To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

I completely understand Make.

My DD is 4 now, and my XP picks her up and drops her whenever it suits him. He has made lots of noise, but has never put DD and her needs first, it's always been about him.

I understand the concept that DC deserve to have a relationship with their father, but at what cost I find myself asking.

I have been to court twice, I have residency, he has PR, as do I, yet he has done whatever he can to avoid paying maintenance and we are now left with a court ordered contact order that he just doesn't stick to.

There is no way of making him stick to it if he doesn't feel like it.

The result....I have a 4 year old DD who adores him and has slowly and systematically had her little heart broken, over and over and over.

There is not a court in the land that will make him see DD, there is not a police officer in the land who will force him to turn up for DD.

If I had my time again, I would cut him off before DD knew him. I wouldn't have let her build a relationship with him, only to be let down so badly so many times, and the only one who bears any consequences are DD, and to a much lesser extent, myself.

Your DD is 5 months old, who she doesn't know, her heart can't grieve over.

I have bent myself into a pretzel shape over the years to facilitate contact, yet XP still only sees her when he feels like it. Months and months can go by before he even bothers texting or ringing me to arrange contact, and there are absolutely no consequences for him, none whatsoever.

Don't find yourself in my shoes in a few years time, not knowing what to say to console your DD as to why her daddy hasn't bothered again, knowing nothing you say can heal her pain.

Btw, I certainly don't tell DD when he is due to come, that would be madness, but DD is of an age where she remembers him, remembers what she did when with him, she can remember things they have done together a year ago.
She talks about him and asks me regularly to text him or phone him. She asks me to take her to his house. She tells me she will watch for him out of the window because he comes from that direction and she will see him walking down the road.

I try to tell her he is busy, he can't come today, but it is just one question after another...why not today? what day then? Tomorrow? The weekend? Why can't I see him? I love my daddy. Can he come to pick me up from school? Can he take me swimming again? Ring him mummy, text him and he will text back.' Her hope shines brightly.

And on and on it goes!!

I underestimated how badly he would let her down and how dreadfully hurt she would be, I overestimated my ability to comfort DD, I underestimated how long she would miss him for.

If I cut him off now, would it be too little, too late? I don't know, but I wouldn't want to see any other child have their heart broken like that.

Little miss- that's just made me bawl, I'm so sorry your going through that.
That is exactly what I don't want

My DD used to ask questions about her dad, in the end, i just started saying, "Baby, i cant speak for daddy, but im here, i always will be, so we can go and do something, just us girls".

Make take note of what little says. My ex left me for one of my friends. He didn't want anything to do with our DS. CSA chased him for years and managed to get the princely sum of £4.50 out of him. My one and only payment!!

I went to court to establish residency and contact. My ex agreed to see DS once a YEAR at a contact centre. He has yet to make arrangements. My DS is over 18 now. He last saw his father on his 2nd birthday.

My point is that your DD won't miss him. If he didn't have to pay money to you, I bet you would never hear from him. My DS has grown up to be a lovely man without any contact from his father. Your DD can do the same because she has you to love her. That's all she needs.

Granite Once a year!!!!!!! Thats shocking, bet he plays the perfect dad now though.

Why cant some men separate their relationship with their kids from the one with the mother.

Greg - DS hasn't seen his father since his 2nd birthday!! No loss though. We have had a lovely life without the abusive twat trying to ruin it. I'm glad ex ran off with my friend - although he didn't stay with her once she got pregnant. Poor girl.

I was thinking that hes got other kids, hes a great dad too, but ditching the pregnant girlfriend suggests he nothing but a sperm donor.

Greg - I see what you mean now. You're right, some men just don't want to be dads - just sperm donors.

These men? What is wrong with them, I can't believe there is more than one

New email-

• drop CSA it's unfair and he has to pay more as he doesn't have her overnight because I won't let him.
• we meet halfway at his parents with her (2 hours for me and 40 mins for him)
• if I don't comply he's initiating mediators and I will have to go to his local area.
• if I don't comply he's taking me to court for overnight access and CSA reduction as its his right.

Didn't ask how she was by the way, but you didn't expect that did you

ignore the overnight comment, he's said that before he's just trying to start an arguement with it.
Say you will happily meet him at "list of places near you" but that it is not for DD to travel, he is the parent and therefore shouldn't expect to put a baby through hours of travel to see him.
Send him the name of a mediators near you, and again, say you are happy to go to mediation, here is an appropiate one, as, like previously stated, it is not in DD's best interest to be travelling long distance.

Hop has it on the nail!

'Halfway' being 2 hrs for you adn 40 min for him? What branch of mathematics is that? Shitmaths? To go with shitforbrains!

It does sound as though mediation is the way forward here. If need be, I don't think you even have to be in the same room as him during this. I know someone on another thread who's currently in mediation, so can either ask them to pop over here, or to contact you if you like.

CSA is at the top of his list. Goes to show what his priority is!

I'd ignore, personally. Or remind him that dd isn't pay per view. She needs stuff no matter who's house she's at. And because he hasn't bothered himself, he's a stranger to her at the moment, so she would be distressed at overnights without you.

You aren't obliged to save on his travel. He threw you out, so tough. IF you do meet him it should be on neutral ground. With witnesses.

When is your solicitor's appointment?

Twat.

To get the CS reduction the NRP has to provide 52 nights of care per year, that spreads at atleast one night a week. Is it likely that a court would grant him that since hes only had her once in her life.

Go to mediation, as say that your atleast willing to do half the travel, and no overnights until he proves he can take care of her.

I'm ignoring at the minute.

I can't afford to use the solicitors I was, so I'm trying to find one in my area with the free consultation bit that will eventually take legal aid.

I simply cannot afford it, with trying to move out, feed and clothe us and provide a future.
That's without helping him with travel. No way am I going to be railroaded at his parents.
Ill go to mediation but that won't suit him.
He's a first class fool, money money money
Thanks again ladies

Just consulted dr google:

Mine- his parents= 2h 34

His- his parents= 1h

I'm not even going to ask if I'm UR anymore

Make and i would think that no judge is going to make you do the travelling, he wants to see her then he can travel and how much of a discount does he think hes gonna get from over nights.

Its a shame hes not reasonable, because if he was you could say that you would be willing to accept an amount of money if he came to see her once day every fortnight. But then that would mean agreeing with you, OH THE UNREASONABLENESS OF THAT!!!

Next-
And a court will say i can have her overnight, wouldnt say it otherwise. Also ive done what youve asked for all along, its just recently ive come to realise nothing is changing after 6 months. Its either that or i will arrange for an assessment from a mediator before going to court.

STAMP STAMP STAMP

WRT the overnights to lower CSA, my ex made a big fuss about that, literally the same argument of "well if I have to pay extra just because I don't have her overnight I'll go to court and have her overnight each week. I've got PR so I could have her 50% if i wanted" etc.

We ended up agreeing on him paying the 52 nights per week amount, which works out at £4 less a week, and now haven't had any more overnight threats as there is no incentive for him to have her.

I'm not sure if you're able to negotiate through CSA, but if it actually starts looking like he'll have her overnight purely to drop the money (as in if he actually applies to court) and it's not just talk (which it appears to be) then it might be worth the few quid just for your peace of mind and to get him to back off.

But then it depends if he'd then use this to assume he can bully you to drop the amount further, you'd have to go by what you know of him.

I wouldn't even reply to that last comment. It's like he's trying to get you to flip to make it look like he's being calm and you're being unreasonable as he has realised nothing else is working. Just ignore now until if he contacts you regarding seeing DD.

Any solicitor worth his salts will tell him any family court issues are done in the court nearest to where the child/children live. So he will have to travel to you.

Just ignore him, and carry on with the CSA claim.