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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

369 replies

catgirl1976 · 28/01/2013 20:14

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: Hmm "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op Hmm

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 28/01/2013 20:52

Honestly being a single parent would be easier than this. Because at the moment you are looking after another child.

I loved being a single parent and left my ex (dds dad) for similar behaviour. I would never ever be with someone who didn't pull their weight in a family. Wtf is the benefit to you?

Snazzynewyear · 28/01/2013 20:55

I can give you some concrete suggestions to test out on him right away:

  • He starts taking responsibility for cooking or for providing an evening meal for you and DS, every night since he has nothing else pressing to do (maybe Fridays off since he's busy that day Hmm)
  • He gets up with DS in the mornings (maybe Sunday as his lie in?)
  • He does the laundry. All of it.

What a lazy freeloader he is. And no kind of a father, whatever you say about him being 'great' (I imagine, since he's so well-rested, he can manage being great for the 30 mins or so at a time it's demanded of him)

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 28/01/2013 20:55

When I read the OP I was gobsmacked that someone would put up with such an arse of a cocklodger, and every post it just got worse - I nearly had to pick my jaw up from the floor when I read you have a cleaner as well. Stop paying for the cleaner and the nursery, you can start that up again when he finally gets a job. He seems to have a total lack of respect for you to not only allow this situation but to have the bloody cheek to moan at you about it too.

MmeLindor · 28/01/2013 20:55

Forget that this is your thread, and read your OP as if it were someone else.

What would you tell that person? Be honest.

LineRunner · 28/01/2013 20:57

Oh Catgirl.

You are a lovely poster and I have known you on here since you were pregnant.

I have read over the past year some of your other posts about your DH and let other, wiser people comment, but right now I actually want to say something to you. When you have had some decent sleep, think long and hard about where all this is heading. It sounds so draining. If ever a man sounded like he would benefit from an out of the home job, it's your DH.

I'm pretty over-qualified for a lot of the projects I do. Right now I'm doing a small job for a LA for peanuts. But it's money, it's work, it's keeping my CV and respect and NI contributions alive, and most importantly it's getting me out of the house, using my brain and keeping me away from playing on the PC.

minibmw2010 · 28/01/2013 20:58

So tell him he's being lazy, don't allow it any more !! Have you ever had ANY conversations about how little he does? If you aren't willing to have that conversation then as has been already said you're a mug, sorry. Sad

cees · 28/01/2013 20:58

He is dead weight catgirl, all fine if that's the way you want to live but really not many women or men would put up with his shit for any length of time. Have some respect for yourself and insist he pull his weight.

YANBU, fuck off would be the nicest thing I would have said to him in your shoes.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 28/01/2013 20:59

I do have a cleaner (2 people for 1 hour once a week) but there is still loads to do

And he moans about that being a PITA as he has to leave the house for a whole hour as is uncomfortable being in

I'm not flipping surprised he's uncomfortable being in! He must worry that she will see him for the lazy ass he is!

QuickLookBusy · 28/01/2013 20:59

I actually don't think the cleaner is a problem if you can afford it. Plenty off SAHMs have a cleaner.

However that still means jobs need doing everyday and your H should be doing them, not you.

He really is taking the piss and you just need to be honest, tell him you aren't happy and things need to change ASAP.

Hissy · 28/01/2013 21:00

Op, Will you marry ME?

I would kill for a gig like the one your H has got!

Give him a Viking!

MrsOakenshield · 28/01/2013 21:03

I don't agree that SAHPs should be doing all the housework if they are looking after DC all the time - that can be a full time job in itself, depending on the child. But he's not. He has a clear 4 DAYS A WEEK doing nothing. Jesus, he can easily get everything done and still have plenty of time to himself. And he should be getting her up in the mornings, you have enough to do getting ready for work.

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 28/01/2013 21:06

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AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 21:06

I thought this precise thread, from this precise poster, was on it's way... Sad

Catgirl, I remember when you first posted about your lazy, piss-taking husband when you were pregnant

You were warned then what was in your future. And here we are. Except it actually sounds worse

But I expect you'll laugh all this off, toss your lovely hair and carry on regardless. I cannot understand why such a capable, intelligent, assertive woman such as yourself is settling for so little. I see it a fair amount though, among the professional women I work with.

You are being made foolish. Does that register at all ?

spiritedaway · 28/01/2013 21:07

Tell him to fuck the fuck off ! ! Seriously OP and maybe come back when he has figured out the cause of his fucked offness

pictish · 28/01/2013 21:09

bunny - hop off will you? No need for that.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 21:10

Bunny, that was just cruel Sad

lollilou · 28/01/2013 21:12

I can only agree with most of these posts. It is pretty shocking. My only advice is do not cancel your dm or the nursery think of your ds routine and the enjoyment he probably gets from going there.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 28/01/2013 21:13

I know someone who did a spreadsheet showing all the hours in a week and what she did and what her dh did (they were both accountants!).

It was a real shock to him when he realised quite how much she was doing and how little sleep she was getting.

In that situation her dh cared though. It doesn't sound like yours does. Look after yourself.

HecateWhoopass · 28/01/2013 21:13

I think that is really uncalled for. Catgirl is in no way an unpleasant or aggressive poster. From my recalling of her posts, she seems really nice.

That, otoh, was not.

did you really need to kick her when she's down?

What on earth for?

PleasePudding · 28/01/2013 21:15

Ohh I didn't refresh, I do want to send you a Viking I do, I do! Or, failing that, a Viking smiley thing but none of then either so Wine and masses of luck on your mission to get this man to buck up his ideas.

DoALittleDance · 28/01/2013 21:16

Many posters saying you should tell him to fuck off. What do you think? How does doing everything fit your ideas about how a family should work?

Have a look at the role you play which enables his behaviour. It's hard to see when you're trying to make everything perfect/picking up someone else's slack/exhausted.

There is a condition called Martyr Syndrome - you might want to take a look:
www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Martyr-Syndrome

"Do you feel you have to "earn" joy by struggling first? Some people believe that the larger the obstacle, the sweeter the reward. It's possible to get carried away and only allow yourself to enjoy life after you've suffered or struggled to some degree."

You don't have to suffer. I learned it the hard way. It is possible to change. Good luck.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 28/01/2013 21:16

My DH has been a SAHD for 13 years. He stays at home because he is disabled and unable to hold down a job. I work full-time.

He is ill and in constant pain, but he does all of the shopping, cooking, planning, finances, household organisation, tidying, bill paying etc, etc. The only job I do in the home is the laundry and ironing. He insists on looking after me and our DSs because I am also unwell but I work outside the home.

OP, your DH should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

LessMissAbs · 28/01/2013 21:19

OMG. Why on earth do you have a husband like that? What is the point of him? How can you bear the constant insult that must be life with him?

Almost every man I know in a relationship runs about after their wives/girlfriends. They cook for them, they earn the money, they drive them about, they dote on them. I cannot fathom why any woman would possibly stay with a man who behaves like this.

Is he extremely good looking, charming and great in bed? Does he have some great talent that you admire maybe Olympic gold medallist

EnjoyResponsibly · 28/01/2013 21:20

I really like the spreadsheet idea.

Do yours. Then get him to do his. I reckon this might be on the right lines:

08.00-17.00 play on WII
17.00-19.00 watch Catgirl make dinner and sort out DS
19.00-23.00 play on WII
23.00- stare at Catgirls inert exhausted body and wonder why on earth she doesn't want to shag me

PartTimeModel · 28/01/2013 21:21

Just echoing the shock Shock of other posters here.
Why are you doing pretty much everything for your family while this man does absolutely fuck all bar suit himself??

Isn't it ironic that he is too embarrassed to be in the house while the cleaners are there?

YABNU to tell him to fuck off, but seriously I'm amazed that you don't tell him to fuck off permanently. He is a burden to you. You sound amazing and very capable but he really sounds like an albatross around your neck.