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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly horrified and disgusted at my brother!

203 replies

FamilyTroubles · 05/02/2013 13:55

Long story with so much background that it would be the length of War and Peace if I was to include it all! Basically my DB has been married twice and has a child to each marriage. His eldest DC lives some distance from him (think complete opposite ends of the country) involving a plane or long train journey.

He still keeps in touch with his DC1 and has her every school holiday and would be excellent at paying maintenance and would send pocket money and contribute extra towards school trips, uniforms and new shoes/clothes. However his second wife does not have a good relationship with DN and has said publicly that she feels it is disruptive for her and their child when she visits and she resents the amount money my DB contributes towards DN. MY DN1 and DN2 don't appear to have any kind of relationship and blatantly ignore each other when they are together.

So there is some background information. Cutting to last night when DN1 was admitted to hospital with a life threatening condition. She is absolutely terrified and is asking for her father (my DB). My DB is refusing to go as he has apparently no money and SIL has said she will not loan him any as she can't spare any (they have separate finances, DB pays the mortgage and bulk of household bills whilst she covers things for herself and their child). My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

To say I am boiling with rage is an understatement, how anyone could treat their child inthat way at such worrying time is beyond me. Incidentally,I have taken emergency leave and got MIL to help out with my DC's so I can go tomorrow to see DN. So AIBU or should I just mind my own business?

OP posts:
Astley · 05/02/2013 21:50

That witch of a woman would be dead to me. You're totally right, I would, never ever speak to her again.

Your brother is no man.

You on the other hand sound like a wonderful aunt. Your DN will know from now on who really loves her.

Theshriekingharpy · 05/02/2013 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlsyearapart · 05/02/2013 23:00

Wow just read all of this.

Op yanbu at all in the least bit.

Bet your ex sil is counting her lucky stars they divorced when they did if this is how he behaves!

Glad your niece is getting better.

Are you still going?

gimmecakeandcandy · 05/02/2013 23:00

Bloody hell - your brother is a scumbag and your sil a fucking cunt - your poor poor dn having such a useless father. Please post on his fb!

That poor girl :(

Original poster
FamilyTroubles · 05/02/2013 23:03

Yes still going, she may be out of immediate danger but she is still very poorly and needs family around her.

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 05/02/2013 23:08

Of course she does. Good luck with it all look after yourself

bedmonster · 05/02/2013 23:15

Lost for words.

Glad your dn is out of immediate danger, and also so pleased she has other family members she can count on. She is as lucky as you are lovely.

Your db on the other hand is a complete bellend. As is sil. Fucking disgrace the pair of them. Sorry.

BigAudioDynamite · 05/02/2013 23:16

Post a link to this thread on his Facebook

The damage is done huh.....even if he went now, it would be too late....he can never explain sufdiciently, why he wasn't there straight away

Whitewineformeplease · 05/02/2013 23:24

I am, like everybody else, shocked. Your poor, poor, DN. what horrible, spiteful people your DB and DSIL are. You've tried with them; don't waste any more of your energy, save that for your DN. she doesn't need people like that in her life; especially when she's so poorly. Give her all the love and support you can, and if I was you, I'd be cutting those fuckers out of my life entirely.

Cherriesarelovely · 05/02/2013 23:25

Thank god for you OP. Your poor neice, she must be so upset. Glad she is improving. There is no way on earth that anything would come between any decent parent and their child, particularly in the situation you describe. What a despicable man.

wannaBe · 05/02/2013 23:55

I'm not usually one for public slanging matches on facebook, but tomorrow after you've seen dn I would be inclined to post the following:

"Have just been to see DN today, she is doing better but she is missing her daddy who could not get out from under the thumb for long enough to bother to go and see her. :-(" and then ignore everything that sil says in response.

DizzyZebra · 06/02/2013 02:02

^^^ THIS THIS THIS DO THIS!!!

Delayingtactic · 06/02/2013 03:56

Dear fucking god. Your poor mother must be ashamed. I would find my DS and his stupid frickin wife and let them have it after that disgusting display. And to put his dd illness on FB to garner sympathy is below the belt.

I would 100% post a message saying that's she's doing loads better but missed her dad and isn't it terribly sad that he didn't find the time to come see her. The little shit.

I'm glad she's doing better but dear god she must be feeling let down by her dad.

diddl · 06/02/2013 07:33

I think I would be very tempted to put-"have been to see niece, shame that her father can´t find the time".

But then, would he even care??

LtEveDallas · 06/02/2013 07:47

I wouldn't be able to help myself. I would certainly enter into a FB fight over something this important. If I could shame him into going, I would.

I would post "Oh dear God I'm so glad to see this - I honestly thought you were serious when you said you weren't going to see her. Sorry bruv, I should have known better. Do you want my ticket or is mum buying you your own? Would be lovely to travel with you"

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 06/02/2013 08:03

What LtEve said.

imogengladhart · 06/02/2013 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 06/02/2013 08:50

I can just imagine being outraged by this as you are OP.
Very frustrating situation indeed.

pictish · 06/02/2013 08:50

And no - nothing on fb. You need to talk to your brother face to face, and alone.

LtEveDallas · 06/02/2013 08:54

Oh, I forgot to say...

Best of luck for today OP. I hope your Neice is feeling stronger and that she recovers well. You should let her and her mum know that there is a lot of love and strength coming her way.

(and yes, I understand what people are saying about FB. They are more wise than me - I didn't think of your neice seeing the messages afterwards. They are right, it would make things even harder for her, sorry)

GooseyLoosey · 06/02/2013 09:02

My son was admitted to hospital with life threatening injuries a few years ago. Dh went with him in the helicopter as he too was injured. He accidentally took the car keys with him and my purse was in the car.

I hitch-hiked across 2 counties to get to the specialist unit where my son was. Strangers went out of their way to drive me there. It never, ever, ever occured to me that money or practicalities would stop me getting to my son. I would have crawled there if necessary. I think that this is what most parents would have done in my position.

I cannot reconcile your brother's actions with those of a loving father and sadly for both him and his dd, I think she may have trouble with this too.

imogengladhart · 06/02/2013 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MickeyTheShortOne · 06/02/2013 09:19

I hope your DN is feeling stronger this morning OP. Im glad you are still going to see her- believe me, it will make all the difference in the world.
I too have a spineless shit of a father, and have been in and out of hospital all my life (although thankfully nothing life threatening)- not once did he visit me, send a card, nothing.
As a result of this we do not have a relationship. I havent spoken to him for 21 years.
His sister however is a huge part of my life, and always will be. She is always by my side if I need her.
I would also be very tempted to post something on facebook, however I agree that it would be even more damaging for your DN if she saw it. However, if she asks where he is, don't, whatever you do, lie to her. Don't be nasty about it but don't lie to make her feel better. She deserves to know what a prick he is.
I hope he realises that one day she will probably totally cut him off. I am utterly aghast at thw fact that he is pleading for sympathy on facebook, thats disgraceful.

I'll give SIL a smack though where does she live?!

I hope DN makes a speedy recovery- please update us when you can.

Goldmandra · 06/02/2013 09:36

I wanted to add my voice to those who are glad that you are going to see her.

I agree that you need to be honest about why her father isn't there if she asks. She is probably already painfully aware that she doesn't come high on her father's list of priorities.

She needs to know now that she can manage without him and that others, like you, will be there for her. Be honest with her about that.

It is better for her to realise that she is strong enough and has enough other support that what he chooses to do will be of little consequence. Once children realise that they don't need parents who behave like this their belief in their own strength grows.

Tell her that if ever she needs someone she can shout and you will be there for her, that you care and will never stop caring.

Let her be upset if she needs to because, given her parents relationship, she may not want to let it out in front of her mum.

Please give her lots of hugs from all the MNers who are thinking of her and wishing she had the father she deserves.

womblingalong · 06/02/2013 09:54

I cannot believe Your brother is not already with his DD1, this is one of the most depressing and sad things I have read about on here.

Well done OP for being so supportive of your DN. I agree don't respond on face book, words fail me, that he could post for sympathy on FB, but not be begging/borrowing or stealing the fare to get to his DD.

You SIL2 is a poor excuse for a person/wife/Mother or Stepmum. I am horrified at her behaviour. Let's hope karma is a bitch to her.

Hope DN is recovering well.