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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my DS learn to dive.

302 replies

Sandy11 · 27/01/2013 22:06

My DS is 16 and wants to lean to dive. He says he has found a club for beginners of his age and really wants to learn. He is quite shy and has not had many hobbies. The only problem is that the lessons would last from 4 - 6 pm on a Sunday. The centre is miles away in the city and I am not prepared to drive so he would have to go on the train. I am worried that something bad would happen to him he is 16 but I don't think as a parent I should let him travel far about an hours journey on the train at them times. It would not affect his school work but you don't know who lurks about today. He is really shy and feel guilty for not letting him do this and it is not expensive either. Am I being unreasonable stopping him?

OP posts:
LadyMargolotta · 28/01/2013 09:29

No wonder he is shy and doesn't have any hobbies if this has been your attitude his whole childhood.

I feel very sad for him.

Bejeena · 28/01/2013 09:32

You are being very unreasonable, he is pretty much a grown up so let him go on the bus. Honestly it is not very fair to stop him wanting to do something so constructive. I would personally be grateful that my son was into something sporty than wanting to go down the pub or out with girls.

Reaa · 28/01/2013 09:43

Let him go, he needs to have something to do, this could be the making of him, don't deny him the chance to meet new friends and take up a new hobby.

ilovepowerhoop · 28/01/2013 09:49

my 13 year old niece gets on a train to travel 30 minutes to glasgow with her friends. At 16 I started Uni (Scotland) and had to travel by bus and train to get there. Let him grow up and have a bit of independence.

Selks · 28/01/2013 09:50

OP have you ever considered that there might be a correlation between your son being 'shy' and you being massively and inappropriately over protective??
You are not doing him any favours whatsoever and you need to take a good look at your own insecurities and anxieties and stop holding your son back. YABVVU.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 28/01/2013 09:56

Selks. Well said. I was thinking the same. It can have a lifelong effects to be limited in your socialising as a child by your parents.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 28/01/2013 09:58

Agh these are the worst type of
"AIBU? Yes, yes you are"
"no I'm not fal lah lah not listening to you"
because you are restricting your poor sons life!
Seriously OP I don't think one person pn here has said your are not being unreasonable. What's that saying about the rest of the world not being wrong....
Please consider letting him go, he'll only resent you deeply if you keep smothering him like this

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 28/01/2013 10:02

I don't think she'll be back Sad

shrimponastick · 28/01/2013 10:04

He needs to do this.

By all means help him out by looking at train timetables, find out which platform etc. Maybe drive him there for the first session so he doesn't have both aspects of the day to be nervous about.

But let him go.

My DSS is 16 and hasn't yet made his own way to school. Has never caught a bus or train. He has been brought up the same as your DS .

16 is an adult.

You should be glad that he has found am interest, he will mix with a new social group. All good stuff.

curryeater · 28/01/2013 10:12

If this is remotely real, the OP needs to let her son do this.
If he is shy, he is likely to be lonely.
Loneliness is a terrible thing and for teenagers can be unbearably painful. In the end, some lonely teenagers will do anything at all to get friends. Let him go diving or it will be drink, drugs, or something worse.

MoominmammasHandbag · 28/01/2013 10:24

OP have you had some bad experience in the past that has made you feel like this? You really know that you have to let him go don't you?

Birnamwood · 28/01/2013 10:30

My sil had England trials for football. Pil decided not to take her because it was mil birthday party, not her actual birthday, just the party. She had an opportunity to trial for England athletics for javelin. They didn't want to take her as it was too far away and fil was playing golf that day. She is a very talented sportswoman but was held back so much by her parents that she has made very little of herself. These trials, btw, she was headhunted for and they wanted her to trial but her parents put so many barriers in the way it was never possible for her to go. If we had known about it we would have taken her ourselves but at that time we didn't have much contact with them toxic

Don't be this parent op. this is about your ds, not you.

nailak · 28/01/2013 11:11

i got another one:

at 14 me and my 11 year old brother flew without parents from uk to southafrica

kim147 · 28/01/2013 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shockers · 28/01/2013 11:34

Sandy, I've scanned the thread but I can't see an answer to the question, 'Why aren't you prepared to drive him?'

Could you drive him until the nights get lighter as a compromise? You might enjoy watching him learn.

I spend a lot of time next to swimming pools, watching my two train and compete (swimming, not diving), they love that I'm there. Sometimes I take a cossie and go in if training is at our local uni, because some of the pool is still open to the public. Other times I take a book, or some work to do.

It's just a couple of hours out of your week to support your shy son in something that might give him friends, confidence and fitness. I hope he does get to go before the urge wears off!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 28/01/2013 11:48

Birnhamwood. That's really sad!

JenaiMorris · 28/01/2013 11:52

yy why can't you drive him?

Assuming the area you live in doesn't resemble something out of Mad Max of course he really ought to be going alone, but as you're so anxious it would at least be a compromise.

At 16 he really ought to be meeting friends, grabbing a pizza and catching a film in the evenings, but hey ho.

JenaiMorris · 28/01/2013 11:53

Umm, I don't mean instead of diving btw - I mean in addition to.

socharlotte · 28/01/2013 11:56

Is 6 oclock on a sunday afternoon , a bad time.3am on a friday night/saturday morning you might have a point!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 28/01/2013 12:22

The ops just making excuses not to let her son spread his wings in my opinion. Its not about time of day or safety or train rides or pedophiles (Im guessing that's what she meant by her Who knows who lurks about comment), or because he's too skinny (?!) or because it will be dark, or because its longer than a 20 minute walk . . .

If it was any of these reasons she wouldn't be refusing to drive for apparently no reason. Its more likely that she wants to keep him all hers (which is rather creepy) and doesn't want him becoming independent, growing up and having a life of his own.

Poor guy!

He's not your possession op. He's becoming a man who will fly the nest at some point in the near future (hopefully, if he can prize your fingers off) and will get girlfriends/boyfriends or whatever. Its incredibly unhealthy for all concerned to stop him doing that.

He won't thank you for it.

Perhaps its time to make a life of your own?

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but you need to look honestly at your motivations.

PureQuintessence · 28/01/2013 12:28

When I was 16 my parents bought me a scooter. A proper motorized scooter. I did moped driving lessons, and I went everywhere with it.

My parents never stood in my way, and never prevent me from learning, developing, and spreading my wings.

You need to let him do this.
You need to let him develop and learn to be independent.

HazleNutt · 28/01/2013 12:33

Why should one drive a 16-year old (and sit on a bench for 2 hours waiting for him), when there are perfectly adequate public transport options available?

YABU of course, OP.

LiegeAndLief · 28/01/2013 12:42

I used to get on planes to the Far East on my own at 16. I was also very shy, but it didn't impede my ability to get on public transport. Do people seriously limit their 16 year olds in this way?

sazpops · 28/01/2013 12:54

sandy is your son worried about getting the train, or is it just you? If he hasn't used the train before and is worried about getting the right platform etc, do a 'dry run' of the journey beforehand so he knows the ropes. And if you're worried about him walking back from the station - and he agrees - meet him off the train.

If he's quite happy about doing the whole thing himself, then you really do have to keep your worries to yourself and encourage him to go and enjoy himself. Children do all mature at different rates but by 16 he should be able to go out and about on his own.

PureQuintessence · 28/01/2013 12:57

Why dont he take the train there, and you pick him up after?

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