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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD just got scholarship AIBU to think I need to keep it quiet?

123 replies

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 12:02

All the parents at school were talking about how hard & stressful their DC's found the entrance test last weekend. DD took it all in her stride & yesterday we find out she is one of only a handful of kids to get a scholarship! Put it on Facebook yesterday, mainly for the sake of friends & family we don't see very often & have noticed that the 2 school mums I'm Facebook friends with have said absolutely nothing! AIBU to take this as a warning that I need to keep quiet in front of the other mums? I imagined they would all be happy for dd but if their child missed out on a scholarship might there be a general feeling of resentment? Not a hugely selective school btw, so chances of others not getting in at all are very slim! WWYD?

OP posts:

yaimee · 10/02/2013 12:05

Yeah, I'd probably keep quiet unless I was asked directly, celebrate with friends and family! And congrats to your dd!

AnnieLobeseder · 10/02/2013 12:05

I wouldn't shout out about anything on FB where people would be reading who had missed out on that same thing. Bound to cause resentment. You can change who sees the post to only the family members/friends who you want to know.

thegreylady · 10/02/2013 12:06

Definitely contain your excitement and pride outside of your family and best friends. Anything else may be con strued as a bit smug/boasting by those swhose dc did less well.
Congratulations to your dd :-)

flattyre · 10/02/2013 12:14

Many congratulations to your DD.

I don't think a facebook announcement was the best idea though - surely only a handful of people will be interested (GPs etc) and you could have sent them a text or called, or better still DD could have shared her news.

I wouldn't be surprised if somebody started a thread about a mum showing off about a scholarship

lisad123everybodydancenow · 10/02/2013 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Montybojangles · 10/02/2013 12:18

Why do you care what they think? Your daughter did well and why shouldn't you be allowed to talk about it? You are hardly standing at the school gate crowing are you, your posting on your FB page for friends and family.

If they are feeling resentful that's pretty mean spirited of them. On the other hand, if you only posted yesterday it's highly likely they have been to busy to see/reply. or perhaps it just isn't a big deal and so they can't be arsed to post anything.

It always amazes me that people care so much about who has liked/replied to a post on FB (or not in this case), perhaps you are just reading far to much into this or perhaps I'm just ignorant of fact that virtual world has somehow become as important as RL

Congrats to your DD

aldiwhore · 10/02/2013 12:22

I would keep it quietish, not for the sake of gossip's but for your dd's sake. If she wishes to tell people, that's different. People can get unreasonably judgey about scholarships. Not fair I know. Well done your dd... but I try to keep anything off facebook that would give judgeypant people an opportunity to tongue wag and twist things, which could affect your dd.

Don't worry about those who haven't congratulated you, it may be they have judged or resent you, or maybe they are struggling with fees and just find it too hard to say well done... that doesn't make them bad necessarily.

DonderandBlitzen · 10/02/2013 12:23

Congratulations to your dd.

I probably would have just told family and friends outside your dds' school unless I was asked to be honest as it's probably a nervous time for people so a bit of a sore point.

Original poster

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 12:23

I have a habit of being quite socially inept! Which is why it made me think about what I should say when asked at the school gate

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 10/02/2013 12:24

FB 'announcements' are generally bad form.

yaimee · 10/02/2013 12:24

monty, I think its probably more to do with saving the feelings of the parents of those children that didn't get in than what the other mothers think of the op.

mrsjay · 10/02/2013 12:25

congrats to your dd but id not shout about it too loud dont look from congrats from anybody and if their child didnt get it they are going to be gutted, It is going to look like you are gloating ( im sure your not) to some of them

AViewfromtheFridge · 10/02/2013 12:26

They might just not have seen it!

DonderandBlitzen · 10/02/2013 12:26

They'll probably all already know at the school gates, from the women on your FB.

SoggySummer · 10/02/2013 12:30

Congratulations to your DD.

Sadly in my experience other parents of children who sat the same exam won't share your delight - rightly or wrongly. I suppose - imagine if your DC NEEDED a scholarship and didnt get it or worse didnt even pass the exam - it wouldn't be unforgiveable for them to feel a little put out.

To save alot of drama and anyb upset go onto your FB and change the status visability to only those that will be genuinely pleased - such as close family and friends. Its quick and easy to do.

poodletip · 10/02/2013 12:35

Monty I'm interested the you think interacting with people you see regularly day to day becomes "virtual" and not "real" just because it's done using a computer. Do you feel the same about telephone conversations?

OP I would just not mention it unless someone mentions it to you first and then say try not to say too much about it unless the other person is clearly very interested. In a way I think it's probably good that you put it on FB. Then everybody knows and will quickly move on from it. Better than gossip and speculation. I wouldn't be altogether surprised if some people felt it was inappropriate though. People do seem to get a bit hung up about FB not being the right way to communicate news.

Original poster

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 12:35

Yes, I know I didn't think before Facebook posting , in my defence I really didn't think about these 2 other mums before posting - just a 'how can I let friends & family know without being stuck on the phone all day!!!
Was only after that I thought about the other mums, but I honestly would have expected them to be pleased & keen to reply which is what made me wonder about the reactions at school.
Tis a very silly culture in this country if we don't value intelligence, but I'm beginning to wonder!

OP posts:

theskyonasnowynight · 10/02/2013 12:35

Very bad form I think to boast about scholarship where anyone whose children were in the same selection could hear or see.

I also think its bad form to be too public about these things anyway. At my school they were kept very quiet and none of my friends there knew about mine for several years.

It will put a lot of pressure on your daughter if lots of people know - every test she does badly in or anything she messes up that people know about will be mentioned in the same breath as "she has a scholarship, you know".

ReallyTired · 10/02/2013 12:35

Congratulations to your DD.

I think its best to keep quiet about your dd having a scholarship. Jealousy is a horrible emotion and can break friendships.

Many people cannot afford private school even with a "scholarship". I would even be a little bit careful with friends and family who might send their chidlren to state schools.

scottishmummy · 10/02/2013 12:36

1stly congratulations to your dd
if it's on fb,it's out there, if you wanted to be discreet don't put on fb
have no experience of this so no idea how to handle it, do get dd a treat for doing well

Jamillalliamilli · 10/02/2013 12:37

Some people can be happy for someone else's gain while sad for their own not getting it, some people can't. I don't do facebook but I guess the trick is to know your 'audience' and if in doubt say nowt.

Congratulations and good luck to your DD.

theskyonasnowynight · 10/02/2013 12:38

BTW congrats to your Dd and I know how easy it is to do things without thinking when you are overwhelmed with pride and relief!

Worth bearing in mind for future that it is possible to hide your fb status from particular friends.

scarlettsmummy2 · 10/02/2013 12:38

Children's education is not something I would put on Facebook. Very tacky to be honest.

scottishmummy · 10/02/2013 12:39

try empathize with other parents,if dd hadnt got scholarship how you'd feel
don't presume others jealous etc.be chuffed but don't make this a thing
get on with your business and don't overt think other folks business

Viviennemary · 10/02/2013 12:39

When one of your children does exceptionally well I think you do have to bear in mind other people's feelings whose children might not have done so well. And handle this in a sensitive way. Of course you are proud of your child. But be aware of other people.

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