Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

Just plugged my brain back in- stamp duty on a £600k house would be £24k not £18k

sounds like you are not after the same things at all.

early retirement is prob not an option-unless he plans to put in sufficient years to get a decent pay out on a final salary scheme, leave and still work in some capacity.
by way of comparison; me and dp been together 20 years, are 45. we have £200k in equity, aim to pay off mortgage in 4 years. earn similar to you. i have about 20 years worth of final salary pension to date- now no longer in scheme. have £75k in savings(from inheritance). we have 3 dds- 18, 15 and 5. we cannot see how we could possibly retire before about 63. and this includes us saving substantially during our 50s. we wont get any state pension until 66.
we are both on same page- all our spare cash goes on the mortgage.
you dont need to commit to the detail, but you both need the same kind of life plan- ages are a red herring.

But in my last relationship it took 4 years to move in together, and again that was me having to persuade him. For most of my friends they have had to be the persuader about this, I dont think its uncommon. Men like freedom...

If you have to spend 4 years persuading someone to live with you it suggests that actually, far from being committed to the idea, they eventually lost the will to disagree. And no, it isn't common to have to persuade men to live with you. If you are in the right relationship, the decision is mutual.

Agree with Pandemoniaa. It is not common at all. It is a sign that the relationship is doomed!

Exactly what Flowery said at 13:16 today. If he is still making his mind up after 2 fecking years about whether he wants to move in together then he simply DOESN'T want to. That's all there is too it. Please listen to us older, wiser ones in long-term, committed, loving relationships. We are not "smug" as you put it, don't get us mixed up with those people you know who blether on about hearts and flowers and just "know" their bf is the one and rush in and get married within 2 years.

I am talking about those of us on here who "knew" very quickly that they wanted to spend the rest of their life together but who then made sensible, cautious, realistic plans to commit in a gradual (but not long and drawn-out) way. I knew within a month that my bf was The One and vice versa. A year later he asked me to marry him. 6 months after that we moved in together and 2 years after that we got married. First child 3 years later. 16 years after we first got together we are still married, had our ups and downs like all couples but we are still happy. Not one of your "smug" examples who get divorced 5 yrs later then!

My dh had a girlfriend who wanted to move in together. But he didn't want to even though she kept trying to peruade him. After they split up he met me and after we'd got engaged then all talk of moving in together was natural, in fact it was his idea. Because he WANTED to. He says that looking back with hindsight he knew that what he had with his previous girlfriend wasn't real love which explained not wanting to move in with her but he just didn't know it at the time.

There are huge warning signs in the things you are posting. Huge. You are young enough to get out and find real love with someone for whom it doesn't take 2 years to decide you'll do enough for him to let you move in. Like others have said, your relationship just seems like such hard work. Real loving relationships with mr Right are effortless. I really wish you could see that. There is just such an element of coldness on both sides with how you are approaching everything. Very sad.

Just a question. I know you're getting the full hardcore mn o

......mn opinion thrown at you, but what do your friends and family think of it all?

Agree with everything CurlyhairedAssassin has said.

DP and I did not get together until we were both in our 40s and divorced with children. We weren't smug or hearts and flowery but we knew, within a few weeks, that we wanted our relationship to be permanent. We didn't live together for nearly 3 years though but not because either of us needed persuading that living together was what we wanted to do. It was just that the circumstances that pertained right then made it sensible, for all sorts of valid reasons, to wait. Had either of us spent that time attempting to capture the other one then the relationship would have been doomed.

Please consider the very sensible things people have said on this thread. Men are not projects nor wild animals that need to be pinned down against their will. Also, anyone who offers up vague timescales like "perhaps in a year's time" is almost certainly avoiding the issue in the hopes that it will go away.

4 years? Blimey when DH and I met we moved in almost straightaway. Had our first house together after 5 months.

Op, despite all the great advice on here you still seem to be blind to the realities of your relationship. Why are you trying so hard to cling on to a man who clearly doesn't love you? Are you perhaps the daughter of divorced parents with a father who was never there for you? This really sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship pattern with no good rolemodels to compare yourself to.

If you do have a loving father who is in the picture, what does he as a man say about you relationship? My dad has four daughters and it's amazing how spot on his instincts have been about his childrens partners.

Foxy, some really wise advice on here. I know from posts of my own that it's common for any thread about mismatched perceptions of moving forward in a relationship to end up with the OP being advised to stop kidding herself and move on. It can get frustrating because it's hard to convey the detail of the relationship in a forum, and then the well-meaning advisers get frustrated because you aren't agreeing with their advice and leaving the bastard!

But I have to say that reading your posts I do worry that it is not going to turn out for you like you hope.You are furnishing the family home in your head, after 2 years he hasn't really got to the point of wanting to see you more than twice a week.... I'll get flamed for this, but get yourself a copy of "He's just not that into you" and see if anything strikes a chord. I have been in a similar position to you, did notice the warning signs, he eventually came clean that he didn't see a long term future for us. It was hard, but when I met my now DP I was amazed just how easy and natural a relationship that is "right"can feel.

I also think there are massive alarm bells re your respective careers. He supposedly hates his job so his solution is....plan to retire at 55. He's only 40 for Christ's sake, nobody's forcing him to stay in the job, he should be thinking of ways to make it better or find a new one or even a new career. He sounds wet and lazy. Which is perfectly acceptable for a single man to be. But do you really want someone with a defeatist attitude like that as your husband and father of your children?

You, on the other hand, love your job, which is great to hear. So as time goes by, he gets more and more miserable in his but thinks you can't empathise and starts to get jealous of your work-happiness, or you just get fed up with his whining because you know yourself that having a job you like is not impossible. And you stop feeling you can talk about work because it will make him uncomfortable. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy home, does it?

You're only 29. If he's good in bed (men about that age who have been about a bit often are ), enjoy that for a bit longer but recognise that you can't turn this into something it's not and plan to be back on the market by the time you hit 30.

Sorry to repeat myself but your posts scream "Dad, please love me!". My best guess if that that's where your issues stem from. I

That should read, when I talked about being in a similar position, "did NOT notice the warning signs"- I am trying to empathise, not come across as smug!

We decided to get married after dating twelve days. Lived together for three years, married 23 years this year. Just sayin

I very much doubt if this bloke is much cop in the sack. Far too self centred, flat, unambitious and introspective. Just my opinion, of course.

I don't know AF, I've had some pretty hot sex with unambitious men in the past. Never had any intention of marrying them though

takes all sorts, Ali

my experience is rather different...

the worst shag I ever had was with a bloke like this

once was all it took

"ambitious" is not necessarily go-getting career stuff

somebody with such a low zest for life probably doesn't have much spark in the sack

IMO

Well the OP must see SOMETHING in him. I really wish we could see what by the details she has given us. "Charming" and "sweet" wouldn't make up for the dithering about moving in together, the pie-in-the-sky retirement plans, the lack of joint discussion, the having to be reminded that the odd present or night out is what usually happens in relationships, the lack of wanting to see the OP more than 2 nights a week. Blimey, when its all written down like that, Foxyfi, it is SCREAMING out at you that this relationship isn't like everyone else's, don't you think? There is something so wrong here.

OP I'm not sure you and your boyfriend are reading the same book never mind on the same page.

You're looking into the future with someone who appears not to look much further forward than next Tuesday. Your idea of a £600k house is not remotely feasible on your current income. I don't even have kids and I know they are expensive.

Has he ever actually said he loves you and wants to build a life with you?

Surely at this stage if you we 'the one' you'd be desperate to spend as much free time together as possible?

Your boyfriend's plans aren't wrong, but I would say he's stringing you along / placating you when you've made it very clear you want more. He seems fond enough of you to make vague promises so you stick around, but that's a world away from a full scale commitment. Sorry if that sounds harsh - it's just the way I read it.

Whilst I am not going to judge a man I don't know I wanted to offer my experience. I had a whirlwind romance, the whole meeting someone at 20, knowing he was the one, no doubts, moved in within a couple of months, engaged within a year and married within another 7 months. We ended up divorced. When I was 30 I met a bloke, 29, he was renting with others, about 80 miles from me, never had a girlfriend (yes, no experience at all....) so never lived with one either etc. Not a penny to his name, although was holding down a fairly ok job with salary similar to OP. He didn't see himself leaving the very large city he was living in, didn't see himself having children till his 40's if at all, get the picture? Well after 18 months and a bit of persuasion he moved 80 miles from that city, to live with me in my house. Prior to this i had suggested we split up if he didnt want the same sort of future as me as i wasnt willing to waste time in a relationship that had no future, having done that in my marriage and in a subsequent 2 year relationship. i knew i wanted children and if he didnt feeel the same then i wantedt to move on to find someone who did want the same things before I was too old. Well after another 12 months of living together, he decided he was ready to try for children and 3 years and a week later, he is a 35 year old dad of 2, and we will have been together 6 years this summer. So there are some men who need a nudge in the right direction, who can be all you want, but for whatever reason are a bit slow in getting going in these matters ;). My DP is just one of those people who never gets round to doing anything without a nudge, and its taken a few years to realise it. I'm still waiting for him to propose, but I'm adamant I'm not asking him, I nudged re moving in, nudged re children, and that's up to him to do off his own back....I have come to realise that what we have together and with our children is more important and worth more than a party and a piece of paper, I had both with my ex hubby and it didn't do us any good and it didn't last and I know which relationship I'd rather be in and I'd not swop it for anything, even though I would like to be his wife...

loopy..that is really sad

I know you are strangley happy with your lot, but if I felt I had to push someone every step of the way, I would have given up long ago

and saved my self respect in the process

loopy, I really hope no other woman gives your partner a little "push" because you are on massively dodgy ground here

if a man such as this requires a strong woman to make him do the right thing...I fear for your future

because you are always going to have to micro manage his behaviour

grim, beyond grim

anyfucker, that's what I thought when I read loopys post. You shouldn't have to push and nudge at a relationship like that. If a man can't or doesn't want to think or himself I'd rather not bother with him

That's a bit harsh on Loopy, Anyfucker. It really sounds very different from the OP's situation. 18 months and he had moved cities to be with her after leaving a shared flat. Whereas the OP is still waiting for her boyfriend to meet up more than twice a week! There are no real plans to move in together from the sound of it. Just talk. At least Loopy's partner did move on to the next stage each time she suggested it. Maybe he was just lagging a bit behind her.

But I just feel that the OP 's boyfriend is dragging his heels a little bit too far. Speaks volumes.