DD just got scholarship AIBU to think I need to keep it quiet?

[pugsandseals]

All the parents at school were talking about how hard & stressful their DC's found the entrance test last weekend. DD took it all in her stride & yesterday we find out she is one of only a handful of kids to get a scholarship! Put it on Facebook yesterday, mainly for the sake of friends & family we don't see very often & have noticed that the 2 school mums I'm Facebook friends with have said absolutely nothing! AIBU to take this as a warning that I need to keep quiet in front of the other mums? I imagined they would all be happy for dd but if their child missed out on a scholarship might there be a general feeling of resentment? Not a hugely selective school btw, so chances of others not getting in at all are very slim! WWYD?

[puffinbillygoat]

I don't see anywhere that OP "Boasted to the rafters" on facebook! Her proud mummy moment was quite justified I think. My neighbours 9 year old daughter took her grade 1 guitar exam and passed. Neighbour was proud enough to tell a few mums at the school that her dd passed her guitar exam. The little girl is now friendless - their mums were childish enough to not invite her to tea or birthday parties any more - even tho none of her classmates even took guitar. All this for a grade 1!! No OP you must never, ever show anyone outside of your family that you are in the least bit proud of your kids achievements and efforts. I don't have that problem myself but I think it is bloody childish of other parents to be jealous of a child! And usually people achieve because they have bothered to put the effort in.

[scarlettsmummy2]

Re reading this- I don't know why you even mentioned she was going to private school, never mind got a scholarship. So unbelievably crass and I say that as someone with a child at private school! The gap between the well off and those barely getting by is getting worse by the day and I personally find it extremely uncomfortable mentioning anything about my daughters schooling to anyone. Have a bit of humility.

[silverfrog]

Depending on which school the scholarship is for, the OP's dd's school may well announce it at Speech Day, in the newsletter, on a results letter, or similar.

My dd2's school does (and I know this despite dd2 being nowhere near moving on - she's in Yr1). Every year there is a list of leavers' destinations, scholarships and bursaries gained, and any other achievement too.

It is fine to be proud of what you have achieved. Boasting is a different thing entirely.

[SquinkiesRule]

Did you not know that parents can only be proud of their children's achievements quietly these days, making sure their child thinks it is something to be ashamed of. God forbid they actually tell other parents that they are proud. Makes me sick tbh!
Agreed and it makes me sad, achievements should be celebrated not hidden like a dirty little secret.

[SilverBaubles33]

Well done her!

Definitely hide status from school mothers. My dd has had an academic scholarship for years, not sure how anyone else found out, but suspect office and playground jungle drums.

Anyway, she is usually quizzed (oh so charmingly) by one of three mothers who live vicariously through their own dds, every time reports are issued to ask what marks she got.

I have given her total permission to not answer, pretend to not understand the question, tell them she has failed, ask them why they need to know, tell them her parents think such questions are vulgar etc.

Sadly, such petty jealous mothers are everywhere and she will be targeted by their insecurities.

Suggest you maintain a discreet silence on fb yourself, much more dignified and gave a tea party or celebration with real life people who matter.

[timidviper]

I'm sure you can tell, even from the range of replies on here, that people can be funny about these things so I would tend to be fairly quiet about it but not cover it up IYSWIM. We had similar issues when DD won hers and she is now 22 so it looks like some things never change. Congratulations to your DD

[Yellowtip]

silverfrog I assume you're at an indie. Scholarships to senior schools sell. My DD4 was the only child at her state primary to get an offer to the superselective grammar and the HT has studiously not said even a private well done, even though she clearly really likes DD4 a lot. It's just that this sort of achievement is not the sort to be celebrated at all. Different world.

[Zavi]

Definitely shout it out from the roof-tops!

Unless it's the kind of school that puts their results above all else and kicks kids out if they don't continue to make their grade as they progress through the school.

In which case stay shtum - just in case!.

Well done for your daughter in the meantime!

[Yellowtip]

puffinbilly jealousy by a parent of someone else's child is very unpleasant indeed. But that doesn't mean that someone in a happy position with a coveted place at a selective shouldn't be considerate of the feelings of those disappointed of a place. Someone upthread said humility, which sounds about right.

[puffinbillygoat]

So Yellowtip are you saying that children's achievements - whatever they may be - should be kept hush hush just in case talking about it offends other parents??

[JoanByers]

Facebook announcements of this kind are very crass.

[diddl]

" 'how can I let friends & family know without being stuck on the phone all day!!!"

PM on FB??

[Yellowtip]

puffinbilly I'm simply saying think about your audience. it's not difficult really.

[PureQuintessence]

" 'how can I let friends & family know without being stuck on the phone all day!!!"

Why on earth would you do that? Is it really necessary to let absolutely everybody know she got a scholarship? Why do they need to know?

I think humility is great in front of family and close friends, too, and not just "school mums".

Nothing worse than family who keeps boasting about their child's achievements without thought for anybody elses circumstances.

[Tailtwister]

A huge congratulations to your DD, you must be extremely proud of her!

As for telling other people, I wouldn't unless asked. Put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if your DD hadn't been as successful. You would be disappointed and worried wouldn't you?

[bruffin]

Why would other peoples success make you fell bad disappointed and worried.
The only reason for not posting is other people might feel jealous.
Jealousy is a horrible character thstcwas should not be encouraged.
But going on this thread its ok to be jealous but not okay to be proud of a child that hsh accomplished something special.

[PureQuintessence]

I think it is perfectly fine to be proud. But not to show off. It is perfectly fine to ring a close friend or family and share good news.

But it is crass to boast on Facebook. A little humility and mindfulness of your audience wont go amiss. It is like taking out an ad!

[bruffin]

But its ok for the audience be jealous burrow

[mrsjay]

isn't facebook supposed to have your friends on it so anything anybody says on it FRIENDS will see it, the op isn't responsible for other peoples bitterness upset or jealousy about this scholarship imo

[CloudsAndTrees]

Why is it automatically seen as boasting just because you tell people about it?

There is a big grey area in between boasting and being ashamed. It is possible to be proud of what your own child has done without thinking and less off other children. It is possible to be happy for other people's achievements without talking it personally.

It seems that the only people whose circumstances and feelings deserve consideration are those who aren't doings as well, or who are doing fine, but just not quite as well as someone else.

It's ridiculous. When my child achieves, I want him to see that I am proud, I want the people who love him to be able to celebrate that achievement. I also want him to be humble and considerate of other people's feelings, but the two things are not mutually exclusive.

[Floggingmolly]

If the op would really be "all day" on the phone telling people she thinks need to know - you can guarantee that would include quite a lot of people who would have minimal interest at best.
Save it for the Christmas round robin, op.

[PureQuintessence]

Well some people are sensitive and have humility, and others dont!

I am not at all jealous of my friends dd, I am happy for her. But her mother on the other hand, comes across as extremely boastful in the way she phrases her posts.
I am happy for the achievements of all my friends children.

But if you are on FB, and have a motley crew of friends, and not all of them close, and use FB as an information service, you have to be mindful how you come across. Mere acquaintances, if they are competing for the same places, might feel sad and upset for their own children, and might not know how to respond gracefully. This does not necessarily mean they are not happy for the dd in question who not only beat them to a much coveted school place, but got a scholarship to boot.

I have on my fb a mum whose son was a terrible bully to my son. I never "like" nor respond to any of her happy updates about her sons achievements. I simply cant. I do however banter with her about cats and puppies. It is a safe territory for us to keep in touch, but I cannot bring myself to congratulate her child. But that is me. And it could explain the silence of the other school mums. It is a complex matter, Facebook, and you never know what is behind a silence. It could be they did not even see the post. Or they could be jealous. Or they could think "OMG! Results out already and I have not heard from the school!" and not thought about responding.

[plantsitter]

I think it's great to celebrate your DDs achievement and Facebook is just one way of doing that. If she is going to private school you are going to have to start worrying about whether things are 'bad form' or not though. And watch your vowels.

However if my child had applied for the same scholarship and the way I found out they hadn't got it was by a facebook announcement that somebody else had I would be quite upset. But that's the risk you take by being on there in the first place, innit?

[mrsjay]

I spose the other parents would have found out and ignored it anyway maybe the op would have told a parent or 2 at school and the information would have filtered down to parents whos child didnt get a scholarship and failed the exam facebook is just a quicker way these days, I dont think the OP was being boastful and even if she was so what she is proud of her child, facebook friends can respond or not just as they could do in RL,