Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

369 replies

catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 20:14

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: Hmm "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op Hmm

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/01/2013 22:37

Why is he in bed until 10.30??? What kind of arsehole is this guy? He does fuck all on a Tuesday - because your DS is in childcare and then seemingly it is you that does the housework and the cooking. So why the actual fuck does he get to stay in bed all morning like a sodding teenager?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 28/01/2013 22:39

This is getting worse and worse. If I were your boss I would be livid. Does your dh want to lose his only source of income?

If you add up the hours you spend doing jobs you will probably have more than a week.

You are going to end up burning out and hat is not good for you or your son. Please please please do something to help yourself out of this rut

Notoutorabout · 28/01/2013 22:39

And. You have to stop the trying to juggle work and child at the same time.
It is a total recipe for stress and disaster, you cannot possibly do both simultaneously.

RubyrooUK · 28/01/2013 22:42

Ah, I'm also a coper Catgirl. Smile

I'm always the person that people go "oh I can't believe you work full time in such a stressful job and have a toddler and you always make time for people....etc".

But in recent years I have realised that in coping all the time, sometimes you disable other people from stepping up. And it's nice not to cope alone all the time.

You say your DH has a real spark when caring for your DS. That's because that is a proper job. It makes him feel good because on that day he is not a failed graphic designer who plays computer games in his pants - he has a role and is massively needed.

I think if your DH is not just an arse (and you obviously love him) then maybe he is depressed. Or he simply is opting out of life because he feels like everyone is sorting things out without him needing to be involved.

If you have organised your parents and nursery to look after DS and do it yourself when working from home, maybe he doesn't feel like there is much of a role for him. On Friday, when he is needed, it works better. (I'm not saying that this is good behaviour, by the way, just trying to understand.)

CheCazzo · 28/01/2013 22:45

Of all the posters that I'm familiar with, and enjoy reading, I have to say you'd be the absolute last I'd expect to see in this situation OP.
I hope the responses here have at least given you a nudge in the right direction - quite apart from your own well-being you can't allow DS to grow up seeing this and thinking it's ok?
Will follow your progress with interest - and Good Luck

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/01/2013 22:45

But Ruby - he is needed on Wednesday, to look after his child while his wife works to keep him in Xbox games, underpants to wear while playing, snacks to consume while playing and electricity to allow his technology to work.

But instead he lies in bed and only provides brief interludes of childcare when she is actually on a phone call.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 22:47

Oh god I don't mean to sound like I diss SAHPS I must come over all wrong. Looking after children is hard work. The hardest and done well the most valuable thing you can do. You can quote me on that if I'm ever coming across differently. I just think what I do is too hard and wrong. I like working, I think there's value in it but I don't think SAHPS have got it easy. (Unless you have school age children, unlimited funds, a live in nanny and a helpful DH, in which case I'm just jealous)

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 28/01/2013 22:48

Why the bloody hell are you looking after your ds when you are supposed to be working and your dh is lounging around doing fuck all? Honestly I despair of people sometimes, the shit they put up with.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 22:50

Oh god I don't mean to sound like I diss SAHPS I must come over all wrong. Looking after children is hard work. The hardest and done well the most valuable thing you can do. You can quote me on that if I'm ever coming across differently. I just think what I do is too hard and wrong. I like working, I think there's value in it but I don't think SAHPS have got it easy. (Unless you have school age children, unlimited funds, a live in nanny and a helpful DH, in which case I'm just jealous)

OP posts:
HandbagCrab · 28/01/2013 22:51

Awh cat :( You're doing amazing well. As I keep saying to anyone that would listen to me, I'd have had a nervous breakdown by now if I'd had to work full time with ds. And I am a coper too so you must be a super coper :)

I couldn't live with a man who couldn't see past himself to help me and my ds. My dh is our high flyer and I'm sat in my pants but I couldn't let him run himself into the ground to enable me to sit on my arse.

Best of luck. Maybe if you could get a few nights good sleep (I keep wistfully looking at premier inns) you might be able to think a bit more clearly.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 22:53

Handbag! I do that too. :). Given its a fantasy, why are we not gazing whistfully at 5 star beds?

OP posts:
ImagineJL · 28/01/2013 22:55

What I don't understand is, if he's good with DS, plays well with him and comes alive on Fridays, wouldn't it do your DH good to have him on Tues and Thurs too? Wouldn't it make him happy? And it would save you money.

DaisyDoodle · 28/01/2013 22:56

Give him the Annabelle Karmel cookbook and tell him to stock up the freezer!

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 22:57

Ths

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 28/01/2013 22:59

Also, if he's good with DS-why isn't he looking after him whilst you work from home?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 28/01/2013 23:01

Catgirl, please switch things so that your mum or nursery has DS when you are working from home then DH can have two days with DS alone which seems to work for him.

A small step that's not too hard? If he was with your mum, you could maybe meet her and DS for lunch.

Or wake DH up at 6:30 or whenever and go and shut yourself in the room you work in, but that might be header.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 28/01/2013 23:01

Header=harder

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/01/2013 23:01

catgirl - I completely agree that what you do is too hard and wrong, it really is totally wrong.
You are doing an awful lot of what I do, plus what my DH does all by yourself! And the resulting delta in hours is being used up by your DP playing computer games.

Where is your bottom line in all this? At what point will you say enough is enough even if he refuses to change?

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 23:02

This may make the thread implode, but he won't eat frozen food, drinks at least one and a half bottles of wine a night and comes to bed at about two thirty am. He is depressed. He has stuggled with depression since I met him but had been great for years since losing his job.

I forgot to mention I am also doing a masters level professional qualification and a pt law degree. Although I may put the law degree on hold because I just can't cope. I got pneumonia just before Christmas which I think is because I am so tired.

I'm going to sleep now as my last post has just made me feel like pulling the duvet over my head and staying there :)

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 23:04

Doctrine that's a great idea about

the two days. Ds is good for him, it will be easier for me and ds lives his days with his daddy

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 23:04

No implosion here

Just a wry shake of the head and a "that's not so unexpected" response

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 23:05

Loves. Not lives. Stupid phone.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 28/01/2013 23:05

Aww , catgirl, sleep well.

Have you tried COOK? Frozen food but cooked in small kitchens, tastes "real" etc?

ClaireDeTamble · 28/01/2013 23:07

I don't normally post on these types of threads, but bloody hell catgirl you need to sort this out.

If your DH is not looking for work but does enjoy looking after your son, why don't you formalise his SAHP role? Effectively take off the pressure that he 'should' be looking for a job and make his focus the home.

Take DS out of nursery - maybe just the one day to start with and get your DH looking after him. Stop the getting up at 10:30 during the week - he needs to be up at the same time as you, or at the very least within 30 minutes of you getting up.

The Wednesday nonsense needs to stop - he should be looking after him. Go to the park together at lunchtime by all means, but during the rest of the day he needs to be in charge of DS. Is it really worth risking your job over given you are the only wage earner - what happens if you make a critical mistake in your work because you are distracted by DS or if your boss gets wind that you aren't doing the amount of work you should be?

If it is difficult for your DH to get into the new routine of a Wednesday could you stop working at home for that day for a few weeks.

As for the domestic stuff, write down what needs doing and split it appropriately. He should really be doing the cooking while you are at work during the week and probably the shopping as well. He should also be keeping the house relatively tidy - on top of dishes etc. The rest of the chores, cleaning etc should be split equally.

It sounds like he needs some kind of purpose - the more you do, the more he will rely on it and the lazier he will become. I know this because my DH does more than his fair share around the house and it makes me lazy. I'm trying to pull myself out of it, but it sounds like your DH needs more of a push to do it.

snoopdogg · 28/01/2013 23:09

...............shhhhhhhh

Has she gone to sleep?

Can we nip round and 'remove' him?

Effing twunt.