To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Make Take this attitude, if he dont ask, he dont get, if hes not nice then he gets no answer, you do not have to do what you dont want to do.

On the PR front, he has to go to court, if he feels his rights are ignored, he dont give a rats arse about your DD, he just wants you to jump when he asks. Dont reply to him, or get your Dad to say you want speak until hes polite.

Make, your ex might well be seen legally to be an equal parent, but it's your DD that has the right to a relationship with both parents, not the other way around. You have made reasonable offers in terms of facilitating your DD's right to that relationship with her dad, and HE is refusing to accept the terms of contact offered. You have made the offers with your DD's needs AND rights uppermost in your considerations, and you have absolutely NO REASON to be terrified of any legal 'rights' he thinks he has here. Your DD is a small, vulnerable, baby who needs those with responsibility to advocate for her. Where, in all of this, has your ex done anything with your DD's needs in mind? Where has he advocated what is best for your DD? Absolutely nowhere. Remember, he didn't talk to you or your DD when you met up last time, he didn't interact with her, didn't change a nappy, refused additional time with her. He has continued to abuse you via text and email, and does not have the emotional maturity to stop and think about what is best for your DD. You have nothing to fear in terms of what any court would say about your conduct. You, on the other hand, have reems of evidence of your ex's fuckwittery. Remember that.

And so your DD who is important in this. From what you have said, he shows no willingness or ability to care for her (nappies etc). Therefore is not in DDs interests to be with him unsupervised, until he can demonstrate that he is capable of a basic level of care.

It may help you to take a wee step back, take yourself and your ex out of the equation. What is best for the physical and emotional wellbeing of your daughter?

Make I think you need to go to a solictor yourself and have the rules of contact written down, and it wouldnt be a bad thing if he did take you to court, because you would be made RP then he couldnt just take her when he felt like it. Your the mother fighting in her corner, you need to get take legal steps to safe guard her and take all these emails to prove what he is like.

He does not have a right to see DD, she has a right to see him. The rights are your DD's, not his.
Nevertheless, this is a moot point, because a court will treat the matter the same way as if your XP did have the right to see your DD imo.

You would not be breaking the law if you did not allow him to see DD, because there is no court ordered contact in place, although you may appear to a judge at a later date to be a 'hostile' mother for denying your DD the right to see her father if he has travelled for 2.5 hours to see her, you knew he was coming and was expecting him and you didn't have a reasonable excuse as to why he could not see her when he arrived.

Are you happy for him to travel to you to see DD?

All I want is for him to spend a couple of hours with me, a contact centre, my mum or dad, for a few months to build a relationship with her.
Then he can have her for days alone, I've wanted that all along! She's never been away from me ever for more than 6 hours, and then she's been with my mum whose had her since birth.

littlemiss have you read the thread?

I would also demand he takes parenting classes too, my friends DB had to take court ordered ones.

LittleMiss, she isnt denying him access, hes refusing what she offers, and as such hasnt actually asked to see DD since last time, just to abuse Make.

I know you do Make, but he doesn't want that. He wants to be back in control. You really need to get a formal contact order in place, then if he can't be bothered with dd, he has nothing to say.

Thanks guys. You've made me feel a bit better.
Little miss- I'm sure your not trying to upset me anymore than I am.

He declined a extra half hour and refused to change a nappy.

I agree, with the contact agreement in place then he cant just demand contact and expect you to agree, and you wont look like the staller, like he thinks you are, if he doesnt show up then, he wont get more chances.

That means £££

Can you get legal aid?

Maybe I should just say- look I've got nothing to hide, see you in court. I've nothing to hide.

I might qualify in 10 weeks when my maternity leave ends

I have followed the thread, yes.

OP wants to facilitate contact on her terms, XP wants to facilitate contact on his terms. Stalemate.

Before you do it might be an idea to explore legal help, even if you just get a free half hour then represent yourself in court, its just best to get clued up by a lawyer first.

Make Wants contact that means her daughter is looked after, XP just wants contact thats gonna upset and belittle Make

Yes Greg- that is all I want.
Exp wants to come and take dd for weekends despite seeing her once in 7 weeks and never changing a nappy.. BUT if you'd allow that miss sarcastic that's cool. It works for you but I'm not allowing my baby to be distressed!!!!

I am not trying to upset you OP. I am just trying to help you to see what rights your DD has and how a court is likely to view your situation.

I hear you greg, I am sure OP has evidence to support her concerns wrt XP and his neglect of DD, so all will be well in court.

I would hope so

Make Has stated that she is willing to other contact to him and his family as long as she can be assured hes going to take care of her properly. No mother in their right mind would leave a child with a man who cant even change a nappy, because if she did, SS would be looking at her with eagle eyes, as well as him, shes trying, all hes doing is trying to get DD and put her on edge.

Make My friends DB has been in court, and man they gave him a hard time, and she was a bitch, and had no proof of her claims, and wouldnt allow contact. you have proof and are willing to allow a safe means of contact, you are in a better position.

Oh also, if he went to court, he would expected to pay maintenance.