Private schools - want to shout IT'S NOT FAIR!

[Yermina]

Went to PIL last night and heard all about sil's children's school. One of her boys is already attending a fantastic private school. Just found out his two brothers have also got places at very good private schools.

In the mean time my dc's are in classes of 31 at the local state school. My youngest needs additional support (sn) but isn't statemented (diagnosed but no statement) so doesn't get it. SIL's middle child has got into a mainstream private school that has outstanding support for children with dyslexia, which he's been diagnosed with. And will be in classes of 18.

Our middle ds is musically talented but there is really poor provision for music teaching at his state school and very few children there are learning an instrument. We struggle to pay for music lessons for him outside school.

Is it wrong of me to feel eaten up with jealousy and anger at the unfairness of a school system which privileges the children of well-off people so openly and seemingly without anyone else seeing it as something that's wrong or deeply, deeply unfair?

How would you explain to a group of children: you lot over here will have XXXX spent on your education, and lots of opportunity to develop your talents, and you lot over there will have about half as much spent on you, and will have much less attention from the teacher because there'll be twice as many of you in the class. Oh, and you kids with sn or specific gifts - unless your parents have money, you probably won't get the help you need to thrive educationally.

I know it's the way the world is but at the moment I feel bitter about it. Really really bitter. And jealous

Every time I go to my PIL's and have to hear about all the amazing thing SIL's dcs are doing at their school, their academic achievements, I want to go home and hide under the duvet and cry.

We'll never, ever be able to afford private education. We'll never be able to afford to move to an area with really good state schools. We'll never be able to get our children into church schools as we're not church goers, and our local grammar schools (2) are bursting at the seams with children from the local private prep schools, who bus their students in to take the 11+ en mass.

It's just so fucking unfair. It really is. I just want to get that off my chest.

That is all.

POSTBELLUM -
You have a point there!

"So you live in a bigger house than me, have grandparents on tap & couldn't possibly consider moving out of the south east because it's big & scary out there - but I'm wrong for not putting the grandparents first?"

I live in one of the poorest and cheapest parts of London in a ramshackle house. I have three children.

DH and I are in our mid-40's. How easy is it for people like us to find completely new jobs at higher rates of pay in a completely different county outside of high employment/high housing cost areas?

"If they need care, then surely they can pay for it?"

It's not about providing personal care. DH's parents can rip through their paltry savings paying for that. It's about BEING TOGETHER. I love my mum and she loves me and is an important person in our DC's lives. She'll be gone soon. My lovely dad died two years ago and the one thing in my life I'm glad of is that I saw him so often in the last few years.

But I do appreciate that not everyone is that interested in their parents or loves them enough to want to spend time with them, if it's an inconvenience or cramps their ambitions for themselves or their children.

My flabber has been more ghasted by this thread than any other private school thread yet! Why are people so terrified of state schools?

Don't have a child if there is a risk it might have to go to state school, abandon elderly parents, give up every comfort and pleasure, and heap all that, plus sleeping in the kitchen for 18 years on the shoulders of your one child, who will carry the weight of that responsibility for ever! Imagine if your parents made choices like that on your behalf, and you didn't actually want to go to Oxford, or weren't capable of the string of A*s? What the hell would that feel like?

Nearest prep school is about £125 per week per child. I don't want to say where I am because it might out me, but it's no more than an hour to central London. If you really are interested as a possibility for yourself, then am happy to tell you by pm.

morethanpotatoprints agreed that somewhere like Chet's is possibly the most cost-effective way of sending a child to private school (I went there and my parents didn't pay anything for the fist 6 years) but the means-testing looks at money in, and doesn't really take account of money out. So if on paper it looks like you earn a decent wage, you will have to pay fees even if your outgoings are such that you have little disposable income.

Plus the issue with sending a young child from the SE to a boarding school in Manchester. Many parents (or children!) wouldn't necessarily be happy about that.

Loving "Chets"!

Would you like me to help you carry that name- it's be a shame if you dropped it or anything.........!

Bear in mind when looking at prices that there are crap prep schools- private does not mean good.

Of course! My DD is going to feel the pressure for the rest of her life . Nobody here is going go be disappointed if she becomes a teacher or a nurse! Yes I'd be upset if she went into a job she hated, but the whole point of her education is to help her decide what she wants to do with HER life. Nobody will make those decisions for her!

Ok so you can't /won't move, you can't / won't retrain - so what can you do?

Hope you do the Lottery.

That way you can keep the dream alive.

What about a plumber, pugsandseals? (Nursing and teaching are professional careers that require academic qualifications so not sure why you used those as examples).

Oh this is interesting!

It is not unfair that there are private and state schools, but it is unfair that there exist chasms between the quality of state schools, and the govt do not address this.

I went to a great state school, bad 6 form, yet went to Oxbridge...if you study hard you will make it regardless of where you went to school. Your parents instil that belief in you, so going on about unfairness will not help your DCs.

I have 1 dd. I want her to go to private school as the state schools in my (quite posh) part of London are awful. So when she turned 1 I looked into schooling and found a few to put her name down for. It is cheaper than nursery. However it is a big cost to saddle yourself with for 15 yrs, and I decided it meant we'd stick to 1 child. I could stretch the cost to 2 but no more and that would change our lifestyle quite a lot, which I don't fancy. Perhaps you didn't make a similar consideration when your dc1 was small, and have closed the door on private education as you now have to consider 3 kids... Don't blame those who didn't.

Can you change state schools?

Yermina I'm bemoaning the inequalities in the educational system that make life unfair for so many children

Yet, you'd stop moaning in a heartbeat if your children could have that. How hypocritical! You're not moaning about equality really, you're moaning that YOUR children don't have the same opportunities as 7% (I think?) of other children in this country.

Also wondering a bit Yermena..................

Glad you have got it off your chest BUT there are lots of things lots of us want to shout " 'snot fair" about but you seem set on carrying on shouting and nursing a chip and not conceding one inch that there might be ways to get on with making the best of it, and it might not be quite as unfair as you are determined to think...

I for instance wish to f* I had not got Breast Cancer 11 years ago when my eldest was 7, something that has I am sure affected her ever since, and that I did not now have osteoposrosis as a result which will see me in a wheelchair at some point and certainly not get to be a burden on them in old age

I wish DDs had been offered places in one of the local state schools, instead of a place in a sink school three bus rides away AKA a local Council strategy of deterring parents into the private sector, and mothers back to work

I also wish both DDs did not have Dyslexia and that their private schools' provision was all it was cracked up to be (it rarely is) so that I am having to cope with the consequences in terms of the need for emotional and academic support at home.

I also wish DD had not encountered some truly horrible examples of bad parenting by the wealthy at her private school and their disruptive manipulative and bullying behaviour

I also wish DDs school had not forgotten to mention her Dyslexia on her Oxbridge application so that her playing field could have been levelled along with those from state schools so that she got a place instead of being put in the pool.

But you know, it is what it is and I just get on with doing what I can to support my DDs, and above all love them and enjoy them and feel very proud of them.

I do know that your ASD child puts a great strain on your life but a private school would not be the answer. The people I know with ASD children have all ended up with superior provision in state schools.

As others have said there is lots available to enrich your other DCs lives in the state sector, once they get older the London unis are out ever more into schools like your DCs providing positive mentoring and encouraging applications. If you can support them to achieve from their school they will have lots of advantages over private school pupils. Don't assume putting them into a private school will take care of all your problems and give them an advantage.

Most of all don't waste your time with all this negativity and jealousy........

Lost all interest in reasoned debate when it was implied that if you didn't live near your parents you don't care about them. I couldn't afford to live in the Home Counties town I grew up in even if I sold one of my children. Instead we have to live further away. That's life, not always nice but the way it goes.

And as I have said I can do reasonable with children in both state and private schools and a very slightly above average income, so not rich. Actually make that no income as redundancy has struck.

Op if you were given the money today would you send your children private?

OP
You sound like you live in the same part of London I was born in. & you know what? It may surprise you to hear that you can reach central London quicker by train from parts of Cambridgeshire & Northamptonshire than from my home town!

Yermina, IME some people confuse being hardworking with being deserving/a good person, while overlooking the fact that they've put their success before their relationships, to the detriment of parents/children etc.

I was trying to make that point before on this thread.

The ambitious ones will now accuse you of being 'sanctimonious'.

My goodness! This thread is still going! Still seems Yermina complaining about not being able to do anything about her situation despite lots of suggestions.

I'll dont believe you want to change. You are a glass half empty sort of person who wants something thrown into your lap. If you won the lottery you would be enrolling your children into private school.

That is what you really want. You just dont want to figure out a way to do it yourself! We all have elderly parents. A lot of us on this thread are your age. For goodness sake, stop MOANING!

No one forced you to have three children. Perhaps if you had thought beforehand like others have you would have stopped at 1 or 2 and then you would have gotten your 'private education'.

Oh no - I have forgotton - there would be another reason why it still wouldnt be possible to afford it. Not once have you indicated that you want to make any changes to your life. Well - if you dont - your life will be as it is now....

The OP tried to start a PTA.

ubik Tue 05-Feb-13 14:21:37

"The children at the comp down the road will perhaps one day educate your grandchildren. They will one day perhaps save your life - that fake blonde, orange makeup, Uggboot wearing girl will quietly and calmly talk you through keeping a loved one alive while ensuring a ambulance is on its way. Or that boy wearing a hoodie will one day cut you out of your car wreckage and keep reassuring you"

This. I wonder how surprised some of the posters on this thread would be to find that these fairly necessary workers do not earn the 50k mentioned by Flatbread and can never do so in these jobs, however hard they work.

rollmopses I'm not sure what's amusing about suggesting that OP's parents might not want to sell up and move into a nice equity-releasing communal arrangement on the understanding that the equity released is for the children to go to private school, but.... If it pleases you!

Best to be thankful for what you have instead of wasting time dwelling on what you have not.
It could be a whole lot worse, I'm sure.

My old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat

He can't afford the school fees
However hard he works
He really isn't trying
Like all the other jerks

Oh...my old man's a dustman etc

*I've had an idea for a reality TV show that I think could be a massive hit. It would work like 'wife swap' but instead of swapping wives, two schools, one academically successful private school could swap all its pupils for the pupils of the local scumsack comprehensive, and then we could film what happens in classrooms over the next few months.

It'd be amazing to see all those private school teachers work their magic with massive classes full of disaffected teenagers from the local estates.*

I LOVE that idea!!!