to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

[Moominlandmidwinter]

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though .

But some people seem to regard weddings as a massive opportunity to get offended. Invitation arrives in post: NOT A FUCKING WEDDING INVITATION! WHAT UTTER BASTARDS! Quote

But that's because some weddings have got so OTT in recent years. As I said up thread, you're often expected to travel to some out of the way location simply because the photographs will be prettier; regardless of the fact that it means taking extra time off work, spending a fortune on petrol and possibly having to find overnight baby sitters. That, on top of a cash gift and a new outfit can send the cost spiralling. A lot of people just can't afford that kind of money.

Also, here in Ireland at least, weddings go on for hours and hours, with guests being expected to hang around for ages while photographs are being taken and to have their ears blown off them for half the night by some crappy band who won't lower the volume so that non dancing guests can chat and enjoy themselves. Yes, I do sometimes find weddings a bit of an endurance test and much prefer the simpler, non formulaic ones that cater for the needs of all guests, including the elderly ones.

I asked if they would lower the volume once so I could chat to cousins I'd not seen for years. God, even the BAND saw it as a chance to be offended! I refrained from adding "And you're not actually very good...."

We had a remote in the middle of nowhere wedding. In Deepest Darkest Cornwall no less. Imagine trying to get out of Cornwall in the middle of the night .

We did however, have a minibus to take people back to their home town (where pretty much everyone had come from) and to take family members (from abroad) back to hotels etc) as and when they wanted between x and y time.

Some people chose to camp in a local campsite, some chose to stay locally and we got them a deal on a local B&B, one ended up sleeping in the front room of our honeymoon farmhouse where we had the reception party.

And then those who had cars to collect, car-shared, returned the following day for lunch and lounging on strawbales reminiscing about the day before with us. It doesn't always have to be 'two days off work and expensive hotels' if in the middle of nowhere.

I hate it I had one of these recently and thought it was bad until I received the thank you card which had the amount we had given written in it!.

I do love the poems people have suggested in response!

I think this trend of asking for money is sad, but commonplace.

We married nearly 25 years ago and still treasure many of the unexpected gifts we had - eg Le Creuset pans from my late grandmother which we use every day, a rose bowl from my late grand- dad, things from work colleagues.

The gifts remind me of the recipient.

Remind me of the giver I mean!

No, Pavlov, but sometimes it is. That is the point I was trying to make. Obviously you love weddings and organised your's in a way that you felt your guests would enjoy.
But a lot of brides and grooms have big elaborate weddings that are so stage managed and formulaic that the guests are often a secondary consideration. This has now elevated to the point where some brides and grooms see nothing wrong with blatantly saying 'we don't want your gifts. Just give us money'. That is incredibly rude and very unfair on people who don't have a lot of money as it rules out giving something cheap but thoughtful or buying something in a sale.

So, how many of you give money through gritted teeth (poem or just request)? Or do you give eg champagne instead?

I ask because we've just had an invitation demanding money. No poem though, thank heavens.

at yes, i love weddings, and I guess I am lucky that I have not been to any really ostentatious over the top weddings with big demands on travel, overnight stays and expense. As for mine, I got married in a cave and partied on a farm afterwards. Told people to bring appropriate footwear - pretty frocks and wellie boots were the order of the day

Another one that thinks an invite to a wedding should not be accompanied by a demand for gifts or money. So bloody rude, come to our wedding & bring a gift/money.

Such a shame that a bit of communication can't go on:
you phone or email & say 'yes we'd love to come to your wedding',
then the bride or groom says 'fantastic, we hoped you could make it'
& then guest says, 'yes can't wait to see you tie the knot. We'd love to get you something to celebrate do you have a guest list or would you rather money to go towards honeymoon/ new house etc?'

Instead of the impersonal mailshot with grabby poem or gift list.

Fiftyodd, if there hadn't been a demand for money - what would you have done? Would you have given them a gift or would you have phoned up & asked if there is something they wanted? You could still phone and say, we want to give something more meaningful than cash - what can we get you?

I wouldn't give money on principle if I was asked for it in a wedding invitation. I would either not go or give a present. And that is what people should do to stop this dreadful rude grabby entitled behaviour which is now trying to masquerade as the norm.

I'd have phoned the bride's mother (my friend) and asked what gift I might get them. I really, really dislike the thought of giving money. Difficult though - if we give a gift now, how would that be received?

Pavlov that sounds nice and very different.
Some one in work was talking about their daughter's wedding the other day. It is going to cost 40,000 euro for a hotel wedding with sit down meal. It's that kind of thing that puts me off so many weddings. They are just over the top, over priced, over elaborate occasions with guests being expected to make monetary contributions in many cases to fund these ridiculously expensive events.

Lots of people will want to give the couple a gift and it makes sense to suggest things you'd like. But as the recipient of an invitation that's all a gift list is to me - suggestions - no matter how it is intended by the couple. You invite people to your wedding because you want them to celebrate with you. Getting any gift on top of that is a lovely extra and if the bride and groom forget that then shame on them.

If a guest can't think of anything (or has good intentions but dreadful taste ) then I'd rather suggest things than end up with someone I like enough to invite to my wedding spending money on something that won't be used simply for lack of any other ideas. And if that does still happen then it is what it is, people should still appreciate the thoughtfulness.

Some weddings are all about "enter our inner strange world" though.
We had friends who decided to get married down a MINE in the middle of Wales.

No kids - gave us the perfect excuse not to go - I mean sit in a mine? Really?

Also, I hate lifts - so I couldn't have got down there anyway.

We did send a card.

To be honest, I can see the point of lists years ago when most people getting married were very young and needed cups and saucers and glasses and casserole dishes and lamp shades and all that kind of stuff. The lists were usually quite practical and you knew you were getting them something they really needed.
But nowadays lists are full of requests for Nespresso machines and designer brand juicers and cut glass wine goblets and they do sometimes come across as a bit grabby. Just my opinion, but I know a lot of people find them very useful as it can be hard to think of a present for a couple who have owned their own house for ten years.

I don't mind people sending out gift lists, don't think there's anything wrong with them but I do ignore them. Usually just choose a present myself (or vouchers) and turn up with that. I've never had a request for money in an invite, it I'd still ignore it and choose a gift. That possibly makes me rude!

I'm getting married in June and we haven't mentioned presents in the invites. Most guests know us well enough to just pick something if they'd like too. Plus, I think I'd much rather something that someone has chosen for us. Also, alot of our friends our helping us to organise bits of the wedding so that's a present in itself.

I think a lot also depends on the circs of the couple, we are lucky enough to have what we need, so if someone buys us a mad gift we can just laugh it off. If your situation is different, I can imagine why you might feel more inclined to encourage people to get you useful, practical gifts ( or give you lots of dosh!)

OOOOh I want to have been Pav's friend and gone to hers

I'd never even heard of cash-present poems till I joined MN.

I despair, that anyone would think it's acceptable, let alone be common practice.

I feel very old and grumpy now - shakes head and mutters to self.

7 toasters -aaagh. ( You can buy a toaster for a fiver from most supermarkets anyway).

I've given cash to every couple whose wedding I've attended . . . except those who put a request for money in an invite :o.

Evening do invites with cash requests: those are just a sign from the universe to have a date night out with my husband in the restaurant of our chosing. 'Oh, yeah, we haven't been out in a while! Thanks for the reminder. Here's your no, thanks, reply, we'd rather spend money on ourselves instead of giving you money for thinking we're mug enough to be fleeced for a sausage roll and a crap DJ.'

:o at expat.

at and meg I say a cave, but it was actually the rum store cavern, which was a cave, but not deep and dark down. There was actually a very small beautiful underground lake at the caverns, but it was down very steep uneven steps, required hardhats, only 30 people including bride/groom and the registrars, and no children. I actually wish there were more children there! that is the kind of thing people do just for the beautiful photos, as they would have been amazing. (although the gardens have fairies dotted around so was pretty lovely anyway) meg - we did a free 'bar' like you, but made up of cash and carry wine, special offer champagne from sainsbos and a barrels of beer!

If I do it again, you can come

Wedding lists, requests for money/ vouchers all crass.
If people want to buy you a present, it should be their choice what it is.

Absolute worst is cash poems accompanied by a sort code and account number.

Also hate gift lists when the bride announces on a night out a few weeks before the wedding who has bought what so far, which makes it clear how much people have spent and who hasn't bought anything yet. I want my gift to be a surprise for the wedding, not commented on in advance.

I always ignore lists and poems now and either buy something more personal or donate to charity (mainly when the rhyme seems especially grabby and emphasises how much they already have....had one that actually complained about having 2 houses worth of stuff now they had moved in together)

DH and I have also decided not to go when we're on the B list (evening do only) unless it is local. Last time, we had to fork out for petrol, the hotel, taxis to the venue all to sit in a cramped overpriced bar and barely saw or spoke to the bride and groom.

We took all this into account for our own wedding, got married early evening, followed by dinner so just one set of guests. Didn't ask for cash or any presents but did get asked so in the end, we picked a charity each that was close to our hearts and suggested people made a donation if they wanted to give something. We ended up with a mix of charity donations, vouchers, cash, a couple of personal presents and a few people who didn't get anything. And that was all fine, we genuinely did appreciate people giving up their time to celebrate with us and didn't mind if we received anything or not.