to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

[StripeyBear]

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be

yay, SPB!

Exactly Iam. The question 'why would you work when you have children' is either staggeringly naive or as many have said, deliberate shit stirring.

I had to go back to work when my daughter was young because if you leave the law or medicine for a few years you are not realistically going back because in your absence thousands of younger and hungrier people have swarmed up the ladder. I had to go back because I was a single mother and it was either work or go on benefits. Not much of a choice I think.

It may not be 'ideal' to have young children in day care but nor is it 'ideal' to have a child raised by a depressed, resentful and poor mother.

Or is what is being argued that on those women clever enough to bag the big bucks husband should be allowed to have children?

assuming the relationship and his career are future proof, yes, I think that's what the argument is.

..and his physical and mental health, and that he can walk past a bookies, and that he doesn't develop a gluten allergy and leave the lemon drizzle baker redundant also.

Thought so.

Well, shit happens. I never set out to be a single mother but here I am. I wish you all lives full of opportunities to make the most of your choices and sufficient grace and empathy to recognise those less fortunate.

Yes Wales!!!!
As you were

Nevergoogle

I think there are actually posters on MN who would respond, when asked what I was actually supposed to do when ExH buggered off without warning, 'Give the children away to a nicer mummy with a proper life.'

hmm, that award winning architect I married, well, he doesn't have that job anymore. seems a shame to kick him out or fall out of love with him for it...best i just earn as much as i can and keep the kids lives as stable as possible no?

I do not get this thread.. whats the question?

I am actually quite excited now I finally feel we have dug down to the bedrock of this debate - there is, for some, only one 'proper' way of being a family and that involves snagging a wealthy husband who then never appears in the debate.

Sod SAHM and WOHM
WALES ARE BEATING FRANCE
:)

There is no point, no question. Just meanderings in the tides of hope, virtue and goad.

It was worth it for dumbfuck baking alone.

Hahaha. The difference is that in real life sahms aren't smug, self satisfied and boring like the OP. Instead sometimes they find things bloody hard, and admit it because staying at home isn't a bed of roses either. Too much lemon drizzle cake is not only bad for the waistline but also most people's sanity.

So the OP feels sorry for me not liking maternity leave. That's sweet ? And shock horror I work in a job share and don't need the money, how smug is that?

Spero and I now have a cake recipe.

o :( I do not have a wealthy husband, he teaches!!
But It does mean I can bribe him with a fiver!!! (Only messing of course).

Yes, rainrainandmorerain, that's what I think.
It's not feminist to 'play them at their game' if their game is a shit one.
Far better to slowly change our culture of working, so both parents have the option of spending more time with dc's. I continually hear 'feminists' say they want to do the same things as men. And we do have that right. Thank goodness. Equality is essential. But time and time again women, perhaps because we get pregnant, give birth, breastfeed and do the maternity leave, say they'd rather be at home more, either part time or full time. That's not a failing.

How many women, apart from the ones on Mumsnet that is, enjoy being out of the house all day and only seeing their kids to wake up and put to bed?

Huh?? Not many. I often do not even get this on my working days but that is life. They need a home they need food. Where else will I get it?

I never understand the tensions between SAHM vs. WOHM. Isn't it lovely we have so many options to suit our individual circumstances?

Just realised I know very few (current) FT working mums. Can only think of two & their DHs work very PT. Plenty 100% SAHMs/SAHDs. Mostly part-time SAHPs. I belatedly realised in my old profession that Mothers were a rarity of any kind in it.

Weird because I am applying for FT jobs so presumably I will soon join the WOHM madness. I do have a choice & I think it's time for a change. Time I had some life of my own again.

It's the counter argument sunshine. For every wohm saying sahm's are brain dead, unemployable or 'going insane' there's a wohm missing her kids and bit working 'through choice'
The answer is more flexibility, decent pay for part time roles and for employers not to overlook part timers as less committed women on the 'mummy track'

I wonder, reading this thread, if the great division isn't so much between SAHMs and WOHMs (which I do think is a bit of a media led 'debate' anyway) -

But between those working mums who are basically happy with the way things are, in terms of leave/work/childcare (happy to embrace a traditionally male career model) - and those of us who want to see a more radical transformation of working lives to allow a greater flexibility for BOTH parents, and alternatives to full time childcare for pre-schoolers.

I think there is also a big gap between those parents who are working because they have to, and those who work because they want to.

I don't ever hear feminists saying they 'want to do the same things as men'. But maybe they are different to the 'feminists' in inverted commas in your post........

I only ever hear feminists talk about what a crap deal patriarchy is for women and men and how changing the whole way society works with its very prescriptive notions of who does what according to people's genitalia.

Changing it into a society that determines that work, parenting, domestic work (and anything else you'd like to mention) would be done according to people's skills, aptitude, abilities and preferences.

Not what's between their legs.

I continually hear 'feminists' say they want to do the same things as men

Do you, hannah, do you really?

And why the inverted commas?

i think i just fell in that gap, I have to work, no question, but I really enjoy it.
in fact, I'm very proud that I provide for my family the way I do, i sure as hell can't bake.