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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should give a friend a lift home if it's raining?

336 replies

eggsy11 · 08/02/2013 12:33

This may be more a chat thing, but think I need the harshness of AIBU to see if I do have the right to be mad at my friend!

Have done A LOT of favours for this friend, but won't include that in the argument since I didn't do them to be paid back... but it is what is annoying me about the situation.

Another mum at DS's nursery saw me and DS huddling under the doorway until the hail past. Said hello, grabbed her DS and drove home. DS was screaming because he was scared. He was under his raincover in the pram, and it was a 15 minute walk so it was only me that got wet. But it was still horrible and I was literally soaked to the skin.

I know the mum would of had to drop us home (5 min drive) and come back for her DS, as there was only 1 car seat. But there is no way i'd walk past my friend like that! She is always early to pick up her DS so it wouldn't of been an issue since it's daycare, not like at school.

Am I being unfair? Is it our fault we don't have a car? I just think it would of been nice!

(btw she wasn't in a rush. pictures on facebook of them cuddled up watching cbeebies etc when they got home!)

OP posts:
VenusRising · 08/02/2013 16:07

This reply has been deleted

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EldritchCleavage · 08/02/2013 16:07

You British are odd...Threads like this make me appreciate the Irish community spirit so much

Oh, spare me.

OP, sounds as though this incident has got to you because your friend's requests/expectations for help have been quite burdensome and having been getting to you on some level. Seriously, if you're not getting anything like from her what you put in to the friendship, it is time for a rethink. See less of her. Be less available (no way I'd get my OWN child hidden so I could pop into nursery to help someone else's. No one should ever expect that, I think). If she expects you to go over and above the norm but will happily swish past you in a driving hailstorm, step back and let her get on with things on her own.

diddl · 08/02/2013 16:07

I can get that people mishear "would´ve"

But do they therefore not know that it´s a contraction of "would have"?

Lorelailovesluke · 08/02/2013 16:08

Have done A LOT of favours for this friend, but won't include that in the argument since I didn't do them to be paid back... but it is what is annoying me about the situation.

Do not really seem to be sticking to this do you

AvonCallingBarksdale · 08/02/2013 16:09

Right, I'M GOING TO DO THE SHOUTY THING NOW, OP, AS YOU SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
WHY DID YOU NOT TAKE YOUR SON BACK INSIDE WHILST IT WAS HAILING?
and it's should have not should of

Fenton · 08/02/2013 16:12

AVON SHE'S ALREADY SAID THAT HE WOULD HAVE BEEN UPSET AND CONFUSED AT GOING BACK IN AND WOULD THINK HE WAS BEING LEFT AGAIN.

Grin

OOH I DO LIKE A GOOD SHOUTY POST

AvonCallingBarksdale · 08/02/2013 16:13

OH, MY MISTAKE. I MUST HAVE MISSED THAT. THANK YOU, FENTON!

SPBInDisguise · 08/02/2013 16:13

No I don't think so diddl. They must genuinely think it is "would of"

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/02/2013 16:14

Eggsy - I think most people would offer a lift if they have a spare car seat. I do if I only have DS but still have DD's car seat in the car. But most people wouldn't think of taking someone on an extra journey before doing the errand they were doing (ie collecting child from nursery). They might if asked but it's not your immediate thought.

VenusRising · 08/02/2013 16:14

Elderitch, now now, er, hun, no need to be so scathing and dismissive of the Irish... Wink

I've lived in Ireland, and people are friendlier and more accommodating there than in the UK: maybe because there's no class system/ obsession with Boden?

For sure, they might bitch about you mightily after the event, and throw in a few colourful swearies, but they'd give you the lift.

FeckOffCup · 08/02/2013 16:14

I think YABU to think she should have given you a lift without you asking for it, it probably wouldn't have occurred to her that you needed one if you always walk to the nursery and home, she probably just thought you were used to walking in all weathers and your child's crying was unrelated to the weather. If she is a close friend and asks you for regular favours then do the same with her and see if they are returned but don't get all het up that someone didn't read your mind.

Charlie01234 · 08/02/2013 16:16

As someone else said upthread, it makes my teeth itch!

HecateWhoopass · 08/02/2013 16:16

So you didn't start it with an open mind willing to see if you did in fact have grounds to be cross with your friend?

you started it convinced of your reasonableness and expecting all posts to agree with you?

Grin

At least you're honest.

SnowyWellies · 08/02/2013 16:17

Bloody hell eggsy if you are leaving work to give your friend's DS his dinner or his teething stuff, then she is SERIOUSLY taking the piss and you need to stop doing that. not doing that will not make you a bitch though. That is WAY out of order.

SnowyWellies · 08/02/2013 16:17

(I mean your friend is out of order).

Sirzy · 08/02/2013 16:21

Quite often when I drive to pick up my son from nursery we are going somewhere else afterwards and I either don't want to be delayed or I want to get everything done as quickly as possible.

If it was a case of no car seats needed and driving past the house then it would have been nice to have been offered but to expect someone else to go out of their way completely to do it is very unreasonable.

PureQuintessence · 08/02/2013 16:22

"AVON SHE'S ALREADY SAID THAT HE WOULD HAVE BEEN UPSET AND CONFUSED AT GOING BACK IN AND WOULD THINK HE WAS BEING LEFT AGAIN.
"

Op, does your child not understand English? Would he not understand if you explained to him that you were both going to nip inside and wait for the weather to clear up?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/02/2013 16:23

I also agree with Snowy that you are doing a lot for your friend that you don't need to do. If I worked near the nursery I would go there to give my friend's child medicine if she couldn't do it and it happened only infrequently. I would not go there to feed him; nursery staff need to find a way to do this. I would not go to give him teething powders. If the medicine is a regular thing I think your friend needs to sort something out with the nursery that doesn't involve you.

SnowyWellies · 08/02/2013 16:23

I drive, and if I saw a friend in the situation you described I would probably think 'poor thing, hope they get home quickly' as I do not carry extra car seats or boosters and would not have thought to have delayed picking up the Dcs in that situation. And I like to think I am a nice person.

But I do think your friend is walking all over you with the favours.

PureQuintessence · 08/02/2013 16:25

I agree with the issues relating to her child. Not your responsibility to go give him teething powders and food. It is for her and the nursery to sort out. You need to man up and tell her that she must ensure that the teething powders is there, and that she discuss her childs feeding with the nursery staff. It is not in her childs interest that you keep doing this as the child needs to learn to get used to the staff doing these things.

IslaValargeone · 08/02/2013 16:26

How could you saying to him "We are going into the warm, dry, non hailing nursery until it clears up" be any more upsetting/confusing than him yelling through fear outside? Confused

EldritchCleavage · 08/02/2013 16:26

Elderitch, now now, er, hun, no need to be so scathing and dismissive of the Irish...

I think it's because I'm only half English (and a little bit Irish) that I don't do that slightly sheepish acceptance when the Irish get arsey/superior about the English. Bollocks to it.

Whoknowswhocares · 08/02/2013 16:31

Agreed. This friendship has a giver and a taker. The balance is all off. Unless of course friend does other unspecified stuff we do not know about, then eggsy is being taken for a mug

The problem this time is eggsy has expected her friend to react the way she woukd herself, not taking into account that to offer would be extremely unusual and a bit overkill. Just not how the average person would react

The problem overall is that eggsy is doing too much, not that friend is doing too little. Understandable to be annoyed, but the solution should be that they both do the same smaller amount for each other, not that friend steps up to doing the unreasonable too!

ExBrightonBell · 08/02/2013 16:35

Eggsy, you really do need to say no to your friend when she asks for these very involved favours. You don't have to be rude or harsh, but just say that you can't this lunchtime, and actually you don't think it's good in the long run for her dc to only respond to you. The nursery staff will have plenty of practice dealing with upset or difficult children.

Btw I don't drive and walk everywhere with my ds. I would not expect a lift in the circumstances you described. I choose not to drive, I like walking, and I wouldn't expect a friend to offer a lift. If she had I probably would have said no due to the faff of packing everything up etc, when dashing home would probably have been just as quick.

valiumredhead · 08/02/2013 16:37

It's a casual forum not an essay

That's the one thing I do agree with the OP on!