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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my DS learn to dive.

302 replies

Sandy11 · 27/01/2013 22:06

My DS is 16 and wants to lean to dive. He says he has found a club for beginners of his age and really wants to learn. He is quite shy and has not had many hobbies. The only problem is that the lessons would last from 4 - 6 pm on a Sunday. The centre is miles away in the city and I am not prepared to drive so he would have to go on the train. I am worried that something bad would happen to him he is 16 but I don't think as a parent I should let him travel far about an hours journey on the train at them times. It would not affect his school work but you don't know who lurks about today. He is really shy and feel guilty for not letting him do this and it is not expensive either. Am I being unreasonable stopping him?

OP posts:
UnhappyDaughter · 29/01/2013 10:06

Charlotte, My problems also stem from being bullied at school, so it's not all about my mum. And I do realise that at least by my late teens I should have had agency for my own happiness and wellbeing. However, at that stage, I was in grief for losing my dad, and was in a deep downward spiral of depression, low self esteem and social phobia by then. I'm just saying that a certain level of over-protectiveness is deeply unhealthy and lead to negative outcomes in adulthood.

Maybe I was a bit flippant about my last comment for which I apologise, it's one of those eternal what if's, but I've known people who've been through those experiences and are resilient and come out the other side stronger. Sorry, I shouldn't really compare an acute trauma like that to an unhappy overprotective home life, they're not comparable? just I think a happy medium leads to the best outcome for young adults.

socharlotte · 29/01/2013 10:06

Ok -being raped on your way home fom school is no biggie than is it?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 29/01/2013 10:11

No one said that charlotte Hmm

Just that both have a huge effect on a person. For me, i was sexually abused and also grew up in a anxious household where i had very low self esteem and was isolated. Both have affected me in different ways but the anxiety i experienced everyday is the one which affects me on a daily basis because it trickled through into everything. Every decision i make, every relationship i started is different because of that. The sexual abuse only affects me in certain situations. Anyway its not a competition which you seem to think it is!

cory · 29/01/2013 10:12

socharlotte Tue 29-Jan-13 10:06:43
"Ok -being raped on your way home fom school is no biggie than is it? "

That is not what UnhappyDaughter is saying! She chose that example precisely because we all know that being raped is a horrendous thing that can leave you damaged for life. So she is using it to tell us that what happened to her has also left her damaged for life. Seems reasonable to me.

helpyourself · 29/01/2013 10:12

I don't know what you read socharlotte!

UnhappyDaughter · 29/01/2013 10:24

Sorry for opening up a sensitive subject for you Charlotte. I've said they're not the same thing, it's like comparing tables and hats or whatever. However, people suffer traumas in different ways, and one kind of trauma doesn't negate another kind of trauma. Both lead to different outcomes and life circumstances and can affect people in unpredictable ways.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 29/01/2013 10:26

What was your degree in unhappydaughter?

UnhappyDaughter · 29/01/2013 10:32

Social science with Sociology, ironically enough Grin

I wasn't interested in the subject when my mum tried to put me off it, but there were a few interesting sociology modules I wanted to take at uni & I ended up graduating with joint honours Smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 29/01/2013 10:43

Wow! Good for you Smile

UnhappyDaughter · 29/01/2013 10:46

Thanks! Smile

YellowDinosaur · 29/01/2013 10:58

Sandy11 if you read just one post please let that be unhappydaughter's who has bravely shared details of her terrible time as a result of an overprotective parent to show you that trying to protect your son basically from living may well do him more harm in the long run than what you are afraid of.

Socharlotte I presume you have personal experience of rape or assault which has led you to totally miss the point unhappydaughter is trying to make, that her traumatic childhood has had just as profound an effect on her life as violent assault may have. She is not minimising the effects such an assault can have, merely using that as an example to show just what a terrible effect over protectiveness can also have.

Please let him go. So, it's a fad. So what? He'll probably have fun. And it's not even your money or time he'll not be wasting.

bruffin · 29/01/2013 11:26

Yellowdinosaur is so right.
Ops worst fear is her son will be attacked/ mugged. But the damage in being over protective could easily be far worse. You can often get over a one off scary incident quite quickly but it much harder to get overvalued lifetime of conditioning that the world is a scary place.

bruffin · 29/01/2013 11:31

Yellowdinosaur is so right.
Ops worst fear is her son will be attacked/ mugged. But the damage in being over protective could easily be far worse. You can often get over a one off scary incident quite quickly but it much harder to get overvalued lifetime of conditioning that the world is a scary place.

Astelia · 29/01/2013 12:19

I feel sorry for your son OP. I wouldn't blame him from wanting to get away from your stifling care and lack of help as soon as he can.

Drive him to the class or let him take the train, don't be such a controlling nightmare. Poor child.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/01/2013 15:46

Also it's about risk isn't it ?

The chances are that he can go across town or whatever on a Sunday afternoon and evening and be OK, meet other people, and take part in an activity and exercise he enjoys which will add to his quality of life hugely, both now and in the future.

Sure there may be some increased risks from doing this, but as others have pointed out there are also some risks from not doing it.

He will probably be fine - life is for living OP !

Kendodd · 29/01/2013 16:50

If this is a reverse AIBU please show your mum this thread.

Genuine question if anyone knows the answer to this. If things are as the OP describes imo this is very damaging for the OP's son, is there anywhere he can get any help?

Disclaimer- my mum was like this, I suffered terrible mental health problems while living at home as a result, I ran away at 15 (best thing I have ever done) and never went back. I resent my mum to this day and have a very poor relationship with her even now, I'm 43.

Moominsarescary · 29/01/2013 17:39

So you won't drive him and don't want him catching a train, sounds to me like your real issue is you don't want him to have a life that doesn't include you.

Don't be surprised if he runs for the hills as soon as he is old enough and doesn't bother to visit more than once a year

magimedi · 29/01/2013 19:35

I read something today that resonates with this thread:

You give your children both roots & wings.

jammic · 29/01/2013 20:22

Deluded as I probably am, I've been scanning through looking for a happy ending. Go on OP, let him go.

wewereherefirst · 29/01/2013 20:50

Kenndodd I would believe social services could/may be able to help as it is a form of abuse, because she's deliberately setting herself in the way of her son having any kind of life.

deste · 29/01/2013 21:10

The legal for getting married in Scotland is 16.

wewereherefirst · 29/01/2013 22:19

You can get married in England under 17 with parental permission, so in this case in England, I believe he would still fall under the jurisdiction of the SS

exoticfruits · 30/01/2013 08:35

Many mothers are waving off their teenagers as they go to Afganistan- I bet they would swap it for the terror of 'strange people' that might be encountered at a Sunday tea time between the railway station and home!

socharlotte · 30/01/2013 09:13

You will have to go with him the first time anyway I would have thought to sign consent forms rtc.Why don't you go by train to weigh up what the risks are?

mrsjay · 30/01/2013 09:17

sorry I know the thread has probbaly moved on he is 16 and you dont want him going on the train he needs some independance when do you think it will be ok for him to be out and about on his own. let him try it out least he doesn't want to be sitting in his room playing xbox all day and night like some kids his age he wants to do something. I was working at 16 I left school

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