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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

293 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 05/02/2013 14:38

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though .

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 09/02/2013 12:03

What is it that people don't understand about wait to be asked. It is no more acceptable to put a request for money in a wedding invitation than to put a request for money into an invitation to a children's party. It's extremely rude and grabby and that's being kind.

Ashoething · 09/02/2013 12:07

You can do your wedding however you like louise-as long as you are paying for it and not your guests

I had a small wedding because thats we wanted and thats what we could afford. We didnt have a honeymoon until later and even then it was only a weekend away because I wouldnt dream of being so entitled that I would expect my guests to pay for one....

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/02/2013 12:22

Nothing wrong with a fiver in a card! We got several, and I bought bulbs with them - some of the iris reticulata are flowering now and I can see them from my window. They're a constant reminder and absolutely lovely.

IMO if people give you money you ought to do something with it you can tell them about - whether it's to say you put it all together and had a weekend away or whether you bought a bottle of wine for Friday night.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/02/2013 14:06

The view must be awfully pretty up there Ashoething. You're, you know, really principled and moral and stuff.

If you have a wedding your guests will expect to give you something, and moreover you yourselves assume that people will expect to be giving you something. Anyone who says otherwise is not being truthful. All this "I don't expect my guests to give me presents..." is nonsense. I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding and not giving the couple something!

Now if that's money or a thing....I don't understand why anyone would care to be honest. If you're going to be offended by everything, just don't go.

Cortana · 09/02/2013 14:12

" All this "I don't expect my guests to give me presents..." is nonsense."

Bollocks.

lollilou · 09/02/2013 14:15

But the guests aren't paying for the honeymoon they are contributing towards something that the couple would like, just as if they had brought them crystal glasses or something.
You see this is what I don't get all the people hissing about the couple being grabby ect. If I have been invited to a wedding and I like them enough to go what does it matter whether I put a few quid in an envelope or buy a present. It's not as if we took a blind bit of notice whether Aunt mabel had given a tenner or nothing at all, we weren't rubbing our hands over a pile of money the next day.
i do understand that we all feel differently about many aspects of a wedding so I don't think I'll post again or open a thread with the words "wedding"" and "poem" in it because some of what has been said has upset me but as I have no plans to get married again I won't have to face this dilemma

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/02/2013 14:22

Ah well, you think it's bollocks and I don't. Have you ever turned up at a wedding without a gift?

You'd be embarrassed not to, wouldn't you?

allthatglittersisnotgold · 09/02/2013 14:28

As a recent wedding guest. I am more than happy to give the couple a present. It's not about being grabby, it's a gesture to wish them well. If someone has a small gathering or dinner party, surely you brong round wine, chocs or flowers to your host. Now if someone has gone to the effort to host a wonderful carefully thought out event. Would you really have the shame to go empty handed or sneer at a request for some dosh so they can have a nice holiday?

I honestly hope if I get married none of you miseries are not at mine. It's really upsetting to think there are such mean spirited people out there, that you resent offering people starting their married lives a gift. The poem is just a way to keep it light and jokey. I personally think "a few nore bottle of cheap plonk" helps a wedding get under way and contribute to a fun atmosphere. If someone is willing to spend a tidy sum on their wedding, for what is basically their guests entertaiment. They can have my £50 for a hol/pres with best wishes. You couldn't have such a good night out on £50!!!! I can only assume most of you dislike the people that invite you!

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/02/2013 14:31

That's what I think glitters. I honestly think that some people start the tutting and the being offended the second the invitation drops through the door

tinygreendragon · 09/02/2013 14:34

*Have you ever turned up at a wedding without a gift?

You'd be embarrassed not to, wouldn't you? *

I have never turned up to a wedding with a gift and I've never been embarrassed not to either.

Pandemoniaa · 09/02/2013 14:39

The poem is just a way to keep it light and jokey

See, I can't help thinking that if one of these crap poems is necessary to keep things "light and jokey" that deep down, the senders of them realise that actually, they feel rather guilty about asking for money in the first place.

Since they are universally unpopular, it still surprises me that anyone tries to justify them. I don't mind giving cash as a wedding present as it happens. I do object to people insulting my intelligence and generosity by sending a cringe-making ransom demand allegedly "poetic" request.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/02/2013 14:45

I have never turned up to a wedding with a gift and I've never been embarrassed not to either.

OK. Each to their own. I would have thought that most people wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without a little something to wish the couple well. But maybe I'm wrong.

ubik · 09/02/2013 14:57

Some good friends just asked for John Lewis vouchers, or a donation to Women's Aid. We gave them £100 in vouchers.

They are lovely, they have 3 children, they are very sociable/generous people. And we didn't resent it at all.

It was clearly stated on the invite, no stupid coy poem.I know other guests just brought a gift anyway.

However, Years ago when I was skint - just had DD3, Dp's income had halved in recession - I was invited to reception of friend's wedding 400 miles away. I went because I wanted to see them and after spending £££ on flights, dress etc also had to pony up a cash 'gift' And all I had left was £30, to last until end of month. So I gave them that. And it felt cheap as I could probably have found a really nice gift for the same money but instead I got to look cheap. I really shouldn't have gone at all.

Cortana · 09/02/2013 15:15

But I have Ariel, I couldn't afford one. I wasn't embarrassed. I love my friend very much and she loves me.

I'm getting married in July. No gifts, no money, no vouchers, wear what you like. We have a house and stuff in it, we are asking people to come watch us get married, no more.

Some people might feel the way you do, and that's their business, but it's not nonsense that some people might not feel the same.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/02/2013 15:20

But surely one of the problems has become the commercialisation of weddings, as mentioned earlier. People think they a gift needs to be massive/expensive, whereas, as someone else said, the fivers in envelopes were lovely and they bought some bulbs with them, which was a nice reminder of the person. Just a gesture.

Cortana · 09/02/2013 15:25

Agreed Ariel, if you can find my wedding thread in chat you will see how we were worried about doing a ceremony with no after do as we can't afford to put on a show.

We've decided to just do a hall after with a bar and some nibbles. But I felt mean asking people to come see us get married with no party for them after they'd have gone to the effort of arranging to come through.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/02/2013 15:27

Have lovely time :)

People get so silly about weddings - if people get sniffy, well, you don't want them there anyway.

QuietTiger · 09/02/2013 15:33

When DH and I got married, we put something on our wedding invitations along the lines of "We don't want or need gifts, because all we want is you at our wedding. If you really want to give us a gift and you're feeling particularly generous, you can buy us a cow. Heifers preferred". (DH is a farmer).

One of my closest friends did buy us a cow. She somehow sourced a 4ft long stuffed toy black and white Freisian cow complete with bulging udder. Caused quite a stir at the reception and now has pride of place in our guest room!

Binkybix · 09/02/2013 15:34

Can't get too excited about this to be honest. I think all the weddings I've been to have had a list or just asked for cash and I didn't even think twice about it. Agree that someone people seemed to enjoy getting het up about weddings.

We just had a website with all info about the wedding, and that just had one thing on it saying that if people wanted to give something, contributions towards honeymoon would be great, but feel free to not do a gift, or to choose a gift if they'd rather. I'm not a fan of poems, but wouldn't be offended.

Some friends of mine have been invited to a wedding in France and there's a party the next day, where people have been asked to contribute 20 euro to attend Now THAT crosses a line for me!!!

nickelbabe · 09/02/2013 15:52

we had a website.

in the invitation, we put a link to the website.

the website had loads of information including directions, where to stay, etc.
it also had info on pressies.
it basically said we don't want any, but if you really want to, can you please give a donation to our church (and to what to make cheques payable)- because we didn't want to appear grabby
most people did that, but some gave us a personal cheque and notes saying that it was for us or the church.

some people asked us if we would take a present, and then we were free to specify items.

nickelbabe · 09/02/2013 15:53

Quiet - that's brilliant!

chocoluvva · 09/02/2013 16:52

Nobody who has said they don't like poems asking for cash has said that they mind giving a present. They object to being asked for cash - sometimes because they're hard up.

And most brides probably do expect to be given presents because that's the usual way of things, but they aren't saying that they would think less of anyone who doesn't give them a gift or cash.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2013 17:28

I don't mind giving cash or a present. But I object to being told in a wedding invitation. Nobody seems to understand that there is a difference between asking for money in a wedding invitation, and waiting to be asked what you would like gift or cash and then produce a list or ask for money if that's what you want. Of course people expect presents. But you don't ask. I seem to be on a different wavelength from everyone else. But saying that I haven't received a request for money in an invitation yet so I hope it doesn't become the norm.

flyingspaghettimonster · 09/02/2013 18:50

We were invited to a wedding when we were utterly broke, and as most of us atending were poor students, the bride and groom had made it very clear gifts were not at all expected and they just really wanted us there. So We went, and only gave a card - a pretty musical one that played Cannon.

I was mortified a few weeks later to receive a beautiful, long thankyou card for my non-gift card, explaining how much they enjoyed playing the tune as it was one they used in the wedding... I will never not give money again...

splashymcsplash · 09/02/2013 19:41

The reason people do it is that wedding forums put forward that it is a perfectly reasonable and normal thing to do. No joke.

I went on one regularly while planning mywediing: it was useful for finding suppliers and getting opinions about colours etc. From what I read it seemed that most people were asking for money in poems. (and no I didn't!)

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