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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what reasons people give for being willing to accept an organ but not donate

593 replies

crashdoll · 13/02/2013 20:20

What the title says really.

I am happy for all my organs to be donated when I'm gone. I'd also accept an organ transplant if I was in that position. I know there are religious reaons for not donating certain organs but I do wonder how people can rationalise not donating organs if they are willing to accept.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 14/02/2013 14:22

I'm trying to figure out why I find this attitude of accepting a transplant but not being willing to donate so abhorrent.

Thinking it through, the definition of selfishness is "placing your own needs above those of others".

But if you've been put in the position where your organs can be donated, by definition there's no hope of life for you - so in fact, it's placing the pointless waste of your organs through burial or cremation above the needs of others to live.

That's even worse than being selfish, since you don't even have the need for those organs to keep you alive.

Thinking this through, I'm leaning towards registering for living kidney and liver transplant now as well as that's the logical extension of this line of reasoning. I'd have to talk to DH about that though as it would affect him.

PessaryPam · 14/02/2013 14:23

Total fucking hypocrisy OP? Who knows, there are party givers and party attenders in the population, proud to be in the former category.

FairyJen · 14/02/2013 14:29

Just because you are selfish in one aspect of your life does not mean you are selfish in all your decisions. Just wanted to point that out

RiaOverTheRainbow · 14/02/2013 14:30

Just checked the donor website:

"43. What will happen if my relatives object?
We know that in most cases families will agree to donation if they knew that was their loved one's wish. If the family, or those closest to the person who has died, object to the donation when the person who has died has given their explicit permission, either by telling relatives, close friends or clinical staff, or by carrying a donor card or registering their wishes on the NHS Organ Donor Register, healthcare professionals will discuss the matter sensitively with them. They will be encouraged to accept the dead person's wishes and it will be made clear that they do not have the legal right to veto or overrule those wishes. There may, nevertheless, be cases where it would be inappropriate for donation to go ahead."

So usually the family can't opt you out. I guess the exceptions are people without the capacity to give informed consent?

ReindeerBollocks · 14/02/2013 14:31

I can't believe some posters are being told they are brave for voicing a selfish opinion. That's a liberal use of the word.

Personally I prefer to use that word about children and adults who battle horrendous medical treatments whilst on the list.

Unfortunately opinions are like arseholes and everyone has one.

It won't stop me thinking that those would refuse to give organs but would accept them are selfish hypocrites.

FairyJen · 14/02/2013 14:33

Yes possibly ria she would not have been able to give consent in her later life so maybe that's when she signed up?? Anyhow the consent was given for her to donate.

clucky80 · 14/02/2013 14:34

Hi Reindeer (thread hijack!) - we met on one of these threads before :) I hope your DH and DS are doing ok at the moment x

FairyJen · 14/02/2013 14:36

So would you rather I fed you a load of bull reindeer? About how my entire family are signed up to be stripped of everything etc? Cause I actually think that would make me a bigger hypocrite

Sallystyle · 14/02/2013 14:38

I never understand people being unwilling to donate organs. You are dead, it's not like you are going to miss them. Why would anyone let them rot when they could save a life?

If it wasn't for donors my first three children from my first marriage would have lost their father. Every day we thank our lucky stars for the gift of donation.

BabyRoger · 14/02/2013 14:39

It actually really upsets me - the thought that I or one of my beloved family might die and I make the decision to offer up their organs for transplant - for their organ to then go to someone with the attitude of Fairy

It almost puts me off doing it.

Sashapineapple · 14/02/2013 14:39

I think it should be an opt out system. Family should never be able to override the wishes of the donor. Both me & DH are on the register and we have also made it clear to our families.

FairyJen · 14/02/2013 14:40

Well your lucky you have the choice of donating or not then arnt you baby Smile

BabyRoger · 14/02/2013 14:42

Of course, anyone who can donate has the choice.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/02/2013 14:43

Hi Clucky, how are you doing? DH and DS are doing well at the moment (makes a nice change).

Fairy - no I wouldn't want you to lie in order to appease people. However taking an organ but refusing to donate is a selfish hypocritical thing to do. I don't think you are brave for your opinion - I just think you have a nasty 'looking out for No 1' attitude. You may be saying what others are thinking but my opinion of anyone who holds this opinion would be equally low.

Btw if anyone wanted info on live donation feel free to PM me as having been through the process it isnt an easy decision to make.

weegiemum · 14/02/2013 14:44

fairyjen I'm not arguing with you, but I'm wondering, given that you say there's no religious element to your though, why you would have such a need to have your dh or dc "whole" when you buried them.

Maybe I'm being obtuse - I really am trying to understand - but I find your reasoning hard to follow. Would being buried without a kidney (which still worked but was sadly no longer needed) mean that you felt they werent 'properly' buried? Do you understand that other people could take comfort in the fact that life could go on for someone else through your tragic loss?

I'm not trying to be inflammatory (I'm medically barred from donating) but I would like to better understand your view?

OverlyYappy · 14/02/2013 14:45

The OP asked for answers, Fairy is giving an honest answer, I do not know her well but she is not selfish, you cannot make that assumption based on one thing she feels strongly about.

Many people do not donate, I doubt very much Fairyjen is the only person, perhaps she is the only person with the balls to say so though

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/02/2013 14:49

Thats not really in the spirit of giving, is it baby

I thought the whole point of this was you were pleased to donate to anyone and be happy about it?

I couldnt care less who gets mine, as long as they need them, isnt it pretty awful to say you wouldnt want to give your organs to someone because they disagree with your values.

FairyJen · 14/02/2013 14:50

Bless you yaps

When I say whole I mean I would hate them to be cut open have everything removed, stuffed with god knows what and then buried. Entirely dependant on cause of death- but I would like them to be intact and un violated

CommanderShepard · 14/02/2013 14:50

I'm on the register for the lot and am considering donating myself to medical science when I die.

DH isn't registered for the same reasons as milbracat's DH but has asked me to consent to donation if the case ever arises.

Andro · 14/02/2013 14:50

Samu2 - sometimes it can be a simple as a bad impression being given! Ds holds the opinion he does because of what he witnessed when close family were potential donors, he describes the people involved in the consent and harvest preparation as acting like scavengers in a feeding frenzy (he saw and heard a lot more than he ought to have given how young he was). He thought that there was no respect shown and he doesn't want that for himself.

No amount of explanation has impacted his views at the moment, but he is still very young.

clucky80 · 14/02/2013 14:51

Hi Reindeer, I am really well thanks and I am really glad to hear that your DH and DS are doing ok. I had quite a lot of illness last year and had suspected lymphoma but thank god it wasn't that and all fine now. It is my 6 year anniversary since my transplant in a few weeks' time, it isn't something I really 'celebrate' as I am very aware that for my donors mum it is another year passed without her son but I am very pleased to be getting closer to the 10 year milestone x

Binkybix · 14/02/2013 14:53

"I am willing to donate my organs, my DH is not. He does give blood on a regular basis and is quite open about the fact that he has no intention of donating his organs but if he needed a transplant he would accept it.

Nothing I can do about that. It doesnt make him a horrible, selfish person IMO."

I just don't agree with this. Smacks of a horrible, selfish person to me. In this respect at least.

weegiemum · 14/02/2013 14:54

fairyjen I see what you say (though I'm not sure anyone is "stuffed".

I see you wouldn't like it. I'm wondering WHY you wouldn't like it, given that they have no use for their organs any more? Do you put a value for that person on a kidney, a heart, a liver, a cornea?

I'm trying to understand, but I'm not understanding WHY you object?

Xiaoxiong · 14/02/2013 14:56

BabyRoger I agree. At least if you're a Jehovah's Witness or something you wouldn't donate or accept which is a coherent position. The idea that you would accept but wouldn't donate is logically inconsistent and worse than selfish because by that point the donor doesn't need those organs.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/02/2013 14:59

binky well all I can say is well done on being able to judge my DH as selfish so well based on a few words.
The fact I have known him for 16 years is clearly irelevant then isn't it.

Like I said, he is not a horrible selfish person

You may have you opinion on the decision he made regarding organ donation. Just as he would defend his right to make that decision.

You cannot actually,in all honesty, judge his entire character based on that.

It is a decision. You may feel very strongly about it, and I happen to agree that organ donation is vital. But that doesn't take away the fact that it is a choice. And just because someone chooses not to donate, it doesn't make them a horrible person.

Not just based on that one decision.

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