WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

Thank you all

Some of these posts have made me cry for being so lovely

I think most people who know me IRL would also be very shocked at what my home situation has become as I am really not the sort of person you would expect to put up with this sort of stuff. It doesn't make sense to me either tbh. I don't look like a victim outside of the him IYSWIM

Bunny If I've been a twat to you on a thread, I'm sorry. I can be a times, although I rarely mean it. I'm passionate about a few issues and I have a sarcastic streak a mile wide. I'm glad the fact I'm miserable at home will make you feel better. Every cloud and all that. :)

I do love DH to bits. He wasn't always like this and I don't think it's calculated or malicious, just a mixture of depression, laziness and a big slice of enabling from me. I'm as much to blame as he is.

I will talk to him. He just came in and said "What?" and I said "I was expecting you to apologise tbh. You spoke to me like shit earlier. I'm tired and I'm doing everything. You are doing nothing except play computer games and it isn't ok. This has to change."

Hopefully it will although I can't imagine it will be instant

Thank you for letting me rant and being very lovely vipers

Yes I agree with MrsOakenshield, I don't think it is a SAHP's role to essentially be about creating domestic utopia for the person who is going out to work because OBVIOUSLY that is a lot more taxing! However, yes, he is taking the piss! It is unnecessary for you to bust a gut when he is available - even if your mum still had your child he could use the day to sort out things domestically!

I'm a SAHP and on my knees with exhaustion as it is all falling on my shoulders at the moment because DP works until late and then continues studying into the night at work, he also goes in most weekends to work and study- always 1 day, sometimes both. This means I have to literally do everything and often don't stop until he gets in about 10pm. My DD who is 2 has only slept through the night 3 times and my DS only started to sleep through a year ago at 4 years old so i'm hugely sleep deprived but we're working towards a common goal which is DP being a qualified Architect by next year. Tbh the efforts and tiredness is distributed fairly as DP is never here and of course he'd like to be.

I like the spreadsheet idea btw

I think he really doesn't realise how skewed things are. That might work

YWNBU to tell him to f* himself. I'm surprised you haven't said it before now.
I think it is difficult to change embedded roles and I can appreciate why that seems impossible. To anyone else, I'd suggest maybe seeing a counsellor to work through how this has happened and where you want to go from here . . .but, honestly, I don't have any idea how you'd be able to fit a counsellor into your packed schedule.
For your sake and your ds' you have to change something. You're going to run yourself into the ground, and your ds will grow up with no idea how to have a relationship built on respect and love. I hope you work something out soon.

Your dignity is shining through in that post, Catgirl. Now USE IT in your life and get this situation changed: you deserve so much more that he is currently giving you.

The very best of luck in getting him to see the error of his lazy arsed ways. I really hope he sits up and takes note and does something about it.

The situation is untenable.

Show him this thread, catgirl.

What was his response to what you said to him just now, OP?

Yeah...show him this thread. I never say that. Ever.

He ought to know how the world views his contribution to it.

I don't think people are having a go at catgirl for not living up to anything. I'm certainly not, I don't have a random set of expectations for people I talk to online

I think people are concerned when they see someone living such a needlessly miserable existence, especially when it's someone they "know". I don't think anyone should stand for this kind of life, trudging through while their partner does naff all. She deserves better, whoever she might be.

Crikey Moses.

Isn't he ashamed to be like this? Even a little bit?

How can you look at him?

Just awful.

Good evening all
Here's a handy Monday Night Link to our guidelines
Be super grateful if you'd have a look if you're not clear of what's what.

OP sorry to hear that your DP is being a pita do let us know if you'd prefer us to move this thread out of AIBU and into our relationships topic, won't you?
Thanks
MNHQ

You seriously think he doesn't realise how imbalanced things are? It's just not possible. You love who he used to be, or an image you had of him in the past. Don't let that blind you to what he's like now.

His response was

"I tidied the kitchen"

I said "Yes. But that would have taken 10 minutes out of your whole day. You didn't wash up. You didn't tidy any other room. You didn't sort out dinner and you didn't look for a job. You just played computer games. It's all you do and it's not ok anymore"

At which he huffed off to play computer games

But I think, later, he will want to talk this through and will be processing it now.

Thank you Olivia :)

I will let you know, although nearly everyone is being very helpful and kind, but I will bear that offer in mind it is becomes clear this isn't the best place.

Hope my thread hasn't given you too many problems

Jesus Christ cat, you're one of the strongest funniest most together people on here - don't let this happen.

I'll post more later, but don't fall into holding it all together while he doesn't put any effort in, you deserve and can have better woman.

He sounds like a right lazy bastard. you NEED to stop enabling it.

basically, c-numbers, you're living alone. with an expensive lodger. glad you're going to do something about that. even if you won't consider ltb.

How are your finances arranged? Do you both have access to a joint account? I wonder what would happen if he couldn't access any money?

I would give a list or stuff that needs to happen on a day to day basis. I would be sad to feel the need to even do this, but nevertheless, a list. When he has mastered that, I would have a plan allowing job seeking time, childcare time, house stuff time and me time. And if he can't manage that, well it would like facilitated an overgrown child who should swiftly directed in bedsit direction.

I disagree with a list tbh.
I doubt he's a fool. He knows what needs doing already. Tell him to get the fuck on and do it!

Even I would see that as a spare room offence.