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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

999 replies

StripeyBear · 09/02/2013 15:06

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be Sad

OP posts:
HannahsSister40 · 09/02/2013 17:58

Sigh.
That was not what I meant.
I meant that men don't necessarily enjoy working all the hours god sends and only seeing their kids at weekend, so why would this be seen as some feminist ideal? How many women, apart from the ones on Mumsnet that is, enjoy being out of the house all day and only seeing their kids to wake up and put to bed?

HannahsSister40 · 09/02/2013 17:59

and telling women that they must work like dogs and subcontract childcare elsewhere is removing one form of subjugation for another.

VinegarDrinker · 09/02/2013 18:00

So, surely the way forward is more flexible, reduced hours working available for all that want it, HannahsSister, not widening the gulf between "workers" and "non workers".

LineRunner · 09/02/2013 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

VinegarDrinker · 09/02/2013 18:02

" and telling women that they must work like dogs and subcontract childcare elsewhere is removing one form of subjugation for another."

I must have missed the bit where anyone said that.

idshagphilspencer · 09/02/2013 18:02

Quite Line.

sleepyhead · 09/02/2013 18:03

Most men don't work all the hours god sends and only see their children at weekends.

Honestly, it's another middle class mumsnet thing, where everyone who works has some sort of high-flying career where you work a minimum of 60 hours per week, travel all the time for work and have the Blackberry permanently at your side.

Lots of us have dhs who work 40 hrs, don't actually earn loads but also don't work out of hours, don't have 4 hr daily commutes and see quite a bit of their children thanks.

The number of men doing school run and attending parents events at ds's school is very, very high. I really think that outside the London rat race things are changing.

HannahsSister40 · 09/02/2013 18:03

So, surely the way forward is more flexible, reduced hours working available for all that want it, HannahsSister, not widening the gulf between "workers" and "non workers".

Absolutely! Most sensible comment on the thread.
It's not the bloody 'Mummy track' it's a sensible way to keep working and spend more time with the children. And yes, before someone jumps in....only if part time is an affordable option!

gordyslovesheep · 09/02/2013 18:05

I do it to avoid being yet another Tory stereotype 'the single mother on benefits' ...so I am now a 'career obsessed woman who dumps her kids' (see Daily Hail for further definition) Grin

LineRunner · 09/02/2013 18:06

You'll be supporting the Green Party's manifesto, then, hannah?

Excellent.

nevergoogle · 09/02/2013 18:07

or worse, "single mother on benefits bakes own lemon drizzle cake"

SPBInDisguise · 09/02/2013 18:10

I started off thinknig the OP was getting an undeserved kicking - I know when I have a week off the enormity of going back to work seems huge, especially as my first dayback usually involves getting up at 5, however, as the thread has gone on the OP seems to hve more and more the attitude that the default would be for the woman to stay home - life stressful? Give up your job. And it's that attitude that means that the woman's career will always be seen as secondary to her husband's "real" job. As for working single parents, well bah the lot of you.

BigAudioDynamite · 09/02/2013 18:10

Single mums shouldn't ne allowed lemon drizzle cake

nevergoogle · 09/02/2013 18:11

just who do they think they are BigAudio?

LineRunner · 09/02/2013 18:11

Single mums shouldn't be allowed to afford lemons.

SPBInDisguise · 09/02/2013 18:11

tut tut gordy. And if you want any more kids you'd better stop "pursuing your career" and get round to "snagging a man" now before you find you've "left it too late". Or some such shit.

rainrainandmorerain · 09/02/2013 18:12

Hannahsister, fwiw, I don't think it's ideal for parents to be working all hours and putting babies and small children in full time childcare either.

I live well outside london and know a fair few toddlers that are dropped at nursery before 8am and picked up after 6pm - 5 days a week.

I loathe the assumption that as a feminist I am supposed to find that an ideal way of combining work and family.

I want to see much more flexible working, paternity leave that isn't tokenistic, parental leave that is flexible, and a cultural shift that encourages men to spend more time with their children as well as accept shared responsibility for running a household.

gordyslovesheep · 09/02/2013 18:12

We shouldn't be allowed any cake at all - only nice biscuits and the occasional plain digestive

SPBInDisguise · 09/02/2013 18:13

Yes those single working mums just want to bake and have their lemon drizzle cake and eat it.

SPBInDisguise · 09/02/2013 18:14

nice biscuiys meaning the plain ones with sugary tops? OK then. But no hob nobs.

gordyslovesheep · 09/02/2013 18:14

I don't want to snag a man :( I am probably
a) to career focused
b) a sexual
c) too beautiful
d) too fat
e) too left wing
f) Not Liz Jones

gordyslovesheep · 09/02/2013 18:15

oh god yes - definitely not naice ones with chocolate and stuff

nevergoogle · 09/02/2013 18:15

stick with biscuits gordy, stick with biscuits.

AmIthatWintry · 09/02/2013 18:16

I agree with Spero and Earlier

For some, it's not a choice.

Lucky you, OP, lucky fuckin you.

.....and I do love spending time with my DD, it's just that I have no choice.

YABU

SPBInDisguise · 09/02/2013 18:19

for the record here's why I work