Private schools - want to shout IT'S NOT FAIR!

[Yermina]

Went to PIL last night and heard all about sil's children's school. One of her boys is already attending a fantastic private school. Just found out his two brothers have also got places at very good private schools.

In the mean time my dc's are in classes of 31 at the local state school. My youngest needs additional support (sn) but isn't statemented (diagnosed but no statement) so doesn't get it. SIL's middle child has got into a mainstream private school that has outstanding support for children with dyslexia, which he's been diagnosed with. And will be in classes of 18.

Our middle ds is musically talented but there is really poor provision for music teaching at his state school and very few children there are learning an instrument. We struggle to pay for music lessons for him outside school.

Is it wrong of me to feel eaten up with jealousy and anger at the unfairness of a school system which privileges the children of well-off people so openly and seemingly without anyone else seeing it as something that's wrong or deeply, deeply unfair?

How would you explain to a group of children: you lot over here will have XXXX spent on your education, and lots of opportunity to develop your talents, and you lot over there will have about half as much spent on you, and will have much less attention from the teacher because there'll be twice as many of you in the class. Oh, and you kids with sn or specific gifts - unless your parents have money, you probably won't get the help you need to thrive educationally.

I know it's the way the world is but at the moment I feel bitter about it. Really really bitter. And jealous

Every time I go to my PIL's and have to hear about all the amazing thing SIL's dcs are doing at their school, their academic achievements, I want to go home and hide under the duvet and cry.

We'll never, ever be able to afford private education. We'll never be able to afford to move to an area with really good state schools. We'll never be able to get our children into church schools as we're not church goers, and our local grammar schools (2) are bursting at the seams with children from the local private prep schools, who bus their students in to take the 11+ en mass.

It's just so fucking unfair. It really is. I just want to get that off my chest.

That is all.

Tuft, how very kind of you to notice.

And chandon

the worst behaved boy in DD1's state school class was 'asked to leave' the local private school kindergarten.

that's why private schools do better.

FLATBREAD - I like your style!

No friends, living in grotty places and a nagging sense of guilt... fucking hell, there's no private school worth that!

Yermina

Your last post just screams the fact that you are not going to rest until your dc have a private education, so what are you going to do to achieve this? You are not going to change the education system in terms of fairness. Since the first education Bill it has been like this. It isn't all that long ago that the working classes didn't receive an education at all. Now we have moved on and it is available to all. For those who want more than the state can provide they need to go private. I don't understand why you can't see this and do something about it rather than moan. I wasn't happy so I did something about it. Have you considered moving to a cheaper area? Sometimes this is necessary to gain better opportunities. Dh and I moved 300 miles away from family and friends because it was necessary. Our dc spent a lot of time, many years in fact with no extended family. It was a price we had to pay.
No, life isn't fair, nor is it easy, nobody should ever have given you that impression.

"Yermina,

There is more to the UK outside London. Have you or DH seriously explored job opportunities elsewhere?"

No - because this is where our WORK is. My work is almost non-existent outside London, and at 46 it would be hard (read expensive and difficult) for me to retrain. Has it completely passed you by that outside the SE wages are lower and unemployment is MUCH higher

"Do we miss our parents? Of course, there is a constant nagging guilt"

Ok - well, maybe that's the difference. My mum is in her late 70's and is a widow. DH's father is 80 and had a devastating stroke a few years ago. His mother has diabetes, heart disease and depression and is sole carer for his father. They NEED us near by. In other words - it's not just about OUR needs, or our children's needs.

But maybe it's a cultural thing - we value our parents and feel a powerful sense of duty to them. You clearly don't hold your parents in such high regard and are willing to sacrifice the few remaining years of enjoying their company in order to secure a privileged education for your children - a privileged education that will give them an advantage over other children of the same ability who are less expensively educated. But hey ho - that's why some sectors of the population get on much better than others: ruthlessness. Just remember though - your children will watch and learn from you. Just try not to get old and ill OK?

TOSN from what I've seen of the (very well educated) private school kids they don't see themselves as privileged to be there, they just think that's how school is, just as Yermina doesn?t see an SN child as having to have their own room as privileged, just automatically how things are.

Yermina, you can't have it all ways round, I don't think. Of all the things to pick Flatbread up on ... you want that advantage for your children too!

You're educated, you care, you're passionate about your children's chances and their education - don't spend your life and theirs feeling they've got a shitty end of the stick because they're not at some bloody private school.

ok, maybe entitled is a better word than privileged then?

"just as Yermina doesn?t see an SN child as having to have their own room as privileged"

Well we could trade down to a three bedroomed house, but the cost of selling and moving within roughly the same area would cancel out any equity we'd release from the property by trading down in size.

^ how many of these parents would be willing to put in the graft and hours to get to the position where it is possible to afford it?

Not the 'I work hard' brigade again. Like I said upthread, plenty of people work hard but can't afford to send their children to private school. Your children are not there because you work hard but because you are rich. If someone on minimum wage working all the hours God sends in a nursing home were to approach Eton and say "I work hard and therefore would like my child to attend this school" do you think they would be given a place? It's not about hard work; it's about hard cash.

I agree about not abandoning family, family and education are probably our two biggest priorities.

OP, would selling both your and your parents house and buying one together free enough funds which, combined with bursary, would make private education possible?

Yermina I in no way think you shouldn't give your SN child your own room if you can, I'm pointing out that we all have an idea of what is normal or a luxury or a priority.
If I sent my ASD son to the local school we could have loads more things but to us education is his ticket out of here, so it's all focused on that.

Private school children generally do better because the class sizes are smaller, but more importantly because parents take an active role in working with the school and continuing to educate their child when they come home. The good state schools will also have a lot of dedicated parents behind them. The ones that fail are the ones where there are a large group of concentrated group of parents who don't back the school, who don't continue with discipline and who don't continue the education when their child is at home for numerous different reasons. This isn't about private school, it's about parents. Plenty of people play the system by moving house into a good catchment, finding religion all of a sudden, finding the money for private schooling or home schooling. Yes it's unfair on some schools that are failing when people who might be able to make a difference in the longer term to raising the schools standards. But no one in their right mind is going to put their child in a failing school, as a social experiment, if they have a choice.

Oh right, now her parents have to sell their house and bunk up with OP and family to pay for this amazing school? Well, that would certainly have the desired effect of making them wish they'd not gone on and on about how amazing SIL's kids' education was, I guess!

Fwiw I'm in the SE, and the cost per week to send 2 children to private prep school, is less than sending one child to full time private nursery.

"OP, would selling both your and your parents house and buying one together free enough funds which, combined with bursary, would make private education possible?"

DH's parents won't/can't move - DH's dad is really senile and infirm. I think the move would kill him. My mum has done equity release and wouldn't have enough equity in the property to fund such a move. And we wouldn't get a bursary. Most bursary schemes take savings and equity in property into account by the way.

We had to leave our family behind and yes my parents did become frail and need a bit of care. Surely as the OP has a sibling they should be expected to help as well.
Buying something with sale of parents house would be a good idea. So would relocating. With those outgoings I couldn't afford to live, feed the family etc, certainly couldn't spare money for dds music and dancing lessons.
I think it can be more a question of what are we spending, not what are we earning.
The best lesson I ever learned was that of Mr McCawber.

Yermina
Just because we don't live near our parents doesn't mean we don't care! My in-laws in particular would say it is perfectly right to put the needs of the next generation above themselves. You have to come to a decision over who has the greatest need. From what I can see, we are the squeezed generation & I do not think it is fair to ask us to look after our parents generation who let's face it, will be getting a much better pension than we are likely to end up with! If they need care, then surely they can pay for it?
On the other hand, you are telling us how unhappy your children are. Each to their own, but I could not look my child in the face & tell them to stay unhappy because their grandparents are more important!!!
So you live in a bigger house than me, have grandparents on tap & couldn't possibly consider moving out of the south east because it's big & scary out there - but I'm wrong for not putting the grandparents first?

Which one LittleChimney?

I live in the shittiest part of my borough and nursery fees for a full time place are between £600 and £850 a month.

The nearest private prep school charges £800 per month.

Yermina.

How talented at music is your ds?

A decent audition would get him a place boarding at Chets, bursaries available to all and dependant on income. Once your dc is accepted on the same day you have a means tested assessment for a bursary.

SteamingNit, you really are rather amusing.

£800 per month, but only for 8 or 9 months of the year surely?

Oh FGS - you have a flipping 4 bed house within an hours commute of London - shut up with the moaning! There are people up and down the country who'd sell their soul for that.

Can't believe the state schools in your commuter belt area can be that shit either - I bet they are busting at the seams with commuter belt reasonably well off parents who all want the best for their kids.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR - so irritated.