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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

999 replies

StripeyBear · 09/02/2013 15:06

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be Sad

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 10/02/2013 23:48

You pay tax to your DH?

You should get this moved to Relationships

AmberSocks · 10/02/2013 23:49

i think the longer you do something,the more wierd it sounds when someone tells you their way and its not the same as yours.

In the last few years i have been shocked at family who have put newborns in cots,not even tried to breastfeed,put tiny babies in nurseries full time (not to their faces obviously but inside im like whaaaat!)

its because its so different tothe way i do things until recently been surrounded mostly by other mums who have the same principles as me.

Original poster
StripeyBear · 10/02/2013 23:50

olgaga Sun 10-Feb-13 23:23:21

I know it's not for everyone, and I was lucky enough to have had 25 years of earnings behind me, a job which involved a lot of travel (so was impossible to continue), and a DH with similar earnings when I gave up my career. But I've never regretted being here for my DD whenever she needs me.

I am lucky enough that the work I do enables me to be out working about one week each month which we can just about manage logistically without any emotional hardship. But in my opinion, 12 years later my DD needs me to be around even more now than she did as a baby - and I am very grateful, just having the one, that I am able to do that for her.

HOORAY - so nice to have another positive role model. I really don't mind people staying at work and using nurseries or whatever... but it is nice to hear a postive SAHM story - as they do seem horribly sidelined.

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 10/02/2013 23:50

That's the thing though Amber, I don't bat an eyelid at people who do things differently to me.

HarderToKidnap · 10/02/2013 23:50

Not sure how to say this without sounding judgemental, because I'm NOT, not about this issue anyway...but a couple of Stripey's points are valid, surely? Small kids are generally better off with one known carer than in nursery, especially full time. There have been lots of studies on it, and I thought this was a done deal, knowledge wise? That's not to say children who are in nursery full time won't enjoy it, or grow up to be fantastic people, but just that in some small, but occasionally important to the individual, ways, they won't have as good an experience as being at home or in a home-like situation.

I work 23 hours a week, BTW, so not coming at this from an anti-nursery standpoint. I'm just realistic about it, and having weighed it all up, decided that it's better that my DS take the small hit of being cared for part time by a CM and assorted grandparents (whatever that hit may consist of as I think it's pretty intangible) than it would be for him to take the hit that we can't pay the mortgage. And I enjoy working and would certainly send him to childcare one day a week even if I didn't have to work! And I would consider that a reasonable balance between my needs and his.

LineRunner · 10/02/2013 23:51

A PhD in speling and rennovation, cool.

AnnieLobeseder · 10/02/2013 23:52

speling? Waaaaaah ha ha, the irony!!

LineRunner · 10/02/2013 23:52

I thought you had more than one DC, OP?

catgirl1976 · 10/02/2013 23:54

12 years later my DD needs me to be around even more now than she did as a baby

freddiemercuryismine · 10/02/2013 23:55

I thought you had 2 DCs and I thought you were only looking at schools for them?

Something in this doesn't make sense.

olgaga · 10/02/2013 23:56

Oh for goodness sake. I'm not generalising - can't we talk about our own experience and understanding? The experience of a SAHM and a WOHM are bound to be different, but our respective views are no less valid simply because we all have different needs to address.

It's nothing to do with feminism. I realised after I had my DD that none of the feminists I admired had ever had children! Feminism is about independence and choice. In my view the choice to be a SAHM is just as valid as the choice to continue your career.

No I haven't visited every childcare setting in the country, of course not. I have friends who are childminders, and who have worked in nurseries and also as infant teachers. I feel they have talked openly to me because they felt they could.

Sulawesi · 10/02/2013 23:56

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
StripeyBear · 10/02/2013 23:58

Olgaga Yes, totally relate to your post. I was 41 when DD2 was born, and felt financially secure and also that I'd done my bit of high-flying career stuff. When I'd first had children, I'd been convinced that when they got to 5 years old, Iwould want to resume my career full pelt - and now I can see how insane that is. Although their phsycial needs are less, their emotional demands are ever more complex. I can totally appreciate how you feel you need to be around for your child - and it is a huge relief to be able to afford to do so.

I remember reading somewhere that it is only the very poor and the rich who can afford to look after their children themselves. Sadly, I think this is horribly true :(

OP posts:
LineRunner · 10/02/2013 23:58

[Annie I was having a larf]

Some basic sums don't add up here. As in 1, 2 or 3?

Mind, it is easy to lose children when the telly's on.

freddiemercuryismine · 11/02/2013 00:00

Are HQ on the gin?

LadyWidmerpool · 11/02/2013 00:00

You've convinced me OP. I will resign tomorrow and inform my husband he needs to give up working with disadvantaged young people and get a real job so I can stay at home and bake.

olgaga · 11/02/2013 00:01

Have to laugh at my age being called naive. Then on the other hand it being pointed out I will be 61 when my DD is 20.

Positively ancient - and naive with it! Grin

catgirl1976 · 11/02/2013 00:02

Well, sorry to shit in your hat OP

I (if you remember) choose to put DS in childcare. We could afford for DH to take care of him. We just chose not to.

So the rubbish line you read somewhere is bunkum. And just because you identify as very poor doesn't get you any sympathy points from me.

Original poster
StripeyBear · 11/02/2013 00:02

catgirl1976 Sun 10-Feb-13 23:43:59
I must go to bed but this thread is comedy gold

I still haven't got to the bottom of my accidental pregancy yet.........

Have just been to look at your pic - your son is gorgeous and your hubbie is not bad either... you look pretty good too...

Oh go on - have another one... you know you want to... if you do get accidentally pregnant, can we have a mn test thread. I like those :)

OP posts:
Dereksmalls · 11/02/2013 00:02

Not everyone I know uses an agency, the rates are similar. If you don't think the cleaner is getting enough of a cut why don't you hire directly from Gumtree? I'm sure with references it would be secure (my friend had a bad experience with an agency Sad). I'm not sure why you don't think it's a career choice - it's a flexible job that can fit around school hours, I would certainly consider it if I lost my current (well paid professional) job.

catgirl1976 · 11/02/2013 00:03

Fuckit

People acknowledging my DS is cute as button is my achillies heel.

You've ruined it now :)

Original poster
StripeyBear · 11/02/2013 00:04

ChestyLeRoux Sun 10-Feb-13 23:44:24
I do think its different in olgagas case as she will be 61 when her child is 20 so you would need to spend a lot more time with them when your young.Thats a different type of case as that is significantly older than a lot of new mums.

I will be 61 when DD2 is 20, and DH will be er... 69.
We are ancient.
Do we get special dispensation to be interested only in the quality of our cake then?

OP posts:
janey68 · 11/02/2013 00:04

Catgirl- watch out, she's stalking
You.
If you wake up to find a lemon drizzle cake on your doorstep
Be Very Afraid ...

LineRunner · 11/02/2013 00:05

And she doesn't know how many children she's got.

freddiemercuryismine · 11/02/2013 00:06

Could you explain how if your Dd is that age, you are only starting to look at schools for her?