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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly horrified and disgusted at my brother!

203 replies

FamilyTroubles · 05/02/2013 13:55

Long story with so much background that it would be the length of War and Peace if I was to include it all! Basically my DB has been married twice and has a child to each marriage. His eldest DC lives some distance from him (think complete opposite ends of the country) involving a plane or long train journey.

He still keeps in touch with his DC1 and has her every school holiday and would be excellent at paying maintenance and would send pocket money and contribute extra towards school trips, uniforms and new shoes/clothes. However his second wife does not have a good relationship with DN and has said publicly that she feels it is disruptive for her and their child when she visits and she resents the amount money my DB contributes towards DN. MY DN1 and DN2 don't appear to have any kind of relationship and blatantly ignore each other when they are together.

So there is some background information. Cutting to last night when DN1 was admitted to hospital with a life threatening condition. She is absolutely terrified and is asking for her father (my DB). My DB is refusing to go as he has apparently no money and SIL has said she will not loan him any as she can't spare any (they have separate finances, DB pays the mortgage and bulk of household bills whilst she covers things for herself and their child). My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

To say I am boiling with rage is an understatement, how anyone could treat their child inthat way at such worrying time is beyond me. Incidentally,I have taken emergency leave and got MIL to help out with my DC's so I can go tomorrow to see DN. So AIBU or should I just mind my own business?

OP posts:
maxmillie · 06/02/2013 11:35

goosey how scary for you i hope they were both ok. I just wanted to agree with you, there is nothing on this earth that would stop megetting to one of my children if they were very ill, or even if they just needed me and it wasn't life threatening. I would crawl on my hands and knees if necessary in the Ops brother's case, and I know my DP would too, irrespective of the status of things between us. Money is such a pathetic excuse, we live in a country where anyone can get a few hundred pounds from OD, pay day loans, loan sharks whatever - not to mention his mother was willing to buy him a ticket. What kind of grown man is so pathetic.

I think you should concentrate on your DN now, this will be very hard for her and i think you and your mother need to show her that he and his poisonous wife are the ones that are wrong and damaged, not that there is anything wrong with her.

GooseyLoosey · 06/02/2013 11:48

Thanks for asking maxmillie, they are both absolutely fine. Would never have forgiven myself though if I had not got to ds and he had needed me and if anyone had stood between me and ds they would have needed a bullet proof vest.

wheredidiputit · 06/02/2013 12:22

I think the only person who should put anything on facebook in response to her dad is your niece. And she should just ask him not to post anything about her when he can not be bothered to visit her while in hospital.

Hope you Niece is improving all the time.

Thumbwitch · 06/02/2013 12:31

I am so pleased to read your updates that your DN has stabilised and is improving, albeit slowly.

I cannot BELIEVE that your brother did that, what an utterly spineless arsewipe. As for your SIL, no words are able to express exactly the rage and hatred I feel for her and I don't even know her.

Stay away from FB. In fact, defriend him. Or hide him if you don't want to cause a row, but seriously - stay away from his page or the temptation to point out that he is such a "good father" that he refused to see his older daughter in hospital might prove too much for you.

I kind of feel sorry for your DN2 because it sounds as though her mother has denied her the chance to have a relationship with her older half-sister. And your brother has allowed that to happen, what a wanker! Am disgusted with the pair of them, people like this make me sick, sorry. :(

NicknameTaken · 06/02/2013 13:13

I hitch-hiked across 2 counties to get to the specialist unit where my son was. Strangers went out of their way to drive me there. It never, ever, ever occured to me that money or practicalities would stop me getting to my son. I would have crawled there if necessary

Wow, Goosey, that story gave me goosebumps. So glad that they both recovered fully.

eminemmerdale · 06/02/2013 13:29

horrible horrible horrible. I had a very vry difficult relationship with dd1's father but he never ever stopped seeing her. There were a few times wehn she had to go to hospital, you know, little childhood things, and he was there every single time. No-one could have stopped him (even though I didn't really want him near me Grin ) I never had a father and know how precious that bond must be.

Inertia · 06/02/2013 13:46

Glad to hear that your niece is out of danger- the whole experience sounds terrifying. Your SIL is a spiteful evil witch from Brothers Grimm stories (don't ever eat any apples from her BTW). However , your brother is no better. To refuse to visit his daughter in a life-threatening condition because it's inconvenient is beyond shitty- to then try to elicit sympathy for himself on FB is just awful.

I think LtEve is right- a message on his FB saying that you're so relieved he has finally seen sense about the seriousness of his daughter's condition , you were amazed that he didn't plan to visit but now he understands the urgency of the situation you'd be happy to fit your travel plans around his visit.

girlsyearapart · 06/02/2013 20:39

Gave me goosebumps too nickname . That must have been a truly awful time goosey glad they are ok now.

Keep us updated on her progress op

Original poster
FamilyTroubles · 06/02/2013 21:54

Just to update that DN was much brighter today and was able to have a bit of a laugh and a joke but she's feeling really tired and she kept drifting in and out of sleep. The consultant was round whilst we were there and is very positive that once they have everything under control DN should lead a pretty normal life providing she continues to manage her condition. We have all been handed lot's of info and a nurse came to talk to us about how to deal with the condition, danger signs etc.

The best news is that my DB did end up coming, which is just as well seeing as we were given lot's of vital information today. My DH dropped myself and my parents at the airport. I had just gone through security when DH rang me to say he saw my DB's car pulling into the carpark. As we were boarding at the gate I saw DB and SIL ahead.

She was very clingy and never left his side for a moment (must have been dying for the loo Grin) and barely spoke but at least they came. DN was overjoyed to see her dad. Still annoyed and will never be the same with them though.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 06/02/2013 22:00

So SIL came too? Despite 'not being able to afford'? Sad,desperate mare!!!!!! Or did she take advantage of DM financially to top off her behaviour

So glad to hear DN is on the mend and that DB managed to locate at least one or two vertebrae, if not a whole spine

Goldmandra · 06/02/2013 22:00

Good news about your DN and that her father decided she was worth the effort.

It's interesting that your SIL was happy to find the time and money to accompany him. She must be incredibly insecure!

dinkystinky · 06/02/2013 22:00

Glad your DN is doing OK and your brother and sil did the right thing in the end.

zoobaby · 06/02/2013 22:04

Brill news.

ajandjjmum · 06/02/2013 22:15

Hope your DN continues to improve and that your DB begins to understand the meaning of being a 'proper' dad.

Thumbwitch · 06/02/2013 22:59

Glad your brother manned up but can't believe the SIL went too - probably just to make sure it wasn't fake, hey? Hope seeing her didn't set your DN1 back any! Wink

Glad she's continuing to improve and that everyone knows how to deal with her condition who has any responsibility for her.

Uppermid · 06/02/2013 23:27

Glad they finally saw the light. Is she a mumsnetter?!

More importantly, glad your dn is going to be ok

Eurostar · 06/02/2013 23:58

Good to hear that your DN has a good prognosis and that DB got there in the end.

You say that your DB's character has changed - men can fall victim to emotional abuse. I would consider this as a possibility. I can of course understand that the whole family are so angry that they want to cut him off but do remember that this is exactly what an abuser seeks to do, reduce someone's support network so that they feel it even more impossible to leave. Your DB may have been conditioned to believe that no one will have him, he will be financially ruined by another split, that current wife will ensure he never sees DD2 again. I am not saying that this is an excuse for abandoning a child in need, he could be at breaking point though and utterly confused by constant undermining from his wife.

If it was my DB I'd try to speak to him when out of earshot of his wife and say that I fear he is in an abusive relationship, give him a support number such as this one, saying he has nothing to lose just having a chat with them, www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php, I would say that I cannot condone their behaviour and thus will not be seeing them socially but I will always be there for him if he takes the decision to seek help and change. Whether or not to be there for DN2 is a hard decision, she too must suffer in her own way, bullies are not normally happy, well-adjusted children.

SirIronBottom · 07/02/2013 00:26

I do not agree with the torrents of abuse being directed at the DB. By all accounts he is a good man who looks after his DC. He has no money - this is a legitimate reason for not being able to go and visit.

The fault is in fact entirely with his wife, who sounds like an evil harridan. The only reason he has refused to go is because of her, so he must be scared of the way she might react if he goes. That can only mean that she is abusive towards him.

Don't tell him to grow a pair. You wouldn't tell a woman in the same abusive situation to grow a pair.

BigAudioDynamite · 07/02/2013 00:35

I don't think there is likely to be a level of abuse that could keep 99.999999% of parents from a critically ill dc....

I would need to be either imprisoned or bed ridden. It was his choice

SirIronBottom · 07/02/2013 00:42

That's rather trivialising domestic abuse and the effect it has on people.

BigAudioDynamite · 07/02/2013 00:50

I disagree

I spent many years in an an abusive relationship. I know lots of people who have also. There are many on MN. I don't think it explains him not visiting his dd. And the same applies if he was a woman

Goldmandra · 07/02/2013 08:08

I think Eurostar makes a very good point. The SIL does sound incredibly controlling.

If he is not in an abusive relationship it wouldn't do him any harm to realise that this is the only reasonable explanation for his recent behaviour. It may wake him up to himself.

trixymalixy · 07/02/2013 08:29

sirironbottom the MIL offered to pay his air fair. He has absolutely no excuse.

Glad DN is on the mend and your DB saw some sense.

diddl · 07/02/2013 08:47

So if SIL went as well, where was their daughter in all of this?

imogengladhart · 07/02/2013 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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