Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/03/2013 12:35

Their loss then. I'd imagine through history every generation sees single parents. Bringing up a child solo isn't always a chosen situation. Across social classes there are varied lifestyles. Work often necessitates moving, or one parent having to live and work away. Some mums are widows. Some cope while dps are away on active service in the Forces. Judgey looks or comments fly in however you are, wherever you live, believe me.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 03/03/2013 12:40

Make, I've lived in the same village for nearly 26 years and they still look at me like im shit, people around here are snobby dickheads, old or shitty teenagers. Fuck what they think, your not what they think, not your fault if they cant be arsed to find out.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 12:58

Yes your right.
I might try and put a picture on our profile in a moment.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 03/03/2013 13:07

I think you're amazing for taking your baby DD swimming before 11 on a Sunday morning Thanks. I've never managed to do that with my DS and he's 10 now. Even if you do nothing else today, take pride in that.

Take care. XX

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/03/2013 13:12

As for ex's family who seem so ready to find fault with you, ignoring their precious ickle boy's behaviour, I am sure they could go back in their own family history and find some female of theirs who'd met a twunt like your ex who similarly led her a not so merry dance. Only in her case she'd be seen as the unfortunate victim of some immature nasty bloke. So any time you get a whiff of condescension from that lot 2 hours away just tell yourself they're in no position to claim the higher moral ground having raised a son who treated you so appallingly. Of course if they make a habit of it then they probably don't have a very wholesome outlook anyway so who cares what they think.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 13:12

Thank you again for everyone's advice.
I tend to do more in a morning as I don't really sleep too well so the afternoons I crash.
Was thinking of something else to do but DD has crashed after her porridge, so we might take the dog for a wander to the park. It's a nice park and they both like the roundabout Grin
I did our profile finally!

OP posts:
flow4 · 03/03/2013 13:46

I'm still not dressed Shock - Sunday is my slob day too though I have to admit I am probably a bit lazy as well!

Greg is right - there are nasty judgey people everywhere. I get raised eyebrows sometimes, and I once had a neighbour scream 'slapper' at me in the street, apparently because my two kids have different dads. Hmm Shock Angry Silly sods, the lot of 'em.
And yes, I'm such a terrible slapper that I haven't had sex in more than three years!

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 03/03/2013 13:49

Flow I havent had it 4 years but apparently im a slapper, normally men who think that, like im gonna think, oh im a slapper, i should sleep with them, ugh whatever, i aint bothered.

Skyebluesapphire · 03/03/2013 14:01

glad you sound a bit brighter. As the others have said, you did amazingly well to go out swimming. I was supposed to be working at home all day today and only got out of bed at midday. That is my depression when DD is not here. no point in getting out of bed as nothing to do, although I have loads of things to do! Depression is a bitch. Make a doctors appointment well in advance when you need one. I have to make mine 3 weeks in advance as my doctor only works one day a week now. Tell her honestly how you feel, make it clear that your DD is not at risk, but you just need something more to get you through the day temporarily.

The only thing that has kept me going throughout all of this is DD. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for her. You talked before about getting your DD adopted, but the best and only place for her to be is with you. You love her and you care for her and you are doing the best that you can for her. It doesn't matter what other people thing and if you ever get talking to any of these old biddies, you may find that they are not that judgemental after all and if they are, then pull the "victim" card on them and make it quite plain that you were abandoned by your bloke in your hour of need. and you are not a benefit scrounger, you are planning to go to uni and do something with your life.

This is just a phase that you are going through, you will get through it and your DD will always love you, no matter what

flow4 · 03/03/2013 14:18

I used to swing between thinking it would be better for DS if someone came and took him away because he'd have a better life elsewhere... And being terrified that someone would come and take him away because they thought I was a rubbish mum. Confused

It is horrible the fear and distress your own head can create. :(

But it will pass. It will. So long as you keep on keeping on, one day you'll realise you don't feel bad any more... In fact, you feel pretty good! :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 15:46

What do I do as he's decided he wants to see her this week I just can't face it.
I planned to take dd to the aquarium I could let him tag along?

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 03/03/2013 16:00

If hes asked, tell him where you will be, and what time, if doesnt agree, politely suggest another time, if he says no to both, then he doesnt see her, and do not go alone!!!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 03/03/2013 16:29

I agree - offer for him to accompany you (make it clear he needs to pay for himself to get in) and take someone with you, your mum or dad. If he won't can't make it, suggest meeting at the place you met him the other week. He needs to come to you, don't drag your DD all the way to him. Always ensure someone comes with you, every time.

As for feeling down, well I'm not surprised. You've got a lot on your plate without your knob of an ex sending ranty, insulting, threatening messages to deal with on top. Give your doc a ring tomorrow, even if you're feeling better.

You're definitely not a failure. You've left your ex and you're building a life for yourself and your DD. You are amazing. You start college later this year and in a few years time will be a qualified midwife. You're moving on. It just takes time, that's all. There will always be low points like this now and again but over time they'll get fewer with longer time in between.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/03/2013 16:46

For all he knows you could have any number of things to do, arrangements made, appointments to keep, etc etc so by offering him a share in the aquarium visit that is being perfectly reasonable Make. If you need support and tbh i think someone who could be a discreet presence nearby would be a useful ally, do arrange to go with another person. It is none of his business who you take along!

Don't play games but it did cross my mind if asked, say Mum won't be coming this time then take Dad instead stay cool and calm and utterly gracious then he can't lay any blame at your door.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 17:18

I got a tirade of her being too young for the aquarium and its a waste of time and moneyAngry she should spend the time with her family Angry

OP posts:
flow4 · 03/03/2013 17:20

The aquarium plan sounds reasonable, Make.
But if you really, really can't face it, then tell him you are ill and offer a choice of a couple of other times next week.
It might be worth talking to your GP about this too... You really do sound like you might make yourself ill with worrying :(

Skyebluesapphire · 03/03/2013 17:23

He needs to understand that is what you already have planned for the day. If he expects at such short notice, to be able to see her, then he is being stupid. You offered a compromise, to go with you both. If he doesn't want to then that is his choice.

Offer him an alternative of a couple of different days and suggest a cafe or contact centre where he can see DD.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 17:27

It worries me sick, he won't say a word to me when we are there Hmm that makes its worse.
I just want to stop all contact, I think it's all in my head now I'm that messed up Confused

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/03/2013 17:28

Going by his level of stimulating input last time you got together I don't think he's really the best judge of what a 5 month old needs. Is he planning on holding her and talking to her this time? God forbid he should actually put some thought into it.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 17:34

Christ knows Confused

OP posts:
flow4 · 03/03/2013 17:41

If he doesn't want to come round the aquarium with you, fine. You'll enjoy it more without him. Offer to meet him in a cafe afterwards. You'll be ready for a cuppa and a snack then anyway.

It really depends on your mum/dad's availability too, since you still should not go alone.

It is incredibly stressful for you having to spend time with him. It is bound to make you feel vulnerable. If/when you think she is ready to have an hour or so alone with her, at least you won't have to spend that time with him.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 03/03/2013 17:45

I just can't let her go alone Hmm not yet. Maybe I could suggest a soft play area.

OP posts:
StrugglingBadly · 03/03/2013 17:46

Make, my DD loved watching fish in the aquarium. She went 1st time not that much older than your DD is and was fascinated by the bright colours and movement. Your ex knows nowt about what is good for your DD as he doesn't know her, and has no clue about babies at all. I think that it's a lovely idea, and one that will cheer you up as well. I'd just take his abuse as a refusal to come along, and leave it at that. You don't need to explain your choices or decisions on what you do or how you spend your time with your DD.

CruCru · 03/03/2013 17:49

His tirade will make you doubt yourself. However, an acquarium is a great outing for a five month old. Fish are interesting and move in a calming fashion so it will stimulate her without being over stimulating.

CruCru · 03/03/2013 17:50

Whatever you do, you cannot not go to the acquarium that day or he will think you will change your plans whenever he kicks off.