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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be invited to a lunch if there is someone I don't talk to?

339 replies

Neverland2013 · 08/02/2013 22:46

I will try to keep it short. I had a big fall out with one of the mums from our 'mumsgroup' over a year ago. In the past, during a B'day party, I managed to be civil to this person but I am rather annoyed that one of my friends invited me as well as the other person to a Saturday lunch although she knows how I feel.

OP posts:
earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 22:59

Look. I would not have got upset in the situation that the OP describes. I just wouldn't. It wouldn't have bothered me personally. And I don't and wouldn't have discussed finances, which I have accepted makes me weird, but I just wouldn't have told anyone what I could have offered on a house.

I have had and continue to have bigger shit going on in my life that is much more worthy of being worried about that something like that.

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 23:01

No Hilda, sorry, maybe I wasn't clear. I would have discussed that i was moving, discussed a house I looked at, but I never ever ever in million years would have discussed the offer I put on or how much I could afford to pay, which the OP says she did. I just wouldn't have.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 09/02/2013 23:01

Look. I disagree with you. I just do. Why are you needling me and trying to make me feel bad about myself?

dont you think by dismissing the ops feelings and calling her a drama queen, is trying to make the op feel bad about herself and how she feels?

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 23:02

This is what I actually said Hilda
earlierintheweek Sat 09-Feb-13 19:18:59
No I wouldn't discuss how much I had offered on a house. I would say I was looking, I might say what house I'd seen, but I would never ever ever tell what actual money I had offered, no.

Because that's personal and private and no one's business but your own.

And I certainly wouldn't hold it against someone if they went to see a house and put an offer on it. If the op had really put a proper offer on, they'd have been told about the offer and had the opportunity to up their offer. They didn't. Tis just one of those things. And not worth being annoyed about a year later.

I think that was pretty clear

HildaOgden · 09/02/2013 23:12

In your book,earlier,it's not worth getting bothered about.In the Op's,it is.And calling her a drama queen and telling her to see a doctor about it??.A fairly insulting character appraisal there,I think.

How ironic that you then got upset about a stranger passing an observational comment about you.

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 23:14

Look, whatever, we disagree. I wouldn't have got bothered about it because to me it's a small thing. What do you want me to say? Do I have to tell you all the other stuff in my life so you can judge whether something like this would be small to you if you were me?

HildaOgden · 09/02/2013 23:14

I'm out of this thread now,because quite frankly it's becoming too sidetracked.

Best of luck OP,my guess is that you may have outgrown that group of friends x

Helltotheno · 09/02/2013 23:21

I sympathise OP. You confided in someone you thought was a mate and she fucked you over, let's not beat around the bush. In a general sense, she's not in your corner and you absolutely don't have to socialise with her. Why should you be the one to behave as though nothing's happened? Sod that!

Don't go, and distance yourself, that's my advice...

Hissy · 10/02/2013 08:57

I'd live in a world filled with Neverlands, Hullys, Claudes any day of the week!

Never, you have such a high moral and ethical code, it may be that in legalese, and black and white that it wasn't such a massive thing as gazumping, BUT it wasn't right, proper or nice to do, and you have every right to feel miffed about the 'friend' AND the lack of support.

You clearly have higher standards in how you treat friends than the bunch of people you socialise with. The people you know are actually not good enough, you do deserve better. I'd love a friend like you, you sound so loyal, trustworthy and generous with your time and care.

If I were you, I'd go friend-hunting instead of househunting.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 09:45

As i said earlier, i have found that some friends I have made as a mother are not really friends of the heart. There's a pragmatism about them - being in the right place at the right time, Iyswim. There's sometimes a false sense of intimacy because we talk to each other a lot about emotional stuff to do with our children. But push comes to shove, some don't hold the same views/ values/ ethics.

I can see earlier's pov, in a way. But i really suspect that if you were in the same position as the OPs friend, whether you would have been more upfront about your intention to buy a house she was interested in. From the way you have spoken on herre, i suspect that you would have been honest and upfront.

earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 09:48

Jamie - is that last paragraph to to me?

Hissy · 10/02/2013 09:57

Sounds like it earlier and it sounds like a compliment. Grin

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 09:58

Yes

It was a question really. Would you tell a friend you were looking at a house they were interested in, and were putting in an offer?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 10:01

The reason i ask, is because, although i would probably step away from a house a friend was interested in, the second best response would be to talk to my friend about it. Not be underhand and make up a silly lie, which would underline the fact i knew i was doing something a bit grubby

earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 10:04

Grin the thing is, and I'm going to say this and hope it doesn't bite ME on the bum, I would have said I was looking at the house, I would have discussed what a lovely kitchen, the bathroom needed done up, but I just wouldn't have told my financial gazintaes to anyone except my partner (if I had one to be buying a house with). Obviously I am weird, and I accept that and I am out of kilter with the MN attitude, but that doesn't make me malicious. Or friendless. And I wouldn't take what the other mum did personally.

And I genuinely can't get my head around (and this isn't a dig or meant snippy it's a genuinely can't) that you would discuss how much money you had or didn't have to buy a house with a mumgroup. And I certainly wouldn't ban myself from looking at a house my work colleague might like. I work in an organisation with thousands of employees there wouldn't be a house in the country I could view!

I am old. My children are older now but I have been through the mumgroup stage. And as a friend of mine (yes I do have them) says "friends come into your life for a reason, a season or the rest of your days" the tricky thing is knowing which sort of friend they are. This isn't a rest of your days friend.

MusicalEndorphins · 10/02/2013 10:05

OP, I think your ex friend did a sneaky thing, and it would annoy me. I wouldn't do that to a friend either.

I don't think you should go to the party if you do not want to. If it were a family members special occasion or something, I would go and just not bother with her while there, but with only four couples, for a non important gathering, why bother? I would just change it to not attending, if I didn't want to attend something. You are a free agent, and not obligated to go.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 10:06

There is no "MN view"

earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 10:08

x-posts

Jamie - if I assume it was a really close friend and not a mumgroup friend, yes I would tell them I was interested and tell them I was putting an offer in. Which would mean there would be none of this he said she said they went behind my back stuff which I have every sympathy for the OP on because it's not nice. But me and my friends have that sort of relationship where we are honest and open and up front.

But I don't think it's in any way at all grubby for the "friend" to put an offer in on a house. Everyone puts their own family first. Everyone. We don't even know if the OP had an offer on the house.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 10:14

It is as I thoughtt. This is a matter of perception. The OP perceives this person as a close friend. You think she might have been mistaken to think so. But you can only say that after the event. The friends actions proved she wasn't a close friend. You can see how the OP is disappointed?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 10:14

Earlier

I have aslo suffered with depression

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 10:19

I have to admit, i find friendship groups problematic. I an an extraverted introvert. I find myself avoiding groups because people tend to be unkind in them.

< blatant hijack)

earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 10:20

Absolutely Jamie I can see how the OP is disappointed. But you know in more than 20 years of being a mum I can count the number of true friends I have made from a mumgroup who lasted and who I am still friends with now on less than the fingers of one hand.

Having kids the same age doesn't mean you're going to be great friends. Maybe that's the voice of bitter experience, I don't know.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/02/2013 10:21

Well then maybe this is the first time the OP has realised that, and will protect herrself more next time.

Sorry to be talking about not to you you OP!!

Maryz · 10/02/2013 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMorris · 10/02/2013 10:29

This might restore some people's faith in human nature; someone outbid us on our house but the vendors still let us have it because the other buyers were BTL developers and they preferred that the home they'd raised their children in go to a family.

The BTL buyers would have let it as an HMO.