Private schools - want to shout IT'S NOT FAIR!

[Yermina]

Went to PIL last night and heard all about sil's children's school. One of her boys is already attending a fantastic private school. Just found out his two brothers have also got places at very good private schools.

In the mean time my dc's are in classes of 31 at the local state school. My youngest needs additional support (sn) but isn't statemented (diagnosed but no statement) so doesn't get it. SIL's middle child has got into a mainstream private school that has outstanding support for children with dyslexia, which he's been diagnosed with. And will be in classes of 18.

Our middle ds is musically talented but there is really poor provision for music teaching at his state school and very few children there are learning an instrument. We struggle to pay for music lessons for him outside school.

Is it wrong of me to feel eaten up with jealousy and anger at the unfairness of a school system which privileges the children of well-off people so openly and seemingly without anyone else seeing it as something that's wrong or deeply, deeply unfair?

How would you explain to a group of children: you lot over here will have XXXX spent on your education, and lots of opportunity to develop your talents, and you lot over there will have about half as much spent on you, and will have much less attention from the teacher because there'll be twice as many of you in the class. Oh, and you kids with sn or specific gifts - unless your parents have money, you probably won't get the help you need to thrive educationally.

I know it's the way the world is but at the moment I feel bitter about it. Really really bitter. And jealous

Every time I go to my PIL's and have to hear about all the amazing thing SIL's dcs are doing at their school, their academic achievements, I want to go home and hide under the duvet and cry.

We'll never, ever be able to afford private education. We'll never be able to afford to move to an area with really good state schools. We'll never be able to get our children into church schools as we're not church goers, and our local grammar schools (2) are bursting at the seams with children from the local private prep schools, who bus their students in to take the 11+ en mass.

It's just so fucking unfair. It really is. I just want to get that off my chest.

That is all.

Yermina they did that.

Hully - I've overlooked the couple of posts in this thread which seem to suggest that getting rid of one or two of my children might make buying a private education for the one who's left possible.

Tufty - some of us DO appreciate a conscientious speller y'know!

OP - there really isn't anywhere else in the UK your dh could work? Really? We thought that, but after moving to one of the rural offices & changing career paths a bit dh managed to get a position working from home 60% of the time allowing me to work more!
Whether it's worth the move only you can decide. Also depends a lot I suppose on whether you rent or own.
Plenty of places you could commute from if it's a lifestyle you can hack! Always choices though.
Do your parents really need you? I would say it is unfair of them to expect you to give up your lives for them!

Yermina You say private schools are unfair but would you send yours if you could afford it?

Yermina, give up on the private school thing. It sounds like there is no way it is going to happen.

This is going to sound patronising - but start focussing on all the good things. I'm a single mum, I work full-time and one of my DCs has SN. My Dad has advanced cancer & dementia. I could whine on for hours about the injustice of life - but there is no bloody point it achieves nothing.

I don't give a toss if other kids have more spent on their education, because I know that when the door closes on my life, I'll be able to say I couldn't have done more.

So, stop telling us all the reasons you can't do stuff & tell us all the things you can do. Have a think about if you could move to a slightly cheaper area - that wouldn't be too far from your parents or extend your DH's commute. Could you extend your mortgage or switch to interest only for a bit. Could you rent out your own house & rent a smaller house while you have a think about what to do next. Have a think about maybe re-jigging your own work to either earn more or not have to be out of the house the minute your DH gets home. Work with the school to get a statement for your SN DC. Have a look at what music groups play in your area & see if your musical DC could join in. Maybe you could find a school that has a Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme & see if one of the young people there would considering doing volunteer music teaching. Have you thought about selling things on ebay to raise some money. Given you & your DH are so well qualified, could you think about maybe trading some tutoring to get your DS music lessons.

yy ubik. It is about far more than the school itself.

Even just work experience is a breeze when every parent is lawyer/vet/doctor/editor etc etc. I met some extrememly useful people during my brief sojourn and quickly learnt that having a coffee = furious networking and advantage seeking.

Yermina It's lovely of you to notice. I do love a homophone or too. Imagine if I'd gone private, I'd probably be Head of the World.

Right. Now as well as "better not born than privately educated" we've got "abandon fail, elderly parents in order to privately educate"!!!!!

yermina, leave a kid or two out for the binmen, they can sell them on and finance mandarin lessons and you can afford to send your remaining one!

Everyone's a winner.

Think outside the box, people.

"Like I said before, if both parents are working, even in lowly paid jobs, they can scrape to send one child to a private school. (Will probably get bursary help too, but even without that, they can scrape by)"

What - while they live in a tent on Wandsworth Common, and eat out of dustbins?

According to the charity Shelter, a family in London need an income of £52K a year to afford pay rent on a 2 bedroom flat and to cover their other living costs. According to you most people on this salary should be able to find a spare 12K a year for school fees too.

Yermina, his name was Pierre, he was a bright black lad who'd got sucked into trouble and was truanting a lot. he got sent to stay with a black middle class family and a really posh school and did really well and got offered a permanant place, but he went back to see his mum, ran into some of the estate gang and and got lured back in.

It's very hard to swap the what you know failure with reasons and back up, for the unknown might be a whole new life but you don't know if it will be better.

Could you make disguises for your children so they all look the same? Pay for one of them to go to private school and rotate them. DC1 on Monday, DC2 Tuesday etc

"Yermina You say private schools are unfair but would you send yours if you could afford it?"

Of course I would - because my dc's are unhappy and are not having their needs met where they are. Obviously I'd prefer them to have their needs met in the state sector.

However, what I'm not saying is "LIFE is unfair! Suck it up! Stop being jealous! You don't work hard enough! You just need to stop buying newspapers and coffees and then you can AFFORD private education!"

I'm bemoaning the inequalities in the educational system that make life unfair for so many children. Other people who either have their children in private schools, or would like to, actually seem to RELISH these inequalities and think they are not only FAIR, but a GOOD THING (probably because they see themselves and their children as 'winners', and for there to be 'winners', there also have to be 'losers'). It's a pretty unedifying sight.

Just for Hully.

Yes, we are here for 80 plus years[70] and I want the best for my family.

I have been very fortunate, I was raised in privilege and have had many wonderful opportunities presented to me.

The fact that I also worked from 7am-11pm 6 days a week for years and often went into the office on Sundays as well, let's leave it out. Also, the factoid that, greedily, I acquired 2 degrees. Not important, clearly.

My husband on the other hand, has worked himself up to the top of his industry from very modest beginnings.
He swore that no child of his will ever have to endure the dull boredom and mind numbing mediocrity of state education. He wasn't lucky with the quality of teaching in his school. or so it seems. He lived in libraries and practically educated himself.

Our children go to private school and we are absolutely delighted with it.
Is it unfair that not every parent can have a choice of sending their children to similar school?
Absolutely.
However, how many of these parents would be willing to put in the graft and hours to get to the position where it is possible to afford it?
The ones who are willing, do.

The tragic thing here is the fact that the quality of state education varies wildly across the country. Now that's unfair.

I love that 'raising the bar' crap! Its hilarious... ANY school, anywhere could massively improve results by SELECTING their pupils. Who doesn't understand that?

This is the reason most faith schools do so well, its because those that are oversubscribed select their pupils by the back door. I have a massive problem with state faith schools because my taxes pay for them and my children are excluded from them. How is that fair?

Let people pay to keep their little darlings away from the riff raff, that's up to them (I would rather my children were able to mix happily with anyone), but why should my child's choice of school be narrower than the Catholic, CofE or Muslim child next door?
Sorry I am repeating myself, but it does bother me!

The problem with commuting is you have to pay for it. Which is fine if it comes with a manager's salary, harder on a dustman's.

Laughs at Shelter! I think they mean people who work for them not people they help. Do you seriously think most London cleaners and binmen are on 52K

god miranda if we're talking about drugs I think public schools are probably the worst offenders on a pro rata basis!

Fax, do you mean that private school kids do better because their parents are wealthier? So are rich kids smarter? i don t think so.

Only a few private schools select on academic ability, most " select" on wether the parents can pay the fees. This does not make kids automatically more able, does it? Or do you think private schools do better ( if they do) because they have better material to work with

No way

Hully sometimes there is a touch of Dennis Skinner about you

Wow! You did work hard rollmop well done! Such long hours. 6 days a week? I take my hat off.

Also it's in the interests of private schools to demonise the state sector, to subtly suggest to parents that the comprehensive down the road is a one way ticket to the hypodermic highway.

But there is a contradiction - as seeker pointed out.

The children at the comp down the road will perhaps one day educate your grandchildren. They will one day perhaps save your life - that fake blonde, orange makeup, Uggboot wearing girl will quietly and calmly talk you through keeping a loved one alive while ensuring a ambulance is on its way. Or that boy wearing a hoodie will one day cut you out of your car wreckage and keep reassuring you.

It's in all our interests to ensure state education is the best it can be - sorry for being pompous.

Yermina,

There is more to the UK outside London. Have you or DH seriously explored job opportunities elsewhere?

You seem to have a really defeatist attitude.

Dh and I are both well-off, but we have moved across three continents and numerous cities following our educational and work opportunities. Never let the 'buts' hold us back.

Do we miss our parents? Of course, there is a constant nagging guilt. Despite earning over six figures, we have stayed in grotty places. Because we knew there was a purpose to our choices. We have very few friends or a support circle because of the amount we travel and relocate. We save one income a year. Because that is our priority.

If you want to send three children to private school, you need to earn £50k and use your income solely for education. And live within your dh's salary. If that means a two bed flat, then so be it. Your rent, council tax and utility bills will go down accordingly. Give up sky and mobiles, if you cannot afford them.

Chandon it's surely obvious that a school full of children - even in those private schools which have no entrance test at all - whose parents have chosen and paid for that school, and are therefore committed to and supportive of that education; where the children already feel priveliged to be their and know that they're the 'lucky' 7%, will get better results? And that's even without the fact that the private schools with the best results certainly do select academically as well.