Gaps of 4+ years between dc? Do they get on?

[Thelittlevoiceinmyhead]

I found my baby difficult and now he is 19 months I am now only starting to enjoy him.

I blame it on hormones as feeling better and mentally balanced coincided with my periods recently coming back. I felt anxious, tense and couldn't let little things go as I would obsess about them which also created marriage problems.

I also had terrible insomnia for a year which only went away when I went back to work.

I didnt talk to anyone about it as I thought they would suggest ADs which I would not want to take, so I just went back to work earlier than planned and struggled on hoping things would improve which fortunately they did.

Looking back now I should have asked for help as I think having people to talk to would have been helpful, but I was very irrational at the time as well.

Anyway I was talking to a friend and she asked if we were planning on having another dc soon. She has just had her second with a 2 year gap. I said that I would wait until DS was at school or at least fulltime nursery school so that it wouldnt effect his life so much as he would be more independent with his own interests and friends. I wouldnt want my stressed out moods to effect him if he was younger and more reliant on me.

She was quite persistent in discouraging me from this as she said research had found 4+ year gaps meant that the children did not play together and caused sibling rivalry issues more. She also said I might become infertile as Ill be older (im 32 now).

Most people I know have small gaps (I cant think of any gaps bigger than 2.5 actually, except for those who only having the one child or in the case of a second marriage/relationship.)

It seems that people like small gaps these days, I can can remember when I was a child myself people had bigger gaps between dc.

Please tell me iabu and if you have any good (or bad) experience with this.

8 years between my two (10 & 2)

I like the gap ds1 was at school and somewhat independent when i had the baby so not clinging onto me and compeating fir attention. He plays well with ds2 95% of the time, there are squabbles buy thats the same with all siblings

People are weird about this. I'd guess she wants you to do similar to her as that validates her own choices. I think some people have second or third children because it's expected rather than actually being wanted! If you want another in a few years, have one. If you don't, don't. Your child will not suffer either way.

So good to hear some good stories about a larger gap. I do think it would be good to wait at least a year to ttc, then ds would be at least 3.5. I personally wouldn't want to risk earlier than that I think.

Whoever said about larger gap meaning the baby is a baby for longer struck a cord with me, only now I'm enjoying ds. I feel I wasted my maternity leave and there is an option at work now to go down to 2 days which I'm considering as he is a great age to spend time with I'm finding.

I didn't think a larger gap would be a problem so my friend surprised me and I thought maybe a smaller gap was now popular given more research into it. Most people around here are having gaps usually ranging 16 months to 2 years it seems.

Well my dsis has a 4 year age gap, her kids fought like cat and dog and have just started to get along better since the youngest started secondary school. I have a 21 month age gap and a 6 year age gap, the older two fight like cat and dog, the younger I can't comment on because she is only 3 weeks old. I will say that newborn and toddler = bloody hard work, and newborn and 2 school age kids is blissful in comparison.
The only advantage I can see to a close age gap right now is that the older kids have similar interests and are amused by the same sort of thing, so no arguments over tv and days out are fairly easy to organise.

We have 2 gaps of c.4.5 years - DSS is 18, DS1 13 and DS2 8.

For us it has worked really well. DS1 was old enough to understand and 'help' when DS2 was born. DS1 and 2 play together well and if one of them has a friend over for tea they will all go and play football or rugby.

DS2 was born just before DS1 started school so both had time with me one on one when they were babies. They have both needed me in different ways and for different things at different times and as DS1 enters the teenage years, I am really glad he will be over the worst of it before DS2 starts!

My sister has a 17 month gap between her 2 and they fight and do not play togther. I don't think what is right for some is right for everyone.

I'm actually trying to persuade DH that we should try for another baby but that will be a different age gap problem all together .

2.5 years used to be the recommended gap.

It depends upon the children.

Mine fought like cat and dog. It was horrendous. Its only in the lst 6 months that they can be in the same room together. My gaps are 12 months then 4yrs. The little one gets the rough end of it, he's just so isolated.

5.5 years. They totally adore one another. They don't play much as they have different interests DS is into outdoorsy or techy stuff and DD is all fairies and crafty.

And finding a film they both like is difficult but if its just the two of them eg on hols they are good companions.

Obv they do squabble but not much as they dont need to compete with one another.

Mine are 21months apart & are very close now again as teens & I can´t see that changing tbh.

They were close when little & then drifted apart for a while.

But even then if I was annoyed with one, they would turn to the other.

My sister is four an a half years older than me & we were never close until adults.

Even now she tries to organise me & tell me what to do.

She takes her older sister role way too seriously

I'm planning a three year gap, ttc now. I couldn't have coped with any less than that, you plan for what you think is best for you. The children will love eachother regardless.

I have 5 years between my two boys (3 and 8) because of reasons similiar to yours OP.

DS1 wasn't too interested when DS2 was a baby but once he could talk he's been brilliant with him. They do argue on occasion but DS1 is old enough to know not to fight with DS2. I'm glad it was that way in the end because I felt able to enjoy time with them both when they were little.

Oh and I should add, my older brother and I have a five year gap, and were extremely close growing up. He was my best friend from the time I could talk until now!

OH and his brother had a 4 year age gap, and he loved it, and his mother keeps going on about the benefits. (His brother might have other ideas lol) I also had a difficult newborn, and a tricky time afterwards so a large ish age gap made sense to me as well. DS is 4.5 and we are only starting to consider another child now he's at full time school. He has grown up to be a much easier child. He adores and entertains his baby cousin, and mostly gets on with his pre-schooler cousin but they are always arguing.

I have a nosey work colleague who is always asking when I'm having a baby. When I told her about wanting a large age gap, she agreed. She had 2 years between her first two, and 4 between her 2nd and 3rd, and she said she enjoyed her 3rd child much better than the 2nd when they were tiny.

At the end of the day it's what's right for you and your family. Horses for courses, and all that. I think your friend is being rude, or worried that she's done it wrong, and you are doing it right. There is a thread elsewhere on mumsnet about people getting the hump because you've made different choices to them, and I think it applies here.

I think it´s-obviously-personality.

The smaller age gap has maybe made my two closer growing up that my sister & I were.

Afterall, my sister was at school all day & already had her own friends by the time I came along.

But if we had a closer gap & she was as bossy as she is, then we probably would still have been as distant as we were.

Here's the grown up perspective! There's four years between me an my sis. We used to love playing with each other etc and although we would of course fight now we're in our thirties I can honestly say she's my best friend and I could stand life without her. I have so many, mostly happy, memories of growing up together and I don't think anyone will ever know me like she does. Oh we still have the occasional niggle...both work too much and can get crabby on the phone etc....but I know it never means anything. If I needed her she'd be here like a shout and it works both ways. Don't be put off!

My PFB was very placid also-so made the newborn & toddler stage easy.

He wanted to help, wasn´t jealous-wanted to be with fme-but was happy to sit next to me with a toy/book whilst I bfed, for example.

Plus-very big one-they very often napped at the same time, so I could too!

Well, I read the opposite to your friend: that there's less rivalry with a larger gap.

My own two have exactly 4 years between them and get on well. They like different things which can make entertaining them together harder but then they have different personalities so maybe if they were closer in age they would still like different things.

Like you, I found the first one really hard but the 4 year gap worked really well for me and I found the second really easy. The other nice thing was I got to go to all the baby groups again as the elder one was at playgroup and have met friends for my second which a lot of mums of smaller gaps can't do.

Do what's right for you. There are never any guarantees in life. Big gaps sometimes work, small gaps sometimes work. Most of it is down to personalities and how you react to them.

I have a 4 year 9 month gap and it was great, ds was at school so I could sleep in the day with ds2.

They get on now but also argue but most brothers argue, he is also old enough to help ds2 with some things.

We'll have a 3 year 7 month gap between the youngest this time so a bit less but am sure it'll be fine.

My girls are 15 yrs and 20 yrs old so 5 year age gap. The eldest adored the youngest when she was a tot but the gap widened as they grew older. For a number of years they barely interacted as they had nothing in common (think a 10 year old and a 15 year old!). It is only now that they are starting to find common ground again. Don't let it put you off though. Do what is right for you.

For goodness sake. Children are people, not mathmetical equations
Whether they get along or not depends on their personality and how you bring them up. I can't believe some of the idiotic comments on here, such as an age gap of more that 2.5 years will mean fighting
Do what suots you OP.

Your friend sounds very rude.

I have nearly 4 years between ds and dd and they love each other to bits. I had time with her after he started school and he had the excitement of school to stop him feeling usurped when she arrived.

One thing i can say is that there was absolutely no fighting whatsoever between my two. Almost the opposite actually. They just ignored each other (actually the eldest ignored the youngest).

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Every family is different and you must do what is right for yours. There are 4.5 years between DS and DD. There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, DS's birth was traumatic and he was a very difficult baby/toddled and didn't sleep properly until he was 3. I wasn't ready for another anytime while that was going in. Secondly, I work and earn the major wage in the household and we couldn't afford full time childcare for 2 so we waited to TTC and Dd was born whilst DS was in reception.

Yes they fight much like any siblings and I suspect when DS becomes a teenager she may well morph into the annoying little sister. However as it stands at 10 and 5 they are remarkably close. DD idolises Ds and DS is rather laid back chappie and is quite prepared to play games like schools with her as long as he can play Minecraft afterwards. They enjoy some of the same activities ie both will sit an do crafty stuff together, they like going to the park and play in the garden together. They have a lovely relationship.

I also felt like I had time with both of them individually to enjoy those lovely baby days and can give time to them both as they have different needs.

It was also a massive help that by the time dD came along, DS could toilet himself, dress himself etc and old enough to understand that just because we had a new baby it didn't mean we loved him any less.

4 years 9 months here. Ds was born August dd started school september. It has worked really well for us as both children got undivided attention during the day and got to play together after school.

The only real squabbles now (11&6) are over tv channels but both play together and tell the other one they love each other.

DSS1 is 14, DSS2 is 6 1/2, DD is 9mo. DSSs also have another half DSis (3) on their mother's side.

DSS1 & 2 fight like cat & dog about 10% of the time. About 50% of the rest of the time, DSS1 will keep himself away from his little bro by playing on his xbox or going out with his mates.

Since DD's arrival, DSS1 will try to avoid being around for nappy changes but will happily carry her for a cuddle, cheer her up (not hard as she beams everytime she see him) and help with the occasional feed. DSS2 is not allowed to carry DD (he's a big bugger, but not strong enough for a wriggling baby), so has appointed himself "court jester" and will do silly noises/songs/dances to cheer up DD if she's upset.

Re. Their other DSis, they don't tend to mention her much, but DSS2 resents having to share a room with her (she used to disturb his sleep a lot which meant he was really tired & irritable the day after he was collected, which included 1 school day).

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My cousins have an 11 yr age gap (I was in the middle at 8 yrs younger & 3 yrs older). DCuz1 spent a lot of time with our DGPs after his DBro was born - he's the only 1 of the 3 of us who had a relationship with them. I think they only played together a lot when I was around (mainly fighting - DCuz2 & me Vs DCuz1 - 2 against one was almost evenly balanced with the age difference ), otherwise DCuz1 was out with his mates or girlfriends, then moved out at 18 to live with the psychotic bitch girl he later married and is now trying to get divorced from.

DCuz1 & 2 have a reasonable relationship, but when I talk to them there's usually a word of caution regarding talking to the other (usually regarding their feckless "D"F, but that's a whole other story).

I have 4 and a half years between my 2 children so its the same as my brother and I.Its the best gap foe me as I want to recreate what me and my brother have.

We are in our 20s now and do everything together.We have the same friendship group,go all same places,see each other every day etc.Everyone always comments and says they wish they were as close to their sibling as what us two are.It comes from doing everything together growing up.