To hide a little warning note to MIL when she comes to babysit tomorrow?

[Wheresmygalaxy]

Tomorrow will be the 3rd time MIL has come to babysit for us since our son was born, hes 7 months.

The 1st time dp and I went to ikea and when we returned she was prattling on and on about applying for child tax credits, all about how wonderful sil is eligible for them but doesnt claim - good for her, thought it was an odd topic but she is odd

so the next time she babysit upon our return she was now gabbering on about which local hospital is the best to go to, she didnt like the one i gave birth in and made it well known that it wasnt as good as the 1 her friends daughter went to, so again im thinking what on earth is she on about. Then after she had gone i opened a drawer in my bedside table only to find my next hospital appt check up letter was in there and it was clearly obvious that she had gone through it while i was out. I find this just really odd i know shes really nosey but to go through of all the things in the house my bedside drawer i just found weird. She has mentioned other things that have made me think how does she even know that but having put 2 and 2 together its clear shes snooping around while were out. I love her for coming to babysit, shes giving up her time but that doesnt mean come in and go through my things does it!

I mentioned it to DP nad he said yep she always used to do it to him and his sister growing up and in fact continued to clean their rooms up until the ages of 21 and 24 when they finally left home (believe me ive shared my views on that alone since i found out ).

so aibu to write a note something along the lines of "get out you nosey old cow" on a piece of paper. or something a bit more dramatic like some retirement home brochures with her name at the top

2 litres of strongbow is the same as 1 bottle of wine. If it was a 3 litre bottle, same as 1.5 bottles of wine - either way, far too much to be looking after someone else's child.

Tramps bottle!

Me sides!

Solesource - we call cheap cider 'Trampagne'

Haha trampagne!

I'm sure the OP says she can't drive, pretty sure I read MIL gets a taxi home

Trampagne Lol!!!

OK, she can't drive. Thanks.

Cider comes in a variety of strengths. Proper tramp-juice stuff (eg the various cheap Diamond White knock-offs) can easily be pushing 7.5%. That's not far off the alcohol content of wine. A couple of litres of White Star is 15 units of alcohol or way over a bottle and a half of wine.

To be frank I think the snooping is the lesser issue here. She's a piss-artist. Even if she was "only" drinking two litres of Strongbow (10 units in total) that's still a tragic amount to stick away while she was on her own and supposed to be baby-sitting.

That your DH feels that such an amount of alcohol won't have much if any effect on her demonstrates not only that this is a serious, long-standing alcohol problem but also that he and his family have become conditioned to regard this as more-or-less normal for her and so acceptable as well. It also suggests very strongly that she's quite likely permanently at least a bit drunk.

The difficulty you face is that DH's family have a lot invested in keeping the peace. They've been trained to do so over many years. They either walk on eggshells around her or face the onslaught of her manipulation and emotional abuse. If this has been going on since your DH was a child then he will find it desperately hard to take the mental step back needed to really see that his mother's behaviour is worth taking a stand about.

Until then, if you rock the boat then his family will quite possibly panic and regard you as the issue, not her. After all, if you kept your mouth shut and tip-toed around her like they all do then there'd be no problem, would there?

But I have to say that that is a risk I'd feel forced to take. I'd not want a drunk looking after my kids. If she can't manage a single evening's baby-sitting without downing a big bottle of cider all to herself (plus, as others have said, the very real possibility of some cheeky shorts on top) then she has no business being left to look after children at all.

OP, I am amazed you're not livid. She had 2 litres of strongbow when babysitting?! And that "won't touch the sides"! Your DH has been taught a seriously skewed perspective.

Well done for standing up to her snooping and prying.

She would never set foot in my house again. As for babysitting, how are you causing a "rift" if you refuse to have a toxic alcoholic in charge of your son? She's done a real number on him.

As for babysitting, how are you causing a "rift" if you refuse to have a toxic alcoholic in charge of your son?

No way that person would be i/c my child.

It is sometime since I had young DCs but I do remember being given a great piece of advice for when you were wondering what to do and it was:

"Ask yourself what the coroner would say."

It has always stuck with me.

Leaving a baby with a drunk is a NO.

NO is a sentence (MN wisdom there).

Maybe if she does babysit again what you should do it leave a brand new well shaken bottle of Trampagne around for her to help herself to

Buzzardbird with a glitter bomb attached haha

Seriously though, it would not surprise me to find she went home nad carried on drinking, we once bought fil a realy expensive bottle of vodka for fathers day and he had to hide it in the loft, its a well told story of how mil searched the entire house before going into the loft and drinking it within 2 evenings.

Thankfully this weekend is over though and we have both learnt a lesson, she shouldnt snoop, and i cannot trust her whatsoever, i never need to have her babysit again until she sorts herself out, which will never happen, its kind of sad but shes drunk since she was 16 at the least 2 bottles of cider a day.

Her tipple of choice shall forever more be known as trampagne. Thankyou whoever made that up, it is genius

its a well told story of how mil searched the entire house before going into the loft and drinking it within 2 evenings.

For the first time on this thread I've felt shocked at you. She shouldn't snoop. But you shouldn't be giving her husband gifts of alcohol if you think she has a problem, particularly as you say your stepfather had a drink problem.

You can't solve it, but you can avoid adding to it. Didn't you think of a box of chocolates?

It's not funny.

I disagree. If the vodka hadn't been there then she'd have just gone to the shop to get something else.

No, the shocking part of that anecdote is that FIL knew he had to hide his present because his drunk of a wife cannot be trusted to leave someone else's possessions alone. And the family is so conditioned to this bizarre and ridiculous state of affairs that it's accepted.

Alcoholism is talked of as a family disease. It's exactly this kind of insanity that is why.

My nana used to drink two cans of Special Brew while babysitting my cousin.

It was her lovely, tiny, next door neighbour who introduced her to it. Between them they weighed about seven stone soaking wet but with tramp level drinking skills

A positive relationship with your MIL would be lovely but you can only change the way you react to her, not the way she behaves, and it is her behaviour that is going to govern whether you can have a positive relationship with her or not.

Your dp saying "it will cause a rift" - "yes, her behaviour is causing a rift, isn't it?"

And when MIL says she hardly sees your ds - "oh dear. Why don't you come over on xx afternoon and play with him while I do the ironing? Or shall we all go out to xxx-child-related place together?". Respond to every complaint with an invitation to see ds with you present. If she moans to other people in front of you, list the last 3 invitations that she refused.

Ask yourself what the coroner would say. This. Say that to your dh.

Alternatively, consider how you would feel sat in a Social Services case conference where they're deciding whether your children should go on the Child Protection Register. They ask you to explain why you left your child in the care of a known alcoholic. What would you say?

I've had to do exactly that, the alcoholic in question being my ex. Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to describe it.

I can't get over your DP's blindspot regarding his mums drinking.

"Why won't you let mum babysit? "

"She's an alcoholic"

" But she feels left out"

"She's an alcoholic"

"It's going to cause a rift"

She's an alcoholic

Repeat till the penny drops.

snorbs you can't keep an alcoholic from drink, but you don't put it in their grasp.

Their DH might let them be tempted because they are greedy and stupid and think it's funny to hide a bottle of vodka in the attic, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with the stupidity.

Well done OP!

My MIL is like yours except swap the cider for red wine. Anyway, I have learned a few anti-snooping tricks on this thread and will be implementing some at the next opportunity!

at "trampagne".

Agree with snorbs.

galaxy, like so many others, I started reading this thread with amusement -and evil fun-, but it turned into horror when I read the three little words: 'walking on eggshells'. This is classic abuse terminology. There's a stunningly good thread with lots of Emotional Abuse links on here: please do find it, and show it to DP.

A-frickin-dore you, you feisty MN wench, you: you're as brilliant and ballsy as I'm sure most of want to be. However, also have to admire DP for standing up to her as much as he did. If I'm reading between the lines correctly, this was way out of his comfort zone!

Bottom line, keep your gorgeous lil DC safe and happy and out of this enabling trap. Support DP for as long as he wants to shuck off this crap mindset.

Rooting for you, galaxy!

limitedperiodonly, nope still don't agree.

It wasn't "put in her grasp". It wasn't given to her at all. It wasn't even hers. It was deliberately hidden to stop her getting her hands on it. Yet she still went out of her way to steal it.

Sure, the OP might chalk the entire debacle up to experience and decide it would probably be best to not do it again. But, FFS, the one person absolutely in the wrong here and whose behaviour is totally unacceptable is the thieving piss-artist, not the OP who may simply not have imagined that someone would go to those lengths to get their hands on someone else's booze.

I am amazed that you reserve so much shock and opprobrium for the OP's behaviour in that situation and seemingly none for the alcoholic kleptomaniac.

Loving tinkerbelle31's suggestion of filling the bedside drawers with live crickets. I actually think it would be worth dealing with the aftermath.

Get the empty bottle out of the bin and anytime DH whines his Mum is being left out wave it at him.

Sorry, but I have to ask where you had to be so desperately that you would leave your baby with someone with a known drink problem, and also hatch a plan to upset that person by setting a trap which was ultimately designed to unsettle her when she is obviously quite vulnerable?

Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the drip feeding of the drink problem after the initial amusement of the original scenario?