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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

999 replies

StripeyBear · 09/02/2013 15:06

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be Sad

OP posts:
badinage · 09/02/2013 19:41

Those pandas see feminism as a black and white issue......

nevergoogle · 09/02/2013 19:42

so many great mn names from this thread.

allpandasarefeminists
dumbfuckbaking
nolemondrizzleforsinglemums
boringbabybasedshit

sunshine401 · 09/02/2013 19:43

HannahsSister40 Do you work at all?

LineRunner · 09/02/2013 19:45

hannah thinks that working would make her DD have FB wreckage parties and that's why panda feminism is all wrong.

FantasticMax · 09/02/2013 19:45

I work 4 days a week, DD is in nursery for long days but DH is a teacher so she's only in term time. It's not ideal but it works for us. I could give up work and we could change our lifestyle but I don't want to. I grew up in a household where money was always tight and I hated it. I don't want the same for my DD.

Plus, although I'm happily married I don't want to ever be in a position that if my marriage broke down I couldn't support myself or DD. I've seen enough threads on here to know it can and does go tits up, often.

I'm happy for SAHM who enjoy their lifestyle. It's just not for me.

anotheryearolder · 09/02/2013 19:45

Baffled by hannahs comments
I have shared the care of my DC for the past 18 years with DH - we are both in senior roles .
Most of my friends do to some extent- I dont know any parents who are in the dont see my children when they are awake scenario that she describes.
Mind you my teenagers are not always awake until midday - does that count?Grin

flattyre · 09/02/2013 19:48

The problem with the lemon drizzle cake seems to be that when made by SAHMs these are often the same people who parent by the book, so when 'dumb fuck baking' leave out the decent stuff and the cake tastes like arse.

Fails to acknowledge thread is not really about cake

williaminajetfighter · 09/02/2013 19:48

A bit of a smuggles thread, me thinks!

OP why don't you drop your friends who work and just swap recipes and buy Cath Kidston home accessories with the other SAHM friends! Then you won't have to hear about the RW at all!!

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/02/2013 19:49

I work part time, but I don't need to. I do it because I find being at home mind numbingly boring and need more stimulation. I moan about my job sometimes too but I know the alternative is less desirable.

badinage · 09/02/2013 19:51

I hear Pandas are fond of tasting eachother's arses. They don't care much for cake though.

BigAudioDynamite · 09/02/2013 19:58

flat tyre I actually think lemon drizzle cake is massively over rated, in rhe same middle class kind of way as futons, smoked salmon and Jane austen.

A clementine cake is far superior, alrhough again, I'm not sure it is allowable for single parents/ working mums.....how about coffee and walnut?

edwinbear · 09/02/2013 19:58

My mum was a SAHM for 35 years. 6 months before he died, my dad ran off with another woman and changed his will to leave the lot to his mistress. My mum lost her home, their life savings, dad had even written to his pension trustees to request his mistress receive the widows pension. A 3 year legal battle resulting in a solicitors bill of tens of thousands of pounds saw mum left with 50% of a pension. This is one of the reasons that I will never rely on a man for money, as well as the fact I love my job and would be bored senseless being at home all day. But each to their own.

sunshine401 · 09/02/2013 19:59

Working is nothing to be ashamed about. You have to work to live. Unfortunately people are getting to used to hand outs or top ups. I AM NOT slagging of benefits for a second!! They are needed as a safety net to help stop poverty and of course should always be around. However too many people use them these days to stay at home and then go about stating how working mums should be ashamed for leaving their poor children in day care..
People are really struggling to find work at the moment and I am so grateful I have my full time job and my husband has his. It must be horrible the worry of cutting the household income now more than ever with all the cuts coming in :(
If we did not have savings I would be crapping it by now. Jobs are going daily by very high numbers more so in the public sector where both me and my DH work. It is scary times. You do not know what is around the bend so whilst you sit there judging everyone else just remember you might actually have to leave your children one day to work all week for your money.

anotheryearolder · 09/02/2013 20:01

BAD Carrot cake over lemon drizzle any day !

TheFallenMadonna · 09/02/2013 20:03

I made a lemon drizzle cake the other day. And then I took it to work to share with my colleagues, leaving my poor children deprived, both of hanging out with me, and home baking.

Why did I even have children... Sad

flattyre · 09/02/2013 20:03

We may indeed be allowed coffee and walnut, BigAudioDynamite, after all without the extra caffeine from the coffee we may not be able to balance our blackberries on our noses, whilst changing doing the one nappy change a week we have to for out kids we only see for 27 minutes on a Sunday.

HannahsSister40 · 09/02/2013 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

flattyre · 09/02/2013 20:07

Oh my goodness Hannah, I was doubting you were for real but questioning such a sad story is plain nasty.

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 20:08

I took it that her mum and dad got divorced Hannahs. And I find your comment rude.

Spero · 09/02/2013 20:09

Hannah, you may not believe that one example, but may I reassure you, as a family lawyer, there are PLENTY of women left up financial shit creek without a paddle because their Big Daddy Megabucks was perhaps not quite as signed up to the notion of until Death Do They Part as they had thought.

PickledInAPearTree · 09/02/2013 20:11

Totally agree Spero.

I work in pensions. See similar.

anotheryearolder · 09/02/2013 20:12

Why Hannah? because it doesnt fit with your happyeverafter notions of life?
Keep an open mind - good advice for any women- wohm or sahm

HomeEcoGnomist · 09/02/2013 20:13

Hannah - still hoping you will answer MY question actually: how do you determine whether a family needs 2 incomes to justify both parents going out to work? Do you have a checklist I can refer to?

Spero · 09/02/2013 20:13

Most women five years after a divorce are significantly worse off than when they were married. Most men however have recovered their financial position or are doing better.

Why? Because most men work in jobs that pay better than most women. So stick that in your lemon drizzle and smoke it.

HannahsSister40 · 09/02/2013 20:14

It's not nasty, I'm questioning the legalities. If they were married, which I'm assuming they were, she'd be entitled to her half of the house at the very least. As an unemployed person I can't see how she'd have ended up with tens of thousands of debt and only half a pension! The default setting would be house transferred to her after his death. The only exception would be if they hadn't married or the house was in his name alone.