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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get really uncomfortable around a friend when she smacks her children...

235 replies

Toowittoowoo · 11/02/2013 16:23

....and other harsh (in my view) disciplining?

I know it is none of my business how somebody else disciplines their DCs but they are all under 3 and they are so lovely. I also don't always understand why they are smacked - seems like trivial things to me. I just can't see my friend in the same way as I used to if she is capable of treating her children like that.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 11/02/2013 23:01

Oh and another friend of mine used to take her son into a corner to smack him because she was "using the rod to spare the child"!!! I told her if she was not ashamed of hiting her son then she wouldn;t be sneaking off into a corner to do it!!!

Buzzardbird · 11/02/2013 23:03

Just googled "does the nspcc condone smacking?" It definitely doesn't condone any smacking calm or otherwise.

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 23:04

Nope I am
Actually laughing because grown people can't accept that people will have a difference in opinion to them!?? That's why! I am not going to be knocked down as a parent because I smacked my child?!! You cannot simply say people shouldn't come to me for parenting advice because i smack my daughter. In fact I have never said to anyone smack you child it works, I have said it works for me! That is all! And Infact I have done a lot of things that make me proud only parenting! Not smacking (before you run at me with pitchforks) but other things! You
Cannot judge parenting on one thing!

SmileGrinWinkShockHmmConfused
^^^^^
You pick which one you wana look at!

LineRunner · 11/02/2013 23:06

kick Your post is coming across as slightly bonkers.

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 23:08

Ano, I am a bit bonkers :/

SoldAtAuction · 11/02/2013 23:11

Kick, do you think you could parent without hitting? Would your child still be well behaved?

MadameDefarge · 11/02/2013 23:11

if you are not prepared to be explicit in the frequency and methods used then you mustb be prepared for others to assume the worst in their own minds. if you choose not to elaborate then your contribution has no value.

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 23:14

If we were talking about whether you feed purees or carrot sticks, that would be a matter of opinion.

This is more than that. Violence towards little children (which it is, you are hitting her) is not a matter of personal style, it's a matter of child welfare and is therefore not something where we all shrug and say "each to his own". If someone posted saying they didn't think putting babies in a car without a seat or belt was that dangerous, I wouldn't say "your child your choice hun", I'd say it was bloody stupid.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 11/02/2013 23:15

I was smacked a lot as a child, and swore I would never smack, but I have in the past.
I think that we learn a lot of things from our parents and in the moment can sort of revert to the way they would have done things.
I have only done it a handful of times, at the end of my tether, and always felt like a total failure for letting my frustration get the better of me.
If you smack, you lose, because it is a totally illogical and counter productive thing to do, not to mention very scary for a child.
I was very stressed for a while, lonely, depressed, grieving. Lots going on, and the last time I was scared by how out of control I could feel and so I got help.
Haven't smacked since, never will.
None of us are perfect, but as adults it is up to us to sort ourselves out if we can't find a way to discipline properly.
OP, I would tell your friend in no uncertain terms how you feel.

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 23:18

I'm quite capable of parenting without smacking, I have done for several months ( as I've already said) I don't think she would have been as good though! Im being made out tonne some heartless bitch that beats her child! When in fact I'm doing wat a lot of people are doing and i (did) give her a smack to her hand or bum ( which has a nappy on!) and it did
The trick, she IS well behaved and she HASNT been naughty enough for anything more than a stern "no" in months! I really am an awful parent arnt I!

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 23:20

I don't think you are beating her. I've read what you've said about what you do. I don't need to embroider it to make it sound despicable, because it already is. There is no excuse for a grown adult to hit a 2yo child.

LineRunner · 11/02/2013 23:21

Hitting a two year old. Bloody hell.

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 23:21

Yeah you would and I would
Completely agree with you, but the law states that a smack that doesn't leave a mark and is used in appropriate manners is within the law! I know someone who smacks her kid across the head! I think it's awful, but then I think that's her choice her children

SoldAtAuction · 11/02/2013 23:22

Kick, I think, judging by your responses, that you are a confused parent.
You say that you are quite capable of parenting without hitting, but then go on to say that the reason she is being good "it did the trick" is that she has been hit.

SoldAtAuction · 11/02/2013 23:23

Are you ok with others hitting her, if she was at school, or at a relatives?

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 23:23

You know what I give up! I am the worlds worst parent arnt I! My daughter is so much better without me! You all win! Bye bye

Buzzardbird · 11/02/2013 23:27

Probably wasn't a good idea to state things that people could look up and find to be untrue?

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 23:28

I don't think you are the worst parent in the world, not by a long way. You clearly love your daughter and care about her a lot. I agree you are confused though. And I think you could have parented your dd perfectly well without hitting her, so I don't understand why you did it or why you are defending it now.

QuickLookBusy · 11/02/2013 23:28

No one is saying that Kick. You just need to stop hitting and you will be a better parent.

You obviously care that your dc are well behaved, polite etc but millions of parents achieve this without ever smacking and so can you....if you want to.

MadameDefarge · 11/02/2013 23:32

kickass. its a frequent mistake of first time parents to attribute developments in their children to their parenting. no you are not the worst parent. but possibly not the most aware of child development.

lucamom · 11/02/2013 23:38

I was smacked as a child-grew up in the 70's and 80's with loving parents I adore still-honestly believe they are the kindest people in the world. It was also during this time that it was acceptable for my mom to smoke when pregnant, for dad to smoke around us all as babies & children and for him to regularly drink and drive home.

Research and progress educate us that things that were once acceptable are no longer safe, healthy or indeed the right thing to do. I now emulate the positive things my parents did in bringing us up and leave the hitting as a relic of the past, and can say without (much) bias that my children (5,4 & 1) are generally very well behaved and strongly disciplined (through tone, looks, removal from dangerous situation, withdrawal of tv/toys etc). Probably stuff I still do wrong but I can look each one in the eye as they grow up and know that not only did I protect them and teach them right from wrong, I was never the cause of their hurt.

And as for the fuckwit's teaching "if someone hits you, hit back"-seriously, take some classes and learn how to teach your children to coexist without resorting to your own sloppy methods of resolving a problem. Might not sound cool or impressive to you but surely we teach our kids to tell someone in authority rather than resort to the lowest methods? The cycle of violence will continue from you to your child until you grow a pair and take responsibility for your child's moral welfare...

defineme · 11/02/2013 23:42

I think some of the pompous posts on here are doing more harm than good for the anti smacking cause.

Fwiw my Dad was atheist, educated to the highest level and his prose was perfect. For those of you that are suggesting smacking goes hand in hand with poor grammar-shame on you. Crap parenting crosses all social strata.

He gave my dbr and I the odd smack out of pure frustration. It didn't hurt, leave a mark or make me cry. I couldn't care less that he did. He had some failings as a Dad, but I wouldn't put that down as one of them-he got cross and didn't do effective discipline-who cares? Dbro and I used to laugh about his face when he got cross-he really was crap at controlling us-my bloody mother used to talk and talk at us-far more effective in shutting us up!

I care very deeply that some of you were beaten severely as kids, buts it's ridiculous to suggest that any and all smacks are on a par with that.

I had 3 under 3 and didn't smack the younger 2. When the oldest was 3 (un dx asd at this point) he was eating his own crap and laughing and I did smack him-it was a mixture of frustration, sheer stress at dealing with that and baby twins, and wanting to shock him out of the disgusting thing he was doing. It didn't work. I'm not proud, but I'm not ashamed either-just one of many mistakes- I don't think I needed reporting to ss.

I'm having a strange thing at the moment-my anti natal group peers and I all have 10 year old boys and 3 of them -all vehemently anti smackers(1 of whom was beaten too the point of hospital treatment as a child) have confessed to smacking their boys for the first (and hopefully last) time in the last year. They're mortified they lost control of themselves in the face of pre teen defiance and their boys' reactions were very vocal along the lines of 'how dare you hit me, I'll call the police'! I think it's very cocky to be the mother of a toddler and judging other parents-you have no idea of the road ahead.

The mother in question is out of control-I've seen support on here for others in this situation( years ago the 'red mist' thread was an amazing thing). Perhaps that's what needs to be offered.

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 23:46

I've offered support and hand-holding on "red mist" type threads where OP has lost her temper and is upset. There was one a couple of weeks ago iirc. This thread is completely different and a different response is appropriate. It's not pompous to insist in the face of a barrage of protestations and anecdotes that it is WRONG to hit people who are smaller than you, particularly when that person is your own baby/toddler.

Oh, and my kids certainly aren't toddlers any more

MadameDefarge · 11/02/2013 23:54

my ds is 12 now. have i used hitting to discipline him? no. but i am very aware his personality has meant i have not been pushed up against my own failings. children drive us to the limits and beyond of our abilities. fail. fail again better. but dont blinking rejoice in the supposed results of our failures. 2 year olds do see us as giants.

QuickLookBusy · 11/02/2013 23:55

My kids are 22 and 19.