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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide a little warning note to MIL when she comes to babysit tomorrow?

945 replies

Wheresmygalaxy · 08/02/2013 21:49

Tomorrow will be the 3rd time MIL has come to babysit for us since our son was born, hes 7 months.

The 1st time dp and I went to ikea and when we returned she was prattling on and on about applying for child tax credits, all about how wonderful sil is eligible for them but doesnt claim - good for her, thought it was an odd topic but she is odd Smile

so the next time she babysit upon our return she was now gabbering on about which local hospital is the best to go to, she didnt like the one i gave birth in and made it well known that it wasnt as good as the 1 her friends daughter went to, so again im thinking what on earth is she on about. Then after she had gone i opened a drawer in my bedside table only to find my next hospital appt check up letter was in there and it was clearly obvious that she had gone through it while i was out. I find this just really odd i know shes really nosey but to go through of all the things in the house my bedside drawer i just found weird. She has mentioned other things that have made me think how does she even know that but having put 2 and 2 together its clear shes snooping around while were out. I love her for coming to babysit, shes giving up her time but that doesnt mean come in and go through my things does it!

I mentioned it to DP nad he said yep she always used to do it to him and his sister growing up and in fact continued to clean their rooms up until the ages of 21 and 24 when they finally left home (believe me ive shared my views on that alone since i found out Hmm ).

so aibu to write a note something along the lines of "get out you nosey old cow" on a piece of paper. or something a bit more dramatic like some retirement home brochures with her name at the top Grin

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 11/02/2013 10:11

Thanks Fru, had missed that, locking is not a solution at the moment!

Agree with earlier poster, your DP loves his mum, this is going to be very difficult for him. He is pissed off with her but he's likely to look at it ultimately as no real harm done.

Hope this doesn't cause too much of a rift between you and DP, he is going to be feeling very conflicted, try and come up with a sensible plan together if possible.

Re the drinking, again, without saying to your DP that you refuse for his mum to ever babysit maybe agree with him that her strength might be day time help from time to time and proper evening babysitting should be your mum.

Maintain your moral high ground by showing you are sympathetic to how he feels, that you're put out but you want to find a solution that works for you both.

manicbmc · 11/02/2013 10:17

You don't have to make an elaborate glitter bomb. Just sprinkle some glitter/talc between the pages of whatever you think she might snoop at next.

And what Cheeseandpineapple said.

scarletforya · 11/02/2013 10:25

Glitter bomb hurtful?

Possibly not as hurtful as a door smacking her in the arse as she leaves, which is all she deserves!

pyjamalover · 11/02/2013 10:43

Before she comes over fit these on your underwear drawer, bedside table, booze cupboard etc and take the magnetic key in your handbag. If she mentions your drawers are stuck, easy, you've childproofed and wtf is she trying to open your drawers AGAIN.

Jenny70 · 11/02/2013 11:06

I don't think I could have her babysit again, the snooping & drinking would be a breach of trust - and after all you're trusting her to take care of your child, if you can't trust her to respect your privacy and not drink, where does the boundary lie? I know 2 ciders isn't a huge amount, and if she is a seasoned drinker "wouldn't touch the sides" but regardless the alcohol in her system will affect her reaction times and judgement, just because she appears lucid, doesn't mean she isn't affected at all.

But I wouldn't cut contact, you can still all see each other for family events, birthdays, sunday lunches, mid-week meal etc. Just never ask her to babysit. Get a local babysitter (as backup if your mum is ill/busy) and just never ask MIL again. Worth every penny.

If MIL ever asked why you didn't ask her to babysit, just say "Do you really need to ask?" and if she plays the bewildered innocent, say that if you wanted her to know personal information, you'd tell her. Snooping is an invasion of your privacy and you don't believe she has the self control not to do this.

NationalLottie · 11/02/2013 11:42

I do agree that MIL' s behaviour won't stop

Bogeyface · 11/02/2013 12:00

When I posted last night I was not implying that the OP was being abused etc, but I was concerned that she hadnt updated and she may have been embroiled in a blistering row with her OH. Just because he was mad with his mum didnt mean that he might not also be mad with the OP about the Australia thing, I was just worried and found it a bit distasteful.

Glad that it went ok OP, and I agree that the drinking is a far bigger issue than the snooping. Perhaps your DP thinks that as he was ok with her when he was a child, your DC will be too. But whatever he thinks, I would not be allowing her to be alone with your child at any point, not now not ever.

Herrena · 11/02/2013 12:35

Do you ever go over to her house to visit op? I'd be sorely tempted to go upstairs and look through her drawers, then come downstairs and discuss what you've found. If she's stupid enough to openly take umbrage at this then go for the jugular.

Original poster
Wheresmygalaxy · 11/02/2013 13:13

No it wasnt and still isnt my intention to cut her out of our lives at all, just to make her realise that what she was doing isnt on at all, which i think i did but i dont think she will stop, that alone would have me saying no to her babysitting again for us, but then the drinking happened, and it clearly wasnt 1 or 2 drinks as ive just been to the recycling bin and found the empty bottle she had put in there.

Ive said to dp i dont feel at all happy with her babysitting in the evenings which is her drinking time, he said it would cause a rift so i pointed out there are plenty other hours in the day she could watch him at her house or take him out for a walk but she chooses not to bother, shes in such a hurry to complain to whoever will listen that they hardly see him yet they have a chance and shes on the cider and fil is off out the pub.

my 1st choice has and probably always will be my mum to mind him, he adores her, reaches out for her when he reaches for nobody else, and she does feed him and put him to bed when he should be, she sees babysitting as just part of his routine, whereas dp's mum saw it as seeing him and playing with him, even up till late! If my mum or dad are busy now i'll think twice about even going out at all.

It will really hit the fan when my mum starts having him for nights if we want to go out which to be fair is very rare anyway, and we will have to explain why but im past caring. I dont think dp gets it at all, not sure if he ever will to be honest, its his mum and i get that completely. As far as she is concerned i'll be polite to her but thats it, the days of me asking her out with us or taking her shopping are gone as i no longer trust her. The snooping i can get over, im not so bothered by that now, what i cant forget is the drinking whilst minding ds.

OP posts:
Elizadoesdolittle · 11/02/2013 13:18

Well handled op. I agree with the drinking part. My DF was an alcoholic. Unfortunately he died before my DC's were born but there would have been no way I would have allowed him to look after my DD's. the fact that she drank anything alcoholic whilst looking after your child is quite rightly of huge concern and that alone should put an end to her being left alone in your house.

pumpkinsweetie · 11/02/2013 13:25

Well done op for confronted her, she sounds truly toxic and tbf i could understand you not having her round again x

JoanByers · 11/02/2013 13:28

What is a 'bottle of cider'? Are we talking about a 2-litre tramps' bottle? Or a little 330ml one?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 11/02/2013 13:30

Do you mean a big bottle of cider? You say it wasn't 1 or 2 drinks. I think you're absolutely right not to let her look after your DS if she's knocking back the White Lightning when she's babysitting. How could anyone think that was ok?

Goldmandra · 11/02/2013 14:05

I think it's quite telling that she wasn't open about bringing the cider into the house or leaving all of the bottles together when she had finished with them.

She knew she was wrong to be snooping and she tried to cover it up and she has done the same about the drinking.

I think you are right to encourage her to continue to be part of your family life but also to put barriers up to her snooping and being in charge of your child while she is drinking. She is lucky to have such a level headed and considerate DIL.

CheungFun · 11/02/2013 14:13

Eek! I'd be more worried about the drinking than the snooping tbh! I hope your DP realises that your MIL isn't the most ideal person to have the responsibility of babysitting!

Not to be horrible, but I don't think she should be babysitting if she's got an alcohol problem :(

NayFindus · 11/02/2013 16:05

Poor you Galaxy, some people have no idea how they come across to others and your MIL seems to be one of them. Our neighbours across the street are like that, not alcoholics but quite obnoxious and genuinely unaware how to be friendly. They have no friends as they seem to think that people are idiots if they're friendly so they never learn Sad

ShhHesAsleep · 11/02/2013 16:07

You may not be able to persuade MIL that her behaviour is wrong, but you can show her that you and her son won't accept it.

I'd concentrate on getting DH on side. It sounds like he's all set for passing this down to the next generation. "But why is granny allowed to ...?" "Er, cos she always gets her own way."

starfishmummy · 11/02/2013 16:13

dp and i argued a bit when we got back but only as i had told him i couldnt trust her in my house alone again, and he said that would cause a huge family rift

But that rift would be of your MILS making because of her snooping and drinking. The (ie her) family need to stop letting her get away with this.

And just a thought but if you set a glitter bomb and she doesn't snoop how will you open the drawer?? Grin

MrsKoala · 11/02/2013 16:26

Wow, we'll done OP.

Tbh the drinking wouldn't bother me, unless it was 2litres of cider. How much is in the bottle she drank? I would have a couple of glasses of wine/cans of Guinness if I was babysitting and would be fine with someone looking after ds doing the same. If you haven't asked her not to drink when she babysits I think it's a little unfair to be angry with her about that. I wouldn't think twice unless someone asked me specifically not to. If she is a drinker, then it may not have occurred to her that it may be an issue. Or have I missed a post where you asked her not to?

The snooping would absolutely be a deal breaker for me tho and I would not leave her alone in my house again.

Original poster
Wheresmygalaxy · 11/02/2013 16:47

Starfishmummy You raise a very good point Grin i'd have to have dp get something very important out of there for me Smile.

and were talking a big tramps bottle, not sure how many litres but the big huge strongbow type ones. If it were anyone else then id still feel a bit weird about them having 1 or 2 but the fact is i know she cant say no, so she wouldnt know when to stop and thats why we have a huge empty bottle instead of a bit missing out of it and rest saved for another night.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 11/02/2013 16:58

Aaah a big bottle is usually 2 litre and that is a lot. I thought you meant a 33ml bottle like a bottle of lager. How long were you out? She must have been power drinking!

JoanByers · 11/02/2013 16:58

jesus christ. Did she drive home after drinking a full tramp's bottle of cider?

No way should she be looking after a child having drunk that much.

Woman needs help, lots of it.

buildingmycorestrength · 11/02/2013 16:59

That much to drink means she can't drive in an emergency. Of course, v unlikely to be an emergency but you must have someone sober in the house should something happen.

MrsKoala · 11/02/2013 17:07

I may be wrong but I seem to remember OP posting she couldn't drive, or have I made that up?

SoleSource · 11/02/2013 17:08

sydlexic your post has had me screaming with laughter. I was in soo much pain.