WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

You got pneumonia before Christmas? Your body still won't be healed from having that and he is still letting you run around? And he moans at what you feed him? And does bugger all but play computer games all day? And drinks like a sodding fish? If he's coming to bed at 2.30am then there'll not be much going on in the bedroom, other than him snoring.

You will get pneumonia again if you don't stop. My ex did when he didn't heed the doctor's warning about various things. And it was much worse 2nd time around.

If your dp isn't willing to stop sulking like a little boy and pull his finger out for the woman and child he loves then chuck him out. You will still be running around (but less I reckon) and it will all be on your terms.

He won't eat frozen food? Not even 'real' food, cooked - by him? - and put in the freezer?

I think you are having your chain yanked here catgirl.

FWIW my DH also struggles with depression but has set up his own business post being made redundant twice in 3 years. Each time business is slow he picks himself up to go and find another project. It is only an excuse because your DH lets it be one.

If you are working FT and he is not working at all, he should be doing most (if not ALL) of the things you are currently doing - shopping, cooking, laundry etc.

What the fuck does he do all day while your LO is at his grandparents?

Good post Claire.

"but he won't eat frozen food, drinks at least one and a half bottles of wine a night and comes to bed at about two thirty am"
Sorry, but if he won't go food shopping or cook, then he can either eat whatever is put in front of him or starve. I'd treat him like a toddler on that point, because he is acting like one. The wine - stop buying the stuff in, that is really not good. Or is buying wine the one household task he will do?

he's drinking far too much. this will contribute to him not being able to get up before 10 fucking 30

Gosh. If I was you OP, I'd prepare dinner for myself and DS, but not him. Do laundry for yourself and DS, but not him, etc. If he says anything, then ask him how often he does those things.

The Wednesday pattern has to change right away. Take your DS up to him and hand him over to DP at 6.30 and he will have to get up. I would be threatening a mug of cold water over the head if he didn't shift himself. It is awful that your need to work isn't respected and your DP who's IN THE HOUSE isn't looking after your child. I'm sure it's also nice to all go to the park together but I bet you don't enjoy as much as you would do if you'd got some solid work done that morning. Tell DP that unless he properly takes DS by himself for the morning / afternoon blocks you will not be going to the park and he will have to do that himself. I can imagine it might be nice to still go as a break if you were able to have a proper working day around it.

Ah have seen now someone's thought of a way to sort Wednesdays. Good. But he still needs to be up when you are or close to then. I would stop buying the wine, since it doesn't sound like he would make the effort to get him himself.

OK, so is depressed. Surely he knows that being isolated, drinking far too much, not working, spending hours playing video games is all wrong and bad for him. It's like a diabetic sitting around eating doughnuts all day.

He needs to take over Wednesday from you. You say he's good with DS. I would be a fantastic mother if I did only one full day a week (not even including the wake up).

If he can buy wine, he can food shop. unless you wine shop too, in which case, STOP.

I like you as a poster too. Imagine what you would say to yourself on this thread...

Has he been to the doctor about his depression?

I'm afraid it sounds like you may need to give him an ultimatum, if only to give him a kick up the bum. Either he makes an effort- gets help, counselling/meds, lifestyle changes, or he will have to move out.

I actually think it's probably the most loving thing for him, and certainly the best thing for you and DS. It won't be good for him to grow up with such a miserable father :(

And it goes without saying that this situation is completely unsustainable for you. You have coped for long enough.

He isn't so depressed that he can't bark orders or play on his computer though.

Think this is used at times as an excuse for people who are just lazy.

Before you all jump on me, I have been depressed and am still on my tablets and it was hard enough to get dressed, let alone play games, bark orders or take my DS out

You can't make him change. It has to come from him. What you can do is decide how you want to live your life. Personally, I'd rather not have the added stress of a worse than useless husband. And he is worse than useless because he creates extra work for you.

I am marking my place so I can write a proper post once ds is at school.

This can't continue. You are enabling his selfish behaviour.

How can you possibly get ANYTHING from this marriage? No emotional support, no domestic help, barely any child are support, no money.

So he is depressed? Has he actually been to the GO? Got counselling? Taking drugs? Made lifestyle changes? No? Sounds more like he is just a lazy selfish useless twat.

LTB

Wow. I'd DROWN him, let alone leave him.

If he is going to be the SAHP, then he will have to do considerably more than what he is doing at the moment. I stay at home, but noone else has to lift a finger to clean, cook, shop and so on. If my husband came home from work to find no shopping in, no food and the house not clean, he would not be best pleased, and as much as I hate to say it, rightly so.

I left my ex for less.

When my ex finally got a job, a year after I left him, a colleague of his (who happens to be a friend of mine) asked him why he hadn't worked in so long.

His answer was that he had everything he needed provided, so why should he.

Never mind the fact I was stressed and run ragged and didn't have anything left at the end of a 12 hour day to be able to enjoy time with the kids.

My life is much improved since I left him. I suspect yours would too. For one thing, you wont have to clear up his mess too.

If you told him to go OP, HE would be better off. He'd get benefits for a start and he'd have to leave the house to go and sign on, and tell THEM what he was doing to get a job.

YOU would be better off.

25% discount on your Council Tax for Single Occupancy for a start.
1.5 bottles of wine, at say £7 each per day is more or less £300 a MONTH
Add to this the takeaways, cos he won't cook, the leccy he uses that wouldn't need to be spent if you and DS were out working/at nursery, the food etc.

Just on his WINE money you could afford to put DS in FT nursery for the days you are working. But you have your DM, who I am sure would help out far better than your current 'arrangement'

Even on paper this relationship doesn't have any reward/benefit/point.

You need to draw up a list of things that need doing, insist that he provides ALL meals, and he gets up and takes care of DS on the days you are working at home, and alternates getting up in the mornings with you.

If he balks at this, tell him it needs to end and that he needs to find somewhere else to live, as his meal ticket just exprired.

Any man that doesn't modify his behaviour while watching his wife succumb to Pneumonia is not one that you stay with.

He is a dud, he wants to be like this, and you can't afford it, financially, emotionally or psychologically.

Havnt read the whole thread but my DH does way more than yours and he works FT and I am the SAHM bar a couple of evenings bar work. I would love to put the baby in nursery ad spend all day watching tv and soon no housework/cooking/cleaning etc but in real life that isn't an option,
I would say to DH either get a job to pay for a cleaner/ nursery on a wed/ food deliveries or do it himself.

I would suggest that you take DS out if nursery, stop working from home on a Weds, and have DH look after DS those days (by all means keep his day with grandma), win win financially, for your job and for DH, if this is the main thing that gets him going and involved and happy.

stop paying for the wine, if he wants to drink every night he can go out and earn the money to do so.

Is it at all likely that he will go to his GP and talk about his depression?

I think there is more to this than you merely enabling him, though the no frozen food and no housework is just bullshit on his part. If he spends more time looking after DS then fair enough he doesn't do all the housework - he would still need to contribute far more than he is now.

I hope you slept OK, catgirl.