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AIBU?

DD just got scholarship AIBU to think I need to keep it quiet?

123 replies

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 12:02

All the parents at school were talking about how hard & stressful their DC's found the entrance test last weekend. DD took it all in her stride & yesterday we find out she is one of only a handful of kids to get a scholarship! Put it on Facebook yesterday, mainly for the sake of friends & family we don't see very often & have noticed that the 2 school mums I'm Facebook friends with have said absolutely nothing! AIBU to take this as a warning that I need to keep quiet in front of the other mums? I imagined they would all be happy for dd but if their child missed out on a scholarship might there be a general feeling of resentment? Not a hugely selective school btw, so chances of others not getting in at all are very slim! WWYD?

OP posts:

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VivaLeBeaver · 10/02/2013 12:39

I wouldn't have put it on FB to tell you the truth, you could have told family via other methods.

DD passed the 11plus when most others didn't and I didn't put it in FB, I knew that there would be upset families over the issue.

DonderandBlitzen · 10/02/2013 12:40

I don't think this is about people not valuing intelligence.

theskyonasnowynight · 10/02/2013 12:40

To those who raise the jealousy point, entrance exams are hugely stressful for parents and kids. Jealousy might be a horrible emotion but at this particular time ie immediately on hhearing I don't think you can expect it to be avoided.

lljkk · 10/02/2013 12:41

You might as well have taken out a full page advert in national newspaper.

Terrible fact is Britain is replete with culture of Envy.

Yes I would keep quiet about it.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 10/02/2013 12:42

I wouldn't have put it on fb knowing other parents were on there. But each to their own. Congrats to your dd.

Hulababy · 10/02/2013 12:42

If your DD had got a music scholarship, or a sports one, then I bet the majority wouldn't be bothered by any conceived "smugness or boasting." Academic ability always seems to have such a negative thing about it.

Well done to your DD. She did really well and deserves to be told so, and to have her family and friends be happy for her.

DD did an entrance exam recently and I was really happy for the two girls up for scholarships, there was no bad feeling at all. But at DD's school these are publicly congratulated anyway. Last year 3 girls won scholarships - 2 academic, 1 music. This news was announced on the school website, in the newsletter and all the children in the school had a half day holiday to celebrate.

janey68 · 10/02/2013 12:43

This is your dds achievement and news- Surely it's up to her who and how she wishes to tell.
Don't think it's anything to do with people not valuing intelligence. It's about giving your children ownership of their achievements

ThreeBeeOneGee · 10/02/2013 12:44

I think it's fine to share the news with family, or with close friends who don't have children in her cohort.

If you want to do that using Facebook, you would need to have your friends sorted into lists, and then customise who sees the status update, e.g. 'Family' or 'Friends except School Parents'.

Sharing the news with parents whose daughters were sitting the same test could be seen as insensitive.

Well done to your DD though!

theskyonasnowynight · 10/02/2013 12:44

Hulababy, no reason why they wouldn't feel it boasting, esp if their kid had gone up for the same award.

The school celebrating all scholars is a different thing.

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 12:47

Hula - I hadn't even considered that it might be made public by the school anyway! Thinking about the school concerned it may well be mentioned on speech day & in newsletters. That could mean everyone would know anyway.
I did think before posting that this would be in the same category as 'my child just passed grade ... Piano'. But obviously not.

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Hulababy · 10/02/2013 12:47

In my experience people do feel academic ability should not be spoken off when compared to musical or sporting abilities. Just being on MN tells us that, over and over again.

I just don't understand the whole jealousy thing with it. Why would they not just feel pleased for your DD to have achieved something so special?

But then I am not one of those people who look for smugness is people. I see someone say something about their child and see it as them being proud of their child, not as a boasting or competitive thing.

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 12:49

JANEY - No worries there, if I leave it to DD she will shout it from the rooftops!

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Tryharder · 10/02/2013 12:51

The FB friends havent badmouthed you or shown signs of being jealous. They just havent mentioned it. Whether or not your DD has a scholarship, probably just isnt that much of a big deal to them.

I am genuinely interested in what reaction you wanted from them.

Agree that boasting on FB is bad form.

CloudsAndTrees · 10/02/2013 12:54

I don't think you did anything wrong by posting. Why should you feel like you have to hide your child's achievement and your proud parent feelings from people who (as they are FB friends) you presumably have good relationships with?

Simple answer is that you shouldn't have to hide it.

Your dd has done well gaining a scholarship, but she might be rubbish at something else. We are all good at some things and not good at other things. That's just the way it is. It wouldn't even enter your head to feel bad about posting that your child had scored the winning goal in a football match, and it really makes me cross that there is a sense that its different when it comes to academic achievement.

Montybojangles · 10/02/2013 12:54

Not at all poodletip (love the name), a written message can often be misread/misinterpreted by the reader, where as a phone call is far clearer, there is tone of voice, you can directly answer back. It's also clearly a message for you as you are talking to the person of your choice.
You also make an effort to make a phone call or go and speak directly to some one, a post on a social website takes only a moment and is sadly often not given nearly so much thought as to who might see it/what effect it may possibly have etc ( a little like people cyber bullying thinking its no big deal as they arent actually seeing the effect on the person being attacked).
The op didn't post specifically on the other mums pages, she put a general post on her own for her friends and family as she was feeling very proud of her daughter.
I'm sure we have all been in situations similar where someone else got something we would have liked for ourselves/family, but why would we be resentful or angry that they did and we didn't? Upset for me or mine, yes. Resentful of someone else's good fortune, no. That's just life.

mrsjay · 10/02/2013 13:01

fwiw I dont think there is anything wrong in putting on facebook if the OP wants I just think that the parents who didnt reply are probably upset if their children get in not everybody needs to congratulate her, It is her facebook that is big news she can post what she likes

pugsandseals · 10/02/2013 13:06

Just to confirm - I am not upset with the 2 parents on Facebook, I just thought that if they were unimpressed should I keep it quiet at school?

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scottishmummy · 10/02/2013 13:08

it's the contradiction between fb which is out there and then wondering should be circumspect
cannot be both if wanted to be discreet do not announce on fb

scarlettsmummy2 · 10/02/2013 13:13

Yes, keep it quiet at school. While it is great that your daughter did well, it really is no one else's business. Whether you like it or not some of the other mums will be bitchy- my daughter is at private school and the competitiveness is unreal, why put your daughter through that?

Fluffy1234 · 10/02/2013 13:16

I'd tell just family. Putting it on Facebook sounds like showing of to me.

nefertarii · 10/02/2013 13:17

Its not about this country 'not valuing intelligence' its about you considering other people.

They may have found out their kids didn't get it or be worried about it. In a few days I am sure they will be happy but possibly, at the moment they are a bit down.

Or they haven't seen it.
also its not the same as a piano grade as there is no competition for piano grades. If you get the marks, you get the grade. In this situation the kids are in competition with eachother

janey68 · 10/02/2013 13:27

So if your dd wants to shout the news- let her. That was exactly my point. Her achievement, her news to tell people.

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janey68 · 10/02/2013 13:30

And once again, I don't think it's about this country not valuing intelligence. I think it's more that there is a certain brand of parent (dare I say usually mothers!) who live vicariously through their children's achievements . Now THAT is something which I do think generally people in this country find an Unattractive trait. But that's very different from not valuing intelligence

marriedinwhite · 10/02/2013 13:42

Congratulations to your dd.

They have to find out at some stage so I don't see why not now. I don't understand all this "ooh can't say that; it's good and it will upset other people". It is good - well done you - I think good things should be celebrated and people should learn to be pleased. I've heard similar news and been thrilled for the children concerned.

LAlady · 10/02/2013 13:57

I wouldn't have put that on FB.

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