WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

Catgirl, I am sorry to see that this is your life. You may love dh to bits but he can't love you with the same depth etc if he is prepared to see you run yourself ragged. Really he doesn't. Like you i have a "high powered" job but one of the main reasons for my continued success at this level is that dh does his share (sometimes i moan its not 50/50 but its nothing on your scale, which is 95/5 by the looks of it, and i am being generous). quite frankly we share the pain of dc2 he doesn't like to sleep and the impact that has on our lives. I just couldn't imagine doing it all alone. I really couldn't.

Pre- meeting dh I was in a relationship with a cocklodger. I read a great book that challenged me on two levels. First, it asked whether I would be proud to have a ds with him that was exactly like him. The horror as I realised that the answer was hell no, basically brought me to my senses. I would challenge you to ask yourself the same question. Do you really want your ds to grow up and be just like his dad in his consideration of others? Would you want a future dd learning that this is appropriate and emulating this in her relationships?

Second, the book described successful relationships as two person row boats with each person with their oar. This was a powerful visual for me as I realised that do had stopped rowing and was happy for me to do all the work. Sometimes there will be a short period where one of you rows harder than the other. 18 months is a permanent feature. When I stopped enabling him, things fell apart quit quickly. Sometimes you do get men that are happy to get the benefits of a high powered partner while being disrespectful because actually underneath it all, they resent you. This sounds like your situation.

I am not saying ltb. I am saying that this is not right, it's not sustainable for you, and nothing will ever change while you continue to enable his behaviour and the status quo.

Bloody hell, OP-you poor thing. I can't see how you have any respect for him left.

I'd call his bluff-say you're exhausted and you can't do it alone anymore. Say you're giving up work and it's his turn to provide for you. Say that you will be having 4 days off child-free each week and he can cook, clean, shop, pay the bills and work full time whilst you watch Jeremy Kyle-it's your turn to have a rest.

Catgirl, I think the reason it's got this far is that you're an amazingly capable and hard working woman. So you naturally step up and sort things out.

But ultimately this does your DH no good either. Being a SAHP is a real, hard, rewarding job that people are proud of for good reason. He's decided not to do that role - except one day a week - in favour of spending his days playing computer games. That can't even be a treat any more for him really.

Genuine question: do you think he's been depressed since losing his job?

Some great advice on here and some great posts. And catgirl you've another admirer coming out of the woodwork over here.

He is taking advantage. Please do your spreadsheet and come back and tell us how it went! anything with spreadsheets excites me yes I am a sad accountant

^'I like the spreadsheet idea btw

I think he really doesn't realise how skewed things are.'^

I'm sorry but unless he has some sort of learning difficulties he doesn't need a spreadsheet. You are simply pandering to him by even suggesting he deserves you waste any more of your time in creating one! Don't you have enough to do already?

Tell him he has a month to find a job, otherwise you'll stop outsourcing the childcare and he can start acting like a parent. And he can start dealing with the laundry and the cooking as well. Even the laziest SAHP can cope with those tasks if you have a cleaner as well to do the real shit-work!

I would of said fuck off you selfish bastard and leave him a nice list of all the things you want done or he looses his computer time, if he gonna act like a child then treat him like a child.

Has anyone recommended reading Wifework yet? Putting it into a political context might strengthen your resolve to deal with it.

I've just asked him if he's happy. I said:

"Because DH you can't be happy. I dpn't mean with me and DS, but with your life. Because this isn't a life. This can't be what you want from life. You can't be happy like this. And it puts too much pressure on me. You need some friends, you need a job, you need a life outside of this room and this PC. And you are not happy. And I am not happy. And DS will grow up seeing is not happy."

He hasn't said much in response, but I think it's a start and whenever we talk he withdraws, says very little, but then later (probably tomorrow) will be ready to talk properly.

The idea of my dh spending his time playing computer games is both hilarious and pathetic.

This man sounds worse than useless.

I'm off to bed now as I'm shattered but I've got a lot to think about

Thank you all again

OP this is all wrong. I am 31 weeks pregnant and I am on doctor's orders to rest because of 2 hospital admissions for threatened prem labour. For this reason I have started my mat leave early but DS is still going to nursery 4 days a week. Hence I currently have the same childcare burden as your DH.

I am resting as much as possible but today I still:

• got up at 4am with DS as DH had work today;
• got up with DS, gave him breakfast, got him washed and dressed and took him to nursery;
• went to the shops for some bits we needed;
• tidied the house from top to bottom;
• washed up, unloaded and loaded dishwasher and wiped all round kitchen;
• cooked tea;
• helped DH with bathtime (I am not allowed to lift DS in or out of the bath) and got DS into bed.

I spent much of the rest of the time playing computer games for something to do.

If I can do all this with my current limitations, then your DH can start lifting a finger in the house.

Did he act upset when you said this, OP? Or angry? Hurt? I just can't work out how he thinks this is an acceptable way to treat someone he loves. Hopefully, he is feeling extremely ashamed and embarrased.

If you kick him out then he's got a massive lifestyle change to get used to but it really wouldn't have any detrimental impact on your life if he wasn't there. You have childcare sorted, you do everything around the house anyway and you pay all the bills. It would just cut down on laundry and the house would probably be as you left it when you come home from work. What exactly does he offer the house currently? Unless he's shit hot in bed!? Tbh-there's no way I could bring myslef to sleep with someone who was so rude.

Or would he just back and live with his mum...?

catgirl I hope you realise why you are exhausted - it's all the parenting "extras" that add up: new clothes needed/pay nursery/research behavioural issue/decide what food DC should be having/vitamins? Blah blah.

Other MNers have told you this needs to change but how do you get there?

Surely someone on a previous thread linked to the book Wifework.

Sorting out the fair share/the relationship issues is also wife work...

Can you get a babysitter for you to go to counselling together? Or DH for himself?

If you want to schedule out who does what don't reinvent the wheel see this great tool. ( from Equally Shared Parenting website)

You need more energy so you can sort this. Can you afford more help - eg get cleaners in twice a week get them to change beds and towels - do the ironing. Ocado delivery pass. App on your phone.

Can you learn to drive so DH is not hanging around while you shop?

Is DH claiming job seekers? He would need to get off computer to sign on.

What does your DM think of the status quo?

What does DH do with DC on Friday? How do the Wednesdays at home work?

Last thought I've seen you describe your DH as SAHD - he's not is he? He is unemployed and not actively seeking work.

I do think Roobyroo's point is a good one

I always bloody cope

At work, at home, growing up

Everyone always says "Oh Cat, you're always fine. Nothing bothers you. You coped with x and y, you never bat an eyelid, nothing phases you, blah, blah, blah". My family always come to me with stuff, my work pile more and more on and I smile, crack a funny joke and come up with the goods.

And I've become this person who does everything and copes with everything and it still funny and laid back and happy, so people think it's fine.

I have made the roddiest of rods.

You could so be talking about my OH catgirl! And I too have told him to fuck off once tonight already!

Can you get a babysitter for you to go to counselling together? Or DH for himself?

Yes. DPs are great, loves DS and would probably think counselling would be a great idea.

You need more energy so you can sort this. Can you afford more help - eg get cleaners in twice a week get them to change beds and towels - do the ironing. Ocado delivery pass. App on your phone.

Yes, I could get the cleaners to come a bit more often.

Can you learn to drive so DH is not hanging around while you shop?

I know not being able to drive is pathetic but I just don't see how I would fit it in. Plus its more bloody money. I earn good money but it has to keep 3 of us and I am shite with it.

Is DH claiming job seekers? He would need to get off computer to sign on.

He doesn't qualify due to my income and not paying enough NI

What does your DM think of the status quo?

Horrified, worried sick but tries not to interfere

What does DH do with DC on Friday? How do the Wednesdays at home work?

He takes him to the park, soft play etc, they do lego, building blocks, wrestle, go for walks. DS is the only thing that gives DH any spark. Wednesdays are hard as I end up working and looking after DS and doing both badly

I really am off to bed now :) I can barely see!

Hang on, you are looking after DS whilst you work from home?
Why is that?

I'm not meant to be

But the reality is DS gets up at 6:30, and I get up with him and look after him and work and DH gets up around 10:30

I managed to work and look after DS between 6:30 and nap time, get some solid work done when he naps, then juggle work and DS again till nap time, and then juggle a bit more

If my boss phones DH will take him and we usually both take him to the park at lunchtime but it's bloody hard trying to do a big pay modelling exercise and read Oh No George.

Any chance you can get a babysitter and go out with DH for a meal or just a drink or even just go for a drive so you can have a chat about everything without the DC around?

I feel for you. I have a similarly full-on job, and know how knackering it can be.

Your say your ds is 14months. So pretty soon, he will be picking up on the role models around him. Which, if your DH is spending his time on computer games/ sitting back while you do 100% of the house, is not going to be all that healthy.

What do you want him to see? Two happy, fulfilled, busy-if-knackered parents, sharing things equally? Or an exhausted mum, who does it all, and an unhappy and idle dad? It's not easy when you work FT, but there has to be a better balance - for all your sakes.

What the fuck - you look after DS while you work, and he does what - plays games?

I would respectfully suggest that your husband does not love you, not in the way that he should.

I now understand why you give SAHM(P) a hard time on threads sometimes. Because you are assuming that we are all lazy twats lounging around waiting for the working parent to come home and take over.

But genuinely, I think my DH does more with our children and in terms of pitching in with tidying/cooking etc at the weekends than your DH does in a whole week.
If you are prepared to put up with it then more fool you. He is taking you for a ride, and all this 'oh poor silly little DH, he genuinely doesn't realise' is a load of bollocks. As is the idea that you are 50% to blame for the situation.