To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Make Your moving onto a new phase, its scary i know, but your doing well.

And dont think about the Twunt, it just puts your feelings back to hurt and anger.

I just feel back to square one.

Mr I will take you to court now has a weekend off, have I been contacted about seeing DD. have I buggery?
TWUNT

From his track record so far, this is how it is going to continue for many years to come. At the moment, your DD has no idea he has a free weekend, she has no idea of what she is missing.
It wouldn't take her long to form a relationship with him if you continue trying to facilitate contact between your DD and him, and then you wont be the only one upset by his no shows.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make earlier in the thread.

Forget him Make. He wont change anytime soon, and his lack of interest is just creating frustration and upset, because you are still hoping he will suddenly realise what he is missing and step up. He wont.
You can spend years on this merry go round to work that out for yourself, or you can accept he is not really interested now, and mentally detach, and accept that you are going to have to travel this path with your DD alone.

Dear Make life enhancing he is not so put him to the back of your mind today. Take DD out with that wonder dog, spend time just enjoying their company and forget Mr IWant and his piece of work up-herself mother.

Seriously if as suggested upthread you could get another phone just keep him on that old number and only let trusted people have your new number then it's a safety wall against unwanted intrusions and negative messages from them.

During my counselling yesterday, she was trying to get me to accept that it will never change. That XH will ALWAYS let DD down and mess her around and put work and OW ahead of DD.

That I need to accept that there is NOTHING I can do about this other than to accept it and minimise the damage to my DD.

So all I can do is to pass the same advice on to you. DD is too young at the moment to know whether she should be seeing him or not. If you let yourself worry about it all the time, then the only person that you are damaging is yourself. That you cannot change that person, they are who they are.

None of it is easy to take, I know. We want the best for our DD's. I accept that XH has to see DD, but he could make it easier on her and me, if he would just stick to what he says.

In your case, your X is making threats, mainly because of the financial responsibility. You cannot make him be a good dad to his DD. If he wants to be then he will. You can go to mediation and let them help you to sort out reasonable access. That would be the best thing to do. You don't even have to sit in the same room as him if you dont want to.

You know that he is never going to change, so dont cause yourself grief by worrying about it all the time. Im trying to apply the same to myself!

Thanks for scraping me up. I've kept busy today.
Donkey- we only have email contact with him thankfully and he doesn't have my new number

Make i need a pick me up too, my DD has seen her dad, after he left, she said "I miss my daddy", breaks my heart, but i said "I know baby, but you've always got me", she said, "I know mummy".

GregB sorry your ex is a tosser.

Greg I'm so sorry. I feel for you I really do, be kind to yourself and sending a big unmumsnetty hug x

GregB - it breaks your heart when they say things like that doesn't it. just this week DD said to me, "I wish that Daddy would come home and live with us again, I was very upset when he left ". and "I wish that Daddy was still here to kick balls onto my trampoline for me". I told her that I can do that for her, but it still made me cry.

XH has been gone since last Easter and DD still wants him to come home. I hate the bastard for doing that to her!

It pisses me off, last time he saw her was just after xmas, now he wont see her til the second week of April, its hard for a 5 yr old to take, sometimes i just want him to piss off. But then its not my call, its my DD who needs to decide.

He just can't see it's you that has to pick up the pieces can he?!

Some men never do, my dad was exactly the same.

That must make it even harder for you Greg

I accepted that my dad didnt have much interest in me a long time ago, now its my job to make my DD feel like she has all the love she needs.

Right, have finally read through the whole thread. Some of this may not be relevant now, but just want to give my thoughts. As others have said, access and maintenance are two seperate issues. The CSA dictate what he pays, not you and it is done on a set formula. They take 15% of his salary and whats left is his own. They will not care whether or not you "owe" him any money, that is not their concern. and as others have said, you had to buy a pram, cot, etc etc, so just take that £800 as his contribution to that and tell him to stick it.

He cannot dictate to you that you have to deliver DD to him. you could be agreeable and meet him half way, but that is up to you. It is HIS access to see his daughter and it is up to him to make it happen, not you. If you want your mum there, then that is your right and bugger all to do with him. If you do not want him in your home, then you go to a contact centre. All your emails prove that you are suggesting ideas and solutions, which he always turns down. The contact makes him look bad, not you.

I would not communicate with him now over anything and leave it until you have mediation. Mediation will be able to make both of you realise what is fair and what isn't and if he starts ranting on about CSA they will put him in his place. As for him now saying he cant afford to travel to see her, that is designed to make you stop the CSA. Dont do it. He is probably still buying fancy clothes and stuff. Its a question of priorities as I remind my XH.

When XH talked about moving to Wales, I text him and said "why don't you fuck off to Wales then and never see DD". meaning, you bastard, if you move to Wales, you will never see her. He chose to take the meaning as "If you move to Wales I will make sure that you never see DD again". Which was not what I said!

Try not to fret about it and remember, that the less time they see their useless fathers, the more time they have with us

Skye you really are so kind, I've just been catching up on your thread too x

Skye, your counsellor is right and when you reach the stage where you genuinely don't give a shiny shit what your ex says or does, it really is amazing how much lighter and less stressed you feel. I'm way down the line on that, stopped thinking about how his actions affected my DD and just got on with doing the best I can. My DD is a happy, fairly content 7yr old, and knows and accepts she sees her dad only occasionally. She's happy with that, it been that way for nearly 5 yrs and all I've done is fill her life with plenty to do and surround her with people who do love her and care for her. Both you and make's guilt and hurt for your DD's and yourselves really aren't justified IMO. Easy for me to say now but when you can undo the shackles their shit had you in just now, you will start to really enjoy the special relationship you'll have with your DDs. I know my ex will one day realise what he's missed out on but I honestly couldn't care less. His loss, not ours.

struggling - thanks for that. That is what I am trying to work towards now. Not giving one "shiny shit" about what he says or does, but I'm not quite there yet. I think that you feel the frustration because there is nothing you can do about it, when in reality, if DD is unaware of it all, then you are just causing yourself grief for no reason! It's daft isn't it, how we feel.

My counsellor was saying yesterday, that I am carrying the frustration, anger, sorrow and hurt around and the only person it is hurting is me. XH is not concerned about it, nor is anybody else! So Make both you and I need to stop concerning ourselves with what we cannot change. I have been learning coping mechanisms. If you start to think about the Twunt, you need to think about something else. In my case I think about me and DD having our little holiday in May. In your case, think of something nice that you and DD have got coming up, or something that you could do together. Think of something nice and do not give Twunt headspace.

Skye that was what made me sit up and take a good long hard look at myself - just how frustrated and angry I was getting about a person I couldn't change and a situation that was never going to change from his end. I made some big changes to my working life/pattern, got help/support that I pay for that gives me the break i need at times (without having to depend on anyone) and started just looking at what I needed in my life to make me happy/give me focus. It's not been plain sailing the whole way but being able to take back the control over my life was just such a revelation for me. It was almost instant, that lighter feeling, less tension on my neck, bring able to breathe deeply. It will come, for both of you, believe that. It will happen.

I hope it does sooner rather than later. I think I may need some more proffesional help as my counselling has finished now

Make, if you need help coming to terms with your feelings and the situation you are in, please try and get it. I had counselling many years before I got into the situation I was with my ex, and when I took a step back and saw what I was doing to myself, I was able to then draw on what id learned through earlier counselling. Detaching from those feelings of guilt and anger and frustration really was a massive step forward for me. If you can't see a way forwards towards that where you are now, get the help you need. The sooner you get to that point, the easier your life becomes. It doesn't mean your ex will suddenly change but it does mean you aren't affected by him either way. And believe that YOU are enough for your DD. Giving your DD all the love and support she'll need is more than enough and will equip her with the strength to deal with the reality of having a dad who couldn't care less. She will know that one day, but how it affects her can be something that you can help with by simply being the constant in her life that she needs, with all the love and support that will help her process that safely.

After about 2 yrs of ignoring my ex, not reacting to his twattery, he has over the past year done more with and for our DD. The difference is we, DD & I, can take it or leave it without there being any high emotions or upset. And that's a really nice feeling, having that knowledge and understanding. My ex knows it too.

That's how I feel today, and I can't keep on like this

Well you know what to do. Get back to the GP and ask for a referral. CBT really helped me through tough times. That's what I fell back on when I was in danger of imploding with rage. Even just some general talking, which I had through pregnancy, can help a lot. Just ask for help if you need it. Don't worry if it takes a while to get the appointment. I needed help when I was at my absolute lowest but by the time I got my appointment I was coming back up again, and was in a better position to digest what I was being told by the counsellor. I had anti-Ds as well when I couldn't cope and once I got back on a more even keep, the counselling pushed me on to a better place.

That should be even keel.