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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

342 replies

foxyfi111 · 11/02/2013 14:33

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/02/2013 09:30

Good lord, men are not objects to be moulded into what you want

Find someone who is already on the same page as you, there is plenty of time

I am very concerned for you

Bearbehind · 12/02/2013 09:33

You could be right nebulous, doesn't exactly sound conducive to suddenly deciding to settle down and have children though does it?

Bluegrass · 12/02/2013 09:43

I thought the MN Party line was that:
SAHM's make a huge contribution to the family that has a tangible value;
money earned by their partners is not "his" but belongs to the family;and
They are most definitely not lazy arses being funded by their husbands.

Reading this thread I now seem to have learnt that:
Being a SAHP doesn't count for anything if the kids are teens;
Claiming to be a SAHP to teens is lazy and you should go out to work;
it is not sufficient to also contribute equity from your house and a regular (if reduced) income from a pension to the family pot, you are still sponging off your partner's money;
The fact that you are doing this after already having spent probably 3 decades in full time employment also counts for nothing as you are clearly lazy.

What an odd and inconsistent place MN can be sometimes!

PureQuintessence · 12/02/2013 09:53

"for a man who doesnt deal well with change"

You are playing a very silly and foolish game here, with peoples lives.

I would not be surprised if you come back here in a couple of years time because your older husband left because he could not cope with young babies, endless sleepless nights and crying, let alone living with a woman! And this was not what he had wanted at all, having been converted from a 40 year old bachelor with good retirement plans.

Please come back, there will always be heaps of support!

PureQuintessence · 12/02/2013 09:56

Bluegrass (and others bringing up the Ghost of Past Threads), have you not understood that MN is not a script churned out by robots, but by people who think and have experience, and that all the posters here are different, and the life situations are different?

Have you not understood that the problems with this OP goes far beyond just retirement, but how he sees the relationship?

You cannot try and do a gender reversal on every single bloody thread.

dreamingbohemian · 12/02/2013 09:57

OP, I so wish I knew you in real life, so I could take you out for a drink and give you a metaphorical shake

Please listen to us old birds. You are wasting your time with this man.

I was you at 29, more or less. Older partner, he had issues, but I was determined to make it work, I had all kinds of strategies and tactics. I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass, because years later now I know that a good relationship doesn't need all that work. You'll know it's the right guy when you don't have to train him, domesticate him, get him to improve, stay up at night worrying about the future, etc.

Why on earth are you putting so much work into this guy, when you live in freaking London and there are young single guys everywhere??? I know, you love him, but love is not enough.

You think you are training him but really, he has been training you -- getting you to have such low expectations of relationships that you are happy to stay with someone who is offering you so little.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you deserve so much better in life, and if you don't realise it soon you might lose the chance to get everything you really want.

LtEveDallas · 12/02/2013 10:00

YY Bluegrass, but you forgot to add that anyone who retires early, in their 40s or 50s is a loser, has no life, is no catch, can't afford it and is sitting on the sofa doing fuck all except rubbing their hands in glee and living off their spouse.

Which is really rather rude.

Bearbehind · 12/02/2013 10:13

bluegrass there isn't a one size fits all script for every situation.

The OP's partner doesn't seem to be planning to be a SAHD to teens because he doesn't seem to be planning to be a Dad at all. He is planning to retire at 55- end of. I'm not sure the OP is even on the same planet as him, let alone the same page.

Even if that wasn't the case, surely it is an unusual aspiration for both parents to work right through the early years with young children, then to become a SAHD to more independent teenagers.

dallas Retiring in your mid 50's is also fine if you and your partner both agree on how it will work and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Bluegrass · 12/02/2013 10:18

PureQuint - it is not a script, but there are certainly some truths which are held to be self evident and if anyone dares to question them it results in a full on bunfight (like questioning the worth of a SAHM). Then you read a thread like this which is full of posters denigrating the contribution that would be made by this guy once he steps out of full time work outside the home, and barely an eyebrow is raised.

Can you not smell burning rubber from such an abrupt u-turn? I think the OP was right in an earlier post, she has quite traditional ideas that include a man's only real worth being in his ability to contribute financially by working outside the home. Take that away and she is stumped. I think a lot of the replies are from people who think the same way. No wonder change is so slow.

Bearbehind · 12/02/2013 10:21

dreaming, that is so true about him training her to have such low expectations of the relationship she'll settle for any scraps he offers.

It's very telling that the post the OP said was the most help was one which justified her boyfriends plan to retire as being his 'plan at the moment' but surely she should be able to see that if she is talking marriage and babies and surely after 2 years together his plans would have changed to reflect that if marriage and children were part of his future.

Wake up and smell the coffee and move on.

Bluegrass · 12/02/2013 10:22

Bear - only unusual because the age gap is larger than most relationships. He will hit potential retirement age much earlier. His partner says she wants to keep working. In that situation becoming a SAHD who is also contributing a pension in addition to running the household and possibly picking up other bits of work sounds quite feasible (possibly even very sensible).

AmberSocks · 12/02/2013 10:24

bluegrass i agree with you.

There is a huge advantage to a child to having a parent at home even when they are in secondry school.there will still be meals to prepare,clothes to wash,a house to be run,plus school holidays.

Dromedary · 12/02/2013 10:25

He doesn't want to be married.
He doesn't want children.
He wants to be a bachelor with his current lifestyle (centred totally around himself with an an easygoing girlfriend he can see occasionally), and retiring early.
Why not let him get on with his life plan and stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole?

bigTillyMint · 12/02/2013 10:27

Dromedary, that is exactly what I thought

OHforDUCKScake · 12/02/2013 10:32

This is very Sex in the City, Carrie-Big scenario.

I have to ask, if he was with a woman for 7 years who he didnt live with, and when you ask him he says he doesnt want to be pushed, do you not think the 7 year long girlfried had the exact same conversation with him before she gave up?

Please stop wasting your time. If he was 30 then maybe, but 40 years old? With someone 7 years and still couldnt commit?
You're hugely wasting your time.

They say love is blind.

OHforDUCKScake · 12/02/2013 10:35

You only see each other twice a week?! It gets worse!

Bearbehind · 12/02/2013 10:37

bluegrass have you read all of this thread- there's about as much chance of this guy becoming a SAHD as there is of him growing up. This isn't about the pros and cons of retiring or being SAHP, it's about one person who is looking way, way, way too far ahead of herself and worrying about a situation that will never arise.

LtEveDallas · 12/02/2013 10:43

OP wants to change her boyfriend. Why do so many women do that? Instead of finding someone right for them, they find Mr Wrong and go about trying to turn him into Mr Right.

There is nothing wrong with this bloke or his own wants and desires - he's just not following the OPs script.

Slagging him off and denegrating his choices because they aren't what the OP wants is out of order. Why aren't people doing the same to OP? Why is what she wants Right and what he wants Wrong?

PureQuintessence · 12/02/2013 10:50

There is nothing wrong with the ops traditional values, and not much wrong with his, they are just not on the same page.

But this is not a question of the value of sahms, and sahds.

In this situation we have a 40 year old man who says "yes yes, there might be kids. But I have some equity, and I am going to use that to fund my retirement when I am 55, and yes I can be there with the kids.

They are dating and see each other twice a week.

He does not say "Yes, I want to commit to you, build a family with you and I will stay home with the kids and my 80k equity will be a good help for us".

If we were to do a role reversal it would the equivalent of her, not saying she wants to be a sahm, but that she will retire from full time work aged 55 regardless of what has happened meanwhile, so in fact she wont be a sahm when the kids are babies, and young, but when they are older. What about maternity leave?

In this situation op will be required to go through pregnancy and maternity leave, them both work full time pay through their noses around £600+ per month nursery fees (in London) and when the kids are leaving primary, he retires.

This is a man who thinks about NOW and 15 years ahead when he retires. And the reason he does this, is because he does not want to be a family man, the thought has not entered his mind.

TheNebulousBoojum · 12/02/2013 10:51

I agree with you, LtEve.
She see's him as a fixer-upper, a project. That rarely ends well.

Bearbehind · 12/02/2013 10:53

dallas I completely agree about his choices not being wrong. A few posts did slag off his choices at the start of the thread, based on the very slanted OP, as she didnt originally mention that they didn't even live together and made it sound like having children was a done deal and that he had ruled that even n this situation he was going to retire in 15 years.

As she has added more information it is clear they both want different things and it is her that is in the wrong by trying to change him.

Pandemoniaa · 12/02/2013 10:58

I don't see a problem with the bloke planning to retire from teaching at 55 if he's built up the required number of years for his pension. It sounds like quite sensible planning, tbh. Admittedly, I have quite a few friends who are teachers and they have no intention of retiring from the job in order to take up being a geriatric. Instead, they'll carry on working but in a less pressurised role and when it suits them.

I do have a problem with this man's general attitude to commitment and the OP's naive assumption that she can "tame a bachelor". It's not going to happen on the basis of what we've been told up to now but in any case, you can't change people. So I fear that she could become another long term "partner" that he keeps stringing along for years to come.

FeistyLass · 12/02/2013 11:10

bluegrass I haven't ever read a thread on MN that said one partner should decide to be a SAHP without consulting their partner, discussing how finances should work and deciding how childcare will be managed. I don't see the inconsistency.The OP's partner is presenting a fait accompli that makes her unhappy. However, as everyone has pointed out there are much bigger issues at play.

dreamingbohemian · 12/02/2013 11:20

OP (if you are still reading) may I ask about your last relationship, the one you were in for six years, just before your current partner?

I'm just wondering if you had a similar situation, did you live with him? Was he not keen on commitment either? Or was he too keen?

It sounds like your boyfriend was initially a bit of a rebound and IME that sets up some unfortunate dynamics sometimes.

LtEveDallas · 12/02/2013 11:32

Thank you Bear and Nebulous

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