To hide a little warning note to MIL when she comes to babysit tomorrow?

[Wheresmygalaxy]

Tomorrow will be the 3rd time MIL has come to babysit for us since our son was born, hes 7 months.

The 1st time dp and I went to ikea and when we returned she was prattling on and on about applying for child tax credits, all about how wonderful sil is eligible for them but doesnt claim - good for her, thought it was an odd topic but she is odd

so the next time she babysit upon our return she was now gabbering on about which local hospital is the best to go to, she didnt like the one i gave birth in and made it well known that it wasnt as good as the 1 her friends daughter went to, so again im thinking what on earth is she on about. Then after she had gone i opened a drawer in my bedside table only to find my next hospital appt check up letter was in there and it was clearly obvious that she had gone through it while i was out. I find this just really odd i know shes really nosey but to go through of all the things in the house my bedside drawer i just found weird. She has mentioned other things that have made me think how does she even know that but having put 2 and 2 together its clear shes snooping around while were out. I love her for coming to babysit, shes giving up her time but that doesnt mean come in and go through my things does it!

I mentioned it to DP nad he said yep she always used to do it to him and his sister growing up and in fact continued to clean their rooms up until the ages of 21 and 24 when they finally left home (believe me ive shared my views on that alone since i found out ).

so aibu to write a note something along the lines of "get out you nosey old cow" on a piece of paper. or something a bit more dramatic like some retirement home brochures with her name at the top

[StuntGirl]

I wouldn't leave my baby with an alcoholic under any circumstances.

That's the only reason you need for why she doesn't babysit again.

[MurderOfGoths]

"setting a trap which was ultimately designed to unsettle her"

She put leaflets in a location where the MIL shouldn't have looked. The MIL didn't have to look there. Any unsettling is entirely the MIL's doing.

I assume that the comments from the MIL about private things unsettled the OP. I know where my sympathy lies.

[CabbageLeaves]

Growlithe I don't share your sympathy with a woman who goes through someone else's bedside cupboards. Vulnerable my arse! Manipulative nosy and unpleasant more likely.

Functioning alcoholics bring up children, hold down jobs and this woman sounds like a very 'functioning alcoholic'

[Growlithe]

Got no sympathy with her. Just wondering why, when the OP says she's uncomfortable with the woman's drinking, does she leave her in charge of a baby, in a situation that, no matter what the rights and wrongs of the snooping are, would leave her in a highly emotional state. I wouldn't have done that personally.

[waltermittymissus]

Moat of us wouldn't have gone through someone else's underwear drawer either!

That's like a burglar setting off your house alarm and then feeling sorry for the poor sod because he got a fright!

[waltermittymissus]

Moat of us? Most of us!

[Growlithe]

Well no it isn't really, because using your analogy most of us wouldn't invite a burglar into our home in the first place.

The fact is, the OP asked a woman with a drink problem who has a history of snooping into her home to look after her baby. Then set a trap for her to prove the snooping and also looked for proof of her drinking. Shock, horror she found both. No good bitching about it now, she knew what she was like.

Where was she actually going that was so important she felt it necessary to leave a child with this woman?

[manicbmc]

Maybe she didn't think that her MIL would put her child at risk by drinking for those few hours when she was babysitting? Maybe she has felt pressured by her dp to have her in her home?

I don't know but the only person who has done anything wrong in this is the mil.

[Goldmandra]

Then set a trap for her to prove the snooping

Traps have bait in them. There was no bait to entice her MIL to invade the OP's privacy. She was doing it anyway.

The OP had her suspicions but knew full well that raising them would be redundant. The family would have swept the whole matter under the carpet in order to avoid a confrontation. She needed to bring matters to a head in a way which couldn't be misinterpreted. Granted she knew what her MIL was like but she had to get the rest of the family to acknowledge that too.

The OP now has the evidence she needs to stand her ground and refuse to allow her MIL to babysit her child.

The child will be safer and the OP has not caused a rift between her and her DH. That sounds like a fairly positive outcome to me.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Grow I imagine its hard for OP, since her DH and the rest pander to this woman, its hard to put your foot down without any proof, now she has proof and can put her foot firmly down.

[NotADragonOfSoup]

It was only suspected snooping. Yes, the OP knew it was happening but now it is proved beyond any doubt. As is the drinking.

As for your judgemental "Why did you leave your child with this woman?" I assume that the OP knows whether the MIL drinks herself to the point of being pissed and incapable or is a "functioning alcoholic" and no real risk. You don't.

[NotADragonOfSoup]

Well no it isn't really, because using your analogy most of us wouldn't invite a burglar into our home in the first place.

She did not invite the MIL into her knicker drawer. Thus the analogy holds true.

[Sallyingforth]

We don't know that the mil was drunk in charge of the child. Alcoholism is a serious illness but sufferers can still carry out many tasks between episodes.

[Growlithe]

But she has also deceived her DH. If the whole whole story comes out he is going to realise she set a trap and didn't let him in on it. Yes MIL is caught red headed, but I wonder what he'll think of the OP if he finds the whole thing out.

[dawntigga]

That's right Growlithe blame the victim, cos somebody WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER was caught doing something that is wrong and it's the person who was wronged that is to blame. If you lay down rules for FAMILY and they break them the only person to blame is the person who broke the rules. Not snooping and not drinking 2ltr of cider whilst looking after a family members child SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE SPELLED OUT, it should be a given.

MySecondDoseOfSIATodayI'mGoingOffLineNowTiggaxx

[manicbmc]

What do you suggest, Growlithe? Should she have just carried on letting this woman go through her things. I'm pretty sure she has mentioned the snooping to her dp before but nothing happened about it.

It is sad that she has had to force a confrontation about it but why should she have to put up with this awful woman rifling through her knicker drawer?

[Growlithe]

She isn't a victim, she is someone looking for a babysitter. If she was that bothered about her privacy and having a sober sitter she should have stayed in.

[Goldmandra]

Her DH knows the paperwork was in her drawer and that the MIL saw it. Why it was put there makes little difference to the outcome. I doubt that knowing she put it there for her MIL to see because she felt so violated would make a lot of difference to how he feels.

[MurderOfGoths]

So someone snoops through private areas and you blame the person whose stuff is snooped through? Really?

[manicbmc]

I would imagine that her dp has said (as OP's mother couldn't babysit this time) to ask his mum. So then what does she say? 'Oh no your mum is a snoop and an alcky'?

Why are you defending this mil's actions?

[Growlithe]

I'm not defending the MIL. I'm just saying if you haven't got a trustworthy sitter you stay in. You don't get an untrustworthy one round then prove she is untrustworthy. She looking after a baby.

[Goldmandra]

I'm just saying if you haven't got a trustworthy sitter you stay in.

That only works if your DH agrees that she is untrustworthy too. The OP couldn't stay in for the rest of her DC's childhood just so they didn't have to let her MIL babysit!

[manicbmc]

Maybe she had no choice though. How do you think the dp would take to OP saying she doesn't want her alone in the house? It's just not that simple.

[pumpkinsweetie]

A takes a while for us to realise that a family member is toxic.
Op has just realised this fact, hence the worrying over her baby being in her care and finding out mil has snooped.
Glowith, we are all human, op wouldn't have known straight away what a nasty piece of work mil is.
Now she knows, she doesn't want her alone in the house anymore. That is understandable. Don't shoot op down for previously allowing mil to babysit.
As for dh, if he is a decent man, he'll stand by his wife and see clearly why she set a trap for his mother.

Snooping is invasion of privacy, and babysitting on a full stomach of tramps size cider is grounds to put an end to the mil babysitting.

[Inertia]

I agree, the alcohol intake is a far more serious problem than the snooping. When bottles of cider were first mentioned, I thought it was one of those small (300ml or whatever) individual bottles- so not ideal but fair enough if she isn't driving, after all many of us have a glass of wine once our own kids are in bed. However, it transpired that it's a couple of 2 litre bottles, which is another story entirely.

It's not clear whether either Galaxy or her DH knew the extent of MIL's drinking while babysitting prior to this incident- I might be wrong, but it comes across that they thought she avoided drinking while caring for DS. Galaxy only ever accepted MIL babysitting under pressure from MIL and the rest of the family , she has other preferred sitters- but now there is proof of how much MIL drinks, it is vital that MIL does not babysit again. She can see DS with other family members present.