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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly horrified and disgusted at my brother!

203 replies

FamilyTroubles · 05/02/2013 13:55

Long story with so much background that it would be the length of War and Peace if I was to include it all! Basically my DB has been married twice and has a child to each marriage. His eldest DC lives some distance from him (think complete opposite ends of the country) involving a plane or long train journey.

He still keeps in touch with his DC1 and has her every school holiday and would be excellent at paying maintenance and would send pocket money and contribute extra towards school trips, uniforms and new shoes/clothes. However his second wife does not have a good relationship with DN and has said publicly that she feels it is disruptive for her and their child when she visits and she resents the amount money my DB contributes towards DN. MY DN1 and DN2 don't appear to have any kind of relationship and blatantly ignore each other when they are together.

So there is some background information. Cutting to last night when DN1 was admitted to hospital with a life threatening condition. She is absolutely terrified and is asking for her father (my DB). My DB is refusing to go as he has apparently no money and SIL has said she will not loan him any as she can't spare any (they have separate finances, DB pays the mortgage and bulk of household bills whilst she covers things for herself and their child). My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

To say I am boiling with rage is an understatement, how anyone could treat their child inthat way at such worrying time is beyond me. Incidentally,I have taken emergency leave and got MIL to help out with my DC's so I can go tomorrow to see DN. So AIBU or should I just mind my own business?

OP posts:
BehindLockNumberNine · 05/02/2013 17:16

Oh your poor DN1. I hope one day your DB wakes up and realises how unreasonable and nasty his wife2 is.

I hope your DN1 gets well soon x

ratbagcatbag · 05/02/2013 17:17

How awful, if I ever said anything like that to my DH regarding his mid teens DSS he'd been yelling at me to pack my bags as he legged it out the door and righty so. Agree with earlier poster who said we'd both be there ASAP for him.

I really hope your db realises what he's doing and grows some balls. :( how sad for dn.

ratbagcatbag · 05/02/2013 17:18

Sorry his ds, my dss

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 05/02/2013 17:18

He wouldn't be the first parent I've met who refuses to be with his life threatened child and I am pretty sure he won't be the last. I wish your DN well, poor kid and safe journey OP.

MadamFolly · 05/02/2013 17:23

Can you go to his house and fetch him when the wife is out?

Writehand · 05/02/2013 17:24

My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

Holy shit! Your DB seems to have no sense of proportion. What if the child dies? It's beyond pathetic. Beyond. It's truly morally wrong.

Doesn't the stupid cow your SIL realise that the way your DB treats the DC he had before she met him tells her everything she needs to know about how he'll treat hers if they ever split? He's a good D, but in this instance his spinelessness beggars belief.

I hate crap SMs like your SIL. I'm a SM, and I'd have to say I'm a very good one. My DSS and DSs love each other dearly. My DH adored his DD -- and I did every bloody thing possible to foster their relationship. We made sure that my DSD and our DSs had lots of time together, lots of love and communication, All 3 of my DHs DCs are now close and loving. And frankly, that's the functional selfish way to be. When the beloved people around you are happy, then you are happy.

thebody · 05/02/2013 17:25

Hope your dn is ok?

Phone or visit the bastard and the bitch troll and tell them exactly what you think of their behaviour.

It will make you feel better, maybe make him think twice about this.

Personally I wouldn't want to ever associate with sil or speak to her again.

NatashaBee · 05/02/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BacardiNCoke · 05/02/2013 17:26

Jesus Christ! What absolute fuckers they both are! Shock I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them after this.

I'm a stepmum and I treat my DSD exactly the same as my own 2 dds. In fact I frequently say she is my first born as we've had custody since she was small, before my own 2 came along. Both DH and I would drop everything to be there if she needed us (and have in the past).

everybodysang · 05/02/2013 17:30

oh gosh, what a horrible situation. If anything happened to DSD or DSS...well, I simply can't imagine any circumstance under which I'd not want DH to go to them. I'd want to be there too. Awful.

FairPhyllis · 05/02/2013 17:39

My 80 year old grandmother who was ill herself, couldn't walk and had never flown before in her life got herself organised and got on a plane to go to her dying daughter's bedside. What's his excuse?

I'm sorry but your brother is a spineless piece of shit. I pray your DN pulls through.

Bossybritches22 · 05/02/2013 17:41

Does your DB maybe really really not appreciate how sick his DD is??

pictish · 05/02/2013 17:46

How awful OP.
She is a hag and he is a spineless wanker.

I hold him responsible, as the father he should just go.

I'd quite like to smack her in the chops just for sport though.

Workdrama · 05/02/2013 17:47

Awful. Just awful. Your DB and SiL should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Disgusting behaviour. Wishing you a safe journey to your DN. Hope she makes a full recovery.

CheerfulYank · 05/02/2013 18:01

Ughhhh! I cannot believe these people! Am shocked and horrified. I'd tell SIL off good and proper and then never speak to her again.

BigAudioDynamite · 05/02/2013 18:06

My uncle didn't go to my cousins (his sons) funeral Sad

MrsTwinks · 05/02/2013 18:06

Hope your niece is ok. Your SIL needs her ass kicked, ask her how she would feel if her childs father put ANYONE over them while they were in hospital. The woman needs a harsh lesson in perspective.

I don't think your DB actually realises the damage this is going to do to his relationship with his daughter, but then in my experience men who abandon their children for their new wives rarely do until its too late. My FIL didnt hear from his father for nearly 30 years because the new wife didn't like the fact he had other children, my DH didn't know he had uncles/cousins until he was 12. Luckily for the most part FIL and his siblings all speak so I hope that happens for your DN's. x

HeadfirstForHalos · 05/02/2013 18:14

Fucking hell! I could swing for your sil and I've never met her, your db too. What a shit excuse for a father. And she's like a fucking disney wicked stepmother!

I hope your DN recovers and I'm glad she has family that does care for her x

Nicolaeus · 05/02/2013 18:22

Am furious too.

Sadly it reminds me of when my friend was in a coma and her dad didn't fly out to see her for 'business reasons' Angry

their relationship never recovered

Hope your DN gets better

wheredidiputit · 05/02/2013 18:34

I can only see one Drama Queen here and it is not your Ex Sil or DN.

Hope your DN gets better soon.

littlecloud · 05/02/2013 18:56

Wow what a bitch, poor DN seriously your brother needs a good talking to and she needs a good slap.

xxDebstarxx · 05/02/2013 18:56

OMG this is awful. I hope your DN gets well soon.

JingleMum · 05/02/2013 18:59

I really hope you & your poor mum never have anything to do with SIL again, there are no words to describe how evil the bastard is.

She needs a smack, and I'm not a violent person, but I would want to smash her face in if I were you, OP.

Alligatorpie · 05/02/2013 19:01

I can't believe your brother doesn't see how this will affect his relationship with his dd forever. He needs to stand up to his wife.

diddl · 05/02/2013 19:11

YADDDDDNBU-other than that-speechless.

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