14 year gap. Got on best with the 14 year gap and worst with the 2 year gap. I think if you knew their personalities you'd be able to guess who gets on best with who.

I've got a 7 year age gap between mine ( older son , younger daughter ) , and they're just beginning to get along (20 &13) , he never wanted a sibling .i honestly don't think a smaller gap would have made any difference as he was always happy being an only child , we had loads of fun ! It actually may have been worse because I may have expected that they would play together which because of the gap I never did.

Thanks for this thread! I have been beating myself up over age gaps so it is great to see that there are pros and cons to everything.

we have a 4 year gap between our 2 boys and for us it's just right. I couldn't have had another any sooner. And they do play together and really get on very well with little obvoius jealousy. I'd certainly wait in your situation

4 years between me and my sister - we played, squabbled and generally enjoyed being sisters from when she was a tot til I went to high school. We were then a bit less close for a few years but rediscovered our friendship when we were 11 & 16 and stayed that way for a long time - she came to visit me at uni etc and are absolutely great friends now.

FWIW our Pfb is five weeks old and I intend to have the same gap before next child even tho I am knocking on for the ancient (!) age of 34. For all the reasons others have given - cheaper child care, less jealousy etc, plus time for me to recoup and recover from the madness of having a newborn! I'd like to have a little time back in the workplace and get married in between.

Isn't there research that shows that a 2 year gap is actually the absolute worst for sibling rivalry? I thought it was best to have a gap of either less than a year or more than four.

yes and no. It is a love hate thing. They are either cackling and planning and thick as thieves or there is all out war. Mind you, having one as a teen and the other as a hormonal preteen probably isn't helping things. They still like each other most of the time and will do things for each other. They bicker a bunch and it exasperates me, but they laugh and say they enjoy it and find it stimulating.

ARGGH

There are 4 1/2 years between my two, they weren't so close in the beginning but once DS#2 was toddling things got better. It took some work on our part though to find solutions to problems like DS#2 destroying DS#1's work e.g we bought clips for the brio trainset so that it didn't come apart when DS#2 crashed it with his hand or a toy.

There's 6 years between my sister and I, we get on great, always have. There's 15 months between my sister and brother, they never had much of a bond and still don't as adults. I have 3 years between mine, they get on well most of the time although they have there moments. Personally I think it more depends on the children than the age gap, and having 2 is hard work whatever the gap.

then even if they may struggle to do so when 16 & 11.

this is only a few years my girls get on great now even if they gang up on me because im too old to know what they are on about

My sister and I are 4years and a couple of months apart,and always played together and got on fine (allowing for a bit of normal sibling stuff)

DD and DS are 5 and a half years apart,they played together,and still are happy to do things together - DD is 18,DS is 13 (it is playing on the wii together now,when DS can drag DD off her laptop...)
I didn't expect it to work as well as it has,as i thought the age gap combined with the gender difference would be a big deal - I'm glad i was wrong though!

Just a word of warning from me - I could have written your OP. I was 30 when I had my first DC and we'd always planned a 3yr age gap at least, largely because of nursery fees being impossible with 2 closer in age. As it was I had terrible PND, didn't come off medication until DS was nearly 4, so I and then started trying. We couldn't really do it any earlier. That was almost 2 years ago, and 2 x MC. Please don't take for granted that you will be able to conceive your second child easily. Leave it as long as you feel comfortable, but don't leave it too long xxx

On a more happy, positive note, me and my sister have 6 years between us and we get on really well. Admitedly, we didn't really play much as children, but have a great relationship now as adults, which personally I think is much more valuable. I disagree entirely about sibling rivalry and think this is much more likely with siblings closer in age.

My Dsis and I have the 3 year age gap that some parents talk about. We don't get on, and just have extremely different personalities. Even now we are adults get togethers are just civil.

However my DC have a 5 year age gap and get on really quite well. DC1 can get irritated by DC2 and visa versa but it doesn't last long - for example yesterday they sat in the cinema holding hands during the movie.

They are extremely protective of each other and, despite their age differences they play really well together. The older one quite often reads to the younger one at night, and they are often doing daft things. This gap for us was big enough to appreciate each baby without being overwhelmed but also close enough for them to have joint interests and interact with each other.

I have to admit that this has been an ideal age gap for us as a family. It wouldn't be for me to have two DC's close together.

I don't think you can second guess sibling relationships. I have 18 months between mine, and it's been awesome, but DD deffo suffered a lack of attention after DS was born, she loathed DS for a good year, and now quite likes him, but I suspect will go back to loathing him again and vice versa. If we have another, there will be a three-four year age gap, because of childcare costs if nothing else. I'd rather have another short age gap, but we just can't afford it, and I doubt I could cope anyway. I am 33 now, and had my ovaries scanned a couple of months ago (I'm donating eggs). They're just gorgeous apparently, and the doctor said that they were as he expected for my age. 33 is not old.

There are six years between mine. It's not what I'd envisaged but due to various issues (buying a large fixer-upper being one!) that's what we got. It's brilliant. DS had been longing for a sibling and adored DD from the moment she was born. In turn, she idolises him. He was the first person to make her laugh and she said her first word to him. They do squabble (they're now 11 and 5) but also play together -- mostly imaginatively as they're not on the same level when it comes to board games etc.

Hi OP I have three children aged 21, 7 and 1. They so far adore each other (all girls) my first dd was 14 when the second was born. They are inseperable and love each other to bits. Dd2 dotes on the baby and wants to be the best big sister as she has had such a good example from dd1.

I think if you help them foster good relationships whatever the gap this is obviously beneficial but it does also depend on the dc's personalities and a bit of luck as to how well they get on. I have friends and family with all sorts of age gaps including two children who were born very close together they do not get on at all. Same for a friend with a big gap so it's hit and miss really.

I personally (and maybe a little selfishly) felt having children close together was not something I could cope with and I know you can't make them be the best of friends simply by having them close together for playmates or company for each other. All my girls play even now despite their big age differences so it didn't matter or bit for them!

I enjoyed having a baby at home while the others went to school I feel I was able to give them each time on their own with me, and as a mum I probably would have found two or three small children at home all day too much if I am honest. My friends are way better at this than I would ever have been! I still worked in between and the large gap hasn't affected my working life.

The hardest part I would say was when dd1 was studying and having a baby around was quite disruptive but we managed,it would be the same for her if she had been a toddler just in a different way. My suggestion is go with your gut feeling OP. I know for sure I feel more calm as a parent because I waited and chose to have a longer break between the baby bits. I always make the older ones do the daft kiddy stuff with the little ones! My eldest when I told her about the third and final baby said 'brilliant we get to be kids or a bit longer!!!' I was a bit worried as was nearly 40 and not sure what her reaction would be. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I have an almost 11 year old DS, a 8 year old DD1 and 16 month old DD2.
The elder two are very very close and will play and chat and talk together, however they fight like cat and dog and wind each other up something aweful.

However having such a large gap between the eldest and the baby has been fabulous. DD2 worships the ground they walk on and in turn they adore her and will do pretty much anything she wants. It's the lovliest thing to see the baby sat on DD1's lap while they watch tv or reads to her.

then even if they may struggle to do so when 16 & 11.

Mine are 16.5 and 12 and get on fine... most of the time. Tends to be a bit more explosive when they don't than when they were younger, but I think that is having a 16 1/2 yr old more than having a 4.5 year gap.

Nearly 4 years here between DS1 and 2. The age gap works well for us. I could never have had 18 months or something like that between them. 3 years would have been my "ideal" at the time, but I was ill and had to wait.

They have a lot of fun together at 2 and 6. Ds2 wants to do EVERTHING DS1 does, which is hysterical. DS1 can be very helpful with him and has been from the start. Of course there are issues such as trying to get DS1 to do homework with a toddler hanging around, etc.

DS2 was nearly 12 months when DS1 started school - it's been lovely to have that time with him, like I did with DS1. More years of sleepless nights is hard, just when you're getting used to more sleep.

Personally I think any age gap works - they all have their pros and cons and you should ignore your friend and do what is right for you. I have lots of friends who are having a 3rd several years after having 2 very close together, so they have both combinations in their families. And we're considering a 3rd (god help us), who will be at least 3.5 years younger than DS2, more likely closer to 4 years.

We have 3.5 years in between. Our girls are very very close at the moment, long may it last. I really hope it does. But I think it's important to remember that whatever the age gap, you can't predict what a sibling dynamic will be (so says an only child!!) and anywya over their lifetime it may well change.

DH is very close to his sister who is 7 years younger, but growing up was closer to his brother 2 yrs younger.

I think it's ridiculous to try to generalise (not that YOU are being ridiculous but that people who try to look at this issue too scientifically are.)

I mean if you are thinking practically, the good thing about that gap is you have an older child who is more independent when the other is little. The bad part of it for us was that just as DD1 was going to school (her school's entry point is nursery) we were starting - again - that incredibly expensive childcare period (Full time nannies/nurseries etc) which felt really disheartening at the time. The good part though was that I was there for DD on maternity leave when she started her new school...