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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
PermanentlyOnEdge · 18/02/2013 19:43

Well he is fresh out of luck then. Because you are going to dictate to him, you have the right to dictate to him, and he'd better get used to it. His DD is not a toy, and he must treat you and her with respect, or he won't see you at all.

Stay strong!

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 19:43

Now I just got a email saying he will get a solicitor to explain it all to me Hmm

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 19:45

Goodness, he's not used to you asserting yourself at ALL, is he?! And it has obviously got right under his skin, silly man!

The very best thing to do - if you can control yourself! Grin - is to totally ignore that email. (Just like you would ignore bad, attention-seeking behaviour from a toddler!)

I bet you a million pounds (or would do if I had it!) that he won't be able to stop himself sending you another one, perhaps tonight, but definitely tomorrow, saying "Well?!" At which point you can respond saying something like "I guess not this week then. Let me know when you do want to arrange to come and see her".

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 18/02/2013 19:46

Well you have that in writing make, he'd rather be abusive and not see your DD on the (very reasonable terms) offered. If he decides to take you to court, you have his twattish behaviour documented. If I were you I'd write down a detailed account of the visit that's just taken place, highlighting why you offered the terms you have. Means you don't have to recall details at a later date.

And just ignore him until he starts acting like a grown up. Maybe send something that keeps the door open but strictly on your terms. His continued refusal to that only serves to weaken any arguments he makes about you blocking access.

flow4 · 18/02/2013 19:49

Oops, posted before that second 'solicitor' email. See, I was right, he couldn't stop himself sending another email, could he?!

Ignore that one too... If you are going to hear from a solicitor, you don't need to have the arguments with him. :) It's absolutely fine and nothing to worry about. In fact, if he involves a solicitor that's good, because (a) it will reduce the amount of bullying he can do, quite dramatically, and (b) the solicitor will explain it all to him! :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 19:50

But they have the money to afford the best. I scraped together what I had for one visit. I can't get legal aid until my maternity ends.
I do not know how much more I can take Confused

OP posts:
PermanentlyOnEdge · 18/02/2013 19:52

Ah yes, because you couldn't possibly be able to make your own decisions, you need it all explained to you about why he feels he can treat you with contempt. Don't worry about this. You are operating within your rights in the best interests of your DD. He is operating in the best interests of himself. Stick to your guns.

flow4 · 18/02/2013 19:56

I know. It's very, very stressful. And it's not fair. :(

But you can take it. And I promise you, this is exactly like dealing with toddler tantrums: if you 'give in' for a 'easy life' now, he will go on and on and on bullying you. If you can hold firm, then - just like a tantrumming toddler - he will get worse and try everything he can think of for a short while, but when he realises you mean what you say and aren't a push-over, he'll stop.

Why can't you get legal aid until your maternity ends? I'm not sure about Legal Aid rules, but I would have thought you'd qualify, since you're not working...

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 19:58

CAB say I defo don't.
I wonder if he's just threatening me. I just don't know what happens now x

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 18/02/2013 19:59

Make, no amount of money they have can disguise the abusive twat your ex is. He's thick enough to put it in an email so throwing thousands at this won't erase that. You've been reasonable, measured and restrained despite his twattish behaviour. Don't be afraid because they have money. You can show a court through everything you have kept records of that you have tried to promote your DD's relationship with her dad, while considering her needs, and despite your best efforts he chooses to abuse you and not take up the terms of contact offered.

flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:00

Have you got a women's centre in your area? They sometimes have women lawyers doing pro bono work (i.e. giving free legal advice)...

flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:01

And yes, exactly what bunch says here ^ :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 20:02

Flow- is that something women's aid would offer.
Maybe I need to calm down as the letter hasn't dropped on the mat yet Blush

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:10

Yes, though it's totally understandable that you are upset and flustered, because he is bullying you now, and anyone who is standing up to a bully feels stressed out by it.

But remember he is actually much less powerful than you feel he is - he is swearing and raging at you specifically because he doesn't feel like he is in control. Strange though it may sound, his raging is a good sign that you are more powerful than you were - and he feels it - which is why he is going on the attack.

Take a deep breath and make a cup of tea or pour yourself a drink or something :)

I will post more info in a minute.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 20:14

Thank you ladies. Am feeling maringaly better now. Just going to breathe and wait for the letter I think he's calling my bluff, and so does mum. So I go running up there.
If I emailed saying I'd go up there I bet it was never mentioned again.
I'm really wishing I'd had it out with them all last week with mum in a way

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:36

OK... The first thing to say is that you don't actually need a solicitor yet. So far, all you have from him is a lot of noise and some threats that will probably turn out to be empty ones.

If and when you get a letter from his solicitor, then you can get yourself some legal advice. The info below might then be useful...

But even then, don't worry about it. You have done nothing wrong and are behaving reasonably. You have more to gain than he does, if solicitors get involved. :) A solicitor will act as a 'buffer' so that you don't have to deal directly with him again.

I don't know if Women's Aid have lawyers - give 'em a ring and ask :) Their general enquiries number is 0117 944 44 11.

I do know that if you need to get an injunction against him to stop him harassing you, there are special rules that mean that you will get legal aid. You are probably not at this point yet, but remember it, in case he cranks up the abuse. :(

You can check whether you are eligible for legal aid on this legal aid calculator. You have to enter your income and expenditure.

If you're on one of the following benefits, you will automatically qualify:
Income Support
Income-based Jobseeker?s Allowance
Income-based Employment and Support Allowance
Guarantee Credit.

Remember you should be able to get a short (10-30 min) free legal consultation from many solicitors, whether or not you qualify for legal aid. Solicitors offer this as a way of drawing in business. Google 'free legal consultation' and your town, and you should get a few results.

You can also get some free legal advice over the 'phone from the Community Legal service . Their website says:
Get free confidential legal advice now
Call 0845 345 4 345
Mon - Fri 9am - 8:00pm
Sat 9am - 12:30pm
Calls from 4p/min - or get us to call you back
There is also a web-based service - link here

flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:40

Cross-posted. Glad you're feeling a bit better :) I think you are right and he is bluffing as well as blustering!

I don't know about having it out with them face-to-face. It depends how strong and confident you are in an argument. I'm inclined to think that doing everything in writing keeps it a bit calmer and less frightening; and of course if he threatens or abuse you, you have instant proof.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 20:43

Oh flow thank you so much!
I am rubbish but maybe I wish I had said something last week. Never mind, there's alot of things I wish I'd done different but that's too late now. All that matters is DD

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 18/02/2013 20:48

Make Ignore him sweetie, all stupid men try the "see you in court" line to get you to back down to his demands, ignore and detach, unless you were a truly horrid mother, of which i know you certainly are not, no court, is gonna take the side of someone who has very sporadic contact with his child, dont raise to the twat, stick to your rules, he'll get bored, coz he'll know, his bullshit aint working now.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 18/02/2013 20:51

I also add, he probably wont try the court process, because hes pissed off at CSA getting involved, now court will mean alot more money hes gotta spend, and if he went to court, and said he pays nothing, then hes gonna look like a world class wanker.

flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:56

No problem. :)

I'm going away for a few days and don't know whether I'll have an internet connection, so just remember:

  • Stay calm
  • Detach - ignore his emotional outbursts completely if you can
  • Ignore him totally if he's rude and horrible - don't even respond
  • If you communicate with him, stick to cool, calm facts - keep your emotions to yourself
  • You have offered him contact. Ignore anything/everything he says back that isn't about this contact. If he responds with rants, just ignore his email. If he responds accepting your offer and ranting, just respond to the practical stuff, not the emotional stuff.
  • Don't pay too much attention to your guilty feelings - they are just left over from him trying to manipulate him - you are doing nothing wrong! :D
  • The crosser he gets, the stronger that means he thinks you are being. He is trying to make you feel weak again. Don't let him :)
  • Avoid getting drawn into playing any games - just do what is best for your DD and you :)

Good luck!

flow4 · 18/02/2013 20:58

Of course I should have said "keep your emotions to yourself and Mumsnet "!! Grin

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 20:58

Have a nice time, and thank you

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 21:49

Thanks :)
Just finishing the packing now... See you at the end of the week :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 19/02/2013 07:55

That was just such a message loaded with aggression.
Ill get my solicitor to explain it to you

OP posts:
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