Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

it's not harsh on Loopy, it's harsh on her apathetic and lazy partner

Wow, you can tell Loopy 's partner is apathetic and lazy by that one post?

In the context of this thread, I would describe his behaviour as so, yes

For what it's worth he is far from lazy. He does a 2 hour commute to work and back again then is happy to cook or do a few jobs around the house if I've had a bad day with the children, or do a food shop for us. He is a very loving partner and a brilliant father. He just had no relationship experience when we met and so didn't want to rush things at first beyond a pace he was comfortable with. Given I was his first girlfriend I respected him for his honesty over his feelings and after a nudge (not constant nagging as some seem to have interpreted) he moved in with me after 18 months, I owned, he rented, so made sense. I had been married, and I had had 2 other significant relationships in my life, and I had lived with one of these as well. All experiences he hadn't had.

This will not end well.

Just for fucks sake don't bring kids into this mess.

You may enjoy the drama, but I can guarantee they won't.

Bloody hell.

Loopy, how long will it take you to persuade him to marry you ?

It's what you want

he's a lovely, lovely man, right ?

I am sure that is the case...so why are you wistfully wanting something you haven't got, and he could easily provide ?

Thank you loopy, I'm glad it's not just me. I hadn't really planned having to defend my relationship so much when I first wrote this post! Just wanted general advice on the early retirement thing really! Yes he's great in bed thanks, he tells me he loves me and wants a future with me. There are some people who say don't wait until its 100% right to move in, wait for him to be ready, and some who say if he's not ready immediately then move on. We can't move in together even if we wanted to as I am in a flatshare, he is in a small one bed. My parents are happily married thanks. Im not sure what my dad thinks of him, i think he doesnt like his lack of ambition but i dont think he has thought any of my bfs were good enough really. It took 4 years to live with the last guy as I was doing a phd in one city and he lived in a different city, then we both moved to london together, it wasn't just a decision about moving in together. I hear what u are saying but I don't want to give up over some issues if we can work on them, I think a lot of people look for perfection and never find it. Lucky you the people who are 100% happy with their relationships, I did feel the same way about my last one until we lived together and it was obvious it was not going to work. I think I have become a bit cynical now.

What must happen for him to "be ready"?

I am afraid I am in the "if he does not know that you are the right one two years down the line it is because you arent" camp.

Lucky you the people who are 100% happy with their relationships I don't think many of us think our relationships are perfect (if that is what you meant), but I think the people who have posted here haven't had to drag their partner into making a commitment.

And I don't think Loopy's situation is the same as yours. She told her DP that she wasn't happy with the way the relationship was going and rather than lose her, he moved to be with her. Would your boyfriend do the same?

And as for becoming a bit cynical now, that's a bit sad. If you're feeling like that, doesn't that tell you that he's not right for you? You shouldn't feel cynical about love and relationships when you think you're with the man you're planning to spend the rest of your life with. I don't know why you're trying to change a man who isn't desperate to be with you, when you could find somebody who would consider himself lucky that you wanted to be with him.

I've been in dead end relationships (one of them was for 4 years - what a waste of my early twenties) and it's only since I've had boyfriends who actually considered themselves lucky to have me in their lives, and actively wanted commitment, that I wonder why I stuck with them.

If you were cynical you wouldn't be trying to change anyone.

You don't have to defend your relationship, people are responding to what you have written, we have no background, no idea of personalities.

But set out in black and white, what you have written looks like a slow motion train wreck.

You can't change people, you can't tame them, you can't train them, it just doesn't work. DH hasn't changed much over the last 20 years, sure the outside has changed and we are older and wiser, but the fundamentals of who we are are the same.

Find a grown up to marry and have kids with.

Think about the words you are using to describe your relationship to people who have no investment in either of you.

"We can't move in together even if we wanted to as I am in a flatshare, he is in a small one bed."

"I hear what u are saying but I don't want to give up over some issues if we can work on them"

You work on issues when you have a marriage, children, shared property, a shared life to hold you together.

You don' stay and work on problems with a casual boyfriend you date a couple if times a week.

And even if you have every reason to stay together, a lack of respect is not something that can be fixed. It is a fatal flaw.

There can be no love without respect.

But sure, waste the best years of your life with a man who doesn't love you (talk is cheap) and has no plans for his life other than retirement (unimaginably unsexy).

Jesus fucking wept.

Go on then OP, wreck your life. Don't listen to any of the collective wisdom here, will you?

Happy Valentines - doing anything nice? Has he planned something lovely?

As I said above OP, I think you are just as commitment phobic as he is. There is no other explanation for your behaviour.

Most women seem to have some sort of self preservation.

The thing is OP, you say you are cynical, but that implies a certain measure of honesty, and I don't think you are really being brutally honest with yourself.

You say you can't move in together even if you wanted to because of your flat arrangements -- sorry but that's bollocks. If he came to you tomorrow and said please move in with me, I'm sure these would cease to be problems. Plenty of couples share studios, even bedrooms in a flatshare.

You are not living together because right now he doesn't even want to see you more than twice a week. After two years! This is why people are asking you to wake up. Loopy's situation is not the same at all.

Excuse the pop psychology but: from my own experience, and some friends, I think sometimes these kinds of relationships are about staying in control. It's no accident they tend to come after brusing and unforeseen heartbreaks. They may not be particularly good there are 'issues', maybe a lack of respect, etc. but these are things you are working on, therefore it gives you a sense of being somewhat in control. Things aren't all good but you know what the problems are and you're doing something about them, which seems better after being through a relationship where you thought everything was great and then the bottom dropped out from under you.

I know you must think we're all bitches but really it's just that we're older, we've been there and bought the t shirt, we just don't want to see you waste years of your life.

As alibaba asked. Is he spending a romantic valentines night with you, or with his girlfriend?

Jeez foxy, one person posts about a similar siutation to yours and that is the only post you take any notice of.

Did you really gain hope from loopys post? In your situation I wouldn't have. I thought it was sad that after all her 'nudging' the relationship still wasn't where she wanted it to be and she's clearly not happy about it.

She pushed for them to move in together, then she pushed for them to have children and as soon as she purposefully stopped pushing and waited for her partner to do something ie propose.....nothing happened.

You started this thread because you were worried that you might resent your boyfriend in 15 years if he retires- don't you think you might resent him long before that if you are the only one making any effort to move your relationship along?

Don't you see that the fact you feel you have to defend your relationship is a warning sign in itself? People are only commenting based on what you have written about it (with the exception of the bizarre Daddy love post!).

TBH I am having trouble calling it a 'relationship' or calling him your 'partner' as after 2 years, you still only see him 2 nights a week ffs.

I don't know anyone who would say they are 100% happy with their relationship but people weigh up all the factors and take it from there. Based on the things you have said about your situation, it is a recipe for disaster.

Your £600k house and chlidren with him is nothing but a pipe dream. Aside from the fact that on your salaries it is a financial impossibility, it will never become a reality because HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU.

This crap about being ready in a year is nothing more than stalling tactics to keep you where he wants you. He is selling his flat which, if he wanted to live with you, would be the perfect opportunty to chose to get a place together, even if its only rented initially, when it's sold.

He's not doing that though is he? He's going to buy somewhere else ON HIS OWN, just like he will retire at 55 because HE WANTS TO. He is making big decisions about his life without you being involved because deep down he knows you wont be around and you are so busy with your head in your fantasy relationship cloud, you can't see it.

Nope, still not hearing any real justification for the problems that you're posting about. You can't move into his because its a small one-bed flat? It's London - most couples live that way when they first move in together. Are you SURE it's just him that is the commitment-phobe? Because you seem to think that's a genuine reason for not already moving in, whereas in my opinion you're either deluded or deep down you KNOW he's not the one and you just don't want to face facts. Are you maybe putting off moving in because your last relationship failed when you moved in? Well, that's precisely why moving in together is a good idea - it's a chance to iron out teething troubles like difference of opinion on who does what in the house, or if he has bad habit that you just can't live with. Moving in sorts out the wheat from the chaff - a relationship that fails after living together was always going to fail, it just happens sooner than if those irreconcilable differences don't show up when you're living apart because they don't have a chance to appear. Unless you decide to have children together but live separately then you simply have to do it, and get a move on. Stop wasting time!

I'm another one who has trouble seeing this as anything more than casual after 2 years of dating a couple of nights a week. I'm finding it hard to see you as equal life-long partners from what you are describing.

I agree with everything that's been posted on here. I think you should simply call his bluff and tell him that you want to move in with him within, say, 2 months and if that means moving into his "small one-bed" for a while then that's the way it has to be. Any reluctance to let you have wardrobe space or let you put your books on his shelf will be a MASSIVE red flag and if he doesn't compromise then for god's sake, it is too late and he'll never change for you or possible anyone else.

I take it you've been on holiday together? A fortnight? How did you get along then? Was it one big compromise or did you had a great time? Most couples have their first holiday together and if they aren't already livin together then that's the point when they decide that they ARE compatible and it's time to move in.

Ok some of that has hit home. I can't really be angry at him if he doesn't want to be with me. This is not going to be a nice conversation and probably not one for valentines day. He is taking me out for a surprise tonight

We have been on holiday but not more than a week, we got on fine. We have 2 weeks away booked in the summer

foxy, I'm not trying to be horrible, or reading more into a siutation than you have told us, it just seems like you deserve so much better. I wish my friend had seen sense 5 years ago before she wasted her early 30's on someone who is never going to change.

I hope things work out for you.

I'm really sorry OP, it can't be fun to read.

It's true that you can't make people love you or want to be with you, and you can't be angry if they don't.

I think what we're saying though is that you can control how you respond to that. If someone is not giving you enough respect, enough time, is not sure how he feels even after a couple years, then you have every right to decide that actually that's not good enough.

Hope you are OK, foxy.

Remember - it's your relationship too. You have the right to ask questions, talk about what you want, find out what his real priorities are and make decisions on that basis.

My DP told me when we were about 27 and renting a place together that if I didn't want kids someday (I was undecided) then he wouldn't want to make any further commitment eg buying a place together. That wasn't manipulative, pushy or anything. It was simply honest and I was glad he was so clear.

You've been with your DP long enough to not be coy - it's not like you are bringing up marriage on the second date. If your life plans aren't compatible, it's ok to find out now and go from there.

By the way, what makes you say he doesn't have respect for you?

Also we are closer to 18 months than 2 years. Not that it makes any difference really