to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

[StripeyBear]

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be

O and because most women get left with the children. But that's ok, because that is the 'ideal' for children isn't it?

there is no judge on the planet who would award the half of the house which she legally owns to a mistress he's had for 6 months!

And the award for the most navel-gazing thread of the year goes to....

Ta da... The OP.

You're very lucky that you found a second 'job' that you're good at, that you find rewarding, stimulating and most importantly, genuinely enjoyable.

I always find it slightly amazing that people seem to think that all women are cut out for full time motherhood. I mean ... why would they be? It's not as if everyone on earth would be a good architect or a good teacher, or a good chef.

So why do some people think every women will be amazingly good at motherhood and find it inherently wonderful? I honestly think it takes a rather incredible amount of blinkered, unquestioning lack of analysis to reach such a stand point (but then again, the original post delivers this in spades).

Slightly odd for someone who describes themselves as 'your typical middle class, highly-educated, driven woman'...

Well hold onto your hats sahm ladies because the gov is slashing all public funding for most family cases. Arguing in court over your finances will involve hefty legal fees or you representing yourself.

How much is enough to give up work?
How Long is a piece of string?
It depends on where you live, your outgoings, number of children etc etc.. Best worked out with a spreadsheet and calculator.

He had changed his will, presumably they were divorced, and after '35 years of marriage' it's reasonable to expect that Edwina and any siblings were no longer dependents.

I'm confused now, as a wohm who dares to enjoy work, am i allowed lemon drizzle cake or not?

Hannah, have you ever heard of the saying "when you're in a hole, stop digging"?

Hannah, you are missing the point. Pick apart one story all you like but you have to accept BECAUSE IT IS TRUE that a lot sahms who lost or severely compromised their earning capacities are going to get a nasty shock if their relationships are not future proof.

Shenanigans, step AWAY from the lemon drizzle, you don't know where it's been.

spero - agree. I was one. Thought I was ok we'd be together forever and all that hearts and flowers crap. But life snuck up and kicked me in the banjoolies and here I am.

Reality check spero: nobody has a future proof life, whether sahm, wohm or panda.

Hannahs - you're a helluva lot more future proofed if you have your own job, your own earning capacity and your own pension than if you've given it all up and are relying on a man. Taking yourself out of the job market in this current climate could make it difficult to get another job. You know, if life kicks you in the banjoolies and you need one in a hurry.

It's a damned good job I didn't give up work when me working was more or less optional.

Because suddenly after 12 years of marriage I am a single parent, and it's not optional at all.

Death, divorce and disaster. Any one could strike any one of us any moment. Just saying.

Hannah do you intend to work when your children are at school? Left home? Any time of your life? Do you have a line of work you are trained in ?
Does your partner/husband work?
Sorry if you have already answered I cannot seem to find them.

No agree, but you can take certain courses of action, do certain things, to help protect your future, to reduce the risk. Does your dh pay into a pension? Do you have insurance? Are you paying or have you paid your mortgage off? If so, why did you bother when you simply can't future proof

Er, that is precisely my point Hannah? I have been kicked in the teeth quite enough by good old reality to know that we ALL need to protect ourselves.

So the smug, smug, smuggery of a lot of these 'o my husbands got such a big wallet' type threads is also tempered by concern for these women. Are they really sure that compromising their future earning capacity to such a degree is safe?

Hannah, yes sounds good, but we don't have the kind of jobs that go well with doing "reduced hours". Its actually less stressful to do 5 days (I know because I have done both 3 days and 4 days) as mine is client facing and dh does deals/mergers & acquisitions. We both like "hanging out" with our kids unless you also privately think that people like us don't love our children as much as you love yours or love them less than you love yours? ..

Novice I am in absolute agreement with you - also a client facing role and five days much easier to manage than PT, and less stressful.

OP I get where you're coming from having been SAHM, WOHM and WFHM (work from home) but you sound very smug and self-centered.

Er, thanks Hannah - but that's kind of my point. How on earth do you have the insight into anyone's life/finances/circumstances to be in a position to judge whether both parents have to work? But I guess you are happy enough to judge that based on your own version of the perfect family life

I really hope you don't have to eat lemon drizzle humble pie any time because your own circumstances take a turn for the worst and force you to be an Inferior Parent who WOH

I do work, but only 2 days, so always refer to myself as a sahm.
I had 15 years of full time work and savings behind me before I became a sahm. I've always paid into a pension. My name is on the house too, which is two thirds of the way to being paid off. Any more questions?

I think these things do have to be considered. It's all very well to be completely dependent on a man who earns lots of money and say you are set up for life. Well you are not I'm afraid. Perhaps the maintenance will be generous whilst the children are still dependents but after that well I think people are more or less on their own. It might never happen to you and I hope it doesn't but it certainly happens to some people.

So you've made attempts to future proof thrn

and yes my husband works and is well paid.