To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

I think the saddest thing is I have no problem admitting I hate myself. I hate myself so much.

You do not hate yourself! Why would you? There is no reason to. You have done nothing wrong through this other than to not obey your X and abort his baby for the second time. Which was only wrong in his eyes and nobody else's!

You have everything to love yourself for. You gave your DD life when he wouldn't have. That makes you a strong person and worth a thousand of him.

I do.
There's never been anything good about me. Now there's only DD. I've always amounted to nothing, always will.
Never had ambition, never stuck at anything, never had anything stick with me. I'm boring, I'm useless, I'm sloppy, I never do anything properly, I cut corners, I look a mess, I'm smoking again, I've put on weight due to stupid tablets, I've got no friends. I'm in bed at 7pm on a Saturday night.
No one actually gives a shit about me. I can go days without talking to people. The people I do talk to pitty me. My head is messed up. I'm self centred, self absorbed and selfish.
I've no money, my car is a wreck, I'm living in a single room at my parents.
What the hell can I offer a baby apart from a cuddle.

This isn't a sympathy post it's a need to get it out post. And face the truth post.

Hey now, never say you hate yourself, your doing bloody brilliantly, you and skye, take from a woman whose been where you are, your a lovely girl, making her life start now, your getting strong, and accepting of things you cant change, you DD loves you very much, and shes always gonna know that no matter what happens, shes always got you fighting her corner, and that will be important, because it feels so good knowing, no matter what, someone will stick by you, i know you have enough love and tenderness for her, to make up for a lack of dad, he doesnt want to know, thats not your issue, its his, so dont take the blame for it.

You have nothing to hate yourself for Make. Nothing. :(
Twunty hates you, and he's been trying to 'train' you to hate yourself too, and it's partly worked... Don't let it.
There are dozens of people here - hundreds, possibly - who think you are a sweet person. There is no way that Twunty's opinion outweighs the Mumsnet Jury so nyer nyer nyerrrrr to him!

That is how you see yourself post, what others may think is very different,

I saw myself as, fat, ugly, stupid, no friends, no life, no man wanted to love me, i wasnt good enough, i thought the worst about me constantly, now i think, yeah im overweight, but whatever, i can lose it, i have friends, i do things i want now and men can go fuck themselves, i've always worried about what others think and pleasing people, well not now, Greg does what Greg wants, and fuck the rest, if its selfish, then whatever, i think i've earned it a bit.

Your life may seem shit to you now, but trust me, in 5 years, you'll look back and think, "Fuck me Make, we've come a long way"

and you sound so like me Make its like an action replay of my life, you've withdrawn from people, thats what i did, you need to get out and put yourself out there, it took alot but i got there, because now, i dont care what others think, im a fucking nice person and i care, if people dont wanna see that side of me, then fuck em, their loss not mine.

I could write a lot of what you say. I've put on most of the weight I lost since being on AD's. I smoke when I'm drunk. XH made me feel awful by what he wrote to me, the person he said I was, but after months of counselling I know that I'm not that person and never was.

This is your life NOW, at this moment in time. It will not ALWAYS be your life. Your X has made you feel like this just because you wouldn't do what he wanted. Do not let him win!

You have plans for college, Uni, making something of your life. That is ambition and planning for the future.

A reiki healer said to me last night that you need to love yourself before anybody else can love you and she is right.

Hmmm... If you feel that badly about yourself, then that partly explains why you're so vulnerable to what Twunty says: he tells you bad things about yourself that you already partly believe. He makes your worst fears feel true. :(

Well, here's another perspective...

You are a loving and sweet person. Your love for your DD spills out all over this thread. :) Your natural instinct to be nice is so strong that you try to be nice even to people who are treating you badly.

You are kind. Even here on your own thread, when you are utterly miserable, if someone else mentions their own bad experience, you are the first to say something kind to make them feel better.

You are funny. Your sense of humour is subtle not raucous, and it's very powerful - you manage to laugh even through your tears and you'll try to make other people smile whenever you can.

You are smart, thoughtful, perceptive and articulate. All through this thread, you have been grasping new ideas and making sense of them quickly. You express yourself clearly, even when you are trying to express very difficult and unfamiliar emotions.

You are a survivor. You have escaped a horrible, emotionally damaging relationship, and just a few months later, you are getting yourself back on your feet. You make the best of what you have, and just get on with things - even when you're feeling bad. A single room, a tatty car and almost no money... Well, they're just what you've managed to sort out so far - they're enough for this moment - and you'll sort out more when you're ready...

You're a provider. Your DD has all she needs. She's little: what she needs most is her mummy's love, and she's got it :) You have your priorities absolutely right: you're dedicated to keeping her safe and happy right now, and that's exactly what she needs. When she starts needing other things, in years to come (like pocket money and toys) you will sort those things out too.

You are far stronger than you think you are. Even in the middle of your grief (and during pregnancy, when many of us just slob!) you are keeping it together for your DD. And what's more, you have got yourself a place at college - which is a real achievement, especially under the circumstances. :)

So what if your head is a mess and you're a bit chaotic and self absorbed at the moment?! All the rest of us have faults; you've got to have your share too!

Give yourself a break, Make. You don't need to be perfect... And you are perfectly good enough!

Flow has it right, we all human, we all selfish at times, otherwise we'd all be walk overs. Your DD must be one loved little lady, and thats just the love from you im talking about.

Dont beat yourself up over who you are and who people want of you, they dont matter.

Your in college now, and you could be walking towards an amazing and rewarding career, this is the start of new things, dont scared about where your going, be excited for the things that are coming, and going to college, your gonna meet so many new people, dont be afraid to make new friends, afterall your closest friend to be may be from that group.

Listen to what flow says, you know it makes sense :-)

Morning.
I always feel this way at weekends. I'm so flipping lonely.
I lie in bed at night and think of things I can do. If I hadn't been so stupid to put him on the BC then DD could go to a lovely family, less chaotic and grow up happy.
I can disappear, I'd never forget her but she can forget me and that's the best thing.
But right now i am stuck. History repeated itself. My mum was a single mum with her first, next my sister, next my niece. None of them have ambition or work, they found nice men to pick them up.
I swore that would never be me. But it is.

I have to look normal to the outside world. I can't slob anymore, twunt hated it and seems to have got to me.
He once told me 'you can't go to waitrose dressed like that'

Make You sound so like me, sweetie, i once thought about giving my DD away, i felt like i was a crap mother, and SS didnt help me, i been in this slump, it wont last forever.

And you dont have to be the same, who says you will be, you want to be a midwife, thats what you want dont let anyone say you cant do it, because you can.

Btw, sometimes i go out looking like shit, sometimes i just cant be arsed.

Look at DD now, and ask yourself, could i be without her?

Make, do you know what is the best thing about being a mum? That unconditional love that you get from your child. You are exactly what she needs, not another family. Your self loathing is all part of your depression, the abuse you've had, and the circumstances you are in. Things won't always feel so bleak. You have taken a massive step forward and you don't even realise it yet. You have taken that control back from twunt, and it's just one step towards getting yourself on track to a better life for you and your DD. The reason he's sending you emails like he has is because he's trying to get you where it hurts most, and where he knows you are most vulnerable. But you have stood firm and that will get you to a better place in time. You need to be gentle with yourself, don't beat yourself up about things that are too difficult to change just now. Concentrate on small things. Your DD loves you no matter what, and you need to accept that love and believe you deserve it because your DD needs you more than anyone else. I've often thought that my DD 'saved' me as she gave my life meaning and purpose. She's widened my horizons and made me a better person because she's shown me that innocence children have that sees the world in a completely different way and that makes me smile. Your DD will make your life better too. Just go easy on yourself as things will improve over time and you need some patience for that.

Quite alarmed to read your opinion of yourself from last night, the rubbish your ex spouts doesn't define you Make. The depression distorts your view of yourself like a trick mirror. Of course if ex is being pissy he won't shower you with compliments, he'll recall any insecurities you ever had and throw those at you.

As a stranger I have read your threads and thought Go (former nn) you sound a bright well-rounded individual who outgrew her dolt of a 'd'p and had the guts to say you wanted this pregnancy despite huge pressure from ex.

Your low spells make everything seem hard work eg day to day confidence, appearance. Sensibly we know, taking care of a little one does reduce time for 'personal grooming' -as long as you shower or bathe regularly, freshen up with dry shampoo to save time sometimes and wear clean clothes, that's enough. None of this impairs your maternal capability!

DD recognises you, wants your cuddles, loves your smell and your touch. You'll take her out to meet people and show her the world and trust dogs and ride ponies and it's all within your grasp.

I think you can be a superb mum to DD no question. Hey, you already are. Summer's coming and you have your college place: lots to look forward to.

You are all so very very kind. I feel terrible. We have just been swimming and now having some snuggles.
I doubt it's helping me reading the Lundy Bancroft book.
I know I need to see my doctor but she's part time and it's such a a wait.
It's just so sad when the highlights of your

Day is bedtime

Make, You can always look for more highlights, no matter how silly it is.

I don't have any; life is just a clock watching job

You've been out swimming I bet that was fun for DD. Highlights are not always big or cost money. Getting out of the house every day is important. Try and find one nice un-chorey thing to do before bedtime.

Fake it 'til you make it! And see your GP.

You do have a life, you have a lovely DD to create memories with.

I moved to a crappy area for DPs job, we then split up and I am still here because I have 2 jobs in the area and am plotting my next tactital move. I have no friends here as I work such long hours, last night I went to the cinema on my own but you know what? I don't think I have no life. It's just not partying all the time like some friends but that scene was never me anyway.

I'm impressed you've been swimming, despite feeling this bad!

You are setting standards for yourself that are too high, when you've taken DD swimming before 11am on a Sunday, and you still think you're not doing well... Cut yourself some slack, girl!

Do you remember my first post, all those pages ago, when I told you I'm 17/18 years down the line from where you are now? I was also depressed when my DS was little. It is a hard time - the feelings you're experiencing - loneliness and struggling with it all - these are natural feelings that lots of young mums have, they are not a sign that you are a failure. Honestly.

You need some counselling and maybe some anti-depressants. Make an appointment with your GP in the morning.

Needing a bit of help at this point is not a sign of weakness. It's actually proof that you are strong and sensible enough to recognise when you are reaching your limits.

You are giving your DD everything that she needs right now. You may not believe it, but it is literally true: there is nothing else she needs now that you are not providing.

However, you are not getting everything you need. Be kind to yourself, sweetie. :)

Also, i should point out Make, its not 12pm and im still not dressed, and wont be til atleast 2, if i dont need to then i wont, simple as. You up and out before 11am on a sunday, is something i can never do. Not lazy, sunday is my slob day.

I do need more help these tablets I'm on are rubbish.
We are on the sofa now having a cuddle, makes me feel better.
I don't think the area we live in helps, it's rather posh and full of a oldie world generation.
They don't look at young single mums and think wow.
They think benefit scrounger