Gaps of 4+ years between dc? Do they get on?

[Thelittlevoiceinmyhead]

I found my baby difficult and now he is 19 months I am now only starting to enjoy him.

I blame it on hormones as feeling better and mentally balanced coincided with my periods recently coming back. I felt anxious, tense and couldn't let little things go as I would obsess about them which also created marriage problems.

I also had terrible insomnia for a year which only went away when I went back to work.

I didnt talk to anyone about it as I thought they would suggest ADs which I would not want to take, so I just went back to work earlier than planned and struggled on hoping things would improve which fortunately they did.

Looking back now I should have asked for help as I think having people to talk to would have been helpful, but I was very irrational at the time as well.

Anyway I was talking to a friend and she asked if we were planning on having another dc soon. She has just had her second with a 2 year gap. I said that I would wait until DS was at school or at least fulltime nursery school so that it wouldnt effect his life so much as he would be more independent with his own interests and friends. I wouldnt want my stressed out moods to effect him if he was younger and more reliant on me.

She was quite persistent in discouraging me from this as she said research had found 4+ year gaps meant that the children did not play together and caused sibling rivalry issues more. She also said I might become infertile as Ill be older (im 32 now).

Most people I know have small gaps (I cant think of any gaps bigger than 2.5 actually, except for those who only having the one child or in the case of a second marriage/relationship.)

It seems that people like small gaps these days, I can can remember when I was a child myself people had bigger gaps between dc.

Please tell me iabu and if you have any good (or bad) experience with this.

Amongst my friends those with siblings (or dcs) with an 18 month - 2 year age gap really don't get on. My take on it is the elder one finds it hard to cope with the sudden loss of attention and hates the baby (sweeping generalisation, but true in these cases). There are 8 years between my DH and his sister and they are very close.

My DC are 4 and 12 and they still play together. They also fight and get fed up with each other too. Normal really. I couldn't have coped with 2 babies together so I had to do the big gap. Has it's advantages too you know!
Ignore your friend, we don't all have to be the same!

as people are pointing out, there is no right and wrong here. we all have anecdotes for you, but your experience may be completely different. your children are little people - no one can predict exactly how they will get along.

Your reasons for waiting a while are completely sensible. Enjoy this time with your son now. Enjoy feeling your old self again.

At 33, there really is no rush unless there is a family history of early menopause.

Disregard all research on 'ideal' gaps between siblings - all the anecdotes on here surely give you enough ammunition to do that? - and be strong in your own beliefs.

My mum always says if they fight its probably cause you brought them up wrong eg favourtism etc.

Hi my dd is nearly nine and ds is 1, not sure how it will be when they are older but she loves and adores him so much. No jealousy and is so helpful. My dd has always being lovely with younger children so when I had him it was like a dream come true for her! I do worry they won't be close as she becomes a teen and he becomes an annoying younger brother.
If I have another I will still wait until ds is at least 3 but not wait as long next time. I can't believe people ask me already if I will have another now ds is one! He is still a baby to me.

There are 6 minutes between me and my sister. We do not get on at all and I don't remember us playing together much as children as we were so different. I am currently ttc number 2 and even if I get pregnant this month then there will be a nearly 4 year age gap so I'm hoping they will play together. I waited as had a horrible pregnancy and labour and took a long time with feeling comfortable with having another.

I'm not sure if there's such a thing as an ideal gap. Just go with what's right for you OP!

I am not sure that having mixed gender DCs works better unless the eldest is a girl! Also if you have one of each (or more) you may find that a larger gap produces issues when they get to the ages of 7 and 12, as we have, when DS hasn't quite got into doing his own thing yet but doesn't want to do what his sister wants to do....it's a nightmare finding common ground for trips out!

I have four years between my two and they will be 8 and 12 when dc3 is born which I have to admit worries me a bit!

The other two get on well I think considering they are a ds and dd. they spend quite a bit of time together and ds is very protective of his little sister. It was a bit harder when they were younger and he couldn't have lego etc near a baby/toddler however the only issue I can think of now is that we have to make sure DVDs are appropriate for both!

I personally found it lovely to have another child when the next youngest had started school. Mine are 17, 12, 8 and 20 months and I found that because the first/second/third child had started school, it meant I could concentrate a lot of time on he new baby without the older one feeling left out. I didn't every have problems with jealousy and I think that had a lot to do with it. It also meant that the older child had had their time as the 'baby' wi a lot of my attention on them and my attention wasn't shared all the time.

I am expecting another baby in October and obviously DC4 won't be at school then and although it doesn't worry me, I do feel slightly sad that DC4 will have to 'share' me with another sibling while she's nothing much more than a baby herself. However, I am getting older an didn't think I should wait any longer to conceive.

I have nearly 5 years between my two DD and it has been fine. DD1 was nearly 5 when DD2 came along and had also started school 2 months previously. There was very little jealousy and she loved having a little sister to show off. We made a big thing of having a sister and she loved it.

They are 9 and 4 now and most of the time get on well. Arguments are normally over who's turn is it for the telly.

I had my second age 39 and it did take a bit longer to fall pregnant.

Go with what is right for your family, good luck.

There is a six year gap between my daughters, not by design, that's just the way life threw it at us. There is no right or wrong way. It mean that when DD 2 was born the eldest was at school, therefore it was easier to devote the time a new baby needed guilt free and to grab a snooze if I got the chance! Yes, we had to do somethings separately, eg taking eldest to the cinema, but it made them feel special, their own time with mum/dad. Other things where family outings. Eldest was also a big help when they wanted to be! Different
ages different problems! Closeness in age does not guarantee an
idyllic family. Mine are now 26 & 32 and like all siblings still have
their moments ! Do what you feel is right for you and your family. No

matter what you choose there will be some 'friend' telling you their
way is the best and only way!!! The secret is to try and rise above it
(not always easy) and remember there are more important things in
life. Your family, your choice. Take care and enjoy your children
whatever their ages, believe me you will wake up one day and find
two adults in your home and wonder where the years went!!! They
grow because off, and in spite off you!!!!! XX

I have a 4 yr gap between dd and ds.

She was tiny and sickly so her 1st yr was an anxious time and like you I only started to enjoy her post 18 months or so.
I never wanted a very small gap but was aiming for about 3 yrs. two miscarriages and much heartache later we finally conceived ds. You don't always get the age gap you wished for!

However it has worked out really well. It was great to spend 1:1 time with ds whilst dd was at school and great to be on mat leave for her reception year.

There was almost no jealousy at all from her. When he was a baby he was a cool toy and v popular with her school friends. She gets a bit cross now that he's a toddler and messes up her games and he is the one getting jealous of her but they laugh together a lot too. He likes to copy her and she assigns him roles in her make believe games. He has learnt a lot by copying her.

I did feel a bit sad that perhaps they wouldn't feel as close as I do to my sis who is only 18mo younger than me but you actually can't choose the age gap and gender as I've discovered and you certainly can't plan how they will get on. Given that's the case you should do what feels right for you.

Whatever works for you. There are 5 years between my brothers and I (both older - in 5 year increments iyswim) and we did fight as youngsters but also loved each other, they looked after me. Now we are adults there is no issue - we all get on really well. I once (naively) asked my mother why she left it so long between children and she said 'when you have children - you will understand why! I think it was what she felt she could cope with.

There was a 5 year age gap between me and my little sister, and although it would make better financial sense to have a similar gap for my own DCs, it's not something I want for my family. I was very jealous as an almost 5yo when a cute baby came along, and we were never able to play together as children. We are closer now though. Do whatever works for you, I'm sure there are pros and cons about any age gap and you'll make it work whatever happens. Good luck!

10 years between my two, thanks to miscarriages. The youngest was born when I was 42.

No, they're not inseparable, but they do love each other and play together sometimes.

There are 9 years between DS1 and DS2. They absolutely adore each other and play together. DS1 is very patient with his little brother. They very rarely fight; it's hard to fight with a 3 year old when you're 12!

Siblings with any age gap will fight. There are 22 months between my sister and I and we never got on (still don't). There are 10 months between two of my cousins and they also fought all the time.

The thing about leaving a bigger gap, IME, is that you get used to having a more independent child (who you can do many more things with) and then you're thrown back into the sleepless nights and nappies, etc. I can see why people would want that stage over and done with, and never want to return.

There are 8 years between me and one of my brothers, and 10 years between me and the other. Initially I liked it as I enjoyed the cute factor of younger siblings. However, in the holidays, everything was done for my siblings as they were the youngest and I was being selfish if I didn't want to spend every day at farms etc at the age of 15. I think that has more to do with the ex stepmother than the age gap though! Incidentally, my two brothers are close, but I don't have any contact with them.

7 and a half years between mine (14 and 6 now). They are inseparable.

They also rarely fight. They wind each other up at times and 'niggle' each other, but the oldest is old enough to realise that that means they need a break from each other.

Their favourite thing at the moment is me going out and DS looking after DD. They respond really well to each other and without a parent there to play up to, they are really sensible and well behaved.

The thing about leaving a bigger gap, IME, is that you get used to having a more independent child (who you can do many more things with) and then you're thrown back into the sleepless nights and nappies, etc. I can see why people would want that stage over and done with, and never want to return.

That's probably the main downside. I had one start in Year 7 and one start in Reception at the same time. That was a bit of a culture shock!

Yes. I'll have one starting high school (Y9) and the other starting reception next year. It'll be quite a contrast.

It can be hard to find activities that appeal to both kids with a big age gap. Luckily, DS1 loves any excuse to get on the soft play/play park equipment. DS2 is the perfect excuse. DS2's little friends all love DS1 too, because he can think up great games and do all sorts of things they think are amazing. He enjoys the hero worship (but does also need time to himself).

I come from a family of 4 and there is 4 years between each of us, so 16 years between eldest and youngest. We were all close growing up, myself and my youngest brother in particular. Now we are all adults with families of our own, we still get on great and give each other good support. At the end of the day, families work because of the time and energy put into the relationships not because there is a perfect age gap between siblings! Smile and tell your friend to mind her own beeswax ;)

We've got 7 years between the two DD. I vowed never again after an horrendous 1st birth but she begged for a sibling and it literally took the one time we were less careful for DD2 to be conceived so obviously was meant to be.
Anyhow maybe it's personalities. DD1 is a youthful homebody DD2 is a studious adventurer, but they have always got on and still 'play' together nicely. Even when the gap was 4 and 11 theyd hang out especially outdoors and on holiday. I can't honestly think of a time when they haven't been very close and enjoyed each others company. Of course they've had arguments over broken toys, borrowing clothes peeking in on snogging the boyfriend etc. they're 16 and 22 now. My brothers boys on the other hand are 18 months apart, and have competed for their parents attention since the day number 2 arrived. But they are pretty similar personalities so that could be it.
I liked having one baby at a time. We were able to see one through gcse a level and off to Uni before other started secondary school and we now have one in work and pretty much left the nest while other will leave for uni in a couple of years. One lot of hormones at a time and one lot of Uni fees too!

My sister and I have six years between us. We got on well as children and played together, not arguing but that's partly because we tended to be doing different things, well enough now - but the gap means she was only 12 when I went to university for example, so with hindsight I think we missed out a lot of growing together time as we were doing very different things. I love her but she's not my best friend. I think probably being two girls was lucky since I'm not sure we'd have had very much in common without that.

My two children are boy/girl and 18 months apart. So far they get on exceptionally well and are bereft without the other to play with. Yes they do argue occasionally but it's flash in the pan stuff and is over pretty quickly.

we have a 4yr 10 month gap it works fine and they are 19 and 15 now they get on great and giggle about 'stuff' I dont think there is a perfect gap but I knew i couldnt and didnt want to have a toddler and a newborn, and no gap can ensure children get on, they will scrap and niggle whatever age they are, mine were terrible when dd1 was 12 till 15 she hated her sister

My DC are four years and three months apart. They are now 8 and 4 and I'm sitting on the sofa mumsnetting in peace because they are playing something together upstairs. It isn't always this marvellous, they do squabble a lot too but they genuinely love each other and look out for each other too. Someone pushed DS off a piece of playground equipment the other day and DD was right there with "how dare you do that to my baby brother" before picking him up and giving him a cuddle. Ten minutes later she pushed him off the same piece of equipment

Best bits have been DD starting school when DS was a newborn so I only had one for most of the day. Childcare has been cheaper and its been much better for my mental and physical health, especially as DS was a high needs baby. Hardest bits have been balancing their competing needs which are four years apart- the gap has only started to narrow last year.

Close gaps are not guaranteed to forge close sibling relationships either -my brother is two years younger and we see each other three or four times a year. I love him and we get on well when we see each other, it just doesn't occur to us to organise that.