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Original poster

Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

342 replies

foxyfi111 · 11/02/2013 14:33

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
foxyfi111 · 14/02/2013 10:07

He does respect me most of the time. His closest friends are extremely rich (millionaires) who live a very different life from us, they are his uni friends that have done well. I feel very small and normal compared to them. If I make a serious point about something he will respect my view. He often mocks my flat share which is cheap and messy and not a proper home (I used to have my own flat with my ex so it's hard to go back to living like a student) and he wants me to move out and get a studio. I don't want to spend money on living by myself as I'd rather save and live with him but I think he feels I'm pushing him into living with me because of that. He does sometimes make thoughtless comments about his exes or other girls he fancies and iv had to tell him how it upset me, I think he realises that that was wrong as he wrote me a card to apologise (I didn't talk to him for 2 days the last time he did that, sounds a bit extreme but I was just fed up if it). If I tell him how I feel about the relationship he will take me seriously. He did tell me that he doesn't like being dictated to, and that when that had happened in the past "he has walked". I don't know how he would respond to the moving in together in 2 months thing. If he thought he would lose me otherwise he probably would, but that possibly not the best reason to do it

OP posts:
kalidanger · 14/02/2013 10:09

He's AWFUL!! What the fuck are you doing?! :o

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 14/02/2013 10:09

Foxy, you are still seeing this as an "ultimatum" type thing. It isn't. It's saying, "this is what I want from my life, how about you? Are our plans compatible?"

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 14/02/2013 10:10

Foxy, you are still seeing this as an "ultimatum" type thing. It isn't. It's saying, "this is what I want from my life, how about you? Are our plans compatible?"

expatinscotland · 14/02/2013 10:12

You know, foxy, I find this thread really sad. And what is sad about it is that this guy is what you think you deserve. He has issues, he's not very respectful and he doesn't want to live with you or anyone else - believe me, it's HIM not you.

If you spent half the time working on yourself and your self-esteem that you spend on these relationships with emotionally unavailable people, I have a feeling you'd be a lot happier.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2013 10:14

'he wants me to move out and get a studio. I don't want to spend money on living by myself as I'd rather save and live with him but I think he feels I'm pushing him into living with me because of that.'

Fuck what he wants! He's not your boss. How about spending that kind of money because it makes you happy.

He doesn't want to live with you, foxy. He doesn't want to live with anyone because he is very immature, self-centred and selfish.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 14/02/2013 10:17

He doesn't get a say in where you live and he certainly shouldn't be mocking you and upsetting you.

I have never had my own place just for me - would far rather flat share and get more for my money than have a studio.

Original poster
foxyfi111 · 14/02/2013 10:19

Ok Doctrine. I will ask that tonight. I shall let u all know what happens. Maybe I do have some self esteem issues. And maybe some commitment issues as it was so hard breaking up with my ex. But I didn't deliberately pick someone who was going to be unavailable to me, when I first met him he was very keen, just not to see me all the time, I think he was conscious of not being too "needy" as one if his friends is with their gfs and the girl always leaves

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/02/2013 10:22

Maybe? foxy, this guy is a bit of a dick. He doesn't love you. Love is respect. And you're hanging onto him like a barnacle. Why? Because somehow or another, you think this is how it should be, this is what you deserve. WTF? You're only 29, you have too long a time ahead of you to tether yourself to someone like this. There's a reason he's 40, never been married, never lived with anyone and why everyone here tells you it's a red flag.

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2013 10:23

You really shouldn't have to tell a forty-year-old man that you don't appreciate him talking about 'other girls he fancies'.

You say he will listen if you talk to him seriously but you shouldn't have to have a serious conversation just to get some respect for your viewpoint. Respect should be built into the very fabric of your relationship.

I just think you could do so much better my dear.

DontmindifIdo · 14/02/2013 10:27

You know what, you're 29. You don't have years to waste on a man who's not committed to you if you want DCs. He's not 21 himself, he's 40 - he should have worked out what he wants from life about now, but to be fair, it sounds like he has - if he was looking for long term commitment, family etc he'd be trying to move towards you living together and be talking about family etc.

Original poster
foxyfi111 · 14/02/2013 10:27

I haven't said it yet but thank you everyone for bring so blunt with me. I have discussed this with friends but they can't provide an objective view especially those that have met him. There's things that friends can't say to you

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 14/02/2013 10:27

Good luck tonight, I hope you get what you need so you can make a good choice.

kalidanger · 14/02/2013 10:28

He's working at a sixth form level, foxy. He's all pumped up with what his mates think and do, doesn't understand the differences between mortgages/net worth, will not commit to you as he thinks he's too fabulous to have a partner, it's all about girlfriends only, sneers at you living within your means as, again, he's not as clever as he thinks he is re: money. At a basic level he's incredibly immature and not right for you. You're not compatible because you're quite bright. Thought you're not acting like it.

Chalk this one up to experience and WAKE UP and move on, girl Thanks

Bearbehind · 14/02/2013 10:29

Really *foxy, you really take all that shit from him?

He actively wants you to get a studio rather than moving in with him? That's at least a 6 months stay of execution for him on the moving in front, every time you renew the tenancy.

His best friends are self made millionaires yet he sulks about hating his job and does fuck all about it? Becoming a self made millionaire isn't about luck, it's about hard work, commitment and ambition, things he appears to be sadly lacking in.

He talks about other women he fancies? I do hope that he is talking about celebrities etc rather than actual women you know. (not sure how much notice he would have taken of you not talking to you for 2 days if you only see him 2 a week though)

He has threatened that 'he will walk' if you dictate to him? I'm guessing he will see anything that the doesn't actively chose (which is actually everything) as being dictated to.

TBH I don't really think you need to have the 'big talk' I think deep down you know you have your answers, you just need to decide what to do about it.

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2013 10:30

x-post

Good luck talking to him, I know it won't be an easy conversation but I think it will be very revealing.

It sounds like you have been in relationships more or less constantly for most of your 20s, is that right? It might be a good idea to take some time off, just have fun, spend some time with yourself, get a little bit grounded. You need some time where you are not always reacting to other people or measuring your own needs against other people's. Basically if you have some time to be kind of selfish and do whatever you want, you're more likely to end up with someone who you're more compatible with.

Oh and just to stress what Doctrine said, do not in any way think of this conversation as being an ultimatum. Don't go along with any idea he might have that you're dictating to him -- you are allowed to have your own wants and needs and to have a sense of where things are going.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2013 10:30

Well, have read some but not the whole thread, so I'm sure this has been done but my first thought was that you need to sit down together and do some serious life and financial planning. The main thing his retirement would take from you both is flexibility. Once it's happened, you are the full time breadwinner. What if you lose your job? What if you want to work PT or be a SAHM while your children are small, or him a SAHD, or one of your children has special needs and requires more time and provision than you'd expected, all reducing your income, so you're not as far along as you'd hoped with your mortgage, pensions and savings, so 55 becomes unrealistic?

£80k is not a lot of money. It's a nice house deposit but as a sum to live off it's peanuts - and then it's gone. As a deposit, along with the equity on his flat, you could get a low enough mortgage that one of you could pay it - always a good contingency plan anyway. Is that part of his thinking, he provides capital, you revenue?

You really need to think first about what you both really want in your lives, then work through some scenarios about how that could be funded. Do not allow your life-decisions to be dictated by existing assumptions about your finances (like a fixed view on retirement age). It may well emerge that there's a choice to be made between children / flexible working during their early years / a family lifestyle you consider adequate / early retirement. If your values and what is important to you in life are the same, you'll be able to plan to achieve the life you want, if they're not, no amount of fiancial compromise is going to make you happy.

Btw, does 'doesn't like being dictated to' mean 'doesn't like being disagreed with'? I'm afraid I've only ever heard that line from rather self-involved, inflexible blokes who cannot accept that their view of the world is not the only view and who choose to personalise the disjunction between 'world in their head' and 'practical reality' by blaming someone else for the world not being constructed in their interests. Sorry.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2013 10:34

What a waste of time he is. Seriously, most women wouldn't give this loser the time of day.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2013 10:36

lottie, read the thread. The guy's a dick.

kalidanger · 14/02/2013 10:37

Btw, does 'doesn't like being dictated to' mean 'doesn't like being disagreed with'?

I think it means his mates josh him about being 'under the thumb'. He's not partner material. He's an idiot. He's 40!

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2013 10:37

p.s. you're 29 (lucky woman!), you have a lot of opportunity, flexibility and excitement ahead of you. I didn't meet DP until I was 33, lots of people I know got together in their 30s. Early 30s are brilliant, in my view, because, as someone else once put it 'you're still pretty but you know what you want and feel comfortable with yourself'. I was much happier and more confident about myself then than in my 20s. It's a great time of life to be making the choices you want, with whom you choose and a great deal of freedom to do so.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh · 14/02/2013 10:47

Aside from everything else, I?d be worried about the ?doesn?t like being dictated to? bit. Let?s say you manage to get him to live with you and to have a child. Will you have to scrape and grovel to ask for his help to avoid him claiming you are ?dictating? to him? Because I bet you?d end up doing the lion?s share of all care with him congratulating himself on being a modern man because he changes a nappy a fortnight.

Crinkle77 · 14/02/2013 10:51

You won't be the breadwinner as surely he will have his pension?

SparkyDudess · 14/02/2013 10:52

Wow - agree with the concensus that you and him are just not on the same page.

My DH is 11 years older than me - I didn't have to coerce him into living with me, or 'tame' him, or 'train' him. I think you need to consider that, at 40, he is unlikely to change in any fundamental way.

My DH also always swore he'd retire at 55 - he's rethought that as we'll be paying for university fees until he's 60, and there's buckley's chance of me working and him not while we have that sort of outgoing.

Good luck with that conversation.

PureQuintessence · 14/02/2013 11:27

The more you tell us about him, the more he sounds like an utter twat.

Even a man half his age knows not to mention fanciable women to their girlfriends. Unless they ^deliberately wants to knock their self esteem".

He mocks your home. Despite knowing you have just recently moved on from your ex. He does not want to move in with you. He wants you to move into a studio flat. Why is this? So he can have you to himself. Away from your flat mates. Privacy. Yes, there is that. But you will not have anybody to talk to other than him. And you will be lonely on the 5 days of the week you dont see him. How is it better for you to move into a studio flat? You spend more money, is more available to him, you grow more dependent on him. But it wont allow him to commit to you or become dependent on you.

Shit. Run!

You know, Valentines is a bit of a Cliche. Restaurants lined up with tables for couples, with white cloths and red roses, pushing pink champagne and white chocolate hearts filled with glaze cherries or whatever. Maybe tonight is the night for a serious conversation about your values and what you want from your future. Who cares it is Valentines? Valentines is for true love and romance. NOt bullshit.